Smiling/Laughing at the 'Wrong Time'/Inappropriate Facial Expression

[Gummi27]

Something I enjoy about talking to people who are straight forward is not having to read between the lines. Especially when I've had little sleep or know I have something stressful coming up, like an appointment, or a car ride. Being able to focus on what they're saying and to just take it in as the information it is? Perfect. They aren't expecting me to react a certain way. I can just listen.

Though, a lot of times I will get stressed out when people seem to expect a certain kind of reaction from me. Expecting me to say something back. If I'm having a stressful day it can be even harder to detect their mood. And well, my default language is jokes. I try to find something about our topic that might make them laugh. Then the positive energy helps me know I'm on their good side. Comedy is one of my obsessions, it falls under the performance and theater category.

HOWEVER, I have often made jokes to contribute because I think the mood needs a pick me up and it's been the wrong time to make a joke. Sometimes they'll tell me, or try to let me know by making a face, like a frown. And I'll immediately frown in response when I realize I was supposed to be showing concern, or try to match their face, and sometimes they'll think I'm making fun of them or being fake. Or they won't say anything about it for days, or at all. I've lost friends over it. It's so stressful. Gah! Can you relate? Do you have any stories? How do you cope?

edit: Also laughing. Sometimes I laugh when I don't know what else to do.

 

[OkRad]

I have had a long time beating myself into "acceptable" glances and grimaces. I took DBT once and they talked about this little half smile, but to me it felt like a sneer, like a lie. But if I just let my face relax, people ask what is the matter? I have not mastered it and never will. The fake smile goes on the second I leave the house. If I go where people know me, it's not fake because I really can smile at them. But otherwise, I never know how to try to make my expressions natural. As to reactions, I try to keep my mouth shut and let the other person talk. I like people so I don't mind. I keep them talking and they like that. That way I don't say anything stupid!

 

[pamelaperejil]

Something I enjoy about talking to people who are straight forward is not having to read between the lines. Especially when I've had little sleep or know I have something stressful coming up, like an appointment, or a car ride. Being able to focus on what they're saying and to just take it in as the information it is? Perfect. They aren't expecting me to react a certain way. I can just listen.

This.

As long as I can tell they're just being open and not insulted or purposely insulting, then I rather like the straightforward approach. It's freeing.

But it can be hard to tell the difference and, I think, it's also hard for me to convey that difference to others.

 

[paloftoon]

I sense in your case, it's best you let people know about your confusion and how people need to try to speak directly to you. Some people who don't understand autism might think you could be trying to use it as an excuse or they may not want to deal with the potential drama because it's too much emotion for them.

Maybe it would be better to tell people directly beforehand that you're not sure how you're supposed to feel and react, and that this situation is stressful, but that you will try your best to fight the stress and react properly. Part of the 'battle' is how people react to you, but another part of the 'battle' is for you to minimize these misunderstandings so that others can trust you, your efforts, and your level of functionality to minimize such a misunderstanding to begin with.

 

[Gummi27]

I sense in your case, it's best you let people know about your confusion and how people need to try to speak directly to you. Some people who don't understand autism might think you could be trying to use it as an excuse or they may not want to deal with the potential drama because it's too much emotion for them.

Maybe it would be better to tell people directly beforehand that you're not sure how you're supposed to feel and react, and that this situation is stressful, but that you will try your best to fight the stress and react properly. Part of the 'battle' is how people react to you, but another part of the 'battle' is for you to minimize these misunderstandings so that others can trust you, your efforts, and your level of functionality to minimize such a misunderstanding to begin with.

Thank you! This is very thoughtful and I will consider it. These misunderstandings have caused me and others so much unnecessary pain. If they'd communicated clearly to me that I was hurting their feelings, or knew ahead of time that I needed guidance in the mood of the conversation, perhaps we could have avoided that pain. One of these instances was with someone who was studying the Aspie mind so I was quite shocked that they'd misunderstood me, and with such confidence that my intentions were nothing more than malevolent.

 

[Thinx]

NT people think it's obvious how to do the to and fro and they are unaware how much effort goes in to it for people for whom it isn't innate. It's taken me most of my life to realise this, and eventually I theorised that there must be a process in communication others could do that didn't happen for me. Not long after that I came across Aspergers and the developing literature around it.

Maybe the best thing we can do is to clarify in varied ways that this difference exists, it is a difference and not a disability on our part, plus we have upsides! Eg in your case sounds like you're funny and upbeat. Maybe you could say hey I'm great at seeing an upside I'm funny and upbeat but I find it hard to read faces, cut me some slack on that...? And only mention autism if you really get to know and trust them.

 

[MrSpock]

I could be funny as a teenager. I am occasionally now, but not nearly as often. I didn't realise how funny or I might have kept it up more, I got a lot of groans which I didn't interpret as positively as I might have, it was because I was making 'groany' jokes like puns, not because they were bad ones. But I definitely got positive reactions and knew it.

One Monday morning at school I cracked a couple of jokes and there was very little positive reaction. I asked if somebody had died. One girl got up and ran from the room crying, a girl from our class had killed herself that weekend. I was still funny after that (not that day), but maybe not so much.

I know that I screw up sometimes, but not so often any more. I'm quieter now. Maybe that's a screw up too, I don't know. I don't know what you should do, either, but I can definitely relate, you're not alone.

 

[Sloth]

I think that is extremely relatable to many of us here and are some classic ASD problems. In my case, I actually developed such a fear of doing something inappropriate that would sometimes paralyze me and make social interactions unbearable, even if oftentimes I was over-exaggerating it in my head. Some kids in school actually, I guess, sense my social awkwardness and ask me super personal questions just to watch me struggle helplessly with an answer.

I'm good at analysis of things, so what I've kind of done my whole life is intently observe/listen/read about others and try to use my logic and knowledge to figure out their emotions instead of using natural empathy or understanding. I've gotten pretty good at it but sometimes it doesn't work and I get lost in a social situation and just freeze up or do something super awkward. I do agree that I wish people would be more direct all the time, so that I don't have to live in constant worry of misunderstandings. But just like Thinx said, most people just assume that you understand things without explaining. So asking before hand to be more clear does seem like a good suggestion.

I enjoy making jokes as well, but I have learned that not everyone enjoys them, so now I am only likely to do them in situations where I feel more comfortable, like on the internet, for example. Best course of action is probably to just accept the fact that you will sometimes inevitably mess up, to not beat yourself up too much about it, and just ask for and hope for understanding on the part of others. Now if only I could convince myself to do that .

 

[Major Tom]

I like to joke too, but am beginning to realize timing is everything. I think one good quality I have is making my wife laugh. I don't think we'd have made it this long without humor. That being said, it took her a while to get my humor. (We come from different backgrounds/cultures).

 

[Progster]

I'm not very good with humour of banter, and often don't understand other people's jokes - or I don't know whether something is meant as a joke or not. I tend to be honest about my thoughts and feelings, which sometimes gets me into trouble... or it's too much information, they don't really want to know.

 

[Gummi27]

Maybe you could say hey I'm great at seeing an upside I'm funny and upbeat but I find it hard to read faces, cut me some slack on that...? And only mention autism if you really get to know and trust them.

Wow, this is a good idea. Thank you.

I was still funny after that (not that day), but maybe not so much.

Haha. Your message had me laughing. Thank you for the comic relief and good story.

Best course of action is probably to just accept the fact that you will sometimes inevitably mess up, to not beat yourself up too much about it, and just ask for and hope for understanding on the part of others. Now if only I could convince myself to do that .

Thank you for that. Ah, yes. I too struggle with convincing myself to take my own advice. Sometimes people just are going to misunderstand me. I can only do my best to navigate and be sure as you said to not get too down about it when someone doesn't want to work with me on it.

I like to joke too, but am beginning to realize timing is everything. I think one good quality I have is making my wife laugh. I don't think we'd have made it this long without humor. That being said, it took her a while to get my humor. (We come from different backgrounds/cultures).

That's sweet. Laughter is great. It's my number one favorite thing about life. If I had to make a Yelp review of life, it'd be at the top.

I'm not very good with humour of banter, and often don't understand other people's jokes - or I don't know whether something is meant as a joke or not. I tend to be honest about my thoughts and feelings, which sometimes gets me into trouble... or it's too much information, they don't really want to know.

That's good though that you're honest about your thoughts and feelings. That's too bad it gets you into trouble. And yes, catching jokes in others can be difficult. I have found that my Aspie roommate and I have trouble catching each other's jokes. Our voices usually don't change in a way that seems to indicate the joke every time. If I'm lazy I will totally forget to add "Oh that was a joke btw" when I'm talking to people I don't know I usually do a sing song voice. But sarcasm is my default. I come from a family of straight faced jokers.

As an aside, when my roomy and I joke online, somehow (even without the use of emojis) we can tell the other is joking. What's that about I wonder?

 

[paloftoon]

Thank you! This is very thoughtful and I will consider it. These misunderstandings have caused me and others so much unnecessary pain. If they'd communicated clearly to me that I was hurting their feelings, or knew ahead of time that I needed guidance in the mood of the conversation, perhaps we could have avoided that pain. One of these instances was with someone who was studying the Aspie mind so I was quite shocked that they'd misunderstood me, and with such confidence that my intentions were nothing more than malevolent.

Part of the reason people don't communicate clearly could be that they don't feel they need to be and that is should be "obvious"- this is true, but there are many other important possibilities to consider too.
1. Instead, the person may not know how to express how they are feeling clearly
2. the person may not feel comfortable being direct if communicating at all because it's one of those social things that you should know, but it is so debilitating to you and insulting to the other person/people that a built up trust is broken.
3. They are so good that they can be manipulative like this. (this is probably not the case as most people don't like to think like this to this degree, but there are sick people everywhere.)
4. they are immature and don't realize what they are really doing. their behavior is affected by their past experiences and upbringing (as the same or part of the same is true for you and everyone else probably)

In case #2 (mostly likely out of the 4 I mentioned to be the case), they are reasonable to not trust you because they feel that you could have ulterior motives because, unfortunately, many people do. If you know a person doesn't like you, and you have a reason to connect with them again as a friend or someone you have to work and where both of you have to "tolerate" each other, a brief note or e-mail expressing your concerns might be a "nothing to lose" type scenario you could consider too. It's worth the risk I think. You may make some "bad decisions" and not everyone you feel out may react properly, but try not to blame yourself and move on to other people if results are not good. Don't keep writing notes/e-mails. One maybe two is enough, and context matters entirely. If you aren't sure, don't do more than one. You can ask someone else in-person for advice, but if you're not sure if they understand the situation and the context, then I advise against writing more than one e-mail/note with a proper response from the other person/people because you don't want to end up in a situation where you are sued or something like that. Just don't let people walk all over you either if you can help it.

Also, when you are able to handle these situations yourself rather than the expectation or hope that so many people will be able to accept the idea that they have to know you don't know how to react to various scenarios at all, this means you are more independent and people will be more attracted to that socially and dating wise basically. Just keep trying. You will probably make many mistakes, but all you can do is keep trying and grow from it. This will help a lot.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

I've done a MRI in order to clear out any other possibility instead of ASD/ADHD ( still not sure I have ADHD).

And during the MRI session some noises triggered in me a very strong need to laugh, I had to open my eyes and be very careful and also breath heavily in order to contain it.

So, my 2 questions are, have you ever had weird moment where you wanted to laugh? Not just inappropriate ( I had that as well) BUT also

Did anyone here pass a MRI? Did something weird happened for you during the session and did you get any specific result?

 

[BrokenBoy]

I often laugh "randomly" because I constantly think of funny jokes in my head.

Whenever I try to come across as friendly I often attempt to fake a smile and give a thumbs up which often just looks awkward.

Yeah my social/communication skills are poor and I have no friends IRL.

 

[Mr Allen]

One of the most inappropriate laighing fits I had was years ago when uncle Jeff died,auntie Barbara was very upset and swearing a LOT, I just creased up laughing, at the swearing of course.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

Does anyone else do this?

I always end up smiling or grinning at the wrong situation, and I hate it! I feel like a bad person. Like that time my Guinea Piggie got his head stuck. I really felt bad for him, and I was worried, but I couldn't help but grin. WHYYYYY!

I'm doing it now, and I'm not even happy with myself right now for it! Am I evil? Why do I keep grinning at bad stuff happening? I mean, I vein and laugh at good stuff, too, but also bad stuff that I don't wanna grin or laugh to.

How do I stop?