Sometimes I don't feel like a whole person

[InfinityRose]

Almost Infinity Rose, it's taken a long time. Piecing together who I actually was before school, church, friends, or society in general took years. Began by looking at the everything I liked and disliked. In a sense analyzing myself while I was in talk therapy.

Would take huge whiteboards and write on them in marker initially, things I liked to do, foods, music, feelings I had, words, sayings that appealed to me. I'd write a new one every day. And at the end of the week, look at all of them and condense the ideas into one single board. I'd look for patterns. From the single board, with the ideas, thoughts, foods, colours, sayings that appealed to me, books, music, games I liked. I'd go ahead and expand on something, why I liked it, what it meant. Did this for years, not every day, sometimes only once in awhile.

Also considered things people had told me about myself, good or bad. And whether they were true. And older sister used to call me 'bad' all the time. Yet when I looked back I realized the only time I was labelled bad, was when I wouldn't do something she wanted.

And for a long time I carried that around, thinking I wasn't a good person. If I woke up past eight o' clock on a saturday for example, I was lazy. Then I realized that it wasn't true, looking back through my past, never been arrested, done anything really illegal, had been kind even helpful to people most of my life and I'd worked really hard.

Realized there was little validity to the things people said about me, because I played a part that wasn't who I actually was. Began to look at everything in my life objectively, as if it were someone else's life. And I came to some conclusions about who I am, not influenced by other's as much as possible. I wrote a lot, thought a great deal, painted and drew, read a lot of psychology and reconsidered things. In my own time, and it's still a work in progress.

A quote from Tennyson' Ulysses

...All times I have enjoy'd
greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
that loved me, and alone,

...Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
for ever and forever when I move.

I wish you luck in that! Yeah, I also try to think about what I was like as a kid to get a starting point on figuring out who I really am. And while I think I have changed, I know there are still some qualities that I had back then and still have today.

I think one of the biggest problems I have is that I'm almost afraid to find out who I really am, because I'm afraid I won't like that person. Like, I do want to be my own person, but also be a specific type of person, if that makes any sense? I don't want to be hated or hate myself...

Maybe I'd be more confident if I already had a strong, stable friend group that I could always depend on. I've always wanted that, but unfortunately have never found it. Almost all of the friendships I've ever had have been pretty superficial, and even the people I'd have considered my closest friends have always had other friends that they were closer to than me. I do remember having some really close bonds to certain friends as a kid, but they were always for such a brief time.

 

[Streetwise]

I wish you luck in that! Yeah, I also try to think about what I was like as a kid to get a starting point on figuring out who I really am. And while I think I have changed, I know there are still some qualities that I had back then and still have today.

I think one of the biggest problems I have is that I'm almost afraid to find out who I really am, because I'm afraid I won't like that person. Like, I do want to be my own person, but also be a specific type of person, if that makes any sense? I don't want to be hated or hate myself...

Maybe I'd be more confident if I already had a strong, stable friend group that I could always depend on. I've always wanted that, but unfortunately have never found it. Almost all of the friendships I've ever had have been pretty superficial, and even the people I'd have considered my closest friends have always had other friends that they were closer to than me. I do remember having some really close bonds to certain friends as a kid, but they were always for such a brief time.

I started to feel more Whole when I didn't block off what I really felt, mines totally concerned with being a Christian and thinking I could do the parts that Yeshua ( Hebrew name for Jesus )only can change.
Like still thinking I can work my way to salvation ,mine wasn't so much the past as just not understanding what maybe some people on the autism spectrum and some neuro typicals understand easily.
And trying to stop fighting anxiety and realising when I panic most of the time it is pointless!as it is something wrong with me and I can't run away from myself .
I'm not a master craftsman at communicating thoughts ,so I will say things that come from the Bible because I just do not know how to describe them another way .
I have to be more attentive to the still small voice of God which surprisingly is exactly what it is like a very still small voice,most of the time it is concerned with anxiety and panic attacks and reminding me I am not the stupid teenager are used to be,it never says stupid it's just the way I interpret it .

 

[Tom]

We don't grow in a void so some modeling (on others) is inevitable and natural. I think age also is a factor and that most people are more unsure about identity when they are younger.

Its more complicated for us with the aspie mask(s). I think at some point a mental self exam is also normal for us. I kinda think of it as considering ones traits and disgarding the pretend and keeping the real.

Self knowledge/understanding is not easy in any case for NT or ASD. Some have called it the most difficult knowledge to attain.

 

[watersprite]

@InfinityRose, you asked if anyone had had any success in overcoming it. Sort of. For me it is a continuing, ongoing process.

As you mentioned, as a female we copy and paste various social bits in order to be safe and/or blend in sufficiently to function. One can end up feeling like those tiny little critters in streams which plaster themselves with pieces of stuff. Those pieces of stuff are all the screens I have been using, which can be dropped when I spend time by myself.

I feel like an actual 'me' when I am working out, when I am reading something I really like, when painting, when I am swimming, when sleeping.

Avoiding stressful people and situations helps me to maintain the sense of wholeness.

 

[InfinityRose]

@InfinityRose, you asked if anyone had had any success in overcoming it. Sort of. For me it is a continuing, ongoing process.

As you mentioned, as a female we copy and paste various social bits in order to be safe and/or blend in sufficiently to function. One can end up feeling like those tiny little critters in streams which plaster themselves with pieces of stuff. Those pieces of stuff are all the screens I have been using, which can be dropped when I spend time by myself.

I feel like an actual 'me' when I am working out, when I am reading something I really like, when painting, when I am swimming, when sleeping.

Avoiding stressful people and situations helps me to maintain the sense of wholeness.

Probably the time I feel most happy and like myself is when I find a new obsession (usually a fandom) or when I meet someone I really like. Unfortunately I think I'm gonna have to find a new fandom soon, because my main one at the moment is losing it's spark for me. When I don't have something in my life I'm passionate and excited about, I feel empty inside and am more likely to try to find happiness though unhealthy routes, such as trying to please others as much as possible to gain some validation. I definitely need to work on that tendency.

 

[Accelerator]

Probably the time I feel most happy and like myself is when I find a new obsession (usually a fandom) or when I meet someone I really like. Unfortunately I think I'm gonna have to find a new fandom soon, because my main one at the moment is losing it's spark for me. When I don't have something in my life I'm passionate and excited about, I feel empty inside and am more likely to try to find happiness though unhealthy routes, such as trying to please others as much as possible to gain some validation. I definitely need to work on that tendency.

Yeah, this is also pretty much me, especially with games, though "pleasing others" isn't quite a s likely, because it's often stuff that'll stimulate me. I'd try giving my own advice on that, but I'm kinda in the same predicament; no solutions besides finding that obsession quickly and giving my all to it.

 

[Ames]

Yes, yes, and yes. To be honest, I always thought that EVERYONE'S habits/tendencies/speech patterns/etc. were copied in whole or in part from others, but there were only a few of us who could see that. NT people just believe that they are whole and unique because they can't see the seams of the patchwork in their quilts.
The odd part, to me, is that people seem more certain of who I am than I do. I'm never quite sure if that is because I can't see the forest for the trees, or if they don't really know me.
That said, can you ask someone who knows you well about this? I talked to a family member who reassured me that despite my tendency to reflect back/go along with whomever I am around, I am unique and there is no mistaking my personality. It meant the world to me.

 

[InfinityRose]

Yes, yes, and yes. To be honest, I always thought that EVERYONE'S habits/tendencies/speech patterns/etc. were copied in whole or in part from others, but there were only a few of us who could see that. NT people just believe that they are whole and unique because they can't see the seams of the patchwork in their quilts.
The odd part, to me, is that people seem more certain of who I am than I do. I'm never quite sure if that is because I can't see the forest for the trees, or if they don't really know me.
That said, can you ask someone who knows you well about this? I talked to a family member who reassured me that despite my tendency to reflect back/go along with whomever I am around, I am unique and there is no mistaking my personality. It meant the world to me.

"NT people just believe that they are whole and unique because they can't see the seams of the patchwork in their quilts." For some reason I really love that quote. I agree that we tend to be more analytical on average than NT's, especially when it comes to self-reflection.

I can definitely relate to having the people I know be more certain of who I am than myself. But I always thought that's because they just see what's on the surface, and don't see my reasoning behind my actions or know my thoughts. My mother probably knows more about me than anyone else in the world, and yet she still sometimes makes wrong assumptions about my behavior or overgeneralizes. I know I'm definitely guilty of this as well. It's much easier for me to sum up other people's personalities than it is my own.

 

[Tom]

"NT people just believe that they are whole and unique because they can't see the seams of the patchwork in their quilts." For some reason I really love that quote. I agree that we tend to be more analytical on average than NT's, especially when it comes to self-reflection.

I can definitely relate to having the people I know be more certain of who I am than myself. But I always thought that's because they just see what's on the surface, and don't see my reasoning behind my actions or know my thoughts. My mother probably knows more about me than anyone else in the world, and yet she still sometimes makes wrong assumptions about my behavior or overgeneralizes. I know I'm definitely guilty of this as well. It's much easier for me to sum up other people's personalities than it is my own.

Thanks for highlighting Ames' quote. It is worth remembering.