Should I try to get my Aspie back?

[Grumpy Cat]

I've read the same things as well and ironically, it is the "not knowing" how he (AS) feels while in the relationship that causes the (NT) insecurity > that causes the (NT) emotional reaction > that causes the (AS) meltdowns/shutdown > that causes the end If he did lose interest in me, it seemed like it happened over night and even if we were to get back together, who's to say he won't just lose interest again and again? The saddest part of this is that I really do love him very much and accept the way he is and have learned as much as I can to relate to him better but he hasn't shown any interest in me and there's nothing I can do about it… it is what it is.

See, and what I don't understand is that he was all into you in the beginning which shows that an Aspie can show interest and make some moves like texting you or calling which he did in the beginning, right? Then if you ask if the relationship is ok, he'd probably get upset you asked. But what Aspies don't understand is the fact that that is how friendships/relationships work with NT's - there must be contact more often than what they probably think there needs to be. So are you to feel upset, lonely and wondering if he's still interested in you all the time? I just don't know what the answer is myself to be honest and it is sad.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I've read the same things as well and ironically, it is the "not knowing" how he (AS) feels while in the relationship that causes the (NT) insecurity > that causes the (NT) emotional reaction > that causes the (AS) meltdowns/shutdown > that causes the end If he did lose interest in me, it seemed like it happened over night and even if we were to get back together, who's to say he won't just lose interest again and again? The saddest part of this is that I really do love him very much and accept the way he is and have learned as much as I can to relate to him better but he hasn't shown any interest in me and there's nothing I can do about it… it is what it is.

You know I was just thinking. Instead of wondering what he's thinking, I would just send a note in the mail (not a text) and say that you missed him and would like to see him again just to talk over dinner and for him to call you if he wants to see you too. With the letter he can read it several times and have time to make a decision on whether he wants to call or not. I would then leave it at that. If he calls its because he wants to call not because you keep trying to lure him into your web to fix a clogged sink.

 

[Plumeria]

See, and what I don't understand is that he was all into you in the beginning which shows that an Aspie can show interest and make some moves like texting you or calling which he did in the beginning, right? Then if you ask if the relationship is ok, he'd probably get upset you asked. But what Aspies don't understand is the fact that that is how friendships/relationships work with NT's - there must be contact more often than what they probably think there needs to be. So are you to feel upset, lonely and wondering if he's still interested in you all the time? I just don't know what the answer is myself to be honest and it is sad.

He did show interest in the beginning but also in the end -- until I cried. He was more busy but I did stay the night at his place that weekend, he kept asking me to do him favors (even that day) and he was calling me more often so I don't know what happened?? I've run it through my mind a million times and at this point, I'm just working on accepting it.

 

[Plumeria]

You know I was just thinking. Instead of wondering what he's thinking, I would just send a note in the mail (not a text) and say that you missed him and would like to see him again just to talk over dinner and for him to call you if he wants to see you too. With the letter he can read it several times and have time to make a decision on whether he wants to call or not. I would then leave it at that. If he calls its because he wants to call not because you keep trying to lure him into your web to fix a clogged sink.

I've thought about that too Angela but my gut tells me that he's not ready. At least I know that he is open to helping me if I need it, that he will not avoid me (when I reach out to him) and that I tried. Perhaps something will happen in the future but I dont know what else to do but move on.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

He did show interest in the beginning but also in the end -- until I cried. He was more busy but I did stay the night at his place that weekend, he kept asking me to do him favors (even that day) and he was calling me more often so I don't know what happened?? I've run it through my mind a million times and at this point, I'm just working on accepting it.

If he couldn't handle your crying he really wouldn't know what to do if he was in a relationship with someone like me - I've cried buckets in the last month. Usually I don't cry unless things are really bad, but if things do happen to me that are bad - watch out for Niagara Falls.

 

[Plumeria]

If he couldn't handle your crying he really wouldn't know what to do if he was in a relationship with someone like me - I've cried buckets in the last month. Usually I don't cry unless things are really bad, but if things do happen to me that are bad - watch out for Niagara Falls.

My friends wonder the same thing, if he is dating someone else … how will a relationship last when most women WILL cry and get upset and expect more from him? I dont know. Once his mom started crying in church and he became so uncomfortable by it and told her to "stop crying."

I thought we were good together and I treated him well but he said he was unhappy. I have no regrets, I did my best.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've read the same things as well and ironically, it is the "not knowing" how he (AS) feels while in the relationship that causes the (NT) insecurity > that causes the (NT) emotional reaction > that causes the (AS) meltdowns/shutdown > that causes the end If he did lose interest in me, it seemed like it happened over night and even if we were to get back together, who's to say he won't just lose interest again and again? The saddest part of this is that I really do love him very much and accept the way he is and have learned as much as I can to relate to him better but he hasn't shown any interest in me and there's nothing I can do about it… it is what it is.

You know, I'm going to give you a very Aspie-ish suggestion. Would you be willing to just ask him outright how he feels? Maybe that would be too scary, but at least it could give you some closure, maybe?

 

[Plumeria]

You know, I'm going to give you a very Aspie-ish suggestion. Would you be willing to just ask him outright how he feels? Maybe that would be too scary, but at least it could give you some closure, maybe?

Great advice, and of course, I've thought of asking but I am too scared. I'm not sure if he would even be able to answer me, he's not much of a talker… Maybe I'm not ready for it to be completely "closed" but I know I have to accept it -- regardless of the reason.

 

[May Black]

You know, I'm going to give you a very Aspie-ish suggestion. Would you be willing to just ask him outright how he feels? Maybe that would be too scary, but at least it could give you some closure, maybe?

I was going to suggest the exact same thing, but you beat me to it.

To put it very harshly, if you're not capable of being straight forward with him, the chance of you two having a functional relationship is minimal.

 

[Plumeria]

I was going to suggest the exact same thing, but you beat me to it.

To put it very harshly, if you're not capable of being straight forward with him, the chance of you two having a functional relationship is minimal.

Thats a very good point. It's a double edge sword though... if I'm too straight forward, it will make him feel uncomfortable and if I'm not straight forward, well… then yes, there is a breakdown in communication. Crazy thing is, I'm a very good communicator but he is not. I have to wait for the right time and way to say things otherwise, he will just withdraw or avoid the question. I learned that he works best when I ask questions when he's already sharing and in a good mood. If not, I just get yes, no or maybe answers. I know him well. I guarantee you, if I ask him what happened, he'll say "I dont know" or "I already told you, I was unhappy."

 

[May Black]

It makes perfect sense, he probably hates talking about it. It's not interesting to him and he doesn't understand why it would be interesting to you.
You cannot simply ask him what happened, no offense, but that goes into the stupid question category. He already told you. If you want to drag something out of him, you need to have prepared yes no questions with possible suggestions of things that might have happened and be pragmatic.

If I were you, I'd probably go around it something like this, the answers are what my boyfriend would be likely to say.
Things didn't work out too well between us, did they. (Notice, it's not formed as a question.)
No, not really
Here I'd wait a little to see if he's willing to elaborate.
I was quite emotional I guess, it could be hard to handle.
Well, might be. (If lucky, it would be 'maybe sometimes' which is a good opening.)
We did have lot of fun though.
I guess (In my boyfriend''s case, this more or less means yes)
Remember that time... (insert fun event here)
Yeah, that old man sure was crazy (here he starts talking, so I keep going with that topic for a while until he seems to be open and relaxed)
You know, I still wonder if things would have worked out differently had I not cried that evening.
Who knows, no use in speculating.
I miss the fun we had.
I guess it wasn't all bad
etc.

Basically, you disguise the questions into sentences that aren't openly questions, but give him a chance to reveal something if he wants to without pressuring him. Don't ever ask more than one unpleasant question and back off immediately if you notice he's uncomfortable. He might also get tired of the talking game and ask you straight forward what you want. Don't ask or state the obvious.

 

[Ste11aeres]

It makes perfect sense, he probably hates talking about it. It's not interesting to him and he doesn't understand why it would be interesting to you.
You cannot simply ask him what happened, no offense, but that goes into the stupid question category. He already told you. If you want to drag something out of him, you need to have prepared yes no questions with possible suggestions of things that might have happened and be pragmatic.

If I were you, I'd probably go around it something like this, the answers are what my boyfriend would be likely to say.
Things didn't work out too well between us, did they. (Notice, it's not formed as a question.)
No, not really
Here I'd wait a little to see if he's willing to elaborate.
I was quite emotional I guess, it could be hard to handle.
Well, might be. (If lucky, it would be 'maybe sometimes' which is a good opening.)
We did have lot of fun though.
I guess (In my boyfriend''s case, this more or less means yes)
Remember that time... (insert fun event here)
Yeah, that old man sure was crazy (here he starts talking, so I keep going with that topic for a while until he seems to be open and relaxed)
You know, I still wonder if things would have worked out differently had I not cried that evening.
Who knows, no use in speculating.
I miss the fun we had.
I guess it wasn't all bad
etc.

Basically, you disguise the questions into sentences that aren't openly questions, but give him a chance to reveal something if he wants to without pressuring him. Don't ever ask more than one unpleasant question and back off immediately if you notice he's uncomfortable. He might also get tired of the talking game and ask you straight forward what you want. Don't ask or state the obvious.

You're speaking from experience, aren't you

 

[May Black]

You're speaking from experience, aren't you

Nowadays our arguments generally go:
And now you're going to say this!
Obviously! And you'll answer this!
And then we start laughing. We know each other in an out, but it's been a long journey. I still do fear the day when he'll grow tired of me though and move to a different special interest.

 

[Plumeria]

OMG OMG OMG ... just when I was accepting its over, he just texted me! He asked "Do you have a good peanut butter cookie recipe?" OMG. I taught him how to bake. I haven't replied yet. I know this could mean nothing but if he didn't want to reach out to me, he could EASILY Google a recipe right?
Ang, Ste11aeres & May - I quoted your old texts so you could hopefully see this sooner than later!

If he couldn't handle your crying he really wouldn't know what to do if he was in a relationship with someone like me - I've cried buckets in the last month. Usually I don't cry unless things are really bad, but if things do happen to me that are bad - watch out for Niagara Falls.

You know, I'm going to give you a very Aspie-ish suggestion. Would you be willing to just ask him outright how he feels? Maybe that would be too scary, but at least it could give you some closure, maybe?

I was going to suggest the exact same thing, but you beat me to it.
To put it very harshly, if you're not capable of being straight forward with him, the chance of you two having a functional relationship is minimal.

 

[Plumeria]

Btw, the last time we didn't talk for a month, he texted me and asked if I could teach him how to make one of my cupcakes... I still haven't replied...

 

[Ste11aeres]

OMG OMG OMG ... just when I was accepting its over, he just texted me! He asked "Do you have a good peanut butter cookie recipe?" OMG. I taught him how to bake. I haven't replied yet. I know this could mean nothing but if he didn't want to reach out to me, he could EASILY Google a recipe right?
Ang, Ste11aeres & May - I quoted your old texts so you could hopefully see this sooner than later!

Any good Aspie knows perfectly well that you can google a recipe in lieu of asking someone for one.

 

[Plumeria]

Thank you for sharing that Ste11aeres, I was wondering why he would ask me if he could easily look it up online. I don't want to get too excited but at the same time, I think this text might be a good sign?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Thank you for sharing that Ste11aeres, I was wondering why he would ask me if he could easily look it up online. I don't want to get too excited but at the same time, I think this text might be a good sign?

I would say it definitely is a good sign.
I know Aspies are usually more explicit than NTs, but there is one situation where an Aspie might avoid explicitness, and that's if he's a little bit afraid of rejection. I think he would like to re-establish contact, but is feeling a little too timid to be more forward about it. If he's anything like my Aspie male best friend, he might sometimes be a little more passive than girls usually expect guys to be.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

OMG OMG OMG ... just when I was accepting its over, he just texted me! He asked "Do you have a good peanut butter cookie recipe?" OMG. I taught him how to bake. I haven't replied yet. I know this could mean nothing but if he didn't want to reach out to me, he could EASILY Google a recipe right?
Ang, Ste11aeres & May - I quoted your old texts so you could hopefully see this sooner than later!

I'd call him and ask if he wants any specific peanut butter recipe. Get away from the text for right now cause its not personal enough. Then you can ask him how everything else has been going - you know, small talk. Then say you'll look at some of your special recipes just for him and call him back with a few to see which he likes best.

 

[Plumeria]

I'd call him and ask if he wants any specific peanut butter recipe. Get away from the text for right now cause its not personal enough. Then you can ask him how everything else has been going - you know, small talk. Then say you'll look at some of your special recipes just for him and call him back with a few to see which he likes best.

That's great advice Angela but unfortunately, he hates talking on the phone. We barely talked when we were together, he is a text or in person type of guy. I texted her back "Yes I do I have to look for it" Then he replied "Thank you" Now I have mixed feelings. I know it's great he reached out but what if the recipe is all he wants? Oh well, we'll see... I am trying to stay level headed, not too excited, not too negative.