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So Confrontation didn't go as well as planned

Jane Smith

Jane Smith

Well-Known Member
I decided to make a new thread about this since it's sort of off topic from my last thread.

So, last Saturday I confronted an Aspie in my life over boundaries. The confrontation went well, as far as I know. He seemed perfectly fine afterwards, and was even sad to see me go.

Here is the thread where I talk about it: How do you confront an Aspie?

But, lately he hasn't been responding to any of my e-mails. This has been going on for a few weeks. At first I thought it was forgetfulness. But, I sent him an e-mail two days ago that needed an urgent response.

He didn't respond. Which is very strange for him.

He also hasn't been responding to my texts or messages on social media. Not because he hasn't been on--he has. He just isn't responding. I am not sure why.

Again, he seemed perfectly fine with me in person. So, I guess I am confused. A part of me feels like he had a shut down, but had a shut down at home. But that's just a guess.

I am going to give him a week and then try again. Hopefully he responds then, but I don't know.
 
Think that you need to consider behavior on this one. Not what has been said, often, we respond to personal situations in the acceptable social way that we have been taught. Our behavior and actions are very often the real truth of the matter. Even if we don't talk about them.
 
I can't speak for your friend, but I have learned from a lot of experience in these types of situations to avoid conflict if at all possible. This often means that I try reacting to it by appearing to be as cool and friendly (or neutral) as possible. Sometimes this doesn't work because my facial expressions (or red color!) give me away. I have learned that if the other person sees a negative reaction from me, then I can't end the confrontation. The other person will try to keep my attention until they can finish making their point.

If I manage to pull it off (behaving coolly during a confrontation) and get away, then I will avoid that person like the plague for a long time, sometimes forever.
 
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Beguiling Orbit said:
I can't speak for your friend, but I have learned from lot of experience in these types of situations to avoid conflict if at all possible. This often means that I try reacting to it by appearing to be as cool and friendly (or neutral) as possible. Sometimes this doesn't work because my facial expressions (or red color!) give me away. I have learned that if the other person sees a negative reaction from me, then I can't end the confrontation. The other person will try to keep my attention until they can finish making their point.

If I manage to pull it off (behaving coolly during a confrontation) and get away, then I will avoid that person like the plague for a long time, sometimes forever.
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Don't you end up missing out on potentially good relationships because someone talked with you about something that was bothering them? I've been thinking about this while going through the forum. I understand not ever wanting conflict but it seems like just naturally something like that will occur, particularly in a professional setting?
 
Mia said:
Think that you need to consider behavior on this one. Not what has been said, often, we respond to personal situations in the acceptable social way that we have been taught. Our behavior and actions are very often the real truth of the matter. Even if we don't talk about them.
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What do you mean by behavior? Because his behavior is kind of confusing. In person, his behavior is very positive, and it really does seem like he is fine with me/likes me. But then he hasn't been responding to e-mails. So I don't know what that means.


Beguiling Orbit said:
I can't speak for your friend, but I have learned from lot of experience in these types of situations to avoid conflict if at all possible. This often means that I try reacting to it by appearing to be as cool and friendly (or neutral) as possible. Sometimes this doesn't work because my facial expressions (or red color!) give me away. I have learned that if the other person sees a negative reaction from me, then I can't end the confrontation. The other person will try to keep my attention until they can finish making their point.

If I manage to pull it off (behaving coolly during a confrontation) and get away, then I will avoid that person like the plague for a long time, sometimes forever.
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This is very true! I guess the reason why I didn't think anything was wrong was because Jim shows all of his emotions on his face. And fridge has a point. It was more of a talk than a confrontation. Though, I guess he could have seen it like one, though.https://www.autismforums.com/members/fridgemagnetman.16778/
 
Hdphn33 said:
Choice of language. did you say something that could be interpreted as buzz off? lol
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At the end of the meeting I asked him if it would be okay with me seeing him every 2 weeks. He said yes. So, I definitely didn't give him the impression I didn't want to see him anymore!
 
Dorkasour said:
Don't you end up missing out on potentially good relationships because someone talked with you about something that was bothering them? I've been thinking about this while going through the forum. I understand not ever wanting conflict but it seems like just naturally something like that will occur, particularly in a professional setting?
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No doubt I do miss out, but honestly, I just can't maintain more than a handful of relationships at a time over the long term. I did a survey a while back on this forum and found that I'm not alone in that regard. I'm much less likely to avoid people at work (even after conflict) because my job depends on maintaining professional relationships. Since doing that burns up so much of my mental energy, my personal life has to act as my relief valve. If I had to maintain a bunch of professional and personal relationships all at once, I would have much more frequent meltdowns and probably get fired. An Aspie blogger once wrote that the minimum requirement for an Aspie to succeed in life is having a life partner and a job. I have both AND I have my daughter, my family, a few good friends at work and the good folks on this forum. I consider myself to be rich in relationships for an Aspie.
 
Now that i think about it...
Your initial post on this topic was 6 days after the Florida shooting. Where they initially said the guy had autism. (Later that comment was changed but that doesn't matter as people tend to remember the first and last thing especially in sensational content. It gets carried on then turns into a debate.)
This uneasy feeling you started having towards your aspie friend... did it start after you heard or seen stories about the school shooting? You may not be consciously aware of the impact which explains that gut feeling.
 
Hdphn33 said:
Now that i think about it...
Your initial post on this topic was 6 days after the Florida shooting. Where they initially said the guy had autism. (Later that comment was changed but that doesn't matter as people tend to remember the first and last thing especially in sensational content. It gets carried on then turns into a debate.)
This uneasy feeling you started having towards your aspie friend... did it start after you heard or seen stories about the school shooting? You may not be consciously aware of the impact which explains that gut feeling you started feeling, out of nowhere.
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What? No! xD

My uneasy feeling had nothing to deal with aspie stereotypes.
 
I am so confused. I used Jane's post as motivation to talk with my Aspie teacher. Now it appears from this thread that was the wrong thing to do? I wouldn't have talked with my teacher if it meant him possibly never wanting to talk to me again?
 
Did he say wanted to see you every two weeks or that he was okay with seeing you every two weeks?


Jane Smith said:
At the end of the meeting I asked him if it would be okay with me seeing him every 2 weeks. He said yes. So, I definitely didn't give him the impression I didn't want to see him anymore!
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Rayner said:
Did he say wanted to see you every two weeks or that he was okay with seeing you every two weeks?
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I said he wanted to see me every 2 weeks. Jim is also kind of blunt. So, if he didn't want to see me, he would have just told me.
 
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Mia said:
It means he's distancing himself from you. His behavior is positive when he's around you as that's the socially acceptable way.
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Hmmmmm. This feels like a very strange assumption. Jim and I have been friends for over a year. We're actually quite close. So, if he honestly didn't like me, then he'd be the best damn actor in the world that I've ever seen.

Especially since he's kind of blunt. So, he would have told me he didn't like me.

He doesn't do the whole pretending to be friends thing.
 
I'm probably so wrong... But I am super literal and logical...

You had the meeting. You agreed on 2 weeks... SO 2 weeks it will be...

Especially if he felt dissed or confused... (I'm just using what I know of myself, I also know we are all different), but I will try and handle myself like an NT as much as possible in an in person situation, and if I leave there confused, or upset I will avoid any contact as long as I can, because there was something I didnt understand, or agree with...

I'm just saying 2 weeks (if it was me) and we would talk (because that is what you said) and most likely no comm in between, because thats not 2 weeks... This is me and my ASD, but others may take it very different. Good luck to both of you : )
 
Without being a a-hole. I'm telling you there is a difference between being kind of blunt and not wanting to hurt your feelings.

Jane Smith said:
I said he wanted to see me every 2 weeks. Jim is also kind of blunt. So, if he didn't want to see me, he would have just told me.
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