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Son is 13 & dosn't want to be diagnosed "special"

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Undiagnosed

Well-Known Member
My 13 year old son has had several traits all of his life that has made me think something is "different" with him but I never knew what. Quite a whild back I saw a movie that had a character in it that had aspurgers and he reminded me of my son. I put it in the back of my mind for the time. We live in an extreemley rurla part of Indiana and what people see are very small town general practocioner doctors. The only diagnosis I have gotten for my son has been ADD but I always felt there was something else but had no clue what or where to go to find out. Due to school issues and other problems I have an appointment to have him evaluated with a specialist (which is two hours away due to my rural location). Knowing he has an appointment comeing up and remembering the movie character I saw, out of curiosity I started looking up aspurgers and have found it to describe my son for SURE. After that light bulb went off I became obsessed on finding out everything I can about aspurgers and am positive that my son has it and tht I have it. The problem I have now is that my son has an evalation comeing up in March and he dosn't want to go to it. In his words the opoibntment is too see if he is "special". He beleives that I am wrong or probably wants to beleive that. I am so excited to have found an answer about him (mot to mention myself) but am so not looking forward to forceing him to go to his appointmen. I am hopeing for a way to get this diagnosis and not have him end up feeling that there is something "wrong" with him. Can anyone relate.?
 
Educate him about Aspergers. After you get lots of information you might decide that getting an "official" diagnosis isn't necessary. It might be difficult to get one, even if he is. If he was diagnosed, he might be eligible for different accommodations though. It's not an easy decision. I'd educate myself and him and see what you decide together. There are books that are very helpful.
 
You don't need an official diagnosis to help him. He may, in fact, be better off without one. What will the diagnosis do for him exactly? If he is already getting help with school, then you can educate yourself and learn strategies in dealing with him. Is he depressed? If not, I wouldn't bother. My experience with docs is that they want to medicate everyone. That is not teaching him how to cope. Research local programs and therapists. Read some books on the subject. Maybe give him some to read. Let him have some say in his own well-being. Fighting him will only push him away. He may come to your way of thinking. He is still young, and if not in immediate danger then there is time for you both to learn and determine what is best.
 
He definitely needs to understand that he has ASD, and know more about it. Otherwise he may be butting heads with his limitations all his life, and this can make an aspie depressed, lonely and bitter.
But the diagnosis doesn't have to be official unless he wants help in school or, later in life, from social services.
 
Your reasoning please Divron?
The main problem I have is school. They don't understand him and why he acts the way he dose. He seems to think an office referal is a randome thing that teacheers chose a student for.... dosn't seem to be awair fo what he is doing wrong most of the time. I beleive I have aspurgers but I was not that "spacy" as he is. for example I got a large check and offered him that I would put $200 back and he would get if if he could go a certain amount of time without getting in trouble at school...... he said "Nevermind cuz I have no controle over that,,,,, you don't understand a teacher just tells you to go to the office and u don't even know u did anything" He beleives this is the case with all students. Or sometimes they take his tome to be disrespectfull. He had an incodent where he accepted a cigarette from another student at school,, he had to have know better,,, anyway didn't light it or smoke it but the fact that he accepted it at school got him a day in court in front of the judge,,,,, he stood in front of the judge slouched forward his head bent forward and his eyes looking at the ground most of the time and would give mummbled "yea" or "i don't know" in answer to a question from the judge. I gave him a talk before we went in to court concerned about how he would appear. I am always reminding him to try and speak clearley and looud enough for someone th understand him. But apparentley he hasn't gotten it yet. As I said I beleive I had aspurgers but I was much better at trying to appear "normal" as I would guess many people with it are... And he is very limited on the help he can get at school becouse when they test him and evaluate him his intelagance is not low enough for most special help. He has finaly just been placed in what they call alternitive shhool which I have been asking for for him for over a year now. It is one small class, one teacher, they do their own work at their own pace etc. But he got into that becouse of getting in trouble so much at regular school. I beeleive I would have been able to get him something like that a long time ago if he had been diagnosed with aspurgers instead of ADD. And what they will do is leave him there for a while and then put him back into regular school,,,, even if he is doning much better in alternitive school,,,,,, That's what they did with my nephew..... And I think if he is diagnosed I may be able to get him to be left in alternitive school provided that he dose much better as I am hopeing he will..............As for him being informed and educated..... I have read hours and hours of information and have told Adam what I think... he totaly denies needing any help or haveing any "special" condition.... I picked out a utube video in which a 20 had aspurgers and the boy appeared particularley "cool" I guess is the best way I can say it.... and I cholse that one becouse I thought Adam might open hismind to it it the kid didn't seem "weird" althhough the did did have some "weird" traits...... anyway he watched a few minutes and said Mom No. I don't have it.

Anyway there are some of the reasons I think a diagnosis would help.
 
You are in a tough position, Undiagnosed. Naturally you want to protect your son from harm that may come to him because of the way that he is perceived, and his from apparent inability to understand that he behaves differently. And, he is just at an age where he will soon be able to see that he is different, if he has not already begun to do so.

It sounds as though your local school system may already being doing what it can to accommodate him, even without a diagnosis, so a diagnosis may not help him there. I wonder if a diagnosis for him would bring you some peace of mind? I can certainly understand that it might, and that you clearly want to do what is in his best interest.
 
yes Bay thank you I think it would bring some peace of mind and hopefully allow him to become awair and understand himslef too. I know I had undiagnosed aspergurs all my life and now I wish I could have gone back and known it all along. Thinnk it would have been better for me that way.
 
I live in rural Indiana as well. :)

An official diagnosis definitely isn't necessary...Just the fact that you know and he knows could be enough. I understand how hard it is to find a decent doctor near a small, isolated town. You end up having to travel to find an expensive one.

I would suggest that the both of you learn as much as you can about it, maybe even do the research together. I think he would find it a relief to know that there's nothing "wrong" with him, he's just different - NOT "special."
 
He could always join this forum as there are a few other younger members & he may see that being an Aspie by no means being a loser or a person destined for failure or a 'freak'. Many of us here have university degrees & families of our own & we run the gamut from people who never completed secondary school or are still in it to working people to retirees.

Sometimes, too, some teachers can be vague about what the rules are, what the consequences are & why & which one the student broke. I've seen baffled kids sitting on the principal's bench with no real clue as to why they're there. The same happened to me a few times as a kid. Does your son know what the rules even are or what behaviours will net him what consequences in class? If he's sleepy, bored & feeling disconnected, he may be acting out some but he may also sincerely be confused about what he should be doing & when he should be doing it.
 
Undiagnosed: I wouldn't approach it as him being special. I think it might go over better like Bay said that he is at the age where he is already figuring out that he is not like the other kids, and suggest that going to this appointment might help him to understand himself better. But it in a light of something that isn't negative. You obviously love your child. You want whats best for him and while an official diagnosis isn't always necessary I think that if you can do it when they are younger it can help them when they want to go to college or work the future is important. Good luck.
 
I am in Winchester Indiana Sally. R u cosse to there? And yes his appointment is in Indy (2 hours away) and I have to wait untill March to get him in. And I am vision impaired, and a single mom and will depend on a ride to get him there.
It's good advice for him to learn about aspurgers and to mabey join this forum and things like that and once I learned about aspies and talked to him that is what I was hopeing he would be interested in doing, at lease watching some utube videos if nothing else, but No luck.... He is Just absolutley aposed to hear of any of it. And yes I understand exactley what u r saying about telling him it dosn't meen ther's something "wrong" with him it is just a way for him and for others to understand him better and mabey to get better help in school . When i tell him things like this he considers it "Mon talk" u know such as they saying goes that a mom will tell u r beautifull when no one else thinks so type of thing............and he has termed the appointment to "see if I'm special"..... so for now I have stoped talking and given it a rest for a while. Somehow I need to show him something that speaks to why this will help him like being ablt to possably have an "official" reason to ask to keep him in alternitive school instead of regular school where he dose absolutley terrable at.

The cool thing is I think he is fine with the way he is, (other than his school porlbmes of course), and I think he knows his family and feiends accpet and love him as he is. And I don't see any depression around anything like that...... So that is the good news and the part that makes me happy......... I recal a conversttion with my oldest son a while back about Adam.. something unusual he had doneI don't remember what now...... and my oldest son sayd to me .."you like the way he is don't you?" mind u this was before we had any clue why he was "different".... My response was..."Yes I do.., God made him that way for some reason , we might as well enjoy it" But anyway I think he has picked up on the fact that he is loved the way he is no matter whay.

Thank you all for your careing comments amd advoce
 
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It will always be hard to function being visually impaired. I am legally blind and often have to rely on other people to get to places. I think you're right that if you're son knows he is loved then maybe bring it to his attention that because you love him you want to provide him the best avenue of education and right now that means going to this appointment. Besides his feelings about it might change it is two months away. There is nothing really wrong with your son he just operates on a different system. As do all of us here. My mom and I am 30yr old women still says to me at times I wish I could know what was going on in your head because I don't get it. It will change him it will just help him cope better and your family cope better too. :) Good luck though.
 
Thanks Arashi.... yes I hate depending on others ,,,, mabey u do to..... I have been trained to drive with a system they call"biopic" driveing that uses a binacular type thing that straps around my head. But I only drive in farmmilliar arreas. I was six years without a drivers licence and that was the worst !! I can understand what' it's like for u.

I think I like your words ....."because you love him you want to provide him the best avenue of education and right now that means going to this appointment" Yes I like that a lot. And that is how I feel . ANd really I think once it is over and he is diagnosed and sees that that dosn't change him or the way his family and friends are toward him he iwll be fine and mabey be able to accept the benifits of understanding himslef better and haveing access to better support.

Thanks a bunch
 
I am 56 years old. When I was a child I was diagnosed with something called "perceptual disorder" which was never really clearly explained to me. Back then I don't think they liked to label kids like me as autistic or Aspergers unless we were so bad off that we had to be institutionalized. But I had a lot of the same problems and issues that spectrum kids have.

I can understand your son's not wanting to be labeled special because I have been there myself. However there is a big difference between now and then (the 1960's) in that there is a lot more awareness and support out there than what was available to me and my parents. I would say, go for the diagnosis. He may not appreciate it now but in time he may. I would go for a formal diagnosis myself except I don't have the resources to do so and I have functioned in the "normal" world as a slightly eccentric person for so long that it probably would not be in my best advantage now to be diagnosed. But if I were in my teens or 20's--absolutely would I get that diagnosis.

Just saying from someone who's been there and done that.
 
tHANKS SPINNING COMPAS. I SORTA SEE WHERE U R COMEING FROM TOO AS iI BELEIVE I HAVE ASPURGERS AND JUST LEARNED ABOUT IT. I AM 44 YEARS OLD AND I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD SOME EXPLANATION FOR WHY I FELT THT I WAS DIFFERENT. I JUST WENT ABOUT LIFE TRYING TO APPEAR NORMAL. AND APPEARING NORMAL BECAME THE MOTIVATING FACTOR IN A LOT OF MY CHOICES. I AGREE THAT HE SHOULD HAVE AN OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS.
THANKS
 
Undiagnosed said:
Your reasoning please Divron? .
Click to expand...

If he doesn't want to do it, what benefit do you think he will derive from it? He won't engage with the process , after all.

I think it's a bad idea to go after a diagnosis. One shouldn't go to prove they have Asperger's, but to find out either way.

Personally, I would think that you could get many of the benefits of a diagnosis in other ways.

Why not speak to him, support him, educate him and so on? Then, later down the line, he may choose that exploring a diagnosis could be helpful for him.
 
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