Super anxious and could use some help

[TheITAspie]

Hey, I'm new here but this is why I joined here to ask something(although I plan on staying) which is that I'm becoming more and more anxious/nervous/idk the closer to high school orientation and high schoo itself, which I understand is usually normal for everyone, but at this point I think it is going beyond that, because I am worried of how I'll mess up social interactions and such.
Also, on a side note, I have been playing neurotypical for atleast 4 years now and the past 2 being good at it, and I've done it for so long at this point that I have forgotten how to just be me, I have forgotten how to let my guard down and just be happy, and it sucks, and I could use help trying to remember how to be happy when alone.
Also, on yet another side note(I seem to do this alot), I do/don't like being by myself, I do cause I get to be alone(and hopefully being able to let my guard down) and I don't because I get lonely, I live in the middle of nowhere so there is noone to talk to that are my friends. Could use some help, thanks.

 

[Wildcat13]

Hey there,

"Playing neurotypical" can be exhausting, especially over a substantial length of time. Ironically, I think that has the potential to make social anxiety worse because it can get to the point where you spend all of your social interactions "acting" instead of enjoying the moment. That has been one of the hardest things for me to learn. I've always been good at pretending to be socially adept (mostly from copying the behavior of people who seem to be naturally social and well-liked), so it's difficult for me to let go of that act and "be myself." It's hard for people who aren't considered neurotypical because we are taught that our way of interacting is wrong--the same way introverts are taught that they should be more extraverted.

I've found that embracing my own quirks and not worrying so much about fitting some social mold actually reduces my social anxiety a lot, and allows me to function in a more natural way. I still "act" to some extent, try to be charming, smile, make eye contact, pay attention to social cues, but I am okay with not being perfect at it. It's probably harder for you since you are still in high school, but just know that you shouldn't feel pressured to change your personality. Think of it more as "adapting" your personality to fit the circumstance. Don't beat yourself up when you make mistakes. At the end of the day, think "Okay, I did this really awkward thing today. I realize that. It wasn't good. Next time I won't do that." and then do your best not think about it ever again.

I feel like this post has gotten long and rambling, and I don't know if it will help you at all. Just know that I struggled through four years of high school not knowing why I felt different than everyone else. I wasn't diagnosed until college. Just the fact that you already have a diagnosis that gives you a sense of how and why your brain works differently than a lot of people is a major bonus. Best of luck!

 

[Nisk]

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately, to the point that I had my first panic attack I can ever remember having.

Thankfully I think I'm thru the worst of it. For me what helped deal with the worst of the anxiety was simply stopping what I was doing and slowly breathing in and out well reciting in my head "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". I'm not religious it's just part of a prayer and in my head I'm to lazy to substitute it with something else but you could just leave the "God" word out completely if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Datura]

I think most people, even among aspies, crave some level of social interaction. It is all a matter of balance. Like you, I also cherish my solice but get very lonely if I go too long without seeing my friends. How long that time is, and how much social time we can take might be very different though.

As for acting; I would suggest you find friends around whom you can let down your gaurd. You might still have to make some compromises if you happen to have any habits that people find offputting. For example; I always used to pace and this made people very uneasy. I wasn't happy about it, but I stopped. No doubt you have made many such compromises. On the other hand, you shouldn't have to hide your interests, passions, and quirks from the people you call your friends. If they can't like you for who you are then they aren't worth your time. I would also strongly advocate for quality over quantity.

 

[Progster]

I agree with what others have said, that acting NT is exhausting. If I were you, I'd concentrate on trying to find friends who are more like you, who you feel comfortable with and don't need to act around. When I was in high school, the one or two friends were people who were a little bit different to the others and didn't belong to any clique or social circle of friends. I felt more comfortable round them and didn't have to act. This helped me get through high school. Also, it helped that one or two of the people I knew from middle school were in the same class, and we stuck together like glue for the first couple of weeks. It took me ages before I talked to any of the others in my class. It helps to just hold back for a while and watch people to see which ones are more like you, because they are the ones you are most likely to get on with and become friends with.

 

[TheITAspie]

Hey, thank you all for your responses and they do help, I would like to clarify that I do have a single best friend whom i can be me, but when i'm at home i dont feel safe being me cause my parents and such seeing me being weird would being unwanted attention to me(i.e. asking questions about why im doing what im doing, such as spinning around for no reason)

 

[Naturalist]

It is always difficult to start a new environment, especially one like high school which is inherently stressful. It might help you to go over your new schedule and identify each of the breaks, then arrange to go to the school building BEFORE you do orientation etc. and identify all your classrooms, your locker, nearest restrooms, places you can hide for a quick "breather" (there was an empty lab near my classroom I used to duck into in high school, where I would sit in the dark for a few minutes with my head down on the desk). Then, at orientation, you will already know where to go and you might immediately gain some "coolness" points! If you call the office and explain that you are feeling nervous, they should be able to put you in touch with someone who can show you around one-on-one. Or, go with an older sibling or friend ahead of time. The main thing is to find some places where you can be alone during the day just for a few minutes, so that you can let loose a little and cope.

When I went to London alone some years ago I was very anxious about getting lost. So the first few days I was there I did nothing but ride the Underground, getting off at every stop I might need, looking around the neighborhood, then getting back on the train and riding to my next stop to do the same there. It helped a lot because I could see in advance where to go, and more importantly, where I could go if I felt overwhelmed. I never once got lost!

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Hey, thank you all for your responses and they do help, I would like to clarify that I do have a single best friend whom i can be me, but when i'm at home i dont feel safe being me cause my parents and such seeing me being weird would being unwanted attention to me(i.e. asking questions about why im doing what im doing, such as spinning around for no reason)

Ah, but as you know, you spin around for a reason; stress relief, if you don't want to describe the lightning in your head. I too had parents who were really bothered and didn't dare ask about my strangeness. I didn't spin; I was a pacer. Still am. The behavioral things matter less when people notice that you're really good at something--which means you need to find that out first. One of the consistent themes in Asperger's literature is how our portfolios, our collected works, or just the things we do as special interests, are so good. Managing to find one that other people want can start to unlock doors to friends, lovers, jobs, and a life that only you could live.

To get there, you have to run this gauntlet. We're your cheering section. Into the lists! There is no way out, no way back, no other way but through...and you're not alone.

 

[TheITAspie]

I have already identified a special interest of mine that is VERY useful: computers, lol
Planning on becoming a Network security analyst/Netowrk admin

 

[Harry1965]

Hey TheITAspie (good career choice by the way; IT seems to suit Aspies very well).

I'm learning to "label" myself as "quirky".

This seems to help others deal with me and let's me off the hook in trying to be someone I am not I.e. I don't need to pretend to be someone else anymore.

Very freeing.

I actually love who I am now. And I let my quirkiness take me in conversations wherever they lead. Others also seem to enjoy talking with me more due to my being free to talk about a lot of my interests.

Still learning boundaries in how far and how deep and how much to share (this post is an example of sharing too much but you get the idea).

Be okay with who you are first by reminding yourself that you are here, taking up your space and you are here to experience your life here to the full.

 

[Harry1965]

I like that here you are not alone too. It's so reassuring to know there are so many others like us here.

I've met some Aspies in real life but it's hit and miss as to whether they will talk at this level and when you need to talk with someone. Hence the importance of this forum for me at least. It's really helping me and I'm so glad I stumbled onto this place.

 

[DC1346]

I am an aspie high school teacher.

Is the school aware of your condition? If so, you should have access to special ed services as needed ... The need being determined by your IEP, individualized education plan, basically a broad set of goals with ideas on how you could be successful. This plan is made by the special ed teacher with the support and agreement of your teachers and your parents or legal guardian.

High School can be very stressful for in-coming freshmen because (on average) you have gone from being the biggest and oldest kids at the middle school to being the youngest and smallest at the high school.

The familiar grounds of the middle school have been replaced with an unfamiliar new school. Depending upon where you live, your high school could also be considerably larger than your old middle school.

Larger schools mean more kids and more noise but one advantage of attending a larger school is that it will also offer more classes and there will be more clubs, organizations, and extracurricular activities available for you to join should you wish to do so.

 

[updownrightleft]

I went to high school. I'd get pissed because certain fellow students would assume me an hyper intelligent being, just because I was the silent type, and I didn't bond with anyone. It eventually became really hurtful and annoying. They'd underestimate my social comprehension by having one of them randomly calling my name loud in a *friendly* manner, then asking What's up? While I knew it was all a joke (cus his peers would be sniggering), it was uncomfortable. I think I was the victim of status gain. They'd ask me to do their homework. Blah blah blah, speaking in baby voice.

Not a very encouraging post. Because I quit, but not only due to this (I'll not explain).

I am similar to you in that I feel both loneliness and not loneliness. I am completely, almost entirely in aware state during face-to-face interaction. In that, it sucks to be social. And it sucks to be not social.