Respect your Spectrum kids!

[Spiller]

Whooo, it's been awhile since I was last postedly present.. and I'm afraid I haven't currently the capacity to be lucid and communicative for long periods, I'm sorry my good friends.
This post concerns one aspect of my absence - as far as I can guess, stress/shutdown/meltdown.. pretty vague, huh.
So goeth the Aspie Way..

So..

I have been the recipient of some criticism regarding my 11 year-old sons behavior around adults.
They say he's not respectful - even as they treat him as less than they.
They say he interrupts as they talk over him and ignore his input.
They say he refuses to listen when they tell him off for inane things without explanation.
They complain he does his own thing when he should be interacting with others.
They criticise him for being fixated on small things, seemingly to the exclusion of the larger picture.

I'm advised to send him to boarding school or consider pressing him to join the Armed Forces or employ harsher punishments.

Some of what I see in him indicates AS/ASD traits, though I'm no expert. His difficulties, coupled with the complaints against him smack of similarities with those of diagnosed children - misbehavior, stubborness, intolerance to certain things..

As a parent on the Spectrum I'm aware that this whole area is often ignored and misunderstood. As a person who was ignored and forced to self diagnose and develop my own coping strategies over decades, I want to be able to offer my son actual, usable advice I was never offered but had to find for myself.

Does my child have Aspergers or is he imitating me as his sole parent?

How do I tell the difference?

How, as an Aspie myself, do I treat him as I 'should', according to those vague, NT applied, generally accepted parenting tactics?

I've been told I don't enforce 'standard boundaries'. No-one will discuss this, it seems I'm simply expected to know.
He is my friend, who also needs my guidance and direction till he's old enough to make his own decisions - and he's always done plenty of that!
He's a strong-willed adult in a childs body and to treat him with less respect is to lose his respect for you and his cooperation.

He and I get along so well.. I wish others would examine their own attitudes toward him.. maybe they'd see that the problems are actually theirs.

 

[royinpink]

YOU'RE ALIVE! Also hey, hello, yaaay!

I'm at work so really shouldn't write a long reply, but I will say it's highly unlikely he's "imitating you." I think Asperger's is kind of hard to fake. And that kids who aren't on the spectrum with parents who are tend to think their parent is the weird one, not someone to be imitated, at least from what I've read.

 

[Sass]

Whooo, it's been awhile since I was last postedly present.. and I'm afraid I haven't currently the capacity to be lucid and communicative for long periods, I'm sorry my good friends.
This post concerns one aspect of my absence - as far as I can guess, stress/shutdown/meltdown.. pretty vague, huh.
So goeth the Aspie Way..

So..

I have been the recipient of some criticism regarding my 11 year-old sons behavior around adults.
They say he's not respectful - even as they treat him as less than they.
They say he interrupts as they talk over him and ignore his input.
They say he refuses to listen when they tell him off for inane things without explanation.
They complain he does his own thing when he should be interacting with others.
They criticise him for being fixated on small things, seemingly to the exclusion of the larger picture.

I'm advised to send him to boarding school or consider pressing him to join the Armed Forces or employ harsher punishments.

Some of what I see in him indicates AS/ASD traits, though I'm no expert. His difficulties, coupled with the complaints against him smack of similarities with those of diagnosed children - misbehavior, stubborness, intolerance to certain things..

As a parent on the Spectrum I'm aware that this whole area is often ignored and misunderstood. As a person who was ignored and forced to self diagnose and develop my own coping strategies over decades, I want to be able to offer my son actual, usable advice I was never offered but had to find for myself.

Does my child have Aspergers or is he imitating me as his sole parent?

How do I tell the difference?

How, as an Aspie myself, do I treat him as I 'should', according to those vague, NT applied, generally accepted parenting tactics?

I've been told I don't enforce 'standard boundaries'. No-one will discuss this, it seems I'm simply expected to know.
He is my friend, who also needs my guidance and direction till he's old enough to make his own decisions - and he's always done plenty of that!
He's a strong-willed adult in a childs body and to treat him with less respect is to lose his respect for you and his cooperation.

He and I get along so well.. I wish others would examine their own attitudes toward him.. maybe they'd see that the problems are actually theirs.

Hey you!

Your parenting style sounds much like mine, and I think people often think I'm not 'mothering' correctly. My kids are people, and also they're people who I would like if they weren't my kids.

 

[watersprite]

First, glad to see you.

Second, if this is too simplistic apologies.

Agree that respect for the person (who is an immature version of their future self) is Important. I also parent with this in mind: in the forefront of my mind, always comparing what I went through with what they might be experiencing. However, we (kid 1 & kid 2) are not first and foremost friends and when they, for ex., pick the wrong battles, I tell them point blank. I also tell them that while I LOVE them, that my job is to be parent which sometimes means I say No to a behaviour or a request.

People have often "assisted me"by informing me that I should stop speaking to my children as though they are equals. I say why shouldn't I.
Edited to add I have single parented for 22 years.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Hello my friend. Been thinking about you daily.

I've been told about the "boundaries", too. With no explanation of what said boundaries are or how to enforce them.

I've also found with my son, whom we believe is on the spectrum, does better when treated more gently. Force doesn't work with him. It just throws up walls between us. Trouble is, I find it so hard to control my own strong emotional reactions to things... So we butt heads a lot.

This year he has been getting into trouble at school for the first time. He has been hitting and kicking other kids when he is overexcited... At sports training he plays around as well, even though he is miles ahead of the other team members in both skill and enthusiasm for the sport. He isn't trying to cause trouble, he's just so excited he can't keep it together. But to other kids it could seem like he is teasing or even bullying them. This is beyond my field of experience as I was always doing anything I could to NOT stand out.

But (thanks to some info from royinpink) I've been learning about breathing to give my brain time to shift from my reptile brain to my frontal lobes, and I'm passing this onto my kids. So things are getting a little bit better.

Now this technique of changing my own behaviour as a parent first is not the traditional way, despite it being more effective and also preparing them for their future adulthood. There are going to be people who think it is wrong and who think a firm hand is the best way. But I was dealt a firm hand as a kid and it just taught me to hate my parents... It didn't teach me to respect them! You can't beat respect into someone.

(I just realised I spent ages talking about myself again... Sorry...)

You are doing the right thing, Spiller. Your son is not imitating your behaviour any more than any other child does. It's nothing to do with being Aspie. The doubters will keep doubting, and give their unsolicited "advice" (i.e. complaints)

Have you looked into seeking a diagnosis? Do you think it would benefit him?

And very importantly, how are you coping when you receive these criticisms? Are the criticisms directed at your son, or are they directed at you? How does it make you feel? How do you react?