The Spotlight Effect

[Misty Avich]

I thought I'd start a new thread on this, rather than derailing someone else's thread.

Like I said, I don't like the way this article was like "guess what? You are egocentric!" as I feel that's quite insensitive to say to a person who hates themselves.

You’re Overthinking: The Spotlight Effect – Berkeley Scientific Journal

bsj.berkeley.edu

Definition of egocentric: thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centred.
"egocentric loners with an overinflated sense of self-worth"

I also thought it meant people who want to be noticed, not people who don't want to be, like me.

Doesn't really sound very flattering to be called this when you don't fit the definition. My "spotlight effect" comes more from bad experiences I've had with strangers in the past, and also from autism sites where I've repeatedly been told that having ASD means people are staring and laughing at you in public due to maybe a microscopic difference in your body language no matter what you do.

 

[Rodafina]

One informal way to think about egocentricity is the idea that one is the center of the universe. Being focused on your own self and your needs can be a very healthy thing, and in this way, most healthy adults have some level of egocentricity. But the spotlight effect is highlighting ways in which we give ourselves too much importance in the world. This does not mean one thinks highly of themselves. This can also mean thinking that any flaws or feelings of being weird are much more noticeable to others than they really are. It can manifest as thinking that everyone notices what you do wrong and the way in which you are inadequate.

Understanding the spotlight effect, however, can be quite freeing. Once we understand that we are not in fact the center of the universe, we can adopt a feeling of anonymity in the world. In this way, we can be the center of our own world. To me, it makes sense to feel like the center of one’s own world. It just doesn’t make sense (nor does it seem helpful) to think that one is the center of everybody else’s world, too.

 

[Misty Avich]

One informal way to think about egocentricity is the idea that one is the center of the universe. Being focused on your own self and your needs can be a very healthy thing, and in this way, most healthy adults have some level of egocentricity. But the spotlight effect is highlighting ways in which we give ourselves too much importance in the world. This does not mean one thinks highly of themselves. This can also mean thinking that any flaws or feelings of being weird are much more noticeable to others than they really are. It can manifest as thinking that everyone notices what you do wrong and the way in which you are inadequate.

Yes, that is exactly my problem. I imagine myself wearing a big neon sign telling everyone to stare at me. I worry that my body language is extremely different. I think it's because many Aspies say that all Aspies (even non-obvious Aspies who appear "normal" on the outside) are noticeable and weird (which is another insult really). They say that NTs are drawn to body language and can basically work out your name just by looking at your body language, like they're these superhumans with these excellent psychic powers. But they're not really.

Understanding the spotlight effect, however, can be quite freeing. Once we understand that we are not in fact the center of the universe, we can adopt a feeling of anonymity in the world. In this way, we can be the center of our own world. To me, it makes sense to feel like the center of one’s own world. It just doesn’t make sense (nor does it seem helpful) to think that one is the center of everybody else’s world, too.

I am trying to tell myself about the spotlight effect but the way I feel stared at feels so real. I avoid eye contact with strangers if I'm just walking by them in the street, but sometimes I can feel them staring as they pass, especially if it's a female. And sometimes when I have made myself look at them I saw that they are staring at me, with an odd expression on their face like they hate me. And no, it's not because they're jealous of how attractive I am, because, let's face it, I'm not attractive. Even though I have a husband, I'm attractive to him but to an outsider I'm not very pretty. I'm not Miss World. There's nothing about me to be jealous of.

I've had various other experiences where whatever I did in public got noticed. I'll post some when I get time.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I thought I'd start a new thread on this, rather than derailing someone else's thread.

Like I said, I don't like the way this article was like "guess what? You are egocentric!" as I feel that's quite insensitive to say to a person who hates themselves.

You’re Overthinking: The Spotlight Effect – Berkeley Scientific Journal

bsj.berkeley.edu

Definition of egocentric: thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centred.
"egocentric loners with an overinflated sense of self-worth"

I also thought it meant people who want to be noticed, not people who don't want to be, like me.

Doesn't really sound very flattering to be called this when you don't fit the definition. My "spotlight effect" comes more from bad experiences I've had with strangers in the past, and also from autism sites where I've repeatedly been told that having ASD means people are staring and laughing at you in public due to maybe a microscopic difference in your body language no matter what you do.

Context is important here. Autistics are often falsely accused of all sorts of personality disorders, like selfishness, being aloof, narcissism, as examples. What most people (armchair psychologists) miss are the motivational factors which identify someone with these personality traits. Autism may result in self-centered, selfish, or even some narcissistic-like traits, but the motivational factors are completely different, as you pointed out. So, in this case, someone who has an underlying depressive condition, anxiety, low sense of self-worth, who ruminates over the past, who often withdraws from social interactions, and who can over think things to the point of paralysis, can also present with a form of selfishness or self-centeredness because they are anxious and concerned about their own well-being, NOT because they are being inconsiderate of others, or aloof, and they certainly don't have an overinflated sense of self-worth.

 

[Misty Avich]

Great answers. Yes, Neonatal RRT has some good points. I do have an anxiety disorder and sometimes paranoia, not the schizophrenia sort but I mean if I have been bullied by people then I'll lack trust in them and think that they're out to get me even at the times they aren't bullying (more so if it's with strangers, especially online). That's when they call me a "self-obsessed narcissist making everything about me", because when they're actually not plotting against me at that particular moment and I think they are, they see that as a chance to chew me out and call me names. But what I really want is for them to either get along with me or leave me alone.

 

[Fino]

Egocentric has negative implications but may be somewhat accurate. But when you've had people all your life taking the time to treat you negatively, it can be difficult not to develop this problem.

 

[Levitator]

I thought I'd start a new thread on this, rather than derailing someone else's thread.

Like I said, I don't like the way this article was like "guess what? You are egocentric!" as I feel that's quite insensitive to say to a person who hates themselves.

You’re Overthinking: The Spotlight Effect – Berkeley Scientific Journal

bsj.berkeley.edu

Definition of egocentric: thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centred.
"egocentric loners with an overinflated sense of self-worth"

I also thought it meant people who want to be noticed, not people who don't want to be, like me.

Doesn't really sound very flattering to be called this when you don't fit the definition. My "spotlight effect" comes more from bad experiences I've had with strangers in the past, and also from autism sites where I've repeatedly been told that having ASD means people are staring and laughing at you in public due to maybe a microscopic difference in your body language no matter what you do.

It's important to remember that a lot of junk is written for a different audience, and then so are the platitudes and panaceas that people throw around under the assumption that you're weak and dumb when the reality is that you lack things everyone else takes for granted and that's why they can't even conceive of what you're complaining about. The same person who leaves you with nobody else to think about but yourself is the one who is going to tell you you're self-focused, and that's the same person who is going to ask the bum why he's so obsessed with money that he's always jingling coins in a tin cup. They're insane. Don't worry about it.

When the world has put you in solitary confinement, you can be sure that when they finally drop in, all they're going to do is ask you why you don't spend any time talking to anyone else. Jesus, what a narcissist. The critic, not you. We had to disambiguate, though, didn't we?

 

[thejuice]

I was told that depression makes me selfish which is probably true but not that helpful to hear when you already feel bad

 

[thejuice]

Anxiety, fibromyalgia and sensory issues definitely make me self absorbed, as a side effect that comes with involuntary isolation. I really need something other than my pet anxieties to think about.

Even on forums I'm more interested in thinking about my favourite topics than connection.

Maybe I've given up on making friendships I don't know. I worry about hurting people's feelings when I inevitably want to pull away.

 

[Aspychata]

Definitely, suffering from anxiety can make you feel a tab unsure. But l power thru because l have to. Are people going to notice us, sometimes you can be a'object de interest thru no fault of your own flavor of quirkness.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was told that depression makes me selfish which is probably true but not that helpful to hear when you already feel bad

Exactly. I think any mental health issue can make people seem selfish even though we're not. It's just that we have to survive day by day and it can get exhausting thinking about other people all the time when we can't always even cope with ourselves (this applies to NTs with mental health issues too).
Also most people with anxiety, depression and other mental health issues can have low self-esteem and feel bad all the time, so being told we're selfish or egocentric isn't exactly a compliment and could make us feel worse.

 

[thejuice]

I was told on a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course that depression is like looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I've had a lot of incidents in the past that involved strangers picking on me or singling me out, that has made me believe that everyone is noticing my every move.

A few examples:-

- I've often been told to "cheer up" by random strangers, so they must have noticed my face

- I've caught people staring at me even though I wasn't staring at them, I just happened to look up and meet their eye and they were staring, and I could also feel it too, which was very uncomfortable

- Multiple people kept turning their heads towards me one time because I went into the town during my lunch break to get a snack on a not too cold day and I had a t-shirt on because I worked in a hot environment. I'd understand it if it was like freezing temperatures but it was like 10 Celsius

- Often I'm told to ssshh in public for discussing private things, like there's always a chance someone is listening or judging (and I'm not talking about sensitive information like pin numbers but just things that are more general but personal). One time I was asking my husband if he was going to be watching the football match, and he non-verbally signaled me not to say it out loud in public, like he was shameful of something that is not even a taboo among NTs (as a lot of NT guys like football), but he seemed afraid everyone around us were listening and might judge him. Spotlight effect, no?

- One time when I was about 20 I walked past two older men and I heard one of them say "look at her stupid hat!" My hat might have not been popular among people their age but it was definitely the latest fashion among young women so I can't have been the first person they saw wearing the same style of hat (also it was on a cold winter's day so I was wearing it to keep warm). Even if they didn't like my hat they surely were old enough to know that it is inappropriate to shout out your opinions in earshot. Even I know not to do that, as it could hurt people's feelings

- I've often seen people (mostly women) start giggling or snickering as soon as I walked past them, and it felt like they were giggling at me. And this isn't just silly kids, it's often been grown people working in a small store

And there literally LOADS of other examples that I've forgotten about or just can't think of right now, that has lead to me thinking that everyone is noticing every detail about me and are scrutinizing me and finding me hilariously entertaining. And then whenever I posted about it on an autism site 99% of the responses were "you're autistic so even if you think you're acting normal you probably aren't, there's probably a tiny microscopic difference in your body language that people will notice because they're NTs and they'll notice anything that is different about someone, because NTs are afraid of anyone different and they straight away think that anyone who is different is a murderer or some other dangerous threat", then I go, "even a young female dressed presentably?" and they reply, "yes, there are as many female murderers and rapists in the world as there are male but you just don't hear of it in the media because women are brilliant at getting away with it or the media is misandrist that like to portray murder or rape as a result of male testosterone when it isn't, blah blah blah".

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I was told that depression makes me selfish which is probably true but not that helpful to hear when you already feel bad

That's a horrible thing to tell someone who is depressed. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

 

[thejuice]

It's family so they tend to tell you the unvarnished version lol

Most of it is my sensory issues keeping me away and I hate phones unfortunately

 

[jsilver256]

The sign language for "autism" can also be seen as the same sign for "self-absorbed." Sign language is harsh.

I have experienced what @Misty Avich has while much younger, and I think this trained me to try and be as nondescript as possible, speak as little as possible, and adopt a script of questions in hopes that one of the questions will trigger the other person to go on a long rambling rant.

I don't think NTs are consciously monitoring. Rather, it's like we are incapable of modeling what sticks out in us and suppressing ourselves to fit in. The easiest solution to get along in NT society is to simply suppress everything.

 

[Misty Avich]

The sign language for "autism" can also be seen as the same sign for "self-absorbed." Sign language is harsh.

I have experienced what @Misty Avich has while much younger, and I think this trained me to try and be as nondescript as possible, speak as little as possible, and adopt a script of questions in hopes that one of the questions will trigger the other person to go on a long rambling rant.

I don't think NTs are consciously monitoring. Rather, it's like we are incapable of modeling what sticks out in us and suppressing ourselves to fit in. The easiest solution to get along in NT society is to simply suppress everything.

Strange though, because it's always mentioned on autism sites that autistics need to be MORE expressive otherwise an emotionless look can make us look like we're hiding something or are a bit off.
But, as an expressive Aspie, I find it's the opposite to what people on autism sites say. I find that if you do go out looking blank and emotionless then people just leave you alone. If you're showing signs of anxiety or distress, people will stare at you. I feel like yelling, "what? I'm a human, I feel things!"

 

[jsilver256]

These sites sound like they're not giving great advice for you, and I'd stay away from them.

 

[thejuice]

The sign language for "autism" can also be seen as the same sign for "self-absorbed." Sign language is harsh.

I have experienced what @Misty Avich has while much younger, and I think this trained me to try and be as nondescript as possible, speak as little as possible, and adopt a script of questions in hopes that one of the questions will trigger the other person to go on a long rambling rant.

I don't think NTs are consciously monitoring. Rather, it's like we are incapable of modeling what sticks out in us and suppressing ourselves to fit in. The easiest solution to get along in NT society is to simply suppress everything.

I feel personally called out by that deaf woman

 

[Misty Avich]

I think the Spotlight Effect can also stem from trust issues that were brought on by how one was treated in the past (see my post here a few posts up).
It's like when I was on another internet forum and people kept bullying me because of my views. They done it by making veiled posts or threads about me instead of just moving on, so after that happened enough times by the same few posters, I felt like everything they posted was about me. That just led to more bullying by them accusing me of being a narcissist lacking empathy because I "made everything about me". But I wasn't like that before they started bullying me, at all. I never thought anything of it when people ranted about stuff, but after the bullying started, I began to get paranoid and suspicious that things that a certain few posters wrote were to do with me.

So that's just an example of how people's behaviour towards you can really make you believe that they're out to get you, simply because they have made you lose trust in them. So I feel the same when in public places. Due to embarrassing or unfair things happening to me in the past from strangers in public, it has made me become paranoid that people are judging, staring, and laughing at me.