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"Special interest energy" and overload

hiraeth

hiraeth

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
My baseline energy level is almost always low. I also have consistent blunted affect. There are normally only two exceptions -- either I'm really terrified about something in a PTSD-response context, or I'm really energized as a result of some special interest. The latter sounds like a good thing, except that my system is so unaccustomed to having energy that often the instinctive response to this sudden influx of energy when engaging with, or particularly when discovering/getting reacquainted with a special interest, is "omg all this energy I don't know what to do with it ahhhhhhhh *freakout*"

I'm also afraid of burnout, so the combination of this and the above makes it such that sometimes when a new special interest appears, I am cautious and even uncertain whether or not I should engage with it at all, or just let it hang around in the background and see whether or not it goes away on its own after a while. (If it doesn't go away or keeps coming back, then I feel slightly less worried about the burnout aspect.)

Is this weird? Like, I never have energy, and I really do need to have some sources of energy, but I'm also scared of energy when it does appear. Is anyone else like this? :sweatsmile::grin:
 
I am not exactly like that, but my interests can be exhausting, especially when I place some sort of expectation on myself.

I often get a great idea for a project, get really excited about it, and start to make plans to carry it out. Before I know it my excitement has turned to worry. I can't get started because there are so many contingencies, or I do get started but am so overwhelmed by the scope that I can't focus on what is in front of me. In either case, I end up flipping out and breaking down. This is followed by complete exhaustion before anything has actually been accomplished, then depression concerning my inability to get anything done or engage in my passions.

This isn't always the case. Sometimes things run smoothly, or I manage to fight my way through the process. But this is such a pervasive problem for me that it has kept me away from both educational and creative pursuits.

I am not sure how much of that you can relate with. As I said; it's not exactly the same.
 
Datura yeah, that's probably part of it. I tend to become interested in things where a serious pursuit is often a lifelong project (such as, learning an uncommon language) and possibly without guaranteed effort-to-results ratio (ie, one time I wanted to become a researcher of the Maya civilization after doing all the casual reading I could find and realizing there was still so much left to learn) and I can't picture myself having enough energy over the long-term for a marathon type of deal, since being low-energy is the norm.

Although it is still very possible to take lifelong projects with the attitude of "one step at a time and see where it goes", and breaking it down into smaller milestones, but yeah, I tend to be too busy freaking out over not knowing how to deal with the presence of Feelings (including not knowing how to react in the present, if I'll be able to handle it if it gets stronger, whether or not it'll randomly disappear and cause a crash/burnout, etc) rather than getting started.
 
hiraeth said:
one time I wanted to become a researcher of the Maya civilization
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That would be so cool! They really did have one of the most beautiful and unusual written languages.

Back on topic though; is it only negative emotions you are concerned about, or do you also feel overwhelmed by more positive feelings?
 
Datura said:
That would be so cool! They really did have one of the most beautiful and unusual written languages.

Back on topic though; is it only negative emotions you are concerned about, or do you also feel overwhelmed by more positive feelings?
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Yessss. It's a shame that so much of that has been lost to history. :( Although yeah, I tend to be attracted to languages primarily based on their written script (so Arabic has been a consistent one, and Japanese, which I've gone the farthest in and could probably pick up again with relative ease If Energy), which probably makes the learning curve and time requirement much longer!

"Positive" feelings also make me uneasy. I watched a TED talk the other day that introduced this point which I relate to a lot -- my brain seems to only understand the absolute value distance that an experience has from "normal". Whether it's "good" or "bad", it's a deviation from what it's used to, and it doesn't know how to handle it.
 
hiraeth said:
It's a shame that so much of [the Mayan written language] has been lost to history. :(
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Damn Conquistadors!

hiraeth said:
"Positive" feelings also make me uneasy. I watched a TED talk the other day that introduced this point which I relate to a lot -- my brain seems to only understand the absolute value distance that an experience has from "normal". Whether it's "good" or "bad", it's a deviation from what it's used to, and it doesn't know how to handle it.
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That's an interesting thought. Did this lecture pertain specifically to autism?
 
Yes, I understand this. A special interest high - for example, I discover a new album I really like and get really excited, or a new band and I spend the next few hours intensely researching it - is often accompanied by a kind of shutdown or burnout low - though nothing major, I recover after a few hours rest. I think it's some kind of emotional or information overload, I'm really not sure.
 
Datura It's not autism specific. It's a reflection on success and failure and how both, as a deviation from the "norm" that one's system is used to, can feel uncomfortable. Link

What are you supposed to do with feelings anyway? Like, they're kind of just this blob that's sitting there? Does anyone ever just get really really confused about what to do with it and why it's here?

Interest is one thing. I get being interested and excited about something and that giving you energy. But somehow I can't seem to integrate the emotional component of that experience with the.... err... non-emotional one? I'm so confused.
 
hiraeth said:
Datura It's not autism specific. It's a reflection on success and failure and how both, as a deviation from the "norm" that one's system is used to, can feel uncomfortable. Link

What are you supposed to do with feelings anyway? Like, they're kind of just this blob that's sitting there? Does anyone ever just get really really confused about what to do with it and why it's here?

Interest is one thing. I get being interested and excited about something and that giving you energy. But somehow I can't seem to integrate the emotional component of that experience with the.... err... non-emotional one? I'm so confused.
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My sociology professor said that one of the common causes of suicide is sudden overwhelming success/good fortune. Winning the lottery, for instance. It is just such a shock, such a departure from the norm, that people's minds sometimes don't know how to handle it.
 
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