Son’s autistic friend’s behavior

[Tnkrbl]

Hi all. I am new here and need some advice. My children do not have ASD but we have a neighbor whose son is I guess what would be called high functioning autistic. He is 9 and my oldest son is 6 and they are friends. Well lately our neighbors son has become quite mean to my son. We understand that their son does have some behavioral challenges but he is basically bullying my child to the point that he is always making him cry and my son doesn’t want to play with him at all anymore. We are good friends with the parents and we live right next door. I need some advice on how we should broach this conversation with the parents. I just can’t explain it away to his condition anymore. It’s becoming really detrimental to my own son. We cant just keep them apart unless we lock our kids in the house. Any ideas on solutions we can bring to the table. We don’t want to just finger point and not offer any options for resolution. We care about this family very much and value our friendship but I fear that the behavioral issues are going to drive a wedge and create anger and rentmemt if we don’t bring it up and try to solve together. How can we bring this up with the parents without hurting their feelings? Thanks!

 

[Rayner]

I think the question here is the autistic person doing it on purpose? Is he intending to make your son cry and not play with him anymore?

 

[Crossbreed]

Bullying is bullying. The only difference with autistic bullies, is that their "fix" might be different. It is okay that your son avoids him while he is behaving that way. Don't start a war, but a temporary(?) separation is advisable.

As much as I love my ASD3 daughter, whenever she gets agitated (prone to bite & pinch), I give her her space.

 

[Bella Pines]

Autism isn't a factor here. There is no condition that leads to bullying and being mean. HFA comes with less empathy and a logical perspective. But this doesn't lead to bullying. When I was that age and HFA, I didn't feel sympathy for other children, but simply reasoned that being mean did not achieve anything. Saying that his behaviour is down to autism would be like excusing his behaviour due to his religion, or the colour of his skin.

Ultimately it is a case of bullying between two children. It's a shame that they live so close, it makes it very difficult to cut ties. So I think you are right to talk to the parents. However, bring up ASD or using the word bullying will only make them defensive and not achieve anything. Ultimately your end goals can either be to a) distance your son from theirs in an honest way or b) help repair the relationship between the boys or c) slowly back away and hope no one notices. If you son was older then b) would be possible, he could learn to defend himself. However, a 6 year old going up against a 9 year old who has empathy issues is not going anywhere productive, so I would suggest a). Work out a way to keep him away from the older child whilst still remaining on speaking terms with the parents.

I would try to see it from their perspective, are they going to accuse your son of being sensitive? Are they going to use ASD as an excuse? I would maybe say that the boys aren't really getting on, it's a shame, but you hope it won't effect your friendship with them.