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Telling ex about aspergers

Lady Penelope

Lady Penelope

Well-Known Member
I recently broke up with my partner of almost 10 years. I did not know about aspergers until after we split.
I'm undiagnosed thus far but just started seeing a psyc about getting more info and possible diagnosis.
Aspergers seems to explain a lot of issues I've had throughout my life and, more particular, the issues that led to the ending of my relationship.
I'm wondering whether to contact my ex to explain what i think happened and how aspergers played a part.

He was really upset at the ending of us and i may not have given him an adequate explanation why i was ending it.

Am i being selfish if i tell him? Will it seem as though I'm offering excuses?
Or is it unnecessary as i do not want to rekindle anything?

He's NT btw if that makes a difference.
 
It was a ten year relationship.

If knowing what you know now would have changed things: then yes, some brief update seems appropriate to me.

My own NT (sixteen year relationship) found my own diagnosis to be helpful; it explained some of my exasperating quirks to him. Now he takes them in stride rather than mistaking them for me being indifferent to his needs.
 
WereBear said:
If knowing what you know now would have changed things: then yes, some brief update seems appropriate to me.
Click to expand...

I would have agreed with this, except that @Lady Penelope stated that she has no interest in rekindling the relationship. I think with that knowledge, I'd say leave it because giving him some explanation may get his hopes up that the relationship could resume, knowing what you now do.
 
I would opt for telling him, but with the understanding that you do not wish to get back together. There is a lot of hurt in the world and if you can heal a wound I say go for it. You obviously still care about the guy, even if you understand that it is better to not have a relationship. If it was me I would go for it.
 
I might have said "yes" had it been he who ended the relationship. But it was you who did that. Then factor in that you have no intention of rekindling the relationship. Add the difficulty of much of any NT being able to grasp the tenets of autism and how it impacts relationships.

The capacity for people to forgive is always there. But seriously, never count on them forgetting that it happened. Which will always promote "seeds of doubt". I've been there. I know. I dumped someone over my own traits and behaviors I didn't even understand myself at the time. We revived the relationship, but nevertheless she eventually dumped me. Things were never the same despite an apparent reconciliation.

Simply put, there's no upside for him in such an equation. Let him go in peace.
 
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I would just leave it in the past. You may never see him again, and there's no point in opening old wounds.
 
Judge said:
I might have said "yes" had it been he who ended the relationship. But it was you who did that. Then factor in that you have no intention of rekindling the relationship. Add the difficulty of much of any NT being able to grasp the tenets of autism and how it impacts relationships.

The capacity for people to forgive is always there. But seriously, never count on them forgetting that it happened. Which will always promote "seeds of doubt". I've been there. I know. I dumped someone over my own traits and behaviors I didn't even understand myself at the time. We revived the relationship, but nevertheless she eventually dumped me. Things were never the same despite an apparent reconciliation.

Simply put, there's no upside for him in such an equation. Let him go in peace.
Click to expand...

A good assessment.
 
Thank you all for your replies.
I think I'll leave him be.
Only If he contacts me again and wants to talk about it, i could tell him so he knows it wasn't entirely his fault...might give him some closure.
 
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