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Struggling

H

hyperbear88

New Member
I'm genuinely really struggling to find a partner.
I feel like I'm going insane.
I want to be able to date women, but I'm completely useless...
I'm a very traditional person (not religious). I want marriage, kids, the whole works - but finding someone who I get along with is near impossible.
I work two jobs, I'm always physically active and I'm still fairly young (22).
My biggest barrier is that I very rarely change my facial expression regardless of how I feel and I'm completely unable to pick up on social "signals". Body language and facial expressions from a partner are super hard for me to read and I prefer someone just be honest with me and tell me how they're feeling, rather than making me guess.
I'm usually very quiet and reserved but I'm well spoken, polite and I try to be as friendly as possible.
I feel like it's an impossibility for me to find someone... I know I have to wait and be patient, but I've been single for ages and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find another person to be with, who wants to be intimate with me and enjoy what time we have together going places, exploring new things and just having fun...
I have literally no self confidence of esteem because I've let my label of autism get to me and define me and I never had involved or supportive parents when I was younger, so I've never had a role model I can look up to, so I can learn what to do and how to do it.

If any of you have any tips, tricks, guides, or are perhaps interested yourselves in getting to know me, feel free to reach out. I'd love to get an idea of where I'm going wrong and how I can improve.

Thanks for reading.
 
What do you like to do in your spare time that you might meet people at?

For example: you won't likely find girls hanging out at the vintage radio repair club. That's almost exclusively very old men.

If you are not exploring and going places and having fun now, it's unlikely you'll find a girl friend who will go with you. Might as well have some good experiences, that will be worth while whether a lady shows up and hangs out or not. You sound like the kind of guy who'd do pretty great at a lot of outdoors stuff.
 
Are you seeing a therapist? I’m not saying they’re a cure-all, but if you have low self-esteem, did not have supportive parents and are letting your autism label define you, it might help to work through some of that with a professional.

Getting therapy is not guaranteed to get you a relationship, but if you don’t like who you are, it shows. Feeling more comfortable with who you are makes you more attractive to others. And what @Gerontius said. Go places, develop hobbies, explore some things on your own. If you want to be interesting to people, do interesting things :)
 
Welcome. You sound like me as a teen and young adult. I was a virgin at 28 when I found a wonderfully accepting woman who is now my spouse of 43 years. I went from where you are, to that, in three years and during that time I did a lot of maturing socially and emotionally. And In the '60s and '70s autism was rarely diagnosed and I did not know I was ASD. I decided at 25 to learn to like myself and read several self-help books, creating affirming messages about myself. And I unabashedly enjoyed my special interests, at the time, fossil collecting. I realized that I needed to practice being social in a structured way, so I joined the Sierra Club for its outings, where competence and a willingness to learn count for a lot, much more than an oddball personality. Succeeding there, I started being brave enough to ask women out, and started reading all I could about social communication. At first it felt like acting, having to remind myself what to do, then I started liking it and I was able to start a relationship. It ended since our interests didn't match up. Sad, but I understood what I wanted and by now my social and emotional maturity was catching up. So wanting to go on a longer outing, I signed up for a trail maintence trip in the Smoky Mountains. The trip leader sent out a roster and suggested we car pool if possible. I was going to be in Illinois, fossil collecting, before the trip and checked my route and saw a participant from Chicago, a woman. I was anxious because I had never just contacted a woman who did not know me in some way. But I called, she was open to car pooling, and was just getting into backpacking, and she had a beautiful voice. I was in my element and we talked frequently about gear and training, so we got to know each other, and on our four day road trip to join the group we had many adventures and became friends. On that fourth day I could see that she really liked being with me and I was falling for her. Circumstance had us sharing a tent. All my inhibitions were gone and I asked her if she would like to make love. I was so frightened I didn't hear her and went nattering on about nothing and she had to make it clear that she desired me. That actually changed my life. We have been having adventures ever since.

As @Bolletje suggested, therapy, or perhaps social coaching could help. I am doing CPT for PTSD by reminders of when I felt isolated as a teen and young adult. I will have a real test of how far I've come on a trip I'm taking later this week.
 
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Welcome!

You come across as intelligent and well mannered, but I can sense a bit of desperation in there as well. I was not able to even contemplate a relationship when I was your age and perhaps that is true of the women you are meeting as well. I did not make a lasting friend of any sort until I was in my mid to late twenties and a relationship did not come along until a few months after my 37th birthday. I was not looking for one when it happened, and it honestly took me by surprise.

I guess my only suggestion is to try to relax in any conversation with a woman. Listen and don't interrupt with a thought that her words might invoke, wait until she is done speaking. If you can do that, it will make points. We all want a connection and that does not happen all that often. You must keep putting yourself out there and trying, while just being honest and open. That is how things start and how relationships expand and flourish.

My best wishes for you finding someone you can honestly connect with and who shares a similar connection with you.
 
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Oh, I forgot. Along the way I lived independently. I think it says a lot about prospects as relationship material as demonstrating you can take care of yourself.
 
In a similar position to your own. Most of what you said applies to me as well. Aside from the religious part and circumstances. Mainly no job. Not for lack of trying.
I'm more or less stuck. All attempts to change or alter my situation has failed. I actually question if I want a relationship with a woman. Having witnessed and heard so much negativity regarding it. I don't see the point in a relationship where there is always doubt or concerns about the other person's intentions. :(:(:(
Do I have to question everything they do? Wonder every day if they might leave me?
I like the idea. But, is there room for happiness or trust?
 
i`d rather date giant stuffed animals :bearface: :monkey: :monkeyface: :tiger: :tigerface:& female aspies than nt women who want nothing to do with me because of how severely awkward i appear to upon eye contact.every time eye contact is unintentionally made by me,they walk away :( :mad: :angry: :imp: :rage:.i just avoid them upon eye contact,like they do to me,simply because i don`t care how severely awkward i appear to them upon eye contact :( :mad: :angry: :imp: :rage:,because they don`t care if looks are not everything.
 
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Wolfy Smurf said:
In a similar position to your own. Most of what you said applies to me as well. Aside from the religious part and circumstances. Mainly no job. Not for lack of trying.
I'm more or less stuck. All attempts to change or alter my situation has failed. I actually question if I want a relationship with a woman. Having witnessed and heard so much negativity regarding it. I don't see the point in a relationship where there is always doubt or concerns about the other person's intentions. :(:(:(
Do I have to question everything they do? Wonder every day if they might leave me?
I like the idea. But, is there room for happiness or trust?
Click to expand...
Yes, there is room for happiness and trust! By being as accepting of your partner as you wish them to be accepting of you provides a good start. Next comes common interests, and each of you also having different interests also helps, yet it is nice to have shared experiences. Then there is the foundation of values and personality, and you really need to pay attention to them.

It took me a bit of trial and error to figure out what I wanted/needed in a relationship and what I value in a partner. I was primed to meet my future spouse, and being friends as we finally met for some intense adventure, I learned that I valued her and she was the sole woman I wanted a deep relationship with. It still took work on both our parts, and I am still improving to be the best for her.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Yes, there is room for happiness and trust! By being as accepting of your partner as you wish them to be accepting of you provides a good start. Next comes common interests, and each of you also having different interests also helps, yet it is nice to have shared experiences. Then there is the foundation of values and personality, and you really need to pay attention to them.

It took me a bit of trial and error to figure out what I wanted/needed in a relationship and what I value in a partner. I was primed to meet my future spouse, and being friends as we finally met for some intense adventure, I learned that I valued her and she was the sole woman I wanted a deep relationship with. It still took work on both our parts, and I am still improving to be the best for her.
Click to expand...

I am working that out as well. I'm still on the fence about wanting one. But keeping an open mind.
 
Back when I dated, I had a rule where anytime I liked someone, I would tell them I liked them, and it worked every time. I think it was four times.
 
Fino said:
Back when I dated, I had a rule where anytime I liked someone, I would tell them I liked them, and it worked every time. I think it was four times.
Click to expand...

Generally, it's better to build something up and more mature sounding to imply these things. If the other person seems interested and doesn't get the hint, then ask directly and 1-1.
 
paloftoon said:
Generally, it's better to build something up and more mature sounding to imply these things. If the other person seems interested and doesn't get the hint, then ask directly and 1-1.
Click to expand...

I could never play those silly games. I'd rather be doing stuff.
 
hyperbear88 said:
I'm genuinely really struggling to find a partner.
I feel like I'm going insane.
I want to be able to date women, but I'm completely useless...
I'm a very traditional person (not religious). I want marriage, kids, the whole works - but finding someone who I get along with is near impossible.
I work two jobs, I'm always physically active and I'm still fairly young (22).
My biggest barrier is that I very rarely change my facial expression regardless of how I feel and I'm completely unable to pick up on social "signals". Body language and facial expressions from a partner are super hard for me to read and I prefer someone just be honest with me and tell me how they're feeling, rather than making me guess.
I'm usually very quiet and reserved but I'm well spoken, polite and I try to be as friendly as possible.
I feel like it's an impossibility for me to find someone... I know I have to wait and be patient, but I've been single for ages and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find another person to be with, who wants to be intimate with me and enjoy what time we have together going places, exploring new things and just having fun...
I have literally no self confidence of esteem because I've let my label of autism get to me and define me and I never had involved or supportive parents when I was younger, so I've never had a role model I can look up to, so I can learn what to do and how to do it.

If any of you have any tips, tricks, guides, or are perhaps interested yourselves in getting to know me, feel free to reach out. I'd love to get an idea of where I'm going wrong and how I can improve.

Thanks for reading.
Click to expand...
It's been over for us since the day we were born. We never had a chance. Women in the spectrum have a slightly easier time than men, but very very slightly. That's only because men have to make the first move.
 
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