The reluctance to socialize

[Annanda]

Do you also get very tired after socializing?

Me too, I'm reluctant to go out and socialize. Sometimes I get a severe migraine after meeting a person for diner.
I struggle with the background noise problems, which many of you mentioned above. I struggle with not getting, what's expected in any given moment. I'm always on the watch and therefore loose my energy.
Most of the times I end up as the gifted listener and a totally unknown person will convey her very secrets to me, he/she will transfer her unwanted emotions to me and I will give undesirable advices and end up totally drained.
For many, many years I thought I have to do all this and more to maintain a friendship. Recently I discovered, that I may listen for hours and hours to the various problems of my few so called friends, but the other way round does not work out just as well. What my friends feel to be relaxing, going to a crowded Spa e.g. is for me pure torture. If I refuse to come with them, I will be left out next time.
So often times I go out alone, to the cinema, having breakfast, taking a coffee and so on.
For my social needs I take courses of my favorite activities. Here the time is limited, the topics of conversation are given and there is a schedule to follow.
Then my social needs are fulfilled and I can stay alone for a while.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

your comfort zone or your goals. we all must choose.

I've gotten to the point of "I can take it or leave it" as far as social interaction.

 

[invisibility003]

Hi Moomin,

Yes, I can totally relate to you. I haven't got any real life friends at the moment (only people on these forums who I speak to) and haven't had any for two years. I used to though, but they left the school. I get very nervous talking to people, especially people at school my age, and I get scared I will say the wrong thing or they will think I'm weird and judge me and tell all their friends about how rude and weird I am. I tend to avoid people and reaching out to make friends because of that and prefer to spend time by myself, although I get very lonely and want to be connected with people and make friends, the other side of me. I do get very tired if I spend too much time socialising (well I used to) or even for an hour or too especially if they are very talkative people. Speaking of getting tired, I am also very tired after a day at school even though I don't socialise then, because of sensory processing and noise and stuff like that, I'm guessing. Do you find it difficult being around places that are too noisy and crowded as well? I sure do. So, you're not alone in feeling like that!

Jessie

 

[guitarandtattoos]

So my mom wants me to make friends.

It’s not like I haven’t made friends before. I made a few at university, some I even still talk to on occasion. Unfortunately, I’m in a different country from them so I’m not able to see them socially. In some ways I feel like I’ve reverted and been out of practice for a while that when I do have to go out and socialize I’m relieved when it’s over because I seem to get tired after a certain point of socializing that in the end I find myself to be very drained afterwards which then leads me to feeling emotionally drained. And yet, I do want friends. I do want to cultivate friendships and have healthy and happy ones were I have friends that actually want to be around me, and not have me on the outer layer of their friendship circle. And yet I’m also reluctant to put myself out there because I’ve been out of active practice and I’m worried that nobody would want to “hang out” with me.

Does anyone else feel like this? Do you also get very tired after socializing?

@Moomin I think that just goes with being an introvert. NT Introverts are likewise in the draining feeling you're describing so there's nothing wrong with you so don't conjure up anything either.

I mean after going in a Walmart or a big store I'm done for like a couple months. Also put into consideration of any sense sensitivities you may have that may exacerbate your feelings or the experience.

On top of being an Introvert when I go in a store the lights may be too bright and bother me or too many people and a lot of talking going on or a random loud noise like someone dropping something and I jump in the air with cat like reflexes.

Things like this will contribute to your tiredness as well so acknowledged them and accept them if you haven't already and just do the best you can to make things slightly better even though it might seem impossible.

Just a small step, something comfortable you can fit in your routine even if it's just thinking about something in a different way.

 

[Moomin]

Hi Moomin,

Yes, I can totally relate to you. I haven't got any real life friends at the moment (only people on these forums who I speak to) and haven't had any for two years. I used to though, but they left the school. I get very nervous talking to people, especially people at school my age, and I get scared I will say the wrong thing or they will think I'm weird and judge me and tell all their friends about how rude and weird I am. I tend to avoid people and reaching out to make friends because of that and prefer to spend time by myself, although I get very lonely and want to be connected with people and make friends, the other side of me. I do get very tired if I spend too much time socialising (well I used to) or even for an hour or too especially if they are very talkative people. Speaking of getting tired, I am also very tired after a day at school even though I don't socialise then, because of sensory processing and noise and stuff like that, I'm guessing. Do you find it difficult being around places that are too noisy and crowded as well? I sure do. So, you're not alone in feeling like that!

Jessie

Yes, I pretty much can relate to all that you’ve said. School was hell for me in many ways but the desire to socialize, to make a friends, and the perception that I was weird *and also I went to an all girl school* so of course I was heavily bullied. Two instances stand out. 1. Classmate had a birthday party, invited almost all the class. One couldn’t go. Another was like me not invited at all. She was not upset about it, but I was devastated because I was left out. Purposefully. 2. I struggled a lot in that school. Had zero friends, and after that party and other events were I was not invited but others went to, I thought I had made a friend eventually. But she was only pretending to be my friend because she felt sorry for me — gah sour taste even thinking about it, I can’t believe she actually said this to my mother’s friend.

I guess those experiences and additional ones, definitely have had an impact on me. I want to socialize. But I’m afraid of rejection. I get nervous talking to people. I worry that I bore them, that they’re talking to me out of necessity or to be polite. Any friend I make I over analyze it, and if I’m being honest to myself I don’t put effort into it. What’s the point in being hurt again? But then despite that, I do want friends. I’m insanely jealous that my sibling has and can make friendships, keep them on going, for long term...and it seems so easy for them but not for me.

As for being in overcrowded places..., unless I prepare myself if I know that it’s going to be crowded, I am not really able to handle it. I have to leave as my way of coping with it.

 

[patrick183]

So my mom wants me to make friends.

It’s not like I haven’t made friends before. I made a few at university, some I even still talk to on occasion. Unfortunately, I’m in a different country from them so I’m not able to see them socially. In some ways I feel like I’ve reverted and been out of practice for a while that when I do have to go out and socialize I’m relieved when it’s over because I seem to get tired after a certain point of socializing that in the end I find myself to be very drained afterwards which then leads me to feeling emotionally drained. And yet, I do want friends. I do want to cultivate friendships and have healthy and happy ones were I have friends that actually want to be around me, and not have me on the outer layer of their friendship circle. And yet I’m also reluctant to put myself out there because I’ve been out of active practice and I’m worried that nobody would want to “hang out” with me.

Does anyone else feel like this? Do you also get very tired after socializing?

I feel absolutely like this. I'm 36. Your characterization of "outer layer of the friendship circle" is perfect -- that's how I feel about the few "friends" I've ever had. I also relate to the drained feeling after attempts. I hope I can make progress in this direction. It's a lot harder now that I'm an adult and quickly becoming not so much a young adult, as everyone tends to be more reclusive.

I always feel like I'm faking something when I try to socialize, or trying to hide my social deficits. Which always become apparent eventually, and things are awkward and then I give up.