The consequences of me "not coming out" as Aspie... (tell me if you can relate)

[Hurting89]

I had a very negative experience of having my "Asperger's diagnosis" exposed as a teenager which I talk about in another thread. When I was about 20 in 2010 I decided I would for then on "keep it a secret" or try my hardest to at least and "pass".

But there has been consequences of this, I have been mislabeled all kinds of things by other people like a "narcissist" "lazy" and "personality disorder" , "argumentative" ect. from people that see some of my traits as negative or odd but are never able to suspect Asperger's because I'm able to pass.

I get a lot of negativity for this but it's still better than the alternative in my mind... of admitting the actual diagnosis. There are so many other consequences of revealing an Asperger's Diagnosis as an adult than just embarrassment, it can destroy your life.

It's a really conflicting thing.

 

[Adora]

I only found out I'm on the spectrum two years ago when I went to see a psychologist for help with dealing with trauma,but now that I know I'm very selective as to whom I tell in the fear that they may not understand but also I do fear that people not knowing would give them the wrong idea of me,though I rather not tell many people I do worry that they may think I'm either "weird" or mistake my shyness as being stuck up which my years ago an aunt told me that my shyness would make people think I'm a snob,but I understand you situation it's a lose,lose one where either way there is misunderstanding.

 

[Mia]

I've been called all manner of things through the years; weirdo, argumentative, selfish, freak, know it all. Seems to me that it would make little difference if the people who called me these things knew I had Asperger's or not. I think that people who apply labels to others need to be able to categorize something that they don't understand. When they do so, they don't have to think about them anymore.

 

[Warmheart]

It is far too damaging, disempowering, and exhausting to attempt to masquerade as someone I am not. People will know anyway. It costs me less to simply be who I am. I cannot afford the mask, when I have so many other challenges to balance. My energy is better suited to owning my autistic uniqueness, quirks and all.

My circle is only for those who accept me as I am.

If I had a job, I would disclose and request any needed accommodations. (Seriously, the personal cost of maintaining a facade as well as handling the executive function and social relating on the job would be so overwhelming, I'd keep losing jobs. So, not disclosing would be counter-productive.)

Autism is not a simply deficits-based condition, there are plenty of strengths, too. I focus on those. Socially, I keep my circle down to those who accept me as I am, including my need for quiet, routine, and limited socializing. We feel best when surrounded but those who accept us. I think it helps to first accept ourselves enough to just be who we are.

 

[clg114]

I've been called all manner of things through the years; weirdo, argumentative, selfish, freak, know it all. Seems to me that it would make little difference if the people who called me these things knew I had Asperger's or not. I think that people who apply labels to others need to be able to categorize something that they don't understand. When they do so, they don't have to think about them anymore.

I think you are right about that. This seems to be what "most people" do with things that they do not understand. My situation is different in that I was diagnosed late in life. I got the same treatment for most of my life. I knew that I was different, I just did not know why. My reaction was to develop a thick skin, I just did not let it bother me. Once I was diagnosed, it did not take long figure out that telling "most people" about my Asperger's was useless. Because they would not understand. Now days, my family knows (grandpa is a little different) and that is about it. People who know of me, but do not really know me, see me as "that weird, old. smart guy". And that is just fine with me.

 

[Judge]

Not letting it bother me. That's part of my mask as well.

It's always bothered me and always will when people display their ire towards me. An endless cycle of having to mask myself as best I can. Knowing that sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. And always being left with a sense of failure, in that the only thing I really accomplished was to avoid a serious ass-kicking by those who don't know or wouldn't care if they did.

For me, it's sufficient to keep it all on a "need-know-basis" only. For better or for worse.

 

[Cali Cat]

I, too, have been labeled frequently even by people who know me well and know of my autism. They've never bothered to research and understand it, even though some of them are surely (to my mind) somewhat on the spectrum themselves. I get along with these people well enough, but they still point out some of my traits in a teasing manner.

Basically, I think it does no good to tell people, because they aren't sufficiently invested to actually understand what it means.

The labels used to bother and confuse me when I was young; but, finally, I just gave up caring.

Unless you need accommodations for your level of autism, I don't think telling anyone will make a huge amount of difference.

 

[Judge]

Basically, I think it does no good to tell people, because they aren't sufficiently invested to actually understand what it means.

That's a critical point about it all. Particularly when you link this to what amounts to 98% of society. There's simply no incentive for them to be invested in us unless they are deeply bound to us through family ties or love or friendship. And even then it remains a struggle.

 

[Nitro]

I can go either way with my disclosure of my autism. It gets offered to those I trust as a way of explaining why I function the way I do. Most people simply don't understand the spectrum,so I don't bother telling them anything about it. Sometimes I wield it as a rusty jagged sword just to keep the dumber ones away from me

 

[Nitro]

That's a critical point about it all. Particularly when you link this to what amounts to 98% of society. There's simply no incentive for them to be invested in us unless they are deeply bound to us through family ties or love or friendship. And even then it remains a struggle.

I really don't buy into the percentages that are used,I am quite sure the actual numbers are higher than the estimates

 

[Judge]

I really don't buy into the percentages that are used,I am quite sure the actual numbers are higher than the estimates

Agreed. I just use the CDC numbers as a benchmark. A point of reference. Most of such public statistics strike me as being similar to unemployment numbers. Woefully less than the reality of the situation. But I can't empirically prove it, so I stick to the benchmark as a matter of protocol.

Not to mention that the authorities likely don't want to know and report the real number of autistic people for a number of reasons whether formally or self-diagnosed.

 

[clg114]

Agreed. I just use the CDC numbers as a benchmark. A point of reference. Most of such public statistics strike me as being similar to unemployment numbers. Woefully less than the reality of the situation. But I can't empirically prove it, so I stick to the benchmark as a matter of protocol.

Not to mention that the authorities likely don't want to know and report the real number of autistic people for a number of reasons whether formally or self-diagnosed.

Are these authorities that you speak of, the same authorities who are heavily influenced by the insurance industry and do not want to have to pay for the support of those extra people?

 

[Nitro]

Are these authorities that you speak of, the same authorities who are heavily influenced by the insurance industry and do not want to have to pay for the support of those extra people?

That would be my guess that they are a part of it. I know that for one myself I never actually knew what made me tick and can bet that there are many more of us out there like me that were never suspected of anything other than being a little odd or moody.

 

[Judge]

Are these authorities that you speak of, the same authorities who are heavily influenced by the insurance industry and do not want to have to pay for the support of those extra people?

IMO, theoretically no. Scientists, bureaucrats and bean-counters within the CDC. However to assume the influence of partisan politicians is beyond them would be a mistake as well. We technically have non-partisan institutions within the private sector, but to what degree their integrity may be in operating impartially is anyone's guess.

But partisan mentalities in both parties...yes- they indeed have an agenda that is not in our best interest, IMO. Those who want to contain the actual number of citizens potentially eligible for subsidized healthcare based on the fiscal impact alone and those who want to see the ACA thrive by containing the actual exposures to less than what they actually are.

In all honesty I see both diagnosed and un-diagnosed adults as a fiscal and political liability to the powers that be.

 

[Nitro]

IMO, theoretically no. Scientists, bureaucrats and bean-counters within the CDC. However to assume the influence of partisan politicians is beyond them would be a mistake as well. We technically have non-partisan institutions within the private sector, but to what degree their integrity may be in operating impartially is anyone's guess.

In all honesty I see both diagnosed and un-diagnosed adults as a fiscal and political liability to the powers that be.

Then you have to enter into the realm of the missed diagnostics as another factor. After all,it all boils down to opinions in the end. (educated guesses)

 

[Judge]

Then you have to enter into the realm of the missed diagnostics as another factor. After all,it all boils down to opinions in the end. (educated guesses)

Good point. All those diagnoses botched at the outset by alleged medical professionals...no telling how much that skews the equation as well. And too, on a global basis factor in the differences in diagnostic methods between the DSM-V and the ICD.

 

[umbrellabeach]

Recently a guy at work accused me of daydreaming when in reality he was speaking too quietly and I couldn't understand him over all the noise in the store - music, voices, cash registers beeping, etc. It was all very loud.
Sometimes if I'm overwhelmed and someone keeps bothering me and making me even MORE overwhelmed, I'll lash out at them and then get in trouble. That also happened at work once.
And sometimes people are too vague with their instructions and I have to ask for clarification of certain parts of them. I imagine they get frustrated with that.

I think people who do these things and witness my reactions think I'm angry, stupid, slow, etc. But the way I see it, people who judge and label me like that aren't worthy of knowing such personal information about me. I only tell people I trust to understand. And if someone doesn't at least TRY to understand my behavior instead of making assumptions, there's no reason for me to trust them. They won't understand autism. They won't WANT to.

 

[WereBear]

I know that for one myself I never actually knew what made me tick and can bet that there are many more of us out there like me that were never suspected of anything other than being a little odd or moody.

Myself as well: while I certainly met all kinds of odd & moody folks working in IT, it would not have occurred to me that I was one of them in any official way. All the ones I knew who were possibly on the specturm were far shyer and had considerably more coding talent

I am not officially diagnosed yet, but have shared my suspicions with certain friends and a couple of family members, all to good effect so far. But my employment is another matter, as well as letting it be known to the public at large.

I agree that there is so much prejudice and fear that "passing" certainly has its appeal. But I am also a living example of the havoc it can wreak; I am barely functioning some days. In my case, being diagnosed with a "condition" could lead to treatment coverage and employment protection.

 

[Nitro]

Myself as well: while I certainly met all kinds of odd & moody folks working in IT, it would not have occurred to me that I was one of them in any official way. All the ones I knew who were possibly on the specturm were far shyer and had considerably more coding talent

I am not officially diagnosed yet, but have shared my suspicions with certain friends and a couple of family members, all to good effect so far. But my employment is another matter, as well as letting it be known to the public at large.

I agree that there is so much prejudice and fear that "passing" certainly has its appeal. But I am also a living example of the havoc it can wreak; I am barely functioning some days. In my case, being diagnosed with a "condition" could lead to treatment coverage and employment protection.

I can only wish the best for you and hope it all works in your favor

I think that one of the most important details of coping is placing a focus on the stronger suits and finding ways to improve the parts that are lacking. If it takes the help of professionals to achieve those goals then by all means,use them,but don't support their habits forever either

Most of my life,I never gave a rat's ass what others thought of me.I still don't either,just ask me
It never presented a problem for me while working,I was just considered a valuable employee and dragged from position to position as my raw talents were exploited for their own benefit and mine.I have been from the bottom rung of the working ladder all the way to the CEO chair. My disability put me on the injured reserved list at age 50,but the retired life seems to fit well so once again,all is looking pretty good.Now every day is a Saturday that always ends on a Friday night

I have always studied the way people function, and AspiesCentral is a virtual goldmine for people like me.I really hate the functioning labels the most because some have lower functioning skills that are still considered high functioning.We aren't all Einsteins,either even if we think we are

The diversity the autism spectrum is astounding to say the least.Y'all break so many of the autistic stereotypes they are about useless in my honest opinion. I could say much the same about the black art of psychology even though I consider myself one of their armchair quarterbacks

 

[Judge]

The diversity the autism spectrum is astounding to say the least.Y'all break so many of the autistic stereotypes they are about useless in my honest opinion. I could say much the same about the black art of psychology even though I consider myself one of their armchair quarterbacks

It's always on my mind. The horror of any medical professional cavalierly dismissing our autism just because it doesn't reflect a "cookie-cutter" understanding and diagnosis of our neurological condition. We really are a diverse lot. Enough so that it makes the very concept of stereotypes an impractical one at that IMO.