Should I encourage adult son to find a job

[krismorris2019]

Hi! I’m hoping someone out there can help me. I am an undiagnosed aspie/autistic. So is my 28 year old son. He lives at home and is currently unemployed. He worked as a dishwasher for almost 2 years. He quit last December for legit reasons and has not looked for a job since. He just seems stuck. Should I actively encourage him to either go back to school or look for work, or let him be and trust he’ll figure it out eventually? I don’t know the best way to support him and when I ask his answers are vague. Thanks!

 

[Rodafina]

What does he do with his time on a daily basis? Anything that contributes to the household or other family members? Do you have any concerns about depression or other mental health issues?

 

[Judge]

Tough memories. "Stuck" indeed. Sometimes to a point of complete inaction, not knowing what to do.

Yet it didn't keep my own mother from encouraging/pestering me in my own best interest. After all, if not her who else would bother? She was always my best advocate and most trusted friend.

Thinking of even now so many decades ago and how I still think of looking for work as "the bane of my existence", even though once I got a job I usually held it for a long amount of time.

 

[Aspychata]

So why hasn't he looked for a job? Why do you allow him to stay with you and not work?

 

[Outdated]

This is not an autism thing, it's not even a uniquely human thing as all animals will do the same thing - as long as life is comfortable they will resist any and all change. Yes, you need to encourage your son to start standing on his own two feet. Perhaps even a little brutal honesty is called for and you can point out to him that you're not exactly young any more and won't be around to support him forever.

Thinking of even now so many decades ago and how I still think of looking for work as "the bane of my existence", even though once I got a job I usually held it for a long amount of time.

I was exactly the opposite.

 

[TBRS1]

Knowing nothing about the individual, or the details of the situation, I wonder if the reluctance to look for work is at least partially the result of a bad work experience at the job he had to quit.

It's likely that some gentle nudging (but definitely not forcing) might be necessary.

Sometimes external coaching (from a professional therapist) helps. The way a person responds to parental coaching and coaching from an external source can be very different.

You could wait to see if he figures it out on his own, but you might want to set a time limit as to how long you will wait.

If you try waiting, keep the "time limit" to yourself - if you share it with your son it may be perceived as a threat, which is counterproductive, and might cause useless anxiety.

 

[Judge]

I was exactly the opposite.

I was raised in a military household. Where any kind of "defiance" was met with a harsh response. So doing the job was much easier to digest than the "dog and pony show" of having to audition for them.

Made it easier to conform with "occupational culture", even when I didn't like it. Though I thought things along such lines got much better around the early 80s.

Though my NT brother was much like you. No problem with getting the job, but just holding it for any time was another issue for him. Needless to say his relationship with our father was at best, "tense".

 

[Tired]

Not sure why isn't he working if he can, it's never good to depend on someone instead of being useful to yourself and others you care for.

 

[TBRS1]

Not sure why isn't he working if he can, it's never good to depend on someone instead of being useful to yourself and others you care for.

"Why isn't he working" is the question that has to be answered before the question "what should I do" can be answered.

The answer is almost never "because he doesn't want to", even though it may look that way.

The likely reasons why a person doesn't work are:
1. Physical or mental disability
2. Lack of opportunity (location, education, stable living conditions, prejudice against, ect.)
3. This is a special subset of #1 - a result of some form of anxiety disorder.

Autistic folks tend to suffer from anxiety, at least sometimes. This is where I would start looking.

 

[Aspychata]

Why wouldn't you encourage your son to be self-sufficient is what l wish to ask the op.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

When I lost my position a few times plant closing, went back to school. Even when position obtaind continued night school. got second diploma.as a Technician. on top of my current techologist diploma. Further job losses went to night school got certificates in quality engineering, and finally a certificate in quality management. I sort of get your son watched my older brother loss his job mental health issues Boy did he work at obtaining another position. No body would hire him, All they saw was a weird guy I did not know both of us were on the spectrum. Him being a genius did not help. thirty year unemployed retired at 65, passed away from stroke months later Found out after he had thrown out his degree awards. To be ignored, by society. biggest insult.