struggling with making close friends

[Jonathan Lees]

greetings.

im a bit of an extrovert but being an aspie at the same time means that while i enjoy and desire a lot of social interaction i can also really struggle with that social interaction, one hell of a mix to be sure.

i enjoy being active and going to events, comedy shows, magic shows, random lectures, art shows, independent cinema, gigs etc. i normally end up going to these things alone however as it can be a struggle to find friends who want to and this sometimes affects my enjoyment of these activities.

i am often too anxious to talk to new people and make new friends at these events which is a shame since i understand that would be the best way to find friends willing to do those sorts of activities.

i have a range of acquaintances from shared interest groups but none/very few id honestly consider close, dependable and interested in many of my interests, most tend to be nerdy friends who share an interest in board games or video games etc. but often thats all they do and want to do while i desire a lot of other activities.

there are a wide range of things id love to get into if i had friends to do it with like urban exploration as an example, often these things im curious about are quite niche so maybe that contributes to the difficulty in finding friends who enjoy it.

basically id love to hear your thoughts on making close friends rather than merely acquaintances and how to make new friends while being very awkward.

j.

 

[Marcus]

I'm lucky to keep acquaintances from ignoring me, let alone having close friends.

I've never honestly had a friend that I can truly say I was close to, most were destroyed before they could reach that stage.

I really don't get out much at all, a lot of that has to due with the pain of my Cerebral Palsy, so I certainly know how hard it can be to get yourself out there and make friends.

Social Anxiety is another thing that haunts me too, hopefully someday though I find a good friend who will stick with me.

 

[Suzanne]

I found when I was a child and teen and then young woman ( not old yet), that right at the last moment of any event etc, I would strike up a conversation with a female and suddenly, it felt like I had a best friend, but the snag was, I had no concept on how to keep that friendship going and mostly, I forgot to ask to exchange numbers.

I would get very frustrated and often think: what is the matter with me; I get a taste right at the last moment, on what it might be like to have a friend, but it is like: whipped away from me. Whereas, my second sister, could and still can, click her fingers and be inundated with people. In fact, as soon as we arrived at a holiday place, she would disappear and we would rarely see her, due to her constant influx of friends she had just made. It felt exruiating embarrassing to me, who is the eldest of my siblings, but mentally, far younger than this particular sister.

My husband recently said: the trouble with you ( a favourite sentence of his to say to me), is that you can make friends; you just don't seem to know how to carry it on.

I am learning that cultivating friendships is a very trickly and time consuming action and in truth, I cannot be bothered any more. I have reconciled that I will never be a woman who has tons of female friends and that is fine now.

I do have one friend though and funny, because it started off like this and seems to be ending like this. I always perferred talking to older females and this lady is 71. We mainly chat through whatsapp, but that is because we live too far from each other, depite being in the same country. She is a driver, but does not have the finances and I am not a driver.

I would say I am an extrovert with people who make me feel comfortable.

 

[Streetwise]

greetings.

im a bit of an extrovert but being an aspie at the same time means that while i enjoy and desire a lot of social interaction i can also really struggle with that social interaction, one hell of a mix to be sure.

i enjoy being active and going to events, comedy shows, magic shows, random lectures, art shows, independent cinema, gigs etc. i normally end up going to these things alone however as it can be a struggle to find friends who want to and this sometimes affects my enjoyment of these activities.

i am often too anxious to talk to new people and make new friends at these events which is a shame since i understand that would be the best way to find friends willing to do those sorts of activities.

i have a range of acquaintances from shared interest groups but none/very few id honestly consider close, dependable and interested in many of my interests, most tend to be nerdy friends who share an interest in board games or video games etc. but often thats all they do and want to do while i desire a lot of other activities.

there are a wide range of things id love to get into if i had friends to do it with like urban exploration as an example, often these things im curious about are quite niche so maybe that contributes to the difficulty in finding friends who enjoy it.

basically id love to hear your thoughts on making close friends rather than merely acquaintances and how to make new friends while being very awkward.

j.

my mam only made close friends from grammar school and university.
i'm like Suzanne ,I can make friends with people who are much older ,younger people are a mystery to me.
when my mother was alive and could walk we were part of the ramblers club everybody was older than me I liked that, added bonus I got away from the people that lived in my street and I could see flowers and trees and sometimes animals !but you've got to be used to walking at least 10 miles over about eight hours ,so it's pretty fast .

 

[Judge]

From my own perspective, "close friends" are something left in my childhood. That as an adult while I made friends with people at work that spilled over into leisure time, those same friendships eventually evaporated with people eventually working elsewhere. Which either ended them in time or quite abruptly.

People and adulthood in general seem so transient, where employment, financial matters and family can change or make a friendship disappear. Very frustrating in the long term. But also something not to blame one's self for.

In other words making such friendships is a daunting proposition in itself, whether one perceives themselves to be awkward or not.

Sad at times to see so many kids who want to grow up so quickly. Adulthood has some real hurdles with socialization. Something not spoken of at a graduation ceremony or much of any other social occasion.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

@Jonathan Lees: with this thread, you've struck at the heart of the main ASD challenge: making and keeping friends. I think every single person on this forum can relate with your struggle to one degree or another. I'm a newlywed, and I would say that my wife and grown daughter (from my previous marriage) and my dog are my best and only friends right now "in real life." That, and the relationships I am cultivating on this forum satisfy my relational needs. I do have casual, non-work-related conversations with some of my co-workers, but we don't interact outside of work. I honestly don't think there's room in my life for other in-person friends right now, nor do I see that changing anytime soon.

If I were in your position, I might try finding meetups that have to do with your expansive areas of interest. If you went to those meetups, then you could discuss going to events with those people, instead of having the pressure of meeting folks at events. There are a ton of meetup groups within 50 miles (80 km) of Leicester. I'm sure some of those have something to do with your areas of interest that are not focused on board games or video games.

 

[Angela Tangent505]

I don't have any family except for my small children aged 7 and 10. So there is one reason why I am in need of friends desperately at the moment. The other reason is my children's father being rather like others with NPD and has not only divorced me but made sure that no one I knew from the 15 years I have lived in this city I moved to in order to marry him will be available as any sort of support system for me. I did not know until my support groups online helped me research my situation and understand that my former spouse would have been making the problems for me that I blamed myself for so on top of my natural difficulties socially. I have a situation that even NTs find challenging,,,they have told me so ,,but they also tell me I will not do well unless I can develop my own real life support system near me, especially if I want to be able to have my children with me even for a fraction of the whole time,,,I have had a few small house fires,,,stuff like that ,,that is from my perception of time and my mono focus kicking in,,when someone else is at hand ,,these things don't have such bad consequences . What in the world am I going to do? No one wants anything but sex from me, so while I have to hide from constant attention at the same time I am completely invisible and alone.