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Should I tell a girlfriend I have AS?

M

Michael

Active Member
I titled this, "tell a girlfriend" because I currently do not have a girlfriend, but I've been getting better at dating, with practice. I'm 36 and still learning; kind of sad I guess.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I get a girlfriend out of this dating, and we establish a relationship where we care about each other, is there a reason to tell her? If we get to that point, and we love each other for who we are, should it matter that I have AS?

I'm torn, because I'm thinking telling her would could only make things worse, but I'm also thinking she would have a right to know. I've heard those of us who have AS have a greater chance of passing it on to children, so if that is true, I believe it would be unfair to withhold that information.

I've had two long term relationships in my life (never married and no children). The first for 7 years, and I wasn't diagnosed at the time. The second was 4 years, and I got diagnosed during this relationship. My girlfriend at the time of the 4 year relationship was very understanding and supportive of my diagnosis, but ultimately she was unable to handle my personality.
 
She would have a right to know, but I understand your worry that she may potentially turn you down.

It really depends on the person you're with as to when the best time to say it would be. If you're worried, I would let her get to know you first, maybe two weeks (2-3 dates; but before being intimate!); I wouldn't wait longer than that, or it may cause some resentment, and that's never good.

After getting to know each other, if you guys feel natural together, and feel this could be it for you, tell her. Explain to her that your reason for waiting, is that you wanted you both to get to know each other first, before you could feel comfortable telling her. If she's the right one for you, she will accept this logic.

That way she already knows you, which allows her to know what she's dealing with a bit better. If you tell her straight up, she might also treat you as 'broken' if she's given this explanation too early, and she knows nothing about AS, she might make up her mind without bothering to get to know you first. In saying that, don't take it personally if she does react this way; not everyone can deal with 'different'. Keep trying.

I don't wish to imply you are broken, or that she would react that way for sure; I can only speculate, but if I personally didn't know anything about AS, and was NT, this is how I assume I would react, so it's just how I assume others might too.
 
Hi Michael,
Im always of the belief, that once a woman gets to know you, she should be told. Maintaining a long term relationship, is hard work, no matter how well u may think your covering your tracks. Trust me, honesty is the best policy. She has a right to know and long term, you will need the support of each other. I know this decision must weigh heavy on you, but dont base your relationship on deception. There is a place for it in society, but not in a relationship. The best of luck to you.
Cheers
Turk
 
I don't think it's something that needs to be said on the first date, but it should happen when you feel comfortable with sharing that information.

I know it's scary because I have a boyfriend. If I remember correctly (I've been with him for so long now that it's sometimes hard to remember times when I was without him!) I was diagnosed well before we dated---we were already friends, and when I got my diagnosis I told several friends about it, reminding them that sarcasm would sometimes be lost on me, etc.

It was a trial even then, but I've always believed honesty is the best policy. I've certainly been rewarded for it---my boyfriend doesn't see me as any less of a person for being autistic, and has forgiven me for mistakes that he might not have if he lacked the knowledge of my emotional instability.

So yes, when you're seeing someone, tell her, but not before you feel ready to do so.
 
I think you should always tell people. Especailly if you are seeing someone. They need to know and have time to process that information. Also if they can't handle that then they aren't worth seeing. Just do it when you are ready but don't wait too long.
 
Thank you guys for your feedback. I like hearing the different perspectives.

I was hesitant because I didn't know whether or not a "label" should matter, because she would already know me for me. I thought it may just unnecessarily complicate things. I think you guys are right though, that a person has a right to know anyway. As Turk pointed out, I certainly don't want to deceive anyone. It never even occurred to me that hiding this fact about myself would be considered deceitful.

I was worried because when I go out on dates, I have learned I have to keep the subject matter of conversation away from me, because when I start talking about myself, they pick up something is a bit off about me. In my own personal experiences, women I've went out with want a man who they can depend on, not someone they think they may have to worry about. Anyway, you guys are right, the right person for me will understand and accept me for me.

Thank you everyone for your responses!
 
Hi Michael,
I have a past that keeps coming back to bite me. It was never about the size of the deception, only that it was a deception. The closer you get to someone, the less your going to be able to hide it. Its not a matter of if, its a matter of when. There is no such thing as the perfect partner. When you love someone, it brcomes about compromise. She will be more impressed by your honesty than all the other stereotypical wants. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. Without it your building your hopes and dreams on a house of cards. Not unlike the situation I find myself in now.
Cheers
Turk
 
Thank you for your insight Turk.

I assure you, my intentions have never been to be deceitful, or intentionally lie to someone. I just never thought of it like that. I'm actually one of the ones that doesn't lie. I always tell the truth, for better or worse. But at the same time, I don't volunteer everything there is to possibly know about me, because in my mind, some things just aren't important. Which is why I posted this question here, I didn't know if it was important.

I often have difficulty understanding what is important to other people, and what matters to people. I'm glad I have found a community like this to where I can ask these questions, and get feedback from others.

Thank you again!
 
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