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Relationships

Merahj

Merahj

Active Member
I have not had any success with relationships. I have been in a couple of long term relationships but they all seem to end badly. One of three things happen, they think I dont care enough and leave, they take advantage of my Asperger's syndrome and become mean or they try to push me into something.

I am currently dealing with the latter. I am trying to get to know someone and he is pushing for a more permanent arrangement. I am not ready. I have told him I am not ready. Now he is becoming very rigid about my male friends. I am not happy with this. I have told him and he started getting angry. Yes, I was probably too blunt. However, if anyone has any advice to clean up this mess, I am open to hear it.
 
IMO, it's time to say...NEXT! You don't need anyone pushing, controlling or otherwise not respecting your needs and wishes. You are an adult, and deserve autonomy and support. Forgive me if I sound too blunt, but I have been talking to my sister, who tells me her daughter has been involved in yet another domestic violence scenario. No woman should have to put up with crap just to be in a relationship! If this person is not a good fit, then it is time to try something else. I hope you can get this situation to a healthier place, and remember that we are here for you!
 
The best advice is the knowledgeable advice from someone who knows more about your situation than that.

Why do you need a relationship? I mean, if you aren't ready for a permanent or long term setting, why date? Don't you think dating is a process working towards something permanent? When you think about it, no one likes break ups and if you don't want to have a permanent relationship, you will always be wanting an out which will lead to more problems. If you don't want one that is longer term right now, why are you dating? What's wrong with being single?

Also, a partner being against you having friends of the opposite gender is neither abnormal nor unfair. Maybe if you had more details you could specify how far he goes with it but you can't be against it just because it goes against what's comfortable and convenient to you. That's not how relationships (good ones) work. If you aren't focused on mutual respect and trust as well as dedication and love... Why are you dating?

Knowing these things are important to getting out of your problem. You can spend your life cutting the tips of the weeds off over and over or you can make the effort to get in and uproot it from the source.

This is how it works, take it or leave it but I don't have problems like this anymore because I did the work and study. I wouldn't mind helping if you really wanted to get down to the root of the problems.
 
First, I never said I didn't want a relationship. I said I am trying to get to know someone who is pushing for a more permanent arrangement. I have only known this guy for a few weeks. I am not committing to date him at all, much less be in a relationship. Second, these people he wants me to stop talking to have been friends for years. The gender makes him nervous. I would get rid of the man before the friend. And honestly, I don't need to be in a relationship. I ha entry been for 3 years and I am fine. This man approached me and instead of shutting him down and hurting his feelings, I gave him a chance. However, with his demands and no care for what I want or need as an Aspergirl, I think I will tell him to shove off like garnet said. Thank you for you input.
 
Ah! That's a detail you didn't mention before. It's kinda important.

The standards should be in direct proportion to the time invested which means that at only a few weeks, it's too soon to start expecting anything that large without mutual agreement. You didn't say how long you've known or been dating him before and that's really an important detail that works in your favor, so don't forget that and don't take it the wrong way when someone who is trying to help asks you for details.

I had a friend who did this very same thing with the girl he was dating. He knew here only for a week or so and was demanding she dedicate at least an hour of every day to talking with him and that she needed to leave her kid with a family member at least once a week so they could spend time alone. He was a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but nice doesn't equate to mature or confident. I told him that he could not do that, it was too needy and demanding and it turns dating into a chore.

I'd say that the number one thing to open with is honesty and communication but guard against manipulation. A guy will say anything to get what he wants so you make sure he can't talk his way out of it. You set a boundary because, yes, he's asking too much and if h doesn't respect that- dump him.

Based on the limited information you have given, it seems like he is either insecure on the selfish side or insecure on the naive side. But based on the little amount of info given, this problem doesn't inherently mean he's a bad person so give a level of grace when discussing it. If he's just young and inexperienced, he needs to learn and he never will if you don't tell him what he's doing wrong. If he's a jerk, you'll know if you keep a close eye out on the sense of entitlement.

And I wasn't trying to stir you up, but you can't ask for relationship advice on a public forum from a bunch of strangers without
1) giving way more information than you did. So be prepared for some questioning and don't get defensive or take it personally.
2) getting advice that is more like cutting the head of the weed and won't help you learn for the long run.
 
Oh good. I wasn't sure.

But yeah, take it from a guy with experience- he's asking way too much. Either get him to chill or dump him. Just make sure he knows why.

If he gives you problems just send him my way. I'll politely straighten him out. There is a propriety in how men should treat ladies but it's a dying art.
 
Therein lies the problem. I already told him. Twice now. He isn't getting the message. And I assuse you I am being clear. Yes more clear than my post. He just kreps getting upset and bothering me the next day.
 
ChurchTheArtist said:
If he gives you problems just send him my way. I'll politely straighten him out. There is a propriety in how men should treat ladies but it's a dying art.
Click to expand...

And thank you for this offer if he doesn't hear me when I tell him, I am through. Then I will take you up on it.
 
Ah yes. That is a major problem and I can see your dilema now.

How old is he and how old are you? Does he work with you or go to school with you? How does he bother you; text, call, Facebook, in person?

There are some steps you can take that don't have to be drastic but may get through to him depending on the details of the situation.

Oh and do you have a brother or a dad? The most old fashioned and timeless way is for another guy to pull an Andy Griffith and politely put the fear of God in the guy with a smile.
 
I am 38 and he is 34. He does not work or go to schook with me. He stops by my apartment which of course freaks me out. I don't like unexpected company. It can cause a meltdown. I feel like now, I should mention that I told him I have Asperger's. He also texts and calls. I hate the phone. Texting is a little better but not much. I won't give him my facebook. Unfortunately I have no brother and both of my parents have passed away. I am going to talk to a friend from college that is on the police force tomorrow after I talk to him. This is only if it goes poorly. We will have to see what happens. For now my phone is off and my doors are locked. I need to decompress before I can deal with him.
 
Sounds like a good plan. Unfortunately it's more likely that he's doing this out of being a jerk, not being naive. Unless he's also autistic, it's not very likely he has the innocence to be doing this out of lack of understanding of communication boundaries. Not at that age.

Block his number for one thing. But yeah, talking to a friend in the force is a really good idea because you may get some muscle support without causing a really big scene or fuss.

The guy will probably tell you a lot of bad and hateful things after you do all this but I'd like to offer a bolster against it. Though I don't know all the details- based on what I've read you are well within your rights to warn him, block him, seek a cop on him and file a restraining order against him if he persists. Doing this would NOT be extreme or radical so don't listen to him when he start accusing you. Combating a harassing guy does NOT make you a bad person. You do everything you can to ensure your safety. Get a couple of cans of mace. I say a couple because I see so many women who buy a can and never try it and get familiar with it. Get a few practice cans and learn the spread, range, button resistance and get muscle memory for using it so you don't fumble in a panic if you need to use it. Also remember that if a guy is in range and deserves it by not taking a clear warning, jerk that knee up between his legs as hard as you can and don't stop until you go clear through his stomach with the knee.

You seem to have a good idea of what to do. When you talk to him, do it in public in a well populate area with a busy parking lot and have a friend on standby, staked out in the parking lot with a pair of benoculars and a bat. If you go to a coffee shop and get there early, tell the baristas what the situation is and they may keep an eye and ear on you. You don't want a group of witnesses who were all too busy to pay attention. Keep calm, don't go too far and let him make all the mistakes and have plenty of witnesses. Stay safe and good luck.
 
Merahj: I am worried now. You say that this guy is harassing you by not taking no for an answer? Do you have friends who could defend or protect you? I was once harassed in a similar situation. I had joined a dating club and agreed to one date with this guy. I didn't feel that we were compatible and I felt no attraction whatsoever so after that one date I politely told him that I had a good time but didn't want to see him again. He started phoning me daily, and once he showed up at my home and started pounding on the door. I phoned my father and gave him this guy's phone number and address. Voila! No more harassing. :smilingimp:
 
I can take of myself self defense wise. He would be hard pressed to do anything and my apartment complex has security. I just want him out of my life. If he presses me he will find himself in jail. I don't play around with my safety. I was a victim of domestic violence once and only once. I said no one else will hurt me and that has been the case. I just want him to understand that he and his misogynistic tendencies are not welcome here.
 
In all honesty it just doesn't sound like you're ready for a more intimate social interaction with much of anyone, let alone this guy. And that's ok.

Too many classic concerns that I think really require the other person understanding. Which IMO remains a "tall order". Whether he might back off or simply exit the situation altogether I can't say. But if you want him even partially in your orbit it may be best to be honest about who you are and tell him as best you can.

I live in relative isolation, and keep all my social contacts within my own control. So I can relate. I've never established any relationship through dating myself. Only through long-term friendship and trust. It's not easy...I get that. But needing to explain it to others can be daunting, and with unpredictable results.
 
Merahj said:
I can take of myself self defense wise. He would be hard pressed to do anything and my apartment complex has security. I just want him out of my life. If he presses me he will find himself in jail. I don't play around with my safety. I was a victim of domestic violence once and only once. I said no one else will hurt me and that has been the case. I just want him to understand that he and his misogynistic tendencies are not welcome here.
Click to expand...
I am glad to hear that you can defend yourself. Nobody should have to put up with that sort of thing!
 
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