The isolation never leaves

[Alan tm]

Life has always been difficult, different problems at different ages.
I somehow thought it would work out ,I would have to with time.

It's all been difficult, from the early extreme anxiety to depression.

Now I'm a lot older I did hope that it would become my Life, I'd build some structure.

But no , it's all still a big mess and I'm disconnected from everything and everyone still.

My relationships are so distant that im not sure im even in them ,
I've had people I know die and I'm not sure I reacted

I know I do feel things because I'm so tormented by things every day .

The world to me is a street of passing strangers.

 

[Tom]

Sounds like you are in full blown depression. Are you seeing a doctor about it? I mean Shrink or Therapist. The hole is there. You are there. You have to start climbing again.

 

[Cactus]

I stand on the edge of the abyss, everyday. Each day I try not to fall in, even though many days I want to jump in. Hang on Alan tm. I can't give you a reason why because I'm still searching for one, and yes, I'm assuming there is one.

 

[Chance]

Life has always been difficult, different problems at different ages.
I somehow thought it would work out ,I would have to with time.

It's all been difficult, from the early extreme anxiety to depression.

Now I'm a lot older I did hope that it would become my Life, I'd build some structure.

But no , it's all still a big mess and I'm disconnected from everything and everyone still.

My relationships are so distant that im not sure im even in them ,
I've had people I know die and I'm not sure I reacted

I know I do feel things because I'm so tormented by things every day .

The world to me is a street of passing strangers.

I fully understand what your saying "the world is a street full of passing strangers."

In that I just try and find my WHY... And then find the HOW... If for any other reason to keep me out of my head as much as possible... When I get too far in my head, I get in really dark places sometimes... I love deep thinking AS LONG AS its not about me sucking at LIFE...

I have given up on people understanding me... So the next best thing to do is do things that they don't do.
Find your deepest dream and ask yourself HOW you can start everyday trying to make that come true...

You don't have to tell a soul what that dream is, actually its probably best you don't... BUT after a while things start making sense in how you (I or anyone else) can grow into the dreams we have and its not easy, but its way better than handcuffing yourself to a life that sucks, around people who don't get you or want to get you... Do something different, don't think in circles, thinking things will change, they wont... Well actually let me retract that... Things will change, but mostly for the worst. (its mostly like a mental toilet)

I have seen a psychologist and I'm no longer ashamed of that. Some of it was bunk, but over all, some of it was very helpful. We all need some help sometimes. I hate my meds, any meds, but I have to deal with the fact I need them and I still HATE them with a passion. I have no idea what my hang up is, other than maybe some bad family history with some drug abuse with some family members that turned into some very abusive situations for me when I was little. However, I have to be open to stuff, and once I got past MYSELF, things still are a mess, but there are options everywhere.

Everyone of us are a result of the thoughts we have, that turn into the lives we live.

Let those people be strangers if needed, but learn from them... : )
I hope you get to feeling better soon.

 

[SusanLR]

Life is a street of passing strangers when you can't feel connected to them.
Keeping on keeping on is like waiting on a feeling that never comes.
Getting out of your head is the most difficult since that is what you hear around the clock...
your own thoughts. And it can be a dark place to reside.

Everyone of us are a result of the thoughts we have, that turn into the lives we live

I believe that to be so true, but, changing the thoughts... oh, my.
Meds, therapy, forcing yourself past the thoughts each day.
What ever it takes.
There must be something more to life than surviving.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find. As the song says.
I've just never found the road map.

Each day we have a new start to try again.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find. As the song says.

Hate that song. Now it's in my head.

Like a virus. Like thought itself.

Each day is a new start, how wondrous is that!
We don't need a map, it would be the wrong map tomorrow.

I often take a nap, I get two new starts each day.

I saw a kite, shaping the wind, flowing higher,lower for a time.
Then it moved on.
We reject the thoughts ,giving them power , we cling to them, fearingftheir loss,
Yet can we be like a kite, free in the wind.
Or can we see the kite, feel the joy ,then let it go.

 

[Chance]

Hate that song. Now it's in my head.

Like a virus. Like thought itself.

Each day is a new start, how wondrous is that!
We don't need a map, it would be the wrong map tomorrow.

I often take a nap, I get two new starts each day.

I saw a kite, shaping the wind, flowing higher,lower for a time.
Then it moved on.
We reject the thoughts ,giving them power , we cling to them, fearingftheir loss,
Yet can we be like a kite, free in the wind.
Or can we see the kite, feel the joy ,then let it go.

I must have woke up stupid... I cant think of the song Susan is talking about...
If I could I would know how to torment you... (just kidding), well maybe sort of kidding... : )

 

[Chance]

Life is a street of passing strangers when you can't feel connected to them.
Keeping on keeping on is like waiting on a feeling that never comes.
Getting out of your head is the most difficult since that is what you hear around the clock...
your own thoughts. And it can be a dark place to reside.

I believe that to be so true, but, changing the thoughts... oh, my.
Meds, therapy, forcing yourself past the thoughts each day.
What ever it takes.
There must be something more to life than surviving.
There's an ordinary world somehow I have to find. As the song says.
I've just never found the road map.

Each day we have a new start to try again.

On changing thoughts...
I have been doing something weird, BUT its working.
An old (or even recent negative thought pops up out of nowhere, or something triggers it)...
I try to stop whatever I am doing for just a second and purposely think...

What just happened?
Where did that come from?
Is it healthy or destructive/is this helping me or hurting me?
What is the better option here?
What thought do I own to replace that with?
How can I turn that BS thought into something useful?

It takes some conscious time, but its taking our time either way...

Suddenly the thought itself becomes powerless. It doesn't always work, but its my "hack" for jumping from my conscious mind, to the crap buried in my unconscious mind.

I truly suck at meditating, I have tried and tried, and will still try, but its a real challenge in itself when it shouldn't be... I think ASD/ADD just sort of overrides my ability to shut everything or anything OFF.

So, I use those (usually bad) thoughts that wont shut up as tools against themselves, and they sort of have no option but to cancel out IF I cant find a purpose for them... (and I usually cant, which is a good thing)

Yes, they may come back in 10 minutes, (because my body is wanting the chemical response of my thoughts) but I now know its the programming in my subconscious that is causing this, so I do this HOPEFULLY to overtime rewrite the program...

We live in/on a narrative of mostly memories... That forms our take on "reality." If we think we suck, and the world sucks, and everyone is against us... Our programming will go out and prove itself to be true.

Now if we change that thinking just a little... "There are good people out there. There are others who still care. I'm not as stupid as people told me, etc..." That "programming" has to prove itself true as well, but you have to battle through killing off the old programming... We become addicted to it, because of the chemicals it produces every time we think in our old way...

SO once I took all the hocus pokus out of the picture, and went with pure factual logic... For me it got easier.
Its not something that changes overnight... Yet they say in 30 days we can start the reprogramming and it will start sticking... So far I'm buried up in about 6 months of this craziness, and no it isn't easy, but I can tell things are changing. My outlook on LIFE has changed drastically, and I'm far bolder than I used to be. That don't mean people aren't jerks, and I still wont stumble and fall all over the place... It does mean I can look at things (thoughts) in a very different way then I have all my life...

Maybe this will help you, if you choose to try it... : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

YES this: "We live in/on a narrative of mostly memories... That forms our take on "reality." If we think we suck, and the world sucks, and everyone is against us... Our programming will go out and prove itself to be true.

Now if we change that thinking just a little... "

Rewrite those negative tapes because they are wrong!!! Just because someone (like your parents or other family members) said so doesn't make them right. Those negative tapes are distorting your view of yourself and reality.

 

[Full Steam]

Life has always been difficult, different problems at different ages.
I somehow thought it would work out ,I would have to with time.

It's all been difficult, from the early extreme anxiety to depression.

Now I'm a lot older I did hope that it would become my Life, I'd build some structure.

But no , it's all still a big mess and I'm disconnected from everything and everyone still.

My relationships are so distant that im not sure im even in them ,
I've had people I know die and I'm not sure I reacted

I know I do feel things because I'm so tormented by things every day .

The world to me is a street of passing strangers.

I've felt like that so much in my life, and probably will again, but for me at least it turned out to be depression, and in my case, it's mostly chemical in nature.

I had an appalling year last year, my mother died and I didn't even get to speak to her in the last two weeks, let alone see her. I was ill with gut issues that had me constantly sick and malnourished, I had bad anxiety and depression, and the Prozac made it worse, invoking suicide ideation. My ADHD was so bad I could barely work, and then only between autistic shutdowns that happened every day.

All that while running the family business which was on the brink, and raising three kids under 7.

That was last year though.

Now, I've come to terms with losing my mum, I have (finally) got working treatment for my gut issues, I have ADHD treatment that works, and I've found that Lexapro gets rid of my depression within an hour of taking half a tablet.

If it gets really bad, I might take a full tablet for three days, but then the depression is gone, often for weeks, and I don't take it again until it comes back.

I know I'm unusual in this, and my psychiatrist says it placebo, but she's wrong (as she's been in most things).

Now I can that the world I saw last year was the same world, just seen through dramatically different glasses.

The biggest lessons I learnt about depression are these;

1. Depression is like a termite infestation in your house; you need to act at the very first sign with treatment that is known to work and don't stop until all signs are gone.
2. Don't ever think that it's normal to have an end-to-end negative view of the world - it's not.
3. Don't ever try to put up with it, or suffer through it. Stamp it out on the first sign.
4. If you think it's depression, then it is depression. Don't doubt yourself act now.
5. You must find the right treatment, and don't stop until something works really well. Don't put up with any treatment that's not perfect.
6. Don't give responsibility to health care providers - if you think they may be wrong in what they prescribe, try something else, or someone else. Get their help, find someone you can trust, but keep the responsibility for you own health.

The last thing that is maybe even more important - find meaning in your life.
Read "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl.

 

[Full Steam]

Another thing;

Don't judge yourself for how you cope or act with bereavement.

You deal with it in your own way, and however you did so was right for you.

I've never had to deal with it before, and then in the space of 12 months lost 3 family members. I know I acted and coped atypically, and I needed help to know what to do at times, but that's ok.

My brain kind of locks up when I'm in situations where I'm expected (or I believe I'm expected) to act in a certain way.

Really, we should grieve for the person we lost, and our relationship with them, and if we can pass on comfort to others then great.

Oddly, I'd read all about the stages of grief and how to get through losing a loved one, but when it happened none of that knowledge helped in the slightest. The only thing that did was to let whatever needed to happen happen.

 

[Chance]

I know I'm unusual in this, and my psychiatrist says it placebo, but she's wrong (as she's been in most things).

I agree so much on what you said about meds... My doc wants me to stay on mine everyday... but if I take it only a few days (only in the morning) all is good sometimes for weeks.

If I take it everyday, on about the 6th or 7th day (every time) I start turning into this angry little jerk, that can be set off by the smallest thing! Thats not me, its never been me, its not how I ever act. Its the meds and everyone thinks I'm some nut job when I try to explain it. They do work and work very well, but its like they overload my system over time and they become counter productive.

I (like you) am very in tune with what my mind and body is needing... Only a person who is doing that would even notice 1/2 of a pill would work when you notice something changing. I believe you more than you can understand.

Some people just want meds to make everything disappear, regardless of the later consequences. Xanax makes me feel very good!!! BUT I also KNOW its one of the most addictive drugs that must be increased and increased over time, and I will wind up in rehab, so I never take it unless I truly cant shake whats going on.
Or if I have a tough meeting, something important and I try to take it about 3 hours ahead of when things get all out of whack... Once I see (notice) I cant shake it, I take it and about 45 minutes later, I'm going on with life. They have never had to increase the dosage or strength, and I have been taking it on and off for 5 years... So, recently my doc states he thinks I may not need that anymore and gave me zoloft...

It was horrible, so he let me go back to doing things my way, but he simply dont understand my mindset on how I use it... But it works... : )

 

[Full Steam]

I agree so much on what you said about meds... My doc wants me to stay on mine everyday... but if I take it only a few days (only in the morning) all is good sometimes for weeks.

If I take it everyday, on about the 6th or 7th day (every time) I start turning into this angry little jerk, that can be set off by the smallest thing! Thats not me, its never been me, its not how I ever act. Its the meds and everyone thinks I'm some nut job when I try to explain it. They do work and work very well, but its like they overload my system over time and they become counter productive.

I (like you) am very in tune with what my mind and body is needing... Only a person who is doing that would even notice 1/2 of a pill would work when you notice something changing. I believe you more than you can understand.

Some people just want meds to make everything disappear, regardless of the later consequences. Xanax makes me feel very good!!! BUT I also KNOW its one of the most addictive drugs that must be increased and increased over time, and I will wind up in rehab, so I never take it unless I truly cant shake whats going on.
Or if I have a tough meeting, something important and I try to take it about 3 hours ahead of when things get all out of whack... Once I see (notice) I cant shake it, I take it and about 45 minutes later, I'm going on with life. They have never had to increase the dosage or strength, and I have been taking it on and off for 5 years... So, recently my doc states he thinks I may not need that anymore and gave me zoloft...

It was horrible, so he let me go back to doing things my way, but he simply dont understand my mindset on how I use it... But it works... : )

One of the problems with medicine is that the whole industry is set up for institutionalised experts to hand out drugs to good little consumers who have given over all responsibility for their well being into a system.

It's possibly right for people who don't want to even think about their own health, but for those of us who want control, it serves us badly.

I'll not have them stand in my way though.

"they" want me on Lexapro and Ritalin every day.

Instead I take them as needed and randomly cycle with other things. Working ok so far.

 

[SusanLR]

I like your idea @Chance of taking time to be aware of the thing that triggers a thought that is fearful
and will start the cycle that, for me, can lead to a panic attack.
Being mindful of this is something to try.
The past two weeks have been bad for me with the fear thoughts.
I could say I don't know why, but, deep inside I do know.
Revolving thoughts around the past are always behind it.
First of all I've been sick with the flu, so that gave me plenty of time to lay in bed and think.
My houseshare partner had it too and found at the same time he had suffered a mild heartattack,
has clogged carotid arteries and is not getting enough blood flow to his heart.
So two ill people in a house with time to "think."

In comes the past... memories of being too agoraphobic to leave my room.
Thought: What if I get that way again because I'm sick and really can't leave the house very much.
Illness also caused congestion and breathing difficulties.
Thought: Gee the coughing and breathing problems makes me think of hyperventilation when
anxiety strikes. Body calls for hyperventilation from the thought.
And of course with no one to turn to if things go badly for my house partner reminds me of how
it feels to feel totally alone in the world. As I did when I lost my last family member.
Yes, the 'what if's" were hitting hard.

Now thankfully I am very good at meditation and also have CDs that help guide you when you need to
hear a voice.
It is a great escape. It feels good.
But, then it's over and you become active again and here come the thoughts.
It may help some in the long run. But, for me it is a temporary relief.
I can see this is all going back to past experiences and fear of repeating the past
and losing my self confidence.

As far as meds, I've never tried just taking as needed because the doctors want you to take them
continous. That doesn't work. They build up and I feel worse than ever. Antidepressants.

That is so good to hear @Full Steam you have found something that takes the depression away
yet don't have to take it forever as doctors want. It's enough to make me want to try it.
And I've never tried Lexapro.

It is good to talk these things out. Thanks for your sharing, guys.

 

[SusanLR]

Hate that song. Now it's in my head.

Like a virus. Like thought itself.

Each day is a new start, how wondrous is that!
We don't need a map, it would be the wrong map tomorrow.

I often take a nap, I get two new starts each day.

I saw a kite, shaping the wind, flowing higher,lower for a time.
Then it moved on.
We reject the thoughts ,giving them power , we cling to them, fearingftheir loss,
Yet can we be like a kite, free in the wind.
Or can we see the kite, feel the joy ,then let it go.

And if all else fails...

Love it!
Strange I think of that line from a song you hate.
Here's how I'd meditate and fly a kite at the same time!

 

[Alan tm]

All your replies are more than I deserve really.
Thank you for your stories.

( read signs of depression, )I don't think it is .

It's a reflection of what's really happening.

It's not a passing incident. My lifelong memories are this shade .
The people are blanks , the grown ups were the giants that were just blank and scary.

I doubt I could get diagnosed as anything with the run ins I've had with
Doctors.
Also pills just make you feel the world like rubber why do it .

From the outside everything seems ok .

At times I've burst out laughing when hugged because it was like hugging a roll of carpet .
That got me in trouble a few times .

It is an isolated world ,I truly don't know how it can function or even survive.

Not sure if I understand family or relationships.

I can float though social situations .
But does it mean anything at all .

Isolated creatures floating on a lake .

 

[Irene Helrose]

Alan, I have been where you are. I know what that feels like. It really sounds like you have depression. I had (and still have sometimes) that numb feeling where nothing matters, a detatchment from lif and reality. I am taking meds to help me function as a working member of society. Did you just experience a loss of some kind? Has anything traumatic ever happened to you as a child or an adult? There is a reason why you feel the way you do. A good therapist or psychiatrist will be able to help you sort everything out. Keep your chin up, brother! Life is worth living. You will get through this.

 

[Irene Helrose]

Alan, I have been where you are. I know what that feels like. It really sounds like you have depression. I had (and still have sometimes) that numb feeling where nothing matters, a detatchment from lif and reality. I am taking meds to help me function as a working member of society. Did you just experience a loss of some kind? Has anything traumatic ever happened to you as a child or an adult? There is a reason why you feel the way you do. A good therapist or psychiatrist will be able to help you sort everything out. Keep your chin up, brother! Life is worth living. You will get through this.

 

[Irene Helrose]

Alan, I have been where you are. I know what that feels like. It really sounds like you have depression. I had (and still have sometimes) that numb feeling where nothing matters, a detatchment from lif and reality. I am taking meds to help me function as a working member of society. Did you just experience a loss of some kind? Has anything traumatic ever happened to you as a child or an adult? There is a reason why you feel the way you do. A good therapist or psychiatrist will be able to help you sort everything out. Keep your chin up, brother! Life is worth living. You will get through this.

 

[Irene Helrose]

Sorry for the multiple posts. Glitch occurred.