Sex

[tapian]

Hi all...hoping the blatant post would grab some attention. My issue is indeed about sex, well lack thereof actually. My problem is simply that something is wrong with my bf's sex drive, but since I have only been in one other relationship, that of which was the other extreme in the sex drive department, I am seeking some feedback. How unusual is it for me to wake up in the middle of the night and want it but he is like a machine who only ever wants it at night just as we go to bed and I always have to initiate. The rare occasion where he does is very mechanical. No passion. As if it's a chore. And I will probably have a heart attack the the day the idea of morning sex ever pops in into his head. It's just "goodmorning....boy am I hungry..." And off to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast leaving me frustrated and hurt. He is not normal in that department. I know libido is highest in the morning for most and I am just wondering if I should suggest something to him to enhance our sex lives. There is nothing wrong with me he tells me i am hot and how attracted he is to me but intimacy is not a need for him. Once a week at best. Please everyone help me out here. It's really important to me and I am not sure it's fair of me to be with him but at the same time it would be callous of me to leave him because of sex. He doesnt deserve that. I'm going crazy here.

 

[Craig]

Are you a man or a woman? In either case, have you considered upgrading your relationship to the Polyamorous level?

 

[tapian]

Woman. And I am not familiar with this upgrade.

 

[Craig]

Woman.

I know you said your boyfriend, but these days you can never be 100% sure.

And I am not familiar with this upgrade.

Perhaps better known as Polyamory: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.

If you're not getting enough sex from your partner, perhaps you should discuss with them about getting it elsewhere.

There's no reason you can't get your sex from other sources and not still be together.

 

[Peace]

My Dear,
Healthy relationships are ones that share, give and take. They are also ones where you can talk openly about things. You should be able to discuss this and arrive at a compromise that will bring both of you closer to happiness.
Your desire is neither bad or unusual, and is one that is justified. It is fair to ask your partner for a balance. I am the same as you, and have had to deal with this many times in my life. I have come up with ways of dealing with it so it no longer is an issue.
If you cannot work through this, what will happen when bigger problems come along?
Good Luck.

 

[King_Oni]

Well.. let's not hide the elephant in the room and just put out there what's on my mind to start with; If it drives you crazy this much, why are you still together?

Cut your losses and move on... yes, that is harsh and simplistic, but I don't believe that a relationship should make you feel that you want things you can't get. I'd rather get what I want elsewhere then. Perhaps your boyfriend is (and I assume he is) a wonderful person besides the lack of sexdrive, but you should ask yourself if that's worth staying together for. If you crave sex more than his jokes, his company, his physique, his money, his.. whatever you see in him, then I wonder why you keep up with this.

On the other hand of course; why can't you accept that he will only have sex once in a while and on certain times? You want something out of this relationship he clearly isn't really into. Being attractive (or at least, him being attracted to you) does not warrant unlimited amounts of sex with your partner.

Yes, it's fair to say it isn't normal, since intimacy in general occurs quite a few times weekly looking at statistics and graphs. But then again, some people deviate from the norm. As much as there are people that have sex 3 times a day, there are some that have sex once every 3 weeks. You might just have hit it off with someone who is on the lower side of the bellcurve.

Have you talked to him that you have needs? And that they're lacking a bit and he's part of the problem.

And while I think Craig's option is a valid one, not everyone is open for polyamourous relationships. You would have to have an interest in it, he would have to be ok with it, and you would have to find partners whom you're attracted to and have some kind of personal connection with and who are also open to the idea of having sex with you, and just having sex. Something which for most people is quite hard to find when you're not active in that "scene"/"culture".

 

[nonsensical]

Maybe he isn't sure as to when he should initiate sex. One of the aspects of Aspergers is not being able to read certain non-verbal cues from others, and he might be afraid of initiating out of the possibility of your rejection such as you not being in the mood etc. Also, if the idea of sex in the morning has never come to mind before, he may never think of it unless you make the suggestion. I think you have a lot of work cut out for yourself if you really want this relationship to work. It will never be a "normal" relationship if that is what you're hoping for. Direct communication is the best way of making your intentions clear. Being direct can be a painful & embarrassing experience especially when one is being critical of your sexual abilities (or disabilities). However, I think it's a necessary evil if you ever wish for him to improve. Try not to point out all the things he's doing wrong, but rather- be an instructor who gives clear instructions of what you want and how you like it. He won't intuitively get this, so you need to be a guide for him.

 

[tapian]

Well thanks guys for all the feedback some very good points have been brought up. Craig, I am completely against the idea of polyamorous relationships. I believe it to be wrong and destructive. Couldn't justify being unfaithful to my bf even if he isn't satisfying my needs. It would crush him if he ever found out, for one thing. I just find it wrong, so definitely not an option for me but thanks for the feedback just the same.
Peace, I am very much interested in talking to you more since it sounds like you can relate. I have talked to him about it very directly, I have even said, "I feel like you have a low sex drive and I am becoming very frustrated because of it, and unmotivated to keep my workout up because you don't notice me or want sex like most healthy males in their mid 20's would." To which he got defensive about and said well if you are noticing other guys are noticing you why don't you date them? He is very jealous as I am and he never retains things that I tell him for more than a week it seems. Like I struggle with the fact that after presenting issues or concerns to him he tries to be aware of my needs however small the need may be then its like he just forgets and doesnt care the next week. then it is back to square one. I have even written things down on paper for him so he has a permanent reminder. It was not easy to discuss the sex thing to him but I knew it needed to be done. It just seems to be useless. I even asked him "why dont you make love to me in the morning?" he seemed surprised and was like I do.....don't I? Im like no. I have cried about it many times. It's like he is just clueless when it comes to that topic. Do you feel that sex is mechanical and just an act when it should be a way to express your love? There is never any "warming up to it" or random make out sessions unless I initiate it. We have to be in bed at a certain time of the day.
King Oni I don't want to leave him because of this. I want to try to make it work and that is why I am seeking feedback from people who have experienced this before I "cut my losses". Thanks again everyone.

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

My problem is simply that something is wrong with my bf's sex drive,

Actually, I think your problem is that you think he has a problem. His sex drive works just swell for him. There's nothing wrong with it, it just doesn't happen to match your desires. Don't say a mouse has a problem because it's not a dog and you want a dog, it's not going to change anything. What you have to do is find out how to make what you have work for both of you.

Personally, I have no sex drive, and the first time someone told me something was "wrong" with me because of that, I told them to... do something anatomically impossible. They were very surprised, because "all they wanted to do was help me," and didn't understand why I'd be mad at them when they weren't the one with the problem. You see how condescending that attitude is? Personally, I don't see how I put up with it as long as I did.

"I feel like you have a low sex drive and I am becoming very frustrated because of it, and unmotivated to keep my workout up because you don't notice me or want sex like most healthy males in their mid 20's would."
.....
I even asked him "why dont you make love to me in the morning?"

And this conveys... what, exactly? Have you asked him to have sex with you in the morning, or have you only used these round-about tactics? If someone asked me "Why don't you eat cold cereal in the morning?" that would not be the cue for me to go get a bowl of Cheerios. It's the same thing. You think this is "talking directly" about it, but it's not. Asking someone why they don't do something is not the same as telling them you want them to do it. Even saying that you want them to do it "sometimes" is not a clear indication of when you want them to do it.

Comparing him to "healthy males" is a passive-aggressive dig that says to him "you're not healthy" or possibly even "you're not male." I don't blame him for being defensive, because it is offensive and insulting. It also in no way conveys your desires and gets you no closer to solving your problem.

Say what you want to say with as little emotional clouding as possible and you might get your idea across accurately. Stop with the passive-aggressive jabs and making ambiguous allusions.

Like I struggle with the fact that after presenting issues or concerns to him he tries to be aware of my needs however small the need may be then its like he just forgets and doesnt care the next week.

To some extent I can understand that. I tend to act as though humans are machines; when there's a problem, you fix it, then you're done. Then when the same thing happens again it's like "wait, didn't we already take care of this?"

If you need to keep bringing things up, then just keep bringing them up and stop acting surprised and hurt because he forgets about them after they seem to be "resolved." Repeating the same discussion with the same person and expecting a different outcome is unrealistic (at least in the short term).

 

[pacman]

There are plenty of possible things going on here. One possibility is that he just doesn't have that much of sex drive. If that's the case, there's not that much you can do about it and you will have to just deal with it. He also might just be asexual.

To be honest, this sort of reminds me of how I was with the last and final girl that I dated. I just simply had no interest in ****ing her and would rather do something else like computer programming. However, I had to end that relationship when I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, so I highly doubt if that situation applies here, but it is a possibility.

 

[total-recoil]

Maybe try and spice the whole thing up. Sex is a chemical reaction and nobody is to blame if the spark doesn't ignite. You need to maybe discuss what turns both of you on. I mean, get a bit daring and share all the spicy details. It may even be something like making love in daring situations (where you could get caught), dressing up and taking on roles, experimenting (safely) with other partners and so on.

Hi all...hoping the blatant post would grab some attention. My issue is indeed about sex, well lack thereof actually. My problem is simply that something is wrong with my bf's sex drive, but since I have only been in one other relationship, that of which was the other extreme in the sex drive department, I am seeking some feedback. How unusual is it for me to wake up in the middle of the night and want it but he is like a machine who only ever wants it at night just as we go to bed and I always have to initiate. The rare occasion where he does is very mechanical. No passion. As if it's a chore. And I will probably have a heart attack the the day the idea of morning sex ever pops in into his head. It's just "goodmorning....boy am I hungry..." And off to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast leaving me frustrated and hurt. He is not normal in that department. I know libido is highest in the morning for most and I am just wondering if I should suggest something to him to enhance our sex lives. There is nothing wrong with me he tells me i am hot and how attracted he is to me but intimacy is not a need for him. Once a week at best. Please everyone help me out here. It's really important to me and I am not sure it's fair of me to be with him but at the same time it would be callous of me to leave him because of sex. He doesnt deserve that. I'm going crazy here.

 

[tapian]

Neat Hedgehog, I am simply comparing him with the majority of men in his age bracket. His drive is different from the majority. I am always gentle as possible about my approach I just need to understand why he has been so sexually active in the past from what he tells me and now his drive has just tapered off. He does have a drug history that happened in between me and his last gf but he has been clean for years now. total recoil I dont believe in experimenting with other partners and he is very close-minded about role playing or toys or so forth. Says it feels wrong to him. If its possible we could get caught its too much of a distraction for me so kinfof between a rock and a hard place on that one but thanks for the input.