TouhouFan28
Member
TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions abuse, suicide, self-harm, unpleasant topics and TMI.
TLDR: I did horrible stuff in my childhood and past. This includes childhood friends, exes, and animals. Crying activates the same part of my brain as seeing something cute. I don't feel guilt, I don't feel grief. I know my actions are monstrous, am I a psychopath? Should I seek therapy?
Morality has always been difficult for me. I've always pushed it down and told myself, "It's because I'm autistic!" But I know deep down it's not. Being completely honest with myself, I enjoy seeing pain. Emotional or physical. This has stuck with me through childhood and it's something I can recognize now.
Growing up, there was multiple instances of this apathy. But most notably was when I was in 3rd grade. I was a manipulative bully towards this one girl. To everyone else, we looked like best friends but in reality it was more like a hostage situation. She was a huge people pleaser and it didn't help that she found me attractive. I isolated her from her friends, cut her sock, made her give me money so I could buy a toy, made her cry several times and even slapped her, I spread false rumors about her to her friends. There's more, but I can't remember it all. The reason why she didn't leave me is unknown. I really don't know. Maybe I was charming and funny back then, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I didn't feel sorry for her at all. In fact, I loved the adrenaline rush of seeing her cry. I loved the feeling of seeing her defend my actions, seeing her cover up for me.
To further add to my psychopathic actions: when my sister was an infant I would constantly pinch her hard until she'd cry. I loved the sound of it. I would lock her in dark rooms to hear her panic, I would cover her mouth if she cried so she'd cry louder. I would constantly play scary videos, I would purposely mess up stuff like her username so she'd get annoyed and cry. This wasn't limited to just my sister. I did similar things to my niece's and nephews. I was good at making kids laugh so the adults usually trusted me to take care of the littles ones at parties. I remember acting scary/possessed so they'd be frightened and cry. I would wrestle roughly with them. I would tell them to do stuff that I knew would get them in big trouble. For example, I told a nephew of mine to piss in a toy bucket knowing his mom would explode on him. I was a bratty kid back then, my mom and I would constantly argue (It's usually my fault) and my mom would cry. Seeing my mom cry didn't invoke feelings of guilt, but gratification.
Some recent examples is my savior complex. I have this habit of dating mentally ill women. I would present myself as this savior, mature and morally correct individual that will be their final secure healthy lover. But in reality, it's so that they'd trust me easier. The only thing I can remember from my ex girlfriends are when they're sobbing. I would love to hear my girlfriend vent because usually they'd get emotional and cry. An ex girlfriend of mine cheated on me, seeing her sob and apologize profusely overran any feeling of betrayal I had. I remember reminding her of her infidelity so she'd feel guilty again. I would write paragraphs of "how much it hurt me" so I can see the guilt and quiver in her voice.
In my other partners, I've faked suicidal and self harming actions to hear their concern and tearful pleading. They'd beg me "Don't kill yourself, I love you so much" In that pleasant vulnerable voice. I would buy them gifts, compliments, do more than necessary so I'd have more ammo to enlarge their guilt. Such as: "I gave you flowers at every important event, and yet despite all that, you still did this to me?" "I tolerated your flaws, and this is what I get?" It was really effective.
With animals, when my dogs we're a puppy (so like 7-8 years ago?) they had big attachment anxieties. I would put them in a room away from my family. I would put a gate on the stairs. I would be too rough with them like throwing, hugging too hard or putting them on the ledge of a table so I can see them struggle to pull themselves up. I would 'pretend' choke my dogs but clamping my hands lightly around their neck and flexing my muscles (this didn't choke them.) I would say to them, "one day, I'll eat you." "I'll be the one to euthanize you." I know they don't speak English. I would also watch those videos of rat exterminations especially the ones where they used canines.
Sometimes I'd look on twitter and see videos/photos of women or men cutting themselves or attempting to hang themselves and I'd drool. Seeing the blood pulse out, and the disappointed look on their face. I remember seeing this one video of a young Japanese woman being interrupted by her mom mid-attempt and the sounds of pleading, sobbing and crying by both her mom and her filled me with amusement.
To me, crying and fear invoke the same part of my brain as seeing something cute. Seeing/making a baby, dog, or a person cry gives me that rewarding feeling.
Now, I know. I'm a monster. A complete, monster. Luckily, I'm on good terms with my sister and the girl who I bullied. I no longer do that to my dogs. I just don't feel guilt at all. I know what I did was wrong, and thinking back on it makes me feel bad. But what I feel isn't guilt. It's more pity: "I wish she was smarter." Rather than, "I wish I didn't do that." I'm selfish. I want to be a good person. Everybody thinks I'm a good righteous person yet it's a lie. I was thinking of going to therapy but I'm scared that they'd condemn me.
Now, I don't think I'm a psychopath nor a sociopath. Nothing traumatic happened to me for me to be a sociopath and I cry at emotional movies (like Coco) and I've cried when my girlfriends broke up with me and when I'm hungry. Yet, I've never felt grief. When my great-grandmother and grandpa died my whole family wept for weeks but I didn't. They were really involved with my childhood especially my great grandmother and yet I didn't feel a thing seeing their bodies wither away in a hospital bed. Yet ironically enough, nowadays, I would say I'm morally good. I believe in LGBTQ+ rights, liberties for countries at war, hard feminist, advocate for racial equality, etc. But I still get that excitement feeling, and I still don't feel guilt or grief. If you've read this far thank you!
TLDR: I did horrible stuff in my childhood and past. This includes childhood friends, exes, and animals. Crying activates the same part of my brain as seeing something cute. I don't feel guilt, I don't feel grief. I know my actions are monstrous, am I a psychopath? Should I seek therapy?
Morality has always been difficult for me. I've always pushed it down and told myself, "It's because I'm autistic!" But I know deep down it's not. Being completely honest with myself, I enjoy seeing pain. Emotional or physical. This has stuck with me through childhood and it's something I can recognize now.
Growing up, there was multiple instances of this apathy. But most notably was when I was in 3rd grade. I was a manipulative bully towards this one girl. To everyone else, we looked like best friends but in reality it was more like a hostage situation. She was a huge people pleaser and it didn't help that she found me attractive. I isolated her from her friends, cut her sock, made her give me money so I could buy a toy, made her cry several times and even slapped her, I spread false rumors about her to her friends. There's more, but I can't remember it all. The reason why she didn't leave me is unknown. I really don't know. Maybe I was charming and funny back then, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I didn't feel sorry for her at all. In fact, I loved the adrenaline rush of seeing her cry. I loved the feeling of seeing her defend my actions, seeing her cover up for me.
To further add to my psychopathic actions: when my sister was an infant I would constantly pinch her hard until she'd cry. I loved the sound of it. I would lock her in dark rooms to hear her panic, I would cover her mouth if she cried so she'd cry louder. I would constantly play scary videos, I would purposely mess up stuff like her username so she'd get annoyed and cry. This wasn't limited to just my sister. I did similar things to my niece's and nephews. I was good at making kids laugh so the adults usually trusted me to take care of the littles ones at parties. I remember acting scary/possessed so they'd be frightened and cry. I would wrestle roughly with them. I would tell them to do stuff that I knew would get them in big trouble. For example, I told a nephew of mine to piss in a toy bucket knowing his mom would explode on him. I was a bratty kid back then, my mom and I would constantly argue (It's usually my fault) and my mom would cry. Seeing my mom cry didn't invoke feelings of guilt, but gratification.
Some recent examples is my savior complex. I have this habit of dating mentally ill women. I would present myself as this savior, mature and morally correct individual that will be their final secure healthy lover. But in reality, it's so that they'd trust me easier. The only thing I can remember from my ex girlfriends are when they're sobbing. I would love to hear my girlfriend vent because usually they'd get emotional and cry. An ex girlfriend of mine cheated on me, seeing her sob and apologize profusely overran any feeling of betrayal I had. I remember reminding her of her infidelity so she'd feel guilty again. I would write paragraphs of "how much it hurt me" so I can see the guilt and quiver in her voice.
In my other partners, I've faked suicidal and self harming actions to hear their concern and tearful pleading. They'd beg me "Don't kill yourself, I love you so much" In that pleasant vulnerable voice. I would buy them gifts, compliments, do more than necessary so I'd have more ammo to enlarge their guilt. Such as: "I gave you flowers at every important event, and yet despite all that, you still did this to me?" "I tolerated your flaws, and this is what I get?" It was really effective.
With animals, when my dogs we're a puppy (so like 7-8 years ago?) they had big attachment anxieties. I would put them in a room away from my family. I would put a gate on the stairs. I would be too rough with them like throwing, hugging too hard or putting them on the ledge of a table so I can see them struggle to pull themselves up. I would 'pretend' choke my dogs but clamping my hands lightly around their neck and flexing my muscles (this didn't choke them.) I would say to them, "one day, I'll eat you." "I'll be the one to euthanize you." I know they don't speak English. I would also watch those videos of rat exterminations especially the ones where they used canines.
Sometimes I'd look on twitter and see videos/photos of women or men cutting themselves or attempting to hang themselves and I'd drool. Seeing the blood pulse out, and the disappointed look on their face. I remember seeing this one video of a young Japanese woman being interrupted by her mom mid-attempt and the sounds of pleading, sobbing and crying by both her mom and her filled me with amusement.
To me, crying and fear invoke the same part of my brain as seeing something cute. Seeing/making a baby, dog, or a person cry gives me that rewarding feeling.
Now, I know. I'm a monster. A complete, monster. Luckily, I'm on good terms with my sister and the girl who I bullied. I no longer do that to my dogs. I just don't feel guilt at all. I know what I did was wrong, and thinking back on it makes me feel bad. But what I feel isn't guilt. It's more pity: "I wish she was smarter." Rather than, "I wish I didn't do that." I'm selfish. I want to be a good person. Everybody thinks I'm a good righteous person yet it's a lie. I was thinking of going to therapy but I'm scared that they'd condemn me.
Now, I don't think I'm a psychopath nor a sociopath. Nothing traumatic happened to me for me to be a sociopath and I cry at emotional movies (like Coco) and I've cried when my girlfriends broke up with me and when I'm hungry. Yet, I've never felt grief. When my great-grandmother and grandpa died my whole family wept for weeks but I didn't. They were really involved with my childhood especially my great grandmother and yet I didn't feel a thing seeing their bodies wither away in a hospital bed. Yet ironically enough, nowadays, I would say I'm morally good. I believe in LGBTQ+ rights, liberties for countries at war, hard feminist, advocate for racial equality, etc. But I still get that excitement feeling, and I still don't feel guilt or grief. If you've read this far thank you!
