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Should I stay or should I go? (That would make a good song title...)

Ocarina

Ocarina

Well-Known Member
Hello
I'm a 48 year old aspie female, have been in a relationship with a man for the last five years - he's also on the spectrum, self diagnosed during the time we were together.
I posted on here a while back about our split - he became more and more distant as a result of worry re his daughter, school fees, an ex who he was incredibly angry with since she became pregnant against his wishes 13 years ago and he continues to feel trapped and controlled. Things reached the point where I felt that in his eyes I hardly existed - we saw each other less and less and the communication dwindled to a point where I just didn't feel connected any more. I kindly and calmly was honest with him about how I was feeling - that I needed more from him if we were going to stay together - he was also drinking heavily which contributed to the emotional "absence". His reply was something along the lines of "whatever you want". And, he disappeared.

I was struggling at the time with a teenage son with a drug problem, changing jobs, moving house and all that usual life jazz - I missed him horribly but picked myself up and life is OK now - I have let go of any blame and anger and began to build a new existence without him.

We have seen each other in passing now and then - and I felt aware that I couldn't waste my limited resources trying to fix him, change him, sort him out. Fast forward to now, 4 months after we went our separate ways - and he wants to meet to talk things through.

I don't know what to think - whether to risk subjecting myself to more pain, whether I should listen and be open? I'm afraid to get involved again as his disappearance was really painful. Having come this far maybe I should just let things go....
 
how fragile is your psyche can you cope with how confrontational truth can be
if not wait!!! if he really is autistic its the need to understand whatever he cant understand that will have prompted contact with you
and that an unpleasant situation the biggie change!!! has occurred
and wants one of the pieces that make him secure back where he thinks it should be .
be wary he probably ISNT mature or psychologically enough to really fully cope with
 
Ocarina said:
Hello
I'm a 48 year old aspie female, have been in a relationship with a man for the last five years - he's also on the spectrum, self diagnosed during the time we were together.
I posted on here a while back about our split - he became more and more distant as a result of worry re his daughter, school fees, an ex who he was incredibly angry with since she became pregnant against his wishes 13 years ago and he continues to feel trapped and controlled. Things reached the point where I felt that in his eyes I hardly existed - we saw each other less and less and the communication dwindled to a point where I just didn't feel connected any more. I kindly and calmly was honest with him about how I was feeling - that I needed more from him if we were going to stay together - he was also drinking heavily which contributed to the emotional "absence". His reply was something along the lines of "whatever you want". And, he disappeared.

I was struggling at the time with a teenage son with a drug problem, changing jobs, moving house and all that usual life jazz - I missed him horribly but picked myself up and life is OK now - I have let go of any blame and anger and began to build a new existence without him.

We have seen each other in passing now and then - and I felt aware that I couldn't waste my limited resources trying to fix him, change him, sort him out. Fast forward to now, 4 months after we went our separate ways - and he wants to meet to talk things through.

I don't know what to think - whether to risk subjecting myself to more pain, whether I should listen and be open? I'm afraid to get involved again as his disappearance was really painful. Having come this far maybe I should just let things go....
Click to expand...
learning from a brief meeting
 
Asking questions is something I'm not great at and it does pay to be clear and direct. In the past I maybe didn't ask for clarification in case I ended up hearing something I'd rather not hear - but at this stage maybe there's not much to lose. At the moment I don't feel fragile - feel pretty much take it or leave it - and I even wonder if we'd work better as friends - by removing any expectations and emotional entanglements.
The only communication I had from him after he disappeared was an email saying he was working on things and that at least one part of the issues that were causing his stress seemed to be resolving. Then nothing for the last 3 months.
It worries me that he can't deal with this day do day minor confrontation without withdrawing - I don't blame him for it, but it's not conducive to a peaceful settled life for me - which is ultimately what I want from a relationship.
 
i was told, life is like a sailboat, it can only go forwards not backwards

whenever i've broken up with someone, i found that over time the reasons then continued to be valid today, there is always a risk of rationalising the past when one feels lonely or bad today
 
do
Ocarina said:
Asking questions is something I'm not great at and it does pay to be clear and direct. In the past I maybe didn't ask for clarification in case I ended up hearing something I'd rather not hear - but at this stage maybe there's not much to lose. At the moment I don't feel fragile - feel pretty much take it or leave it - and I even wonder if we'd work better as friends - by removing any expectations and emotional entanglements.
The only communication I had from him after he disappeared was an email saying he was working on things and that at least one part of the issues that were causing his stress seemed to be resolving. Then nothing for the last 3 months.
It worries me that he can't deal with this day do day minor confrontation without withdrawing - I don't blame him for it, but it's not conducive to a peaceful settled life for me - which is ultimately what I want from a relationship.
Click to expand...
do you honestly expect a man just to want friendship
men and women are designed to reproduce in the right setting or sometimes wrong setting !!!
you cannot block out one of the big factors in relationships between men and women
are you meeting in a public place ?!!
 
No one can decide for you, except yourself. There must have been some kind of physical and intellectual attraction that brought you together in the first place. Something that you liked about him, as you were hurt by his disappearance and subsequent silence. It may well be that his situation with his ex and children will reoccur again, definitely something to consider in the future. The fact that you've weathered the breakup and are considering becoming involved again, means at least to me, that there is still something there, some spark of interest.

Perhaps if you meet again, take it all slowly and hear what he has to say. Then, take your time in deciding if you want this to happen again.
 
I know how you feel. I have always made a clean break and tried to keep moving forward, at least physically. My heart and mind would wonder back to what if but ive never gone back. At least not in my adult life. When I was much younger I did and what a misserable mess I got myself into.
 
Follow your heart, follow your intuition. Do you have a "gut feeling" that tells you to do or not do something? Listen to it. Do whatever it tells you. I've made the mistakes of not listening to it in the past and that caused so much worry for me that could have been prevented (the worries turned out to be paranoias as usual, but the fact that they could have been prevented fills my life with regret, as I already worry enough as is). If your heart (and gut) tell you not to get back together with him, then there's a real reason for it; the feeling is not random (it comes from the subconscious, I think?)
 
If you think you can handle it and go in with an thought-out opinion that you will not budge on, then it would be okay to talk to him for closure. Perhaps it might be a good thing to hear him out, but that doesn't mean you should bleed for him.
 
OlLiE said:
i was told, life is like a sailboat, it can only go forwards not backwards

whenever i've broken up with someone, i found that over time the reasons then continued to be valid today, there is always a risk of rationalising the past when one feels lonely or bad today
Click to expand...

Yes - I get that totally - our relationship had its good points and I enjoyed spending time with him but it also took its toll on me in terms of poor communication, loneliness, affected my self esteem. I'd like to go and meet him with a non judgemental approach but there's alot of history - and however one feels when one is lonely and missing someone, tends to cloud judgement and leads to selective amnesia about the bad stuff.
 
Streetwise said:
do
do you honestly expect a man just to want friendship
men and women are designed to reproduce in the right setting or sometimes wrong setting !!!
you cannot block out one of the big factors in relationships between men and women
are you meeting in a public place ?!!
Click to expand...

We're probably going for a walk - I know him uber well and wouldn't worry about my safety - I also know he will respect my boundaries. Yes - there's still going to be attraction there, but that's not enough to make a relationship work and maybe, especially since we're both older and have kids etc friendship would work? I know what you mean Streetwise, but I also think that it's important to think outside the box. We work well together, have many similarities, same interests, I find him interesting - maybe all those things could be combined into something platonic that would be good for both of us? Maybe I am being naive....
 
Thanks for everyone's replies - it's really helpful to run in past real humans rather than just my own head.
You're right Mia there is still something there - I have a deep feeling though that nothing will ever really change. I know he's stopped drinking and that will help - but he has a history of similar problems in relationships. We weathered the storm for these years probably because I need less or different from a relationship than most women, but there are recurrent underlying patterns here that I can't imagine will ever just go away.
I think that's the gut feeling you're talking about Tyrantus - have ignored this at my peril in the past and so this is something it's really good to be reminded about.
This relationship has been on and off for a reason and whilst I want to believe there's been some kind of total transformation, in my heart, I think this is unlikely and I don't want to lay myself out for more hurt.
 
yep its back in my mind, oh goody an earworm and for some bizarre reason i used to hear lyrics like a recording device- my mother was amazed, thats nearly a thing of the past
Ocarina said:
It was - not a very good one. Can't get that song out of my head now!
Click to expand...
 
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