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Selfish and cold?

Pedro

Pedro

Well-Known Member
Have you ever been called selfish, cold and such?

I have by my mother and recently by my girlfriend. They weren't arguing with me though. It was for my own sake, I suppose. Still, I have no clue why they see me that way. I see myself quite differently. I guess I shouldn't mind it.
 
Countless of times. Selfish, not so much, but there are certain situations that word came into play- but if you talk to me about it, I'll immediately fix it out of consideration. I really consider myself to be an overtly nice person in that sense, but if you don't communicate maturely and be logical, perhaps to some it comes off as self-centered.

However, cold seems to be a common complaint. With boyfriends, it's been a massive source of problems. Family and former friends have had their share of complaints as well. I don't consider myself a cold person by any means, but I find that one trickier, since I can't find an obvious way to "fix it". I think fixing requires some more abstract, emotionally involved requests that I'm not the best with. Or maybe a solid request is a bit more uncomfortable for them to ask. I'm not so sure.

However, I do feel like the people that do understand me aren't the people making most of the complaints, or taking either especially personally. I still have issues with them, yes, and it still confuses and bothers both parties, but unless they communicate something clearly and in a mature way- I learned it's not worth bothering with.
 
yes and yes, but I warmed up and became better with a better support system in my social contexts :)
 
One of my GFs noticed that I lack the generosity that she expected one should naturally have. I was too self centered and only had "technical" knowledge of empathy. I talked a lot about me having great empathy but I failed to express that empathy in a body language way that get to her heart. I was a bad reader of her body language too. So I can relate to what you say there.
 
Pedro said:
Have you ever been called selfish, cold and such?

I have by my mother and recently by my girlfriend. They weren't arguing with me though. It was for my own sake, I suppose. Still, I have no clue why they see me that way. I see myself quite differently. I guess I shouldn't mind it.
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It's something i'd say is very frustrating - Those with AS i've met have been EXTREMELY sensitive. My younger brother with AS constantly came to my room to ask if i wanted anything when i broke my food and he looked really really upset about it all.

I have a feeling this may come from lack of facial expressions at time from those with AS, or perhaps their tone?

It may be worth asking them exactly why they feel you are 'selfish and cold' so you have an area to work on to appear not too, if you so wished :).
 
I feel like it has more to do (at least in my end) with lack of demonstrated empathy and reciprocal emotions...
basically, just a lot of misunderstandings. I get really uncomfortable in extremely emotional situations and am not sure how to properly react sometimes- I end up making inappropriate jokes or coming off as really blunt. Or sometimes don't pick up on them at all.
But if you're clear about it, I think I do okay.
 
Yeah, I've been called this many times.

Personally, I think they are fair comments.

When I upset people and they explain what I've done wrong. The whole "I still don't understand why you're upset" and looking confused doesn't make me look too great.

In all fairness though, I tend to tell people I meet that I lack empathy and don't understand the emotional context of life.
 
I often say, I feel sorry but there're other things I'm thinking, thinking, thinking - if I don't feel anything at all.
 
I feel like it's part of the aspie package.
Even if we don't intend it, we seem to sometimes come across as being empathy-less and selfish.
It's funny I don't see that in myself either, unless I REALLY analyze my own behavior.
The thing is, we DO care about people, of course. We just don't articulate it or display it like others do.
 
I've been called selfish plenty of times before. I suppose it's because I used to think of myself before I thought of others, or in words put myself first. In one sense I would accept that but then again, if you spend most of your life by yourself then naturally you will prioritize yourself over others. Now though I have been making progress with socializing and I try to think of others and lookout for them.
 
I don't think I've been called "selfish" to my knowledge, but "cold"? Definitely more than a few times. Actually, a very close friend of mine said to me that when she first met me, she thought I was "cold and aloof", which surprised me because that's not how I perceive myself. Apparently my close friend didn't quite like me when she first met me, but obviously things have changed between us!

I'm not entirely sure why I'm called "cold". I think it could be due to my body language and facial expressions. According to a few people, I have a rather "flat" expression on my face most of the time. My therapist used to find that a bit perturbing but got used to me, while a former supervisor used to find it puzzling until she realised I was paying attention to her and it didn't bother her anymore.
 
As far as I know I haven't been called or referred to as "selfish" and I would hope that others don't see me that way. I've been told that I come across as "cold" though, lots of times. The thing is though, I do care about people and don't like to see anyone upset; I just don't know how to make them feel better and so am reluctant to try at risk of inadvertantly saying or doing something that might upset them even more.
 
I have heard this many times, "cold", "selfish", "self-centered". I do not entirely see this in myself or recognize it overall.

Yes, I may come across as cold at times I admit; I tend to operate in a more logical sense when dealing with some things. I do not see this as a problem.

My personality is that I am quiet and introverted. I always have been. I believe people misinterpret this.

On the other hand, when I get to know someone, love or care for someone, my "warmth" blooms and it feels quite natural to me to be expressive and forthcoming. A lot of it has to do with trust issues with me I think.

Even when I am "warm" (in my own view of myself) people will still actually have the audacity to call me "cold". I find this rude and unsympathetic.

I refuse to be "fake", that is, to adopt an alter-ego that fits the NT world-view. I consider so much of society and human interaction to be purely fake and I abhor it and would really, in that case, rather be alone with my cat. It is sad but true.
 
NeverEnder said:
My personality is that I am quiet and introverted. I always have been. I believe people misinterpret this.

On the other hand, when I get to know someone, love or care for someone, my "warmth" blooms and it feels quite natural to me to be expressive and forthcoming. A lot of it has to do with trust issues with me I think.
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With me, I don't have trust issues but I can appear to have some. I feel like emotions like love and openness will already leave you in a vunerable position, but with so many misunderstandings and things blown out of proportion (in my eyes anyhow), I often find myself rather timid to express them readily. I feel like I'm more sensitive than people take me for sometimes.

But at the same time, I absolutely hate said vulnerable emotions expressed so casually- without any meaning behind them. Like when people insist you say I love you on every goodbye, hyper-cheesy moments and when romanticism becomes somehow commercial in real life. Because I don't succumb to said fakery, somehow my emotions are less real? This makes no sense to me, but somehow this is the social norm and I just have to accept it or be weird.

Not sure if any of that made sense to anyone else, but yes. I agree with miscommunications. :p
 
kasmanaft08 said:
With me, I don't have trust issues but I can appear to have some. I feel like emotions like love and openness will already leave you in a vunerable position, but with so many misunderstandings and things blown out of proportion (in my eyes anyhow), I often find myself rather timid to express them readily. I feel like I'm more sensitive than people take me for sometimes.

But at the same time, I absolutely hate said vulnerable emotions expressed so casually- without any meaning behind them. Like when people insist you say I love you on every goodbye, hyper-cheesy moments and when romanticism becomes somehow commercial in real life. Because I don't succumb to said fakery, somehow my emotions are less real? This makes no sense to me, but somehow this is the social norm and I just have to accept it or be weird.

Not sure if any of that made sense to anyone else, but yes. I agree with miscommunications. :p
Click to expand...

Yes, this makes sense.
 
kasmanaft08 said:
But at the same time, I absolutely hate said vulnerable emotions expressed so casually- without any meaning behind them. Like when people insist you say I love you on every goodbye, hyper-cheesy moments and when romanticism becomes somehow commercial in real life. Because I don't succumb to said fakery, somehow my emotions are less real? This makes no sense to me, but somehow this is the social norm and I just have to accept it or be weird.
Click to expand...

I don't like the symbolism, either... Unless I do them myself! Haha
 
kasmanaft08 said:
But at the same time, I absolutely hate said vulnerable emotions expressed so casually- without any meaning behind them. Like when people insist you say I love you on every goodbye, hyper-cheesy moments and when romanticism becomes somehow commercial in real life. Because I don't succumb to said fakery, somehow my emotions are less real? This makes no sense to me, but somehow this is the social norm and I just have to accept it or be weird.
Click to expand...

I don't have much patience for any of that stuff either. I think that's part of why I loved this commerical parody (I don't think I've posted it here before):

 
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