I'm trying to both stand up to an irl bully, most of the day, daily and be nice to people who are cordial, often directly back to back. It's hard to switch back and forth between them so rapidly.
It's like trying to go from a ruthless-battle mindset
turning around mid-battle to coo over a baby without carrying that over in your voice (especially if vocal tone is already a struggle) and going back to battle and expecting not to be clobbered.
And back and forth etc.
It's not easy because they're such polar opposites.
Ok, thanks ; I am still not sure I really get it but maybe I have a flicker of insight ....
If your friends are actually your friends, you should be able to be your real self around them and explain if you get stuck in a certain emotional state...to say briefly "Hey if I seem angry atm it's not about you, I am still pissed off from a confrontation with a bully [x] minutes ago."
Also most people have a range of emotions and they change based on context. Being gentle and silly with an infant doesn't equal weakness, even to most bullies (many of whom can be shockingly gentle when they want to be)...but I hear you saying your internal state shifts very slowly? Partly because the expression part is forced and requires immense concentration?
I think my problem with appreciating your difficulty stems from not sharing it...I can go from happy and fine to defensive rage in a flash if someone threatens me enough - and right back to zero once all is well. Going from anger and defensiveness to fine is
sometimes a bit (or a lot) slower (if the issue remains unresolved), so that part I understand a bit easier...but again anyone who is your friend should appreciate how you might need a few minutes to gear down after a fight with a bully.
I think the biggest difficulty I have with understanding is that this seems to be an act tor you...like you respond to people only the way you think you "should"? If I was just acting I could drop the act faster than a real emotional state. (I was heavily involved in youth theater as a kid and a decent actor yet I can't fake emotions in real life btw, not beyond simply mirroring nonverbals I don't understand from the other person to some degree; and if i want to hide emotions I usually just go blank....not sure why, maybe because of
extreme aversion to dishonesty...and there are very few situations where I think it is worthwhile for myself or any other person involved for me to even try to fake an emotional state....So, I can act if we all know I'm acting and its basically a game thats fun for all like in a theater production, but that follows a script and doesn't require compromising my integrity by tricking people, its not the same as dishonesty -- my discomfort and reluctance means I am a very unskilled and usually ineffective liar. I have sympathy though...it sounds unimaginably difficult to constantly put on an entire set of nonverbals and consciously adopt an emotional state...I couldn't do it.)
Thoughts:
It is very hard to fool a chronically aggressive bully into thinking you mean business when you don't. Most bullies are fairly to extremely socially saavy esp when it comes to threats or aggression, as they have to understand how such behaviour is recieved to successfully put it out there against others....So, if you are bad at emotional mimicry, I would suggest you not even try to fake it. Just be assertive,
and mean what you say, be 100% willing to follow through as needed, or it probably won't work.
And
@Outdated is right, standing up for yourself is important with everyone. People don't have the right to step over your reasonable boundaries by being in a certain social role (eg friend) or being kind to you more often than not. In my opinion good intentions are not everything, either, and do not excuse people from hurtful/harmful and disrespectful behaviour. Good intentions should be acknowledged, but a person with truly good intentions should value being told they have actually caused harm or insult to you instead of being helpful or supportive.
I will add that standing up for yourself does not
always actually require you to be really angry - in fact it can be counter-productive because many bullies are trying to get you upset and get a specific reaction or narrow range of reactions from you; Typically along the lines of fear or rage -- some are just looking for a fight with you (they are trying to goad you into giving them a reason they can justify to themselves while ignoring the fact they started it) to be verbally or physically aggressive so displaying as much anger as possible and going on the attack only gives them exactly what they want. If you give them neither anger nor fear consistently while calmly asserting yourself and letting them know you won't put up with their behaviour
some may back off real fast, confused and uncertain but clear on the fact you are not an easy nor rewarding target.
Standing up for yourself doesn't necessarily need "battle mode". You can be assertive without being aggressive. Try for simple no-nonsense dissaproval and super-confident stern and see what happens, in my experience it's often more effective because it shows you're not rattled or hurt by them but also not going to take their aggression or disrespect without some minimal self-defense -don't give them the attention they want, don't respond in a way that gives them the idea they can push your buttons and make you feel afraid
or angry.
A persistent bully will usually see through both false assertiveness and aggressive posturing if you are unwilling to ever take action to protect yourself, no matter how convincing an act you put on - if you tell them to stop doing something or face a consequence, no matter how fiercely, you have to actually enact that consequence or they will notice the mismatch between what you say and what you do and realize you're all talk - whether it is an action you do on your own or recruiting help from, say, police. (btw passive resistence is a valid self-defense response if it works for you)
