so very tired

[Tyonee]

My grandaughte is An aspie. She struggles daily with what she feels like is a cruel world. But what she does sometimes I just cant deal with. Sometimes she does the aspie on purpose act whether it gives her a sense of power or shes lashing out..iits hard to tell the difference of when shes being real or doing it on purpose. Last night she played me. I got upset and worried because I thought she was having a hard time. Turns out she made the whole thing up. Im furious. Im just about the only person she trusts and I cant believe she pulled that on me.
I put so much patience and effort in trying to help her adapt. But right now im so angry. When I figured out what she was doing I called her out on it. And typical of her aspie - she fakes crying and pretends to be upset and tells her mom I was mean to her.. she did the victim act and her mom bought it hook line and sinker.
im so angry I can hardly see straight.
why do aspies do the very thing on purpose that causes them to suffer!!

 

[Suzanne]

How do you know she is being difficult on purpose?

I am married to an nt and I tell you, he also thinks I am going to use my being an aspie, to get away with things and he couldn't be further from the truth! If anything we should learn to understand each other, but it usually is me having to understand him.

I feel you are being very judgemental with her. You do sound so much like my husband who believes that sometimes I do things on purpose and he will even say: oh go on, why not take that literally eh? What actually happens is I did take it literally what he said, but lol because of that, I was able to see he didn't mean it like that.

Your grand daughter could be acting up because you are showing you lack understanding with her. Helping her adapt should not be bullying her to adapt, but gently. She can only do so many things.

 

[Tyonee]

Ive been dealing with her condition for 9 years. Ive learned everything I can about it. Even moreso than her parents. We work together over her. I can deal with everything and can talk To her in a way she understands. Im the one she goes to when shes having a crisis..and thats often.
she plays up her aspie to her parents and they have a hard time figuring out if shes being real or putting them on.
shes never done that to me. Last night she made up a crisis and I was so worried that I got ahold of her mom. Her reply was what crisis? Shes been happy and watching a movie all night. All the while she was texting me disturbing things.
I told her on no certain terms would I tolerate that behavior. When she figured out I knew what she was doing she went into victim mode.
ive also seen other adult aspies brag about doing this kind of thing on this messsge board.
I dont know know how to address this when she does it. Yes I got angry. And I know that was the wrong thing to do. Im only human and I felt betrayed. Ive invested so much in this child and ive helped her thru alot of things..

 

[Wireless]

Your anger at your granddaughter's behavior is understandable.
However, I take issue with your generalization of aspies. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but obviously not all aspies behave like your granddaughter or those adults bragging on the message board.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

If all individuals on the autism spectrum behaved in the way you are assuming, you would have received zero civil responses to any posts you have made thus far. I get that you are frustrated, but you are also referring to people from whom you are seeking support and assistance.
It doesn't feel very good when people say stuff like that about me.
Please consider this.

 

[Tia Maria]

Tyonee, You don't state your granddaughter's age, but bad or dysfunctional behavior is not acceptable for any person regardless of whether they're on the autistic spectrum or not.

Of course there are differences between a person who is aspie versus someone who is not on the spectrum. The aspie will have some special needs & requirements that their loved ones should accommodate in order to help them achieve their full potential, and lead a peaceful & happy life. However, being autistic - especially high functioning - is NOT be a free pass or excuse for taking advantage of or mistreating others.

I surmise that your granddaughter's behavior reflects immaturity, as opposed to being a general trait of Aspergers which it's not. Children often use crying to manipulate their parents & others, & immature teens/young adults will do the same if they have learned through poor parenting that it will succeed. I'm not sure what forum you saw "adult aspies brag" about using their Aspergers to manipulate, but those would be immature adults, & not reflective of the kind of person you desire your granddaughter to grow & mature into. As an aside, I personally don't see the benefit of following such a forum (or group of people) in your search of further knowledge & understanding of ASD.

I understand & empathize with your feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment & hurt. Your reaction may also reflect a cumulative build up of emotions. You're in an especially difficult position because although you obviously love your granddaughter a great deal, are very devoted to her, & are an important presence in her life; you do not hold the "in charge" parental role.

Who knows about the overall family dynamics? I would think her mom should have provided non-judgmental emotional support & love to her daughter, but then circled back to you to find out what happened. You state that you 'work together over her' so IMO her mom should have also been emotionally supportive to you, AND discussed with you what (if anything) needed to be addressed with your granddaughter. It is possible (or not) that her mom is slightly jealous of your closeness & valued the opportunity to be the "one" to whom your granddaughter turned. Possibly mom is a pushover for tears. Maybe the reaction was simply an outlier - we're all only human, & her parents are probably equally drained & exhausted. But in any case, you cannot control how her parents react or handle things. You can only try to positively influence your Granddaughter's development & behavior, & provide the best role model you can be for her.

I think you were absolutely right to inform your granddaughter what is acceptable, & that you will not tolerate bad behavior (including lying & fabrications). If you actually yelled at her or reacted angrily, (if it were me) I would apologize to her specifically for that, & explain why you were so upset. I would also explain your feelings to her so that she can know WHY what she did was not a good thing. Do it when you are calm, & be careful to not come across as critical or judgmental. Try to instead discuss it in a very loving & caring way so that she is reminded of your love for her, & learns that this is how mature adults behave & communicate (i.e.; openly & honestly).

As an entirely separate thought; is it possible that your granddaughter was seemingly happily watching a movie but internally was upset so was texting you about her distress (to vent or receive attention from you) which unintentionally backfired when you contacted her mom out of legitimate concern? But then your granddaughter did not want to share her real feelings with mom so replied, 'what crisis?' ... & ended up genuinely upset & crying (versus crying to manipulate) when you (her beloved & normally compassionate grandmother) got angry/upset? By the way, this is NOT to blame you for what transpired or for getting angry. (We all have our breaking point!) Just wondering if this could be what occurred instead of your granddaughter just creating drama or inventing a crisis for attention.

Either way, I would talk over this incident with your granddaughter when you are both calm, & also ask her to try to explain why she thinks she might have done what she did (i.e.; texting about a crisis when she later claimed there was none). I personally would let drop & not follow up with her about her crying to mom that you were "mean". If she is resistant or starts to get upset or anxious, I would not insist or push, but would instead ask her to please come to you when she is ready because you want the two of you to understand each other better, & also to repair your relationship after what was an upsetting interaction for you both. Also, ask if she would prefer to instant message or email this 'conversation' if that is easier for her than a verbal discussion.

Good luck with things with your granddaughter. I think she is lucky to have an extended family who care as much as you do.

Here are some articles you may want to read if you haven't already.

Temple Grandin On The Secret To Success For Kids With Autism

Autism advocate Temple Grandin: 'Old-fashioned '50s parenting' can help kids | MLive.com

My Aspergers Child: The Damage Done: Over-Indulging the Aspergers Child

PS - It can be very cathartic to vent, but since the majority of AC members are on the spectrum I think they can better relate to seeing things from your granddaughter's perspective. That is great for gaining insight, but a parenting forum for adult family members of autistics might be a better place for you to receive the support, compassion, & understanding you also need (& deserve).

 

[pax]

My grandaughte is An aspie. She struggles daily with what she feels like is a cruel world. But what she does sometimes I just cant deal with. Sometimes she does the aspie on purpose act whether it gives her a sense of power or shes lashing out..iits hard to tell the difference of when shes being real or doing it on purpose. Last night she played me. I got upset and worried because I thought she was having a hard time. Turns out she made the whole thing up. Im furious. Im just about the only person she trusts and I cant believe she pulled that on me.
I put so much patience and effort in trying to help her adapt. But right now im so angry. When I figured out what she was doing I called her out on it. And typical of her aspie - she fakes crying and pretends to be upset and tells her mom I was mean to her.. she did the victim act and her mom bought it hook line and sinker.
im so angry I can hardly see straight.
why do aspies do the very thing on purpose that causes them to suffer!!

They see all the NTs around them doing it and they see it has benefits???

 

[Tia Maria]

Tyonee, I just read your other discussion on the same topic, & see that your granddaughter is only 9 years old. (I wasn't sure if the reference in this discussion to dealing with this for '9 years' meant she was diagnosed nine years ago or what.) I actually assumed she was a teen or young adult. I also didn't realize that you & your daughter are also slightly on the spectrum. I still think my original comments above are relevant, & I would still recommend apologizing (if you yelled or reacted in anger) & having a discussion with her. IMO, as the adult, you want to always model appropriate & healthy emotions & behavior.

BUT the fact that she is a child makes a big difference as to expectations. She is still learning, developing, growing, maturing. That is not to say that how she behaves at all times is appropriate or okay, or that she should get a 'free pass' for being autistic, or that it all doesn't wear you out. Your feelings are justified & understandable. But I would consider her behavior very immature versus necessarily Machiavellian or malicious. If she were my family member I would use what happened as a 'teachable moment' to help her learn how to express her feelings appropriately & maturely.

I also think some of the input & suggestions you received in your other discussion thread were EXCELLENT.

Btw, there is a wonderful parenting book for children ages 0-12 titled, "1, 2, 3 Magic". It is geared for raising NT children but I think much of it is very adaptable to Aspie kids as well. All kids need to learn appropriate boundaries & behavior, & learning to self discipline (& self comfort) are necessary life skills.

http://www.123magic.com

Hopefully she is also receiving some specialized assistance or therapy, & I would personally be very concerned if she is being bullied at school (versus feeling left out or isolated which would be a separate but important issue).

I also hope you are feeling better.

 

[Tia Maria]

They see all the NTs around them doing it and they see it has benefits???

The "benefits" are short term, not translatable into a happy & productive life. Just because other kids may be acting manipulatively or behaving badly doesn't mean it's okay (or good!) to emulate it. Any NT kid who doesn't develop personal maturity will eventually suffer their own consequences. I always follow the credo (& also tell the kids in my family) 'don't worry about what someone else is doing, just worry about yourself'.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My grandaughte is An aspie. She struggles daily with what she feels like is a cruel world. But what she does sometimes I just cant deal with. Sometimes she does the aspie on purpose act whether it gives her a sense of power or shes lashing out..iits hard to tell the difference of when shes being real or doing it on purpose. Last night she played me. I got upset and worried because I thought she was having a hard time. Turns out she made the whole thing up. Im furious. Im just about the only person she trusts and I cant believe she pulled that on me.
I put so much patience and effort in trying to help her adapt. But right now im so angry. When I figured out what she was doing I called her out on it. And typical of her aspie - she fakes crying and pretends to be upset and tells her mom I was mean to her.. she did the victim act and her mom bought it hook line and sinker.
im so angry I can hardly see straight.
why do aspies do the very thing on purpose that causes them to suffer!!

I don't know, why do people keep dismissing a person based on labels such as "teenager", "female", and "Aspie" rather than dealing with them as a person instead of a misguided stereotype? Either she's just a brat or she's got something else going on that's triggering these outbursts. If she's pulling stunts for the feelings of power, she's either a megalomaniac or something is making her insecure to the point she's trying to restore balance to her life by acting out. All of that needs to be dealt with instead of just blowing her off as "just being an Aspie". We are people with feelings you know, not mindless or malfunctioning machines, and we're certainly not carbon copies of each other. I never pulled a stunt like that and I don't appreciate you implying that I ever did just because of my neurology.

 

[pax]

The "benefits" are short term, not translatable into a happy & productive life. Just because other kids may be acting manipulatively or behaving badly doesn't mean it's okay (or good!) to emulate it. Any NT kid who doesn't develop personal maturity will eventually suffer their own consequences. I always follow the credo (& also tell the kids in my family) 'don't worry about what someone else is doing, just worry about yourself'.

That's neither here nor there.
The question was, in reference to her 9 year old grand daughter's behaviour:

why do aspies do the very thing on purpose that causes them to suffer!!

Which , is a weird question on several levels, but more on that later.

She's a child, and she's copying the behaviour of others because she sees it has benefits to her; for whatever reason and for how ever long. So where is she seeing this behaviour modelled what rewards is she seeing bestowed? That will probably give a better answer.

As to the question asked:

There is an assumption that she is doing it purposefully and maliciously.
There is an assumption that she is doing it because she is an aspie.
There is an assumption that all aspies act the same, in purposefully doing things to cause them to suffer.
There is the implication that any suffering is their own fault.
There is an assumption that by coming on an aspie message board and making unfair generalisations about aspies, they will not be upset and help a person out.

One doesn't have to look far to see "adult" NT people who do things that are not good for them or those around them:
from drinking to excess, taking drugs, gambling their money or buying expensive adult "toys " while their kids starve, assault , murder, racism, sexism, ......