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Social Issues at University

Realist said:
Maryanne, you insist that it is 'me,me' because I have not considered the Classmates 'feelings'. There is nothing to consider, I have been in the same class with these people for two years, they have not bothered to try to get to know me. There is never any conversation is made and any eye contact is limited, that to me signifies a complete lack of interest.

So why would I sit and think about how they feel, when they don't give me a second's thought, and actually probably don't like me?

Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing?
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I haven't read the entire thread, but the best and most straightforward way to make friends is to have a shared interest. Do you like video or board games, and is there a club for that at your university? If so, I recommend going at least a few times to see how you feel about it.

On the other hand, you will have to try harder than you might like at first. It's you who wants friends, not necessarily the other way around, and people all have different ways of communicating with each other - some might be very low key and not really seem enthusiastic in terms of your understanding of it, but they may well feel positively. It's almost impossible to know (you can ask, but that's frowned upon). Don't dismiss them as disliking you unless you're 100% sure that's the case, otherwise it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But yeah, try to find activities you'd enjoy doing anyway and then try meeting people through that.
 
Those people all had no friends at the start, why did they ignore me? In many respects that's why I have put this thread up - why are we people with Aspergers ignored socially?
 
Realist said:
MaryAnne, you insist that it is 'me, me' because I have not considered the Classmates 'feelings'. There is nothing to consider, I have been in the same class with these people for two years, conversation is rarely made and eye contact is limited, that to me signifies a complete lack of interest.

So why would I sit and think about how they feel, when they don't give me a second's thought, and actually probably don't like me?

Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing? Obviously they think I am not worth their time.
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She meant about the people who responded to you on here. As an example similar to your classmates.

Some very good replies (not mine, the other ones)
Realist said:
So why would I sit and think about how they feel, when they don't give me a second's thought, and actually probably don't like me?
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Because you want the way your life is to change,perhaps?

Let's face it - you are nothing to anyone here.

People have still thoughtfully made suggestions to you.

Too 'harsh' perhaps. But this does not undermine the good sense some of the messages contain.
Perhaps a 2nd look?

People are seeing you may be continuing a pattern on here,as in real life.

Realist said:
Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing? Obviously they think I am not worth their time
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You're a young guy,this type of thinking will pass.
Been there many years ago.

It's a hard road sometimes, there's help on here,if you're able to feel some of the pain of realisation.
 
Mary Anne said:
Please read the ENTIRE thread before judging ”harsh.”
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I did. I've been following it from the beginning. I still find one or two of the posts harsh. He has made one or two remarks about Southern England and yes, they are generalisations, but he doesn't use any insulting language or slurs, it just comes across as being an opinion (whether you agree with his opinion or not is another matter). People don't have the right to insult, but they do have the right to an opinion.
 
Realist said:
Those people all had no friends at the start, why did they ignore me? In many respects that's why I have put this thread up - why are we people with Aspergers ignored socially?
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What about the joining groups idea I mentioned? Interested at all?
 
I have already joined 4 groups. I think i'm going to cut the cord with the Autism group, it is not working and the people that I have connected with don't bother contacting me and it is an awkward relationships.

I would consider going to another group but feel awkward going to a group in my Final Year.
 
@Realist

You must be having a tough time, feeling isolated on top of the stresses of doing your course and so far from home so that you cannot just pop back there easily. Maybe you can get some counselling support to get you through your last year?

I do think that you blackened your name with the things you posted on Facebook and mud sticks but you will have learnt a lesson for the future. Good luck.
 
Realist said:
I would consider going to another group but feel awkward going to a group in my Final Year.
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There'll be first years joining won't there? You won't be the only new person.

You need to stop seeing the lack of "hello" as hatred. It's not. Different countries have different social approaches. These people do not hate you, nor are they being rude. The standard for greetings is just different.

You need to do the initiating because you are seeking friends. That's how it works I'm afraid. People do not initiate contact with new people once they're comfortable with their social situation, but they can and do make new friends. Therefore, you can still befriend people, but you can't expect them to come to you at first.

There is a difference between not considering you and disliking you. There's a lot of people everyone has acquaintances. Nobody considers them all. But do you hate these people? No, you just barely know them.

I see you're stressed, so I hope your family friend recovers and your exam(s) go(es) well. You're not anywhere near as hated as you feel. I hope my responses haven't been too harsh, I really do wish you the best.
 
Realist said:
I have already joined 4 groups. I think i'm going to cut the cord with the Autism group, it is not working and the people that I have connected with don't bother contacting me and it is an awkward relationships.

I would consider going to another group but feel awkward going to a group in my Final Year.
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Which groups are they, if you don't mind my asking? If they're not centred around an activity, it's likely to be a lot harder. I remember in my university, a lot of people joined groups in their final year and ended up making friends, so don't let that put you off.
 
Realist said:
Mary Anne, you insist that it is 'me, me' - because I have not considered the Classmates 'feelings'. I don't think there is anything to consider.

To me, if you are in the same room with a group of people for 2-3 hours a day all week, every week for two years, and can't even say 'hello', that is a poor situation that is not going to amount to anything great. In my country, people greet one another, even if we do not know each other, so the fact that these people have never spoken to me would be taken as aloof and rude here. Obviously, they think I am not worth their time.

Please tell me why I should sit and think about how they feel if I know that they don't give me a second's thought, and probably don't like me?

Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing?
Click to expand...


First of all, thank you for finally discussing this with me. I know it’s all difficult.
Several people in this entire thread already told you the “why” to your questions. The suggestions were posted more eloquently than mine. But I am so glad you are discussing this with me. It’s progress.

I realize just how homesick you are but please stop comparing your rural home environment/country to your urban university environment/country. They will never be the same. The people are not the same. The food is probably not the same. The traditional languages and dialects are certainly not the same. People in small rural places are usually more relaxed and friendly then in cities. They are more trusting, and everybody knows everyone else. Not so in huge cities.

Keep saying “Good Morning” with a smile and cheerfulness to everyone. Be pleasant - no matter what. That is the universal icebreaker “language” everyone understands. Smile. Cheerfulness and humor brightens up the most negative people sooner or later. And just maybe, you will be able to cheer your own self up. There is an American saying: “Fake it until you make it.” Oh, and reread this thread for all the greatly intelligent suggestions people here shared.
 
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@Realist

Do you recall what happened on Reddit? You were ignored.

What is happening to you at uni? You are being ignored.

Are you being ignored here?

No. You are not.

Dozens of us are taking the time to listen to you and study your every word. Thinking about your situation, remembering when we were in that situation and finding lots of different ways to explain it to you. Everyone here has experience either being autistic or dealing with autistics. Everyone here has something valuable to add and is right. You just need to LISTEN.

No one is attacking you. No one is being rude. Each of us is trying to get through to you so that you can improve your situation.

At this point my default would be to back off and let you learn the hard way (like I did), but I'm going to make an exception and try again to reach you and hope you LISTEN.


Realist said:
supposedly from people who are Autistic. ... I am a sensitive person and would prefer advice that is more gentle.
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Look carefully at what you said. You have a wonderfully detailed picture of the world in your head. I know this because I do too. In your world, we behave a certain way, we give you advice in a certain way and tell you what you want to hear. But that's not how the real world works. I am telling you that the advice here is exactly what you need, but because the way we communicate is contrary to how you either want us to communicate, or how you think we should communicate, you choose to take offense, you call it rude.

This is how many of us drew the narcissist conclusion. Narcissists think the world revolves around them, they draw pictures of how people should behave. You are under the impression that people should approach you, should give you gentle advice. When the people disappoint you, you simply look for a new group of people. You didn't like how the people at uni behaved so you came looking for groups on the internet. But then they didn't behave the way you wanted them to behave either. You'll probably want to leave and continue your search, but it will be fruitless. So I would strongly suggest you stay and try to understand what is being said here and LISTEN.

Realist said:
Please tell me why I should sit and think about how they feel if I know that they don't give me a second's thought, and probably don't like me? Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing?
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Because "they" are the rest of the world. "They" are the people you live with, "they" are the people you will work with and "they" are the people you will date and maybe one day marry. You will have glossed over it because you ignore facts that make you uncomfortable, but several times the point was made that this isn't just a uni thing. You will find yourself in this situation again and again. This will happen at work. This is something you need to eventually face. If not now then at some point down the line. But the sooner you work through this problem, the easier and happier your life will be.

We all have lives, but we are all taking the time to try to help you and make your life easier and happier, but we can't help you unless you really LISTEN. And not listen as you normally do, scanning text for bits that you either want to hear or want to argue with. But really LISTEN, to each part, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

So you don't need to defend yourself or justify yourself.

You don't need to lash out.

You need to ask questions and TRY TO UNDERSTAND what has been said. If you have a question about someone elses post, ask and I can explain it.

Does any of this make sense?
 
Yes, it's the duty of the Asperger to improve self-awareness in social situations and develop perspective-taking, but I also think that after a certain point the social-political deficits have to be worked around rather than fixed. When that limit is reached, it can be helpful to become philosophical and even spiritual about the AS plight on this planet. This includes understanding the psychology of the individual and the group. Below are some threads that 'philosophise' the AS position, and suggest alternatives to conventional face-to-face friends - such as animals, nature, online communities, books and authors.
How do you handle humiliations?
Completely absurd questions that NTs tend to ask
Higher empathy for animals?
Btw, I wish there'd be more emphasis in the literature on NTs striving to understand the AS perspective. As things stand now, they seem very one-sided.
 
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aspies have to ENDURE MORE and WORK WAY MUCH HARDER at EVERYTHING in society. We have to learn nuances in the way NT people communicate, and the subtleties of expressions, and tone, and how we come off. I am nearly 62 and am STILL learning!

I think Realist is stuck in his own head and continues to run away from challenges, rather then LISTEN and TRY some of our suggestions. He is young and stubborn. If he keeps this up, he will never be able to interact with the world of cultural diversity, or anyone outside of his hometown bubble of safety and security. This is not how to live maturely and wisely in the world.

I do not understand why the multitudes of suggestions in this thread are not realistic options to Realist. He says this forum “Is not working,“ but does not explain why he will not do anything productive to help himself. It’s just easier to keep complaining, and running away from his problems. These are common problems which all people encounter in their lives. Best to LEARN at a young age how to deal with them. We all have had the VERY same problems as he has, and he will not accept that we all KNOW WHAT HE IS GOING THROUGH. If he does not start learning more positive and productive patterns, he will be stuck with this negativity for the rest of his life.
 
Realist said:
Those people all had no friends at the start, why did they ignore me? In many respects that's why I have put this thread up - why are we people with Aspergers ignored socially?
Click to expand...

Not all people with Aspergers are ignored socially. They LEARNED to work HARDER to REACH OUT to others. No one in society is going to reach out to you or me. No one in society owes me (or you) ANYTHING. I had to LEARN how to do it. I made MANY mistakes, and felt a great long time of loneliness, and anguish- just as you are now. I only wish I had had all these excellant forum suggestions and these great people like Bella Pines to help ME when I was a young adult. I truly struggled.

Your worst problems are not the ones at university, or with SE people. Your worst problems are that you ignore productive suggestions. Your worst problem is FEAR. Fear of “unkindness,” fear of people, and fear of change. This is going to greatly impact your adult life, wherever you go, whatever you do, and wherever you live, work, marry, etc.
 
Realist said:
...Think about it, WHY would I RUN after them if they are not interested in me? What is so special about them, that they are worth pursuing?
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Ask the same question about yourself and you've got your answer. "Fake it till you make it" as the saying goes, that's a good start. You might learn something new and useful, who knows? This problem goes well beyond culture, much deeper than that so you should probably ditch that line of thinking ASAP.

I really wish I'd gotten this advice sooner in my youth, as this thread is proving useful for anyone looking to build up their social skills IMO. Only now, 3 decades into life and still ticking, am I starting to slowly realize the harsh facts of life.

You, on the other hand, are in a great position right now! A university student pursuing an education which (hopefully) will lead to bigger and better things in your future. I seriously wish we could swap places, or that I could turn back the hands of time here. Me? Barely survived public education with a HS diploma not knowing what the hell I was doing wrong, what I needed to do, living in fear and dealing with what seemed like complete chaos. Some of it was my fault and could've been worked on, sure, and some of it was out of my control and not my fault...I'm fortunate to be where I'm at right now, but there's still room left for improvement, right? Perhaps you should do as your name suggests and become a realist instead.
 
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I think, as a nutrition science university student, Realist might be familiar with the concept of scientific experiments, right? Why not try experimenting with the multitude of suggestions posted here? Keep a journal and document your progress with each suggestion. I garantee that Realist will see positive results - perhaps more with some and possibly less with others. It’s science! Experiment!
 
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