Social functions feels like going on an interview

[Suzanne]

I have allowed myself to be persuaded to meet another couple a good two hours away from where we live, to spend a few hours with. I get on ok, for once with the female; possibly because she accepts me for who I am and their son has major difficulties, having been born with contineous tumors in his brain. ( I could go off on a tangent there, but it is not the point of the thread, so stop it now lol). Anyway, he is doing great, since he has started on natural medicine.

But I got to think about it and it occurred to me that I might as well being going to see someone about a possible job; exact same nerves going on.

I HATE social functions and wish I could retract, but I do recognise that since it is on a saturday, I would feel even more lonely, so will push myself.

 

[Molly]

I know exactly what you mean and you have my sympathy. Like you, I also treat every social gathering as an interview, I hate them with a passion.

(I am so glad to hear their son is doing well - my Niece also has a brain tumour and is also thriving, not sure of her diet though).

Only last week I 'chickened out' of a huge family garden party as the anxiety was nearly destroying me and was preventing a good night's sleep - not that I sleep well anyway. Thankfully, my family understand, but I so wish I could just go and have a ball.

I very rarely go to social functions and when I do, I spend most of my time in the ladies room trying to stop the panic attacks.

Yes, go, as you'll regret not, and I bet you'll be glad you did, once you are back to the sanctuary of your home.

Good luck I am sure you can do it.

 

[Streetwise]

remember suzanne you've survived vile child abuse :-(
so you must be very strong
i just DONT SOCIALISE apart from standing mainly sitting! always breathless !outside- if i see the two people who DONT really dislike me

 

[Suzanne]

I know exactly what you mean and you have my sympathy. Like you, I also treat every social gathering as an interview, I hate them with a passion.

(I am so glad to hear their son is doing well - my Niece also has a brain tumour and is also thriving, not sure of her diet though).

Only last week I 'chickened out' of a huge family garden party as the anxiety was nearly destroying me and was preventing a good night's sleep - not that I sleep well anyway. Thankfully, my family understand, but I so wish I could just go and have a ball.

I very rarely go to social functions and when I do, I spend most of my time in the ladies room trying to stop the panic attacks.

Yes, go, as you'll regret not, and I bet you'll be glad you did, once you are back to the sanctuary of your home.

Good luck I am sure you can do it.

I have suffered a years of going to social functions, as I had this notion that this is the thing one must do and felt embarrassed not going, but I can count one hand and it doesn't include all the fingers, just how many I have actually succeeded in having a reasonable time.

I made a vow (to myself) that it has to stop! I will not put myself through that nightmare anymore.

This is a bit different, because I know that the lady likes me; it is just the stupid anxiety is causing me mental pain with: where? What are we going to do? What should I wear? I just want to stay home, but alas I know well that it is beneficial and so, off I go, with a very happy hubby ( he kept pestering me).

 

[Suzanne]

remember suzanne you've survived vile child abuse :-(
so you must be very strong
i just DONT SOCIALISE apart from standing mainly sitting! always breathless !outside- if i see the two people who DONT really dislike me

It is weird, but I feel that even online, my posts are invisable and so, it always surprises me when I read things like you have just posted about my childhood, which shows you know a little about me and it is rather heartwarming, I must say

I am told that I am strong; wish I believed it myself.

Oh boy, if I know someone doesn't like me, the room can be filled with people, but I ONLY see the person who does not like me. Thankfully in this situation saturday, it is not like that.

I guess it is not really socialising in the sense of sitting around etc, but it still panicks me.

 

[Molly]

Well done Suzanne for making that vow, that's an important step. I made that vow about a year ago (to stop putting myself through the stress of social gatherings) and feel so much stronger for it, it's taking back control in my life to some degree.

That's an important point, that the lady likes you, that makes a huge difference to us, I know that from personal experience. My family know and love me, but sometimes, that's just not enough to combat our social anxieties, sadly.

Oh yes, I empathise with your anxieties, what will I wear etc, it's a nightmare alright. It's so blooming difficult deciding what to wear isn't it. Even something so simple as choice of clothes can send our minds spinning into a panic.

lol we cannot stay at home all the time, as much as we wish too. Sounds like you have the extra intensive - or pressure, of pleasing your husband. Ha, have a good time with a happy husband, and try not to think about it too much, Easier said than done I know - how to turn off our minds ....

You already know it will be beneficial to you - and others - and that you'll feel like you have achieved something at the end of it.

Well done!

 

[Streetwise]

the one thing i was given from c.b.t was 'you DONT have to worry she actually added so much
it felt like someone ever so gently gave me the ability breathe to be calm!!!!!!!! for a second
i still feel better when i remember it but not like the first time
i was amazing to receive therapy that was tailored to me

 

[Alaska]

I have allowed myself to be persuaded to meet another couple a good two hours away from where we live, to spend a few hours with. I get on ok, for once with the female; possibly because she accepts me for who I am and their son has major difficulties, having been born with contineous tumors in his brain. ( I could go off on a tangent there, but it is not the point of the thread, so stop it now lol). Anyway, he is doing great, since he has started on natural medicine.

But I got to think about it and it occurred to me that I might as well being going to see someone about a possible job; exact same nerves going on.

I HATE social functions and wish I could retract, but I do recognise that since it is on a saturday, I would feel even more lonely, so will push myself.

I am very glad that you are making an effort to make new friends and please your husband.

We Aspies can learn better skills for socializing when we work at it and are determined about it.

 

[Suzanne]

taking back control in my life

Really interesting that you should say that, because one of the VERY few friends I seem to have cultivated, said pretty much the same sentance to me, when I said that it is surprising that I do not feel sad sitting in this car, waiting for my husband and knowing all the activity that is going on inside the building and she came back with: because you have taken back control of your emotions.

So, it shows that you do not have to cope in the situation that makes you feel dreadful; just saying: I don't need to do this, is enough.

Also, a chap I know surprised me when he said he knows how I feel, regarding social anxiety, because he gets it from time to time and one of the most important steps he took that helped was to say: I can leave if I feel overwhelmed. It is NOT a weakness to admit one cannot cope; it is actually a strength.

 

[Molly]

Also, a chap I know surprised me when he said he knows how I feel, regarding social anxiety, because he gets it from time to time and one of the most important steps he took that helped was to say: I can leave if I feel overwhelmed. It is NOT a weakness to admit one cannot cope; it is actually a strength.

I feel personally, that it's lack of control over life, for example, how others behave, react to me, treat me, perceive me that causes so much anxiety and to get back even a tiny bit of control is a victory.

It's good that you have such perceptive friends; the few friends I have know me, accept me and understand the control thing too..

That has become my motto in life now, saying that I can leave it or opt out of stressful situations if i choose. That it's my choice and not to feel bad about it - but it has taken many years to get to this stage.

And yes, how refreshing that he said it's not a weakness, because he's right, it does indeed take strength to stand our ground, set some boundaries and know our limitations.

 

[Pondering]

I'm not going to lie - I've been to a lot of interviews. And I also get the same feeling in an interview as I do in many conversations. The nerves in conversation can be more or less equal to the levels of the nerves in the face of a legitamate threat. So, you have my condolences. I know it's not easy. Though I don't have social anxiety per se, I will share one thing I noticed, if it's of any use: 1) trying to act and dress as formally as humanly possible didn't get me hired, 2) speaking according to objective proved to be a more successful approach than getting getting too focused and worked up on the absolute perfect words, 3) telling myself beforehand that I wasn't going to get the job was not going to get me the job, 4) I didn't do so well with interviewing at places not well-suited to my natural strengths, 5) you can bring almost any experience to your advantage whether or not you are comfortable talking to people. Similarly, in typical conversations, there are many questions that can be expected and that you can prepare for. The only difference is that there is really no right or wrong answer. The worst thing that can happen is they deny you friendship, in which case, it is a learning experience and they're not the right friend for you. There's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to appear perfect to be worth talking to; be yourself. Although being kind and polite is important you won't get along with 100% of the people you meet just like how an employer is making a good decision by not hiring a person he/she knows they will not work well with. When talking to people, you don't have to get tripped up on your words. They're not there to hurt you. Not even employers want to interrogate. It's an equal opportunity for both/all people included in the conversation to contribute something to the conversation. Also, you don't have to talk to people who bring out your weaknesses; the only ones who are worth talking to are the ones who can strengthen your weaknesses and work with your strengths, and the people who want you to do the same for them. Even if it's a brief and minimal interaction, there is an equal give and take. When they want to get to know you, focus on what makes you interesting. Chances are, you know things they don't and they know things you don't, so you have no reason to believe you won't be interesting. If you know what someone may ask, be ready for it.

After I lost count of how many interviews I'd been to, every interview felt like a regular chat. Pleasant, even. By then, I'd made a lot of interview mistakes but learned from them. How much more so can a typical conversation be a pleasant thing with the right mindset and some confidence.?