The past seven days have been nightmarish

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It all started with an abuser that we are hiding from finding out where a household member works.

Then a couple days later I had a biopsy to see if my cancer came back. It was quite traumatic. I bled quite a bit, and the doctor had to attempt to cauterize the wound, repeatedly. It was to the point that smoke was coming out of my face. I laid still while the doctor and her assitant repeatedly cauterized the wound. I smelled it burning, then I opened my eyes and saw the lightning coming out of the cautery pen, and saw smoke. And then quickly closed my eyes again!

Then a few days later I got beat up by a loved one who was going through ptsd that was brought back because our abuser found them at their place of work and he brought back memories of another abuser.

After that, I realized quite quickly that most of the bad things that had happened in the past few months were due to being abused by a drug addict. It was even the catalyst for the illness that caused my father's stroke. It's awful.

But once I realized it was due to being abused by a drug addict, I started to feel like I could change things. Like I could seek happiness.

I went to church today, and I felt so happy. I spent time on the phone with someone I care a great deal for, and I wish it would have lasted much longer. It was so nice.

Then, this evening I felt the inspiration to try to doordash again in my wheelchair, for the first time in a year. The restaurant I was picking up from was in a bad neighborhood, and at a bus stop I was exposed to second hand fentanyl and xylazine smoke, and had to be transported to the e.r.

I am laying here actually, feeling like trash. That was around 7 in the evening, and it's now 3 am.

All through this, I've had so few kind words. And one trauma compounds on top of another.

I need to know that I can do this. I need to hear that even though I'm bleeding out a hole in my face and smoke is pouring out, that I am pretty. I need to hear reasons I'm loved. Not just the usual. Like real reasons. Reasons to stay.

There is goodness in the world.

I feel so alone. I am tired. It's been a long season. I just want to take care of the home and love my family and friends.

I don't think I can do this much longer.

 

[Rodafina]

So much. So much heavy, horrible stuff upon you right now. May you find the strength to get through this and get yourself to days that are not so cruel and difficult. I will be wishing on stars for you.

 

[Wolfnox]

You’re not alone. God was with you every step of the way.
He still is.

You’re very tough ya know. You went threw a lot and still pushed forward in spite of the challenges.

Need a reason to stick around? There’s a beautiful day to come with a warm sun and gentle winds. Cloud’s gentle float over and only the sound of wind in grass disturbs the silence.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

The worst part is that the day will start wonderfully, but by days end,something horrid will happen. Not just mundane stuff like family arguments, dropping a dish, or having to put something back in the checkout line.

But like life changing events. Abusers, Trauma, and last night, poisoning.

It's too much. I hate having this stuff in my life. And when I reach out to people for support, I feel like a drama queen because it happns in such rapid succession.

I'ts like

Here, I had a biopsy. And then here, abusers back. And then here I just got knocked around. And then here I got poisoned at the bus stop.

I mean it's too much for anyone to bear. I think I'm alienating people, because they think I'm a drama queen, when really, some pretty messed up stuff happened all in a row, and then more stuff.

And most of it, I've realized is all going back to a loved one who is on drugs.

I feel so alone in this, because when I open up and let myself be vulnerable, it pushes people away, because they think I'm just full of negativity.

But i'm not!! I am so optimistic. It's just that my little world is crashing around me. And it's frightening.

I feel so terribly alone.

 

[Wolfnox]

The worst part is that the day will start wonderfully, but by days end,something horrid will happen. Not just mundane stuff like family arguments, dropping a dish, or having to put something back in the checkout line.

But like life changing events. Abusers, Trauma, and last night, poisoning.

It's too much. I hate having this stuff in my life. And when I reach out to people for support, I feel like a drama queen because it happns in such rapid succession.

I'ts like

Here, I had a biopsy. And then here, abusers back. And then here I just got knocked around. And then here I got poisoned at the bus stop.

I mean it's too much for anyone to bear. I think I'm alienating people, because they think I'm a drama queen, when really, some pretty messed up stuff happened all in a row, and then more stuff.

And most of it, I've realized is all going back to a loved one who is on drugs.

I feel so alone in this, because when I open up and let myself be vulnerable, it pushes people away, because they think I'm just full of negativity.

But i'm not!! I am so optimistic. It's just that my little world is crashing around me. And it's frightening.

I feel so terribly alone.

Here’s a few wonderful songs to help. I hope you like them. Listen and picture a fluffy wolf with angel wings coming to keep you company.

Hope it helps.

 

[Rodafina]

Let your little world and your optimism protect you now. It is under attack, but I know that your inner world, your faith, and your outlook on life is strong and true. It can withstand the storm and see you through to the other side.

I believe you. This does not sound hyperbolic, it just sounds like many, many things piled up all at once. Thank you for trusting us with your story so that we can support you.

 

[Alexej]

My heart goes out to you

May the angels guard you and your lived ones
Each day - each night
in your coming and in your going

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It just sucks.

And I want to have joy in my life.

I consider myself very resilient.

But in this crazy time, I really really really really need other people in the boat with me, to help me bail out the water. People I know well. People I love.

But they're all going through their own times too. So it's terribly difficult.

And I keep having this impulse to just give in, and let it all wash away.

But I won't. Bad things happen and I get sad, but then I choose joy.

And afterward, there is such peace, and hope.

But lately it's just one after another, like a biblical plague. I am trying so hard to endure. Because in all things, this too shall pass.

I guess the optimism in the biblical plague, is that I've always been very fond of frogs.

I'm exhausted. It's like there's this little light that I'm trying to keep going, inside a packet of dry grass and twigs.

 

[Tom]

I think in such times it's good to realize that no matter how bad it feels, there is always someone who has it worse and deserves your sympathy.

Take the Duke and Duchess of Suffix for example. Poor souls with nothing better to do while War rages in the middle east then spend a week in the Bahamas, or wherever.

Yes, I think you are right, it is much for people here (or anywhere) to handle. And practically every day more is added here by members to the tab of despair. It's not Club Med. More like Club Dread.

But we are willing to listen, and sympathize, or empathize, whichever is correct. Discussions on their meaning have me totally confused on those two. And I think we do understand, we can relate. We are limited in this online community as to what we can offer, and individually what we can manage. Limited to sympathy, to good wishes and perhaps divine intervention. All that I have for you.

 

[Sherlock77]

In these tough times, cling to your faith and the hope of that, and pray lots!

Is your pastor available for a hospital visit? Or request a visit from a hospital chaplain, they are trained in the emotional needs of people...

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

May you be whole again with joy in your heart, @Yeshuasdaughter

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, l agree with you. Life sucks, and all the frigging crap happens all at the same time. I had my family completely leave me when l needed them the most. You are a spiritual warrior, and you walk with a giant load on your back, but your perservance carries you thru. Your daughter carries you through. And we all at the spectrum need your kind loving words of guidance. You may have hit an incredibly hard spot, but this will change as life is always in motion. Stay fierce, stay the warrior you are.

 

[Wolfnox]

It just sucks.

And I want to have joy in my life.

I consider myself very resilient.

But in this crazy time, I really really really really need other people in the boat with me, to help me bail out the water. People I know well. People I love.

But they're all going through their own times too. So it's terribly difficult.

And I keep having this impulse to just give in, and let it all wash away.

But I won't. Bad things happen and I get sad, but then I choose joy.

And afterward, there is such peace, and hope.

But lately it's just one after another, like a biblical plague. I am trying so hard to endure. Because in all things, this too shall pass.

I guess the optimism in the biblical plague, is that I've always been very fond of frogs.

I'm exhausted. It's like there's this little light that I'm trying to keep going, inside a packet of dry grass and twigs.

The Lord tryeth the heart. You got a fighting spirit same as me.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I know some of how you feel.

I have no one to confide in and what little contact I do have I am pretty sure people are burned out of hearing how devastated I am that my husband left.

People tell me I am strong and will come through. But I am old and tired. Sometimes too tired to keep going.

So I’m just letting you know I have felt some of the things you are describing.

I hope your life settles down soon.

 

[Forest Cat]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.

 

[NB79]

May you feel the company of the Holy Spirit in this difficult times.