(Sigh) New Unexpected Dilemma I Need Advise On- HELP!!!

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

I'm glad I offer support on here at times because unfortunately I'm asking for advise on the dilemma below.

Ok so basically this girl in a store (I merchandise stuff in weekly for the past few weeks) remembered my name and was recently using it to address me (so rather than hi or bye (like everyone else says) it was instead “Hi Adam” and “bye Adam” and she wanted me to remember her name (which I did). Admittedly I was initiating some of these conversations, but she seemed to be joking along just fine and possibly indicating to me a shared interest (perhaps romantically). So against my better wishes and judgement I returned to the store today and approached her as she was coming out of the back area of the store (she had no reason to expect me to return in that week as my calls are weekly). I asked if we could just go out the back as I wanted to ask her something and when we got out to the back my words were- "So i made the mistake yesterday by leaving without your phone number and the hope that we might go out some time". She responded “Yer sure". She sort of seemed enthusiastic, certainly not disinterested but she doesn't know her mobile number off by heart (her phone would be upstairs in her locker I assume) and because i didn't have my bag on me i had no paper to write mine down (once I'd offered to give that to her). So she said I could give it to her another time but when I asked when she was working she didn't know when (which may or may not have been true) for me to next see her. So i said- "This isn't a brush of is it because if you're not interested then you can just tell me......" to which she interrupted with "No no its just.." and then she said something insignificant that I’ve forgotten.
So i told her I'd just get it done next time i came in and on days i know she normally works.


As much as I genuinely just wished I’d have listened to myself and just not bothered meddling in something I’m not supposed to be a part of, I now am and I’ve got to wait until the coming weekend to get some kind of answer. Now I’m sorry but the one thing I hate women for (or perhaps it’s all NT’s irrespective of gender) is that instead of giving me a gentle let down (which part of me wonders if she had wanted to do) I get fed bullsh*t which only raises hopes over the week only for me to never get that conclusive answer from which I must quickly extrapolate that she’s probably not interested so as not to keep trying to get an answer from her. It is of course possible that everything she said was exactly as she said it (no sidetracking B.S) but I need to somehow now get as conclusive an answer as I can (assuming it’s even possible for her to do that, though I can’t see why). I want to get her to basically just emphasize that if she’s not interested then can she please (however gently she feels comfortable to say it) just say it and that there’ll be no hard feelings (as I respect her decision, if not her methods of answering).


How do I get a conclusive answer without making it seem to her like I don’t have confidence in myself or that I’m not being too pushy for a direct and honest yes/no answer?
You’re not supposed to talk about negatives too much in these situations, but I feel as though if I don’t, that I’ll have to just quit so as to save face.

 

[Rocco]

If it were me, I would wait until the next visit and be causal about it. If she is interested she will be happy to see you and have her number ready. If she is not interested it should be obvious. The unknown phone number would raise a flag for me, but that's just me.
I hope it works out for you, best wishes.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

The unknown phone number would raise a flag for me, but that's just me.

I'm always suspicious of everything and any time that other part of me is stupid enough to assume anyone can have feelings for me, but I dunno about the not knowing the phone number thing though, I only remember mine because of the 2-3yrs I was applying for jobs and constantly writing my mobile number, otherwise I'd never have known it off by heart either. But if indeed your suspicions are correct, then what would piss me off is that she couldn't just say "sorry I don't feel that way about you", it's not exactly rocket science and plus I'd even already started to say that if she didn't want to then she could just tell me, that should really help not to make it awkward for her to put the truth to me.

The thing that just pisses me off is that I ordinarily don't care that I can't be loved romantically by anyone (to be honest I've lived my life by that understanding and thrived on it etc) but it's typical that the only time I'm vulnerable and afraid of that fact is when I'm stupid enough to give in to the nonsense desire of love.

 

[Rocco]

For the "other side of the coin" if perchance she does not like you in that way, she may simply have been uncomfortable saying so.

Even if this is the case, it is no reason to beat your self up about it or to cease being open to a relationship. I struggle with negative thoughts all day everyday, and I have to force myself to think positive or be positive.
I realize my internal negativity is not common in everyone else, and that it is best to assume others have good intentions, until I decipher or they show otherwise.

I will also note an occasional peculiar behavior I have noticed in humans, when a person they are interested in seems "too eager, it's becomes a turn off." Not always the case but it happens.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

if perchance she does not like you in that way, she may simply have been uncomfortable saying so.

Well I even started to say "if this is a brushoff then......". The worse thing a girl can do is avoid the truth and assuming that palming you off with Bullsh*t is gonna work or make you feel better (and too many or all of them do this, which is just one of the many reasons why my better judgement doesn't like them, at least none of them outside of my family or a professional context). Tell the truth in whatever way you want (hard, soft whatever) but stop lieing!!

I realize my internal negativity is not common in everyone else, and that it is best to assume others have good intentions, until I decipher or they show otherwise.

I am similar to you, but unfortunately I have the mind of a great detective and the truth is often (though not always) a negative.

I will also note an occasional peculiar behavior I have noticed in humans, when a person they are interested in seems "too eager, it's becomes a turn off." Not always the case but it happens

One thing I made sure I didn't do, but in my case it doesn't work out, eager or not.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Well I even started to say "if this is a brushoff then......". The worse thing a girl can do is avoid the truth and assuming that palming you off with Bullsh*t is gonna work or make you feel better (and too many or all of them do this, which is just one of the many reasons why my better judgement doesn't like them, at least none of them outside of my family or a professional context). Tell the truth in whatever way you want (hard, soft whatever) but stop lieing!!



I am similar to you, but unfortunately I have the mind of a great detective and the truth is often (though not always) a negative.



One thing I made sure I didn't do, but in my case it doesn't work out, eager or not.

YOu're jumping to too many conclusions.

It's not always about liking someone vs liking someone. It can also be the case where someone likes someone but isn't sure how much they like them. It can be the case that they're attracted to someone, but unsure whether they want to actually date them. It could be the case that she isn't sure, herself, what she wants.
And if that's the case, give her room to decide.
SOmetimes it takes time for someone to decide how they really feel about someone else.
She really doesn't know you well enough to have strong feelings either for or against her.

In this case, it sounds like she's in an in between stage. She's neither fully into you, nor is she absolutely completely disinterested either.

You just need to relax, and not treat this as a big deal. If you force her to give you an answer about whether not she likes you, you might just push her into saying that she dislikes you (when really, she just hadn't had the chance to get to know you well enough to decide).

Stop looking at this as a "I like you" vs "I don't like you" thing. Treat it as a chance to get to know each other a little bit better. (Then once you guys actually know each other, and only then, will both of you be able to decide how you really feel). (Also, studies suggest that it takes a woman longer than a guy to know how she feels about someone)

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

It's not always about liking someone vs liking someone. It can also be the case where someone likes someone but isn't sure how much they like them. It can be the case that they're attracted to someone, but unsure whether they want to actually date them. It could be the case that she isn't sure, herself, what she wants.

This part I like because I haven't thought much about this, it's pretty informative, it's true and it doesn't pander to my ego in attempt to try and build up false hope in the moment.

In this case, it sounds like she's in an in between stage. She's neither fully into you, nor is she absolutely completely disinterested either.
You just need to relax, and not treat this as a big deal. If you force her to give you an answer about whether not she likes you, you might just push her into saying that she dislikes you (when really, she just hadn't had the chance to get to know you well enough to decide).

This part however, I have to remember is only a possible representation of the many potential outcomes, but unfortunately seems way too optimistic when we're talking about me.

 

[Ste11aeres]

This part I like because I haven't thought much about this, it's pretty informative, it's true and it doesn't pander to my ego in attempt to try and build up false hope in the moment.



This part however, I have to remember is only a possible representation of the many potential outcomes, but unfortunately seems way too optimistic when we're talking about me.

The important thing is not to avoid the two opposite extremes:
1: of making all your happiness depend on the possibility of things working out with this person
and 2: Deciding that it's a horrible idea to be ever interested in a woman

Just relax. Your happiness does not depend on this. However, if it does work out, it could be nice. Don't reject the possibility of it working, but don't depend on it either. Keep yourself open to the possibility of it working out, just don't stake all your happiness on it.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

The important thing is not to avoid the two opposite extremes:
1: of making all your happiness depend on the possibility of things working out with this person
and 2: Deciding that it's a horrible idea to be ever interested in a woman

Just relax. Your happiness does not depend on this. However, if it does work out, it could be nice. Don't reject the possibility of it working, but don't depend on it either. Keep yourself open to the possibility of it working out, just don't stake all your happiness on it.

Well no.2 might be impossible, but the reasons are well beyond not liking this or being irritated about that etc. At the end of the day she is one of two (the other I've had the sense to already give up on in light of this) that have really shown the potential interest (matched with my being interested in them) to warrant any kind of response or initiation from me, it doesn't preclude future happenings but it may very well conclude their outcomes if I do try.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

So this is what I'm gonna say to her next time I see her (it'll be the last time if she rejects my offer as I'll just go in to merchandise thereafter on days I know she's not in). Obviously I'm expecting and prepared for the the worst (to be longed off with excuses or her perhaps giving me her number but never responding to the one or two texts I'll send ) but hoping for the best of course.

"So I think I took you by surprise last time, hopefully I wasn't too presumptuous, do you still wanna exchange numbers and meet up some time?"

I cannot say or do anything to improve the situation, but hopefully the above ^^^^ is clear in it's intentions, to the point and not pushy or offensive, what do you think guys?

There is one further upshot (in the unlikely event this works out), if she does say yes and if we do end up meeting and eventually dating and become a couple, then this means I can believe in the possibility that it could work with other girls (in the event the relationship goes sour at any point in the future) and I'll know that I can be seen as being attractive (which I can and will only ever believe in the event of a success).

 

[Ste11aeres]

So this is what I'm gonna say to her next time I see her (it'll be the last time if she rejects my offer as I'll just go in to merchandise thereafter on days I know she's not in). Obviously I'm expecting and prepared for the the worst (to be longed off with excuses or her perhaps giving me her number but never responding to the one or two texts I'll send ) but hoping for the best of course.

"So I think I took you by surprise last time, hopefully I wasn't too presumptuous, do you still wanna exchange numbers and meet up some time?"

I cannot say or do anything to improve the situation, but hopefully the above ^^^^ is clear in it's intentions, to the point and not pushy or offensive, what do you think guys?

That sounds good. It expresses interest, without sounding like you're making too big a deal about it (making too big a deal about it could scare people off). Sounds good.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

That sounds good. It expresses interest, without sounding like you're making too big a deal about it (making too big a deal about it could scare people off). Sounds good.

Thanks, I had assumed it was.