Selfishness and Hesitation

[nhenke93]

I am 30 years old now and in a bit of a mental crisis. I would like advice..

My life is going amazing. I am about to get married, I own a house, and I have a stable job, among other positives. However, I am struggling beyond comprehension to do.. basically anything that is considered, "normal." In other words, if I enjoy it, I'll do it. If I don't or perceive that I won't enjoy it, I will not do it. Examples include: household chores, recreational activities, money spent on myself, and not thinking about the consequences of my own actions.

I have perfectionism alongside my high-functioning Asperger's. I am terrified of failure, even though I know that's how we learn certain things. I never EVER give myself credit or a pat on the back upon doing something successfully, because I always think I could do better. This makes me feel like a failure, and demotivates me very drastically. Then, inevitably, I will avoid the activity.

I want advice on how to understand that failure is okay. I also want to know how to get past the stubbornness and selfish tendencies and actually help myself by moving away from what I want to do and move towards what I NEED to do. My fiancé has been an absolute ROCKSTAR helping me handle certain things. Now, it's my turn to return the favor but, change is scary, and I am hesitant. I like routine. What do I do?

 

[Kayla55]

Whoever never failed have they really learnt anything? It's our mistakes that guide us.
Take time to congat yourself by comparison to others, take it easy on yourself.
Selfishness can be age specific, it designed for young people to grow themselves before nurture others. It sounds as if you doing well, you overthinking.
Many of us had driving force to be better, due to my ASD I never thought I should have kids as couldn't offer usual package deal, but suprise I seemed good at looking after my kids needs, still wish my family was closer and did more in social skills department I lack.

 

[Xinyta]

Two things to consider:

- Reframe your idea of failure. Failure isn't defined by what we don't do. But what we do and could not accomplish. Failure isn't making a mistake either.

Mistakes happen. Failure will happen. But neither can happen, when you shut it out and not try.

- Normal/Normalcy is a perspective. It's not the set in stone rules, society makes you think they are. There will always be some echo chamber that a group agree on, as 'normal'. But that doesn't mean you need to be apart of it, let alone believe these things. You don't need to believe me either. Normal is what YOU as a person make it. The rest is moral fiber, truthfully.

In truth. Our own minds play tricks on us. The idea that we are failure for things we do not do, or out of our control, is not true. It's not simple to try and disprove these thoughts in our own head.

Fear is hard to justify when we are anxiety ridden and confused. But there is nothing to fear, beyond what is in our own head. But in the end, it's nothing but irrational thinking of our minds over things we do not understand. But to gain understanding. We must break through fear. Fear itself, isn't bad. But allowing it to take over is.

Find a balance between emotion and logic.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

A few words: Insecurity, fear, courage, and responsibility.

I can relate somewhat. Example: The only thing worse than failing miserably, is achieving 99/100, or second place. Another example: At work, part of my job as a respiratory therapist at the hospital is to manage the breathing machines/respirators/mechanical ventilators. The machines need a lot of fine-tuning based, in part, the waveform graphics analysis to tailor the machine specifically to that person, at that moment in time. Perfection is my goal.

Now, here's the reality. We know what we know when we know it. How I tune my ventilators is different today, than say, 5 years ago, which was different than 10 years ago. Still seeking perfection, but years ago, what I thought was perfection, I now know was actually a mistake. Do you see where I am going with this? What I perceive as perfection today, I might find out through learning, that I could be doing things better tomorrow. Dunning-Kruger Phenomenon. We don't know what we don't know.

Perfection is certainly an admirable and desirable goal, but it is highly dependent upon a wide variety of variables, and with experience, becomes both more clear and more nebulous at the same time. The more you know, the more questions you have. I've become more philosophical and realistic about what is "perfection".

Having said that, DO NOT be afraid of making mistakes and having some degree of risk taking. You will learn so much from mistakes and taking risks. Wisdom = Knowledge + Experience + Mistakes. Embrace mistakes and appreciate the learning curve. Intellectual curiosity. "I wonder what will happen if I do this?" Blows up in your face. "Ok, lesson learned." " I wonder what will happen if I do that?" Success.

I also teach respiratory therapy at the university, and more specifically, the neonatal medicine part of the curriculum. Most students are fearful of working with the babies, as some are pretty much fetuses outside the womb, tiny little things that can fit in the palm of your hand, eyes fused, etc. I tell my students, "I will always allow you to make mistakes, but I will never let you hurt a baby." I will allow them the grace to make those little, insignificant, "newbie" mistakes, but I will be their "safety net" that will stop them from making those "big" mistakes that could cause harm. People learn the most from mistakes and "hands on" experience.

Insecurity, fear, and courage: Courage = being afraid and doing it anyways. Have the intellectual curiousity to try new things, perhaps several different ways, and embrace mistakes with positivity, humor, humility, and grace.

Responsibility: Doing things that need to be done whether you want to do them or not. How you feel about it is irrelevant. Being able to manage and control the emotional side of your brain is key. Having something to work towards is also key. It might be saving up for a new car, a new home, a big vacation, or building up your retirement accounts. You have to have certain long-term goals in place, have a plan, and get at it. Nobody plans to fail, most just fail to plan.

 

[Judge]

Autism compounded by perfectionism. A "tricky" combination.

The good news is that clearly you are self-aware of your own dilemma. You also understand how destructive being a perfectionist can be. (I'm a perfectionist as well, being acutely aware of how my OCD can impact my sense of perfectionism.) To have a sense of reality of your situation is very important.

All that said, there is one element of the equation that may carry the most weight. Simply put, do you have an occupation that objectively dictates that "failure is NOT an option" ? I had such a job for many years as a property/casualty insurance underwriter. Dealing with making decisions over large assets and large liabilities. Where a mistake could potentially result in a catastrophic loss of corporate assets along with losing my job. On occasion something I witnessed among my coworkers who were promptly terminated for cause.

So in my own case, having such a job for nearly two decades certainly "colored" my ability to downplay my own sense of perfectionism. That if you are employed in such a capacity, it may not be in your best bet to get too comfortable with a notion that failure can happen and that it's ok if and when it does.

Of course if you do not have a job or circumstances in life where there are alternatives to unfortunate events, then that's another matter. Where it might be good mental health to accept the possibility of failure from time to time.

Better still perhaps, to understand that no matter how hellbent you may be at succeeding at everything you face, that there will always be circumstances beyond your control that ultimately dictate a negative outcome. Such as the ups and downs of any economy. Something I had to deal with perpetually when I chose to devote the last decade of employment to being a private investor in the stock market. Where my sense of perfection was more often than not, simply a moot point.

Beyond this, I have nothing more to offer you. That there are some things that may lead to failure, and other things that in fact may be within your control to consistently succeed at. Perhaps most important is what you already have, IMO. A keen understanding that things can potentially go wrong, and that there will always be circumstances beyond your control to thwart a guaranteed outcome. And that a sense of perfectionism can be inherently taxing at times, always at risk given the dynamics of "Murphy's Law". That anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. That much is true. - One perfectionist to another.

Though in my own case, much of my behaviors are compulsive and pathological...beyond my control to mitigate. If you don't have OCD, I'd say you are in a better position to mitigate your own life to varying degrees.

Your best asset seems to be your own sense of self-awareness. That perfectionism is always a "double-edged sword". That's a good thing to be aware of. Well done.

 

[jsilver256]

That's a lot to unpack here and I'm not sure of the specifics here. Are you beating yourself up for not doing household chores? Or is this a more broad "I'm not pushing myself on my life's goals" dilemma?

If it is about household chores and other menial obligations, I empathize as one of the reasons I was dragged to therapy was because I was locking myself in my bedroom wearing pajamas all day when I wasn't at work.

There is a very real cost to ASD people in engaging in those. It's not just about "selfishness," there is a genuine cognitive overload involved. The way I've dealt with this was, first, organize and label everything in big print. I basically threw out 80% of my clothes and swapped them with identical versions of the same outfit. It was hard as hell, but just a couple days' of work in the end.

But once all the subconscious stress of having to pick clothes and get dressed in uncomfortable clothes was gone, I never wore pajamas all day again or immediately changed my work attire to pajamas and got in bed. And with everything being labeled, I was able to easily move around the house and navigate a lot more daily behavior with confidence that I wouldn't cause myself undue stress looking for things, not lock myself up in the room.

I then just learned that I don't function if the floor is dirty. So I bought a SharkVac which is quite easy to use and just make it part of my daily routine. Same with making my bed.

Then, we have a housecleaner who comes over every couple of weeks to take care of the big ticket cleaning items. That leaves just laundry to do.

Now, if you're talking about a more broad fear of life's goals - that's another thing altogether.

 

[Tom]

There is a lot there. Too much to address in a forum like this even if we had the ability and qualifications. It's good to note none here are professional counselors, etc. For the most part just ASD people just like yourself. If you haven't already I would encourage you to seek professional mental health help. Talk to your GP and get a referral to a mental health specialist. Hopefully, it will begin the process of getting assistance with these issues.

Getting professional help is very common these days and especially with ND folks. It may hurt your pride but first lesson: No one's perfect. Learning to accept that in yourself may also help you understand others better.

 

[nhenke93]

Thank you all for the responses.

There's always that little voice in my head that tells me, "Hey. This is the right thing to do, and it will benefit you in the long run. Yeah, you might fail at first, but that's all part of life."

Do I listen?
Most of the time, nope.

I am more worried about old habits. They will not die. Once I make an effort to correct them, I am successful, albeit for a limited time. Then, I'm right back to where I've started.

Goal-setting has ALWAYS been an issue. My goals are unrealistic, and almost always impossible. I overthink waaaaaay too often. I try so hard to make the goals "perfect" and wind up failing, thus making my mindset all warped. I'm also DREADFULLY impatient. I want things done asap, so I can move on to the next thing without even thinking. Most of the time, I find doing anything tedious and outright annoying. Even the things that should be considered "fun" I don't enjoy anymore because of the impatience.

To clarify, I am a truck driver. I haul petroleum. (Gas, diesel, etc) I absolutely love what I do. However, there is no room for error. I have adapted the "all or nothing" thinking... the "black or white, no gray" thinking. In the profession, it's allowing me to be successful. Everyday life? Nah.

Tl:dr, I am stubborn, impatient, have "all or nothing" thinking, and unreasonable goal setting. I'm incredibly hard on myself and always have been.

Therapy sessions will be beginning once again soon, but I would like to know what YOU do for goal setting and gray thinking.

 

[NB79]

Some things you said resonate with me, like doing things only you like, and that of accepting failure.
Have you read about 'PDA'? maybe some of this has a label already idk.

 

[AspieChris]

I have struggled with the exact same problems, and also am lucky to have married a saint. The one thing that has really helped me for a couple of decades (other than alcohol…) is this:

Always have a back-up plan. That way it’s impossible to fail.

What happens if my car has a flat tire when I need to go to work? I have a spare tire.

If I burn dinner? Take-out food.

Bad haircut? I planned on shaving it all off one day anyway (just to see if I liked it). I guess today’s the day

——————

If it’s something that I could screw up, I plan at least one solid fix before starting the work. No backup plan? No work. And sometimes the backup plan is going to be a heart felt apology.

It’s not a perfect plan, but it stops me from suffering that soul-crushing anxiety that I feel as soon as my brain puts together the time that I have to finish or fix something, and how little time I have left to do it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

What you are describing is a lot like I felt when I was your ago. I know that's a trite thing to say there at the end, but I am 70 and remember by 20s and 30s well.

About your goal setting. Right now it is failing because your goals are too big. You need to break them down into smaller, bite-size pieces. Pick one and try it. I know, you are likely saying, but they are all important and I can't pick just one. I get it. But if you can do that now, you will be miles ahead of me when I was your age. (sorry about that phrase again.)

About housework. It sucks. What is worse, is that you can get your whole house clean and in 15 minutes it needs another cleaning. Dishes? What drudgery. I'm lucky, right now I live alone and clean when I feel like it. If you are getting married, that won't work. For drudgery stuff I put on some energetic music, or even take a hit of caffeine and get at it. When I feel like it.

Failure? You just need to do more of it. Failing I mean. It takes practice before us perfectionists can get failure right. Make mistakes. Identify them as mistakes. Make as many as you can and eventually, mistakes and failure just become part of the background of daily life. Also, don't expect this to go away soon. I am a perfectionist and still have trouble with it. (And if course, if other lives depend on you, do not make mistakes in those areas. But other areas are fair game.)

As always, with whatever I write, take what you need and leave the rest. I have no ego in this advice. Just stuff learned from my direct experience.

 

[mw2530]

There seems to be a lot of negativity around have a tendency of being a perfectionist. I think a perfectionist is even one of the enneagram personalities. Each personality brings along its own strengths and weaknesses but it does seem like perfectionism is only looked at negatively rather than recognizing the positive aspects. Hey, maybe we are focusing on the negative aspects since we are perfectionists, lol. To get really good at something, it tends to help be helpful to have some obsessive tendencies and a perfectionist mindset. So it is often a positive when it comes to careers. My guess is many professional athletes are perfectionists - not that many people are professional athletes but you get the point. Sure, it can be an Achilles heal when we neglect to take care of important tasks that we don't care about because we are focused on what we find more enjoyable or valuable. I don't think anyone nearing the end of their life thinks, boy if only I had done more cleaning or household chores my life would have been so much better. That is my biggest regret. But I suppose not doing chores could strain relationships with people you live with, so that could become a regret.

 

[NB79]

perfectionism is bad imo, is attractive but is impossible and probably is going to cause you stress or worse, i was like that but renounced, better try to do the best you can and not be a perfectionist i suppose.