Self Confidence

[Progster]

To others it's all personal. As what they say has a social rank, or something they need to feel approval for within their group.

Yes, I never got why people take having a different opinion to them personally.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Yes, I never got why people take having a different opinion to them personally.

I get it, a little.

They construct social identities.

So their social 'I' Is who they are.

A lot of conversation is a representation of who people are for social affect.

Ie people within a certain group may like to represent themselves as liberal so their 'I' says liberal things.
So that within the social context the message is - im not dangerous, i have similar values to you, we can relax.
If I suddenly represent the far right...... the social interpreation of what i say is contentious.
The group view of my social 'I' becomes very negative.

The trick is that your normal NT, they dont necessarily make the same distinction between what we say(and what it means) and who we are.
I guess the social construct of 'I' is very delicate and hard to maintain hence why you can get all that self affirming stuff in groups.
Also explains violent reactions when that image is threatened.

If my whole idea of who i am is socially based, dependant on others, from day one -it is hard to imagine the perspective of another who did t build their 'self' in the ssme way.

Stopping there as im losing myself in ideas

 

[LucyPurrs]

Self Confidence is a broad concept. More then one way and factor to it. But one method of generating some is setting goals and working towards them and then completing them. Doesn't have to be huge, and starting small is sometimes the best idea. Getting one success under your belt helps you then go onto the next. It never really stops... you never totally get there, but you develop belief in yourself and that is enough.

A wider experience/knowledge base can help in conversations. Being too focused on limited subjects reduces conversation opportunities and length.

Boy Tom do I ever agree with you! I used to think that "if I can only accomplish x, then I'll feel better about myself." But I've found out that accomplishing "x" is never quite enough and something else pops up in it's place. But I have developed some belief in myself by overcoming certain things (like quitting smoking, travelling by myself in Asia, keeping my head in emergencies while scuba diving). So feel better about myself but have kind of given up on becoming someone I can admire.

 

[Progster]

I get it, a little.

They construct social identities.

So their social 'I' Is who they are.

A lot of conversation is a representation of who people are for social affect.

Ie people within a certain group may like to represent themselves as liberal so their 'I' says liberal things.
So that within the social context the message is - im not dangerous, i have similar values to you, we can relax.
If I suddenly represent the far right...... the social interpreation of what i say is contentious.
The group view of my social 'I' becomes very negative.

The trick is that your normal NT, they dont necessarily make the same distinction between what we say(and what it means) and who we are.
I guess the social construct of 'I' is very delicate and hard to maintain hence why you can get all that self affirming stuff in groups.
Also explains violent reactions when that image is threatened.

If my whole idea of who i am is socially based, dependant on others, from day one -it is hard to imagine the perspective of another who did t build their 'self' in the ssme way.

Stopping there as im losing myself in ideas

Thank you for replying. I still don't fully get it, perhaps because I don't experience this social 'I' - I don't have a social image or identity. I like rock music, but I don't get upset or take it personally if someone else doesn't like it. To my mind, it makes sense that people are not going to all have the same opinion or like the same things, and I find it strange and illogical that people take differences in opinion or taste personally.

 

[Tom]

Boy Tom do I ever agree with you! I used to think that "if I can only accomplish x, then I'll feel better about myself." But I've found out that accomplishing "x" is never quite enough and something else pops up in it's place. But I have developed some belief in myself by overcoming certain things (like quitting smoking, travelling by myself in Asia, keeping my head in emergencies while scuba diving). So feel better about myself but have kind of given up on becoming someone I can admire.

Yes, something I realized about myself is I can always blow it. Situations will always arise that will test you. Having faced something before, or something similar is often a big help but no guarentee. You always still have to pull something out of the now, call it it spirit to face things. On the flip side, having failed before and then got back up again to try again, can also strengthen you. Failures shouldn't sap your will.

 

[Tom]

I'm thinking situations like relatives coming to visit at Christmas time. If I don't talk to them, they think that there's something wrong with me and want to know why I'm not talking... but I have nothing in common with them and nothing to say, it's awkward. NTs have this issue too with relatives, but they are a lot better at making small talk and polite conversation. I suck at this.

One method is just asking questions. Doesn't have to be meaningful, just simple stuff, like how are you doing, how is work, how's the dog, whats the winter been like there? People often will respond positively to someone showing interest, even if its just superficial. And you will stumble accross the occasional person that loves to talk about themselves and you won't have to worry about awkward silences... just breaking away to get food and use the restroom.

 

[Progster]

One method is just asking questions. Doesn't have to be meaningful, just simple stuff, like how are you doing, how is work, how's the dog, whats the winter been like there? People often will respond positively to someone showing interest, even if its just superficial. And you will stumble accross the occasional person that loves to talk about themselves and you won't have to worry about awkward silences... just breaking away to get food and use the restroom.

I know that you are supposed to ask them questions about themselves, but I find it hard to come up with questions when I'm on the spot, and I really hate these superficial, pointless small talk kind of questions, it's boring and feels so kind of fake because it's forced, this is why I hate forced social interaction - I'm not interested in them and they aren't really interested in me, so what is the point? I have noticed that whenever I see my aunt and uncle in the UK that they always ask me loads of these superfical questions and I absolutely hate it, they drive me mad - usually I'm with my mum or sister and they rescue me. I'd much rather not be in that position in the first place. It wasn't so bad when I was a child because I wasn't expected to join in the conversation and I didn't mind so much, but as an adult I'm expected to talk and join in with the others, but I find it very hard, and they don't know about my Asperger's.

 

[Judge]

How does one keep conversations going? All my life I have struggled with self confidence

My initial response to such a question is that for myself, I consider them mutually exclusive of one another. That I can manifest self confidence in a number of ways and specific circumstances. However do I consider there to be an absolute solution to indefinitely maintaining conversations? No, not IMO.

Mostly because I'm apt to think for most of us this remains an inherent struggle, between those of us who are "hardwired" to struggle with it versus those who may have a bit more "latitude" in conversational skills.

That we might be able to employ certain skills or tactics to help ourselves to varying degrees of success. However the basic issue itself is not likely to ever go away, at least in my own case. That real-time conversations will always remain daunting for me if the subject matter is relative- and inconsequential.

 

[Tom]

I know that you are supposed to ask them questions about themselves, but I find it hard to come up with questions when I'm on the spot, and I really hate these superficial, pointless small talk kind of questions, it's boring and feels so kind of fake because it's forced, this is why I hate forced social interaction - I'm not interested in them and they aren't really interested in me, so what is the point? I have noticed that whenever I see my aunt and uncle in the UK that they always ask me loads of these superfical questions and I absolutely hate it, they drive me mad - usually I'm with my mum or sister and they rescue me. I'd much rather not be in that position in the first place. It wasn't so bad when I was a child because I wasn't expected to join in the conversation and I didn't mind so much, but as an adult I'm expected to talk and join in with the others, but I find it very hard, and they don't know about my Asperger's.

I hear you. But as it stands I see a conflict without resolution. You don't want to do the social work, so to speak, but do not like the resulting opinion people have of you as a result.

 

[ftfipps]

I have a horrible time thinking of what to say or do next. I do online role plays, and sometimes I get messaged with "aren't you going to do anything?" and I have to honestly reply "I have no idea what to say or do." Conversations routinely die. I hate small talk. My conversation needs to have a purpose, but once I've talked out that purpose, that's it. Another one dead.

Hey Catalyst. These online role plays you mentioned, this sounds interesting to me. Please explain further and what is the Website?

 

[ftfipps]

In my experience, conversing with other people is pointless if you think you have AS or have been formally diagnosed. Keep your conversations with other people to a minimum if you can. I see it like this, my social skills as an aspie is a teaspoon of water compared to an ocean of NT social fluency. We aren't wired for superficial interaction somehow.

 

[Catalyst]

Hey Catalyst. These online role plays you mentioned, this sounds interesting to me. Please explain further and what is the Website?

One I did was SnitchSeeker.com, which was forum-based. One is a Star Trek Mirror Universe chat-based one called Maquis Universal. It's 6 chat rooms, which one you chat in is based on where your character is, and is completely in character. Info on it is found here: StarTrekMUTwoPointOh on DeviantArt and the chatrooms are listed under RPG Material, I believe. Then I do two Google Docs with the same two people. Those are invite-only, since it's just our group, but those are 2e D&D, and GURPS Supers.

 

[techlife95]

In my experience, conversing with other people is pointless if you think you have AS or have been formally diagnosed. Keep your conversations with other people to a minimum if you can. I see it like this, my social skills as an aspie is a teaspoon of water compared to an ocean of NT social fluency. We aren't wired for superficial interaction somehow.

I am weird because Life is weird Nothing wrong with being weird in Life I have a autism brain

 

[Beverly Kamin]

I get it, a little.

They construct social identities.

So their social 'I' Is who they are.

A lot of conversation is a representation of who people are for social affect.

Ie people within a certain group may like to represent themselves as liberal so their 'I' says liberal things.
So that within the social context the message is - im not dangerous, i have similar values to you, we can relax.
If I suddenly represent the far right...... the social interpreation of what i say is contentious.
The group view of my social 'I' becomes very negative.

The trick is that your normal NT, they dont necessarily make the same distinction between what we say(and what it means) and who we are.
I guess the social construct of 'I' is very delicate and hard to maintain hence why you can get all that self affirming stuff in groups.
Also explains violent reactions when that image is threatened.

If my whole idea of who i am is socially based, dependant on others, from day one -it is hard to imagine the perspective of another who did t build their 'self' in the ssme way.

Stopping there as im losing myself in ideas

This is very insightful. Sometimes I feel unsure of what to say in conversations. I have gotten better at not being afraid to go up and talk to people, but it can be daunting in large groups.

 

[NinaB]

I would love to take some lessons on small talk specially for work and study environment Anyone knows if there is such thing?