Relationships with men with bad mothers

[megacomic]

I honestly cant help with that scenario. Except to tell maybe there is a vibe you give off that attracts that kind of man. Every woman I've seem to catch the eye of are serious go-getters with Ivy League degrees. Most of these however make a huge miscalculation regarding my personality. They deduce that simply because I'm quiet and keep to myself that I am a docile pushover. But I'm actually strong willed I speak when I want and I don't mince words.
I myself am far more attracted to creative easygoing artsy women and nerdy gamers but I cannot for the life of me get those type to notice me. I find kindness a very attractive trait because when I'm with a kind person I tend to grow kinder as well.

 

[Crossbreed]

I wonder, among Aspie men with mother issues, how many had either:
- An NT mother,
- A mother on the spectrum,
- Or a narcissistic mother.

I [have] a loving, huggy, humorous mother. I suspect that she has ADD, though. My wife seems to have ADD, too, but she lost all interest in me with the onset of her depression.

My LFA daughter and MFA son still appreciate hugs.

 

[megacomic]

As an Aspie male my relationship with my mother was rough. My mother loves me alot, I mean like ALOT. But she wasn't able to be there for me in my formative years due to her drug problems so I was sent away to live with relatives that treated me like a pariah due to my origin. So while I'm not a narcissistic sociopath many would say quite the opposite I'm very much like a glass of iced tea where all the ice floats on top and all the sugar and sweetness is sunken at the bottom.

 

[Katleya]

I [have] a loving, huggy, humorous mother. I suspect that she has ADD, though

I'm not quite sure, in that case... do you feel that in spite of this, you are nevertheless an Aspie man with mother issues?

I was just trying to separate this particular set of men from the set of Aspie men who had healthy relationships with their mother. To see if there was a pattern in there.

 

[Crossbreed]

do you feel that in spite of this, you are nevertheless an Aspie man with mother issues?

I guess not.

I mentioned women with father issues in another thread. That [when I was single] it was an area that I would take a closer look at, no matter how strongly I was otherwise attracted to a lady.

My premarital checklist was:

1. Both of us are eligible
2. Mutual attraction
3. Compatibility

So many people jump in at #2, but mutual attraction doesn't guarantee compatibility or that those differences could ever be resolved. (And that is very frustrating!)

The quickest way to spot his underlying "mommy" issues are:

• How does he treat women, generally (besides you, his love interest)? Pay close attention to his reaction to newly-introduced women acquaintances. Is he charming/chivalrous/kind or defensive/guarded/cynical with them?
  
• Does he seem to be angry about a large number of women (that he knows personally), or just a select few?

 

[wight]

Yes, I am the daughter of two narcissistic parents.
My therapist was the one who pointed out that, well, I was choosing from a difficult crowd. But how do I order my self to feel? How am I suppose to have some rationality on how, and towards whom, I fall in love to?
I’m being rethoric...

Perhaps, you have answered your own question about "breaking the pattern".

Are you able to rationally examine your own feelings: what do I really feel? Are those feelings wishful thinking, or can I think of concrete events that happened to justify that feeling?

can you set them aside and objectively examine the relationship: What is my background, what is his? What have I done in the relationship (actions), what has he done? Is sex (actual or wished for) clouding my judgement?

This is not easy to do, I just got done extricating a person from my life that was chaotic and toxic, but I didn't see it until too late. In retrospect, the signs were there, I just never really looked at them. It takes conscious effort, because it is so easy to have a blind spot when emotions are involved.

 

[Sabrina]

On breaking the pattern...
A letter to you, my love | Asperger's & Autism Forum

 

[WereBear]

One thing I do know is that men with personality disorders have some kind of radar that detects women who will fall for their 'charm'.

It helped me when I realized this "charm" is often quite deliberate and calculated.

The reason they are so exciting! is because they make themselves into the Perfect Partner. Deliberately in the case of the sociopath, more unconsciously in the case of someone lonely and needy, they will be whoever-they-need-to-be to pull another person into a relationship.

I think I'm more aware than most because I got a real jump-in-the-time-machine kind of training where I was coached in projecting Southern Belle so I wouldn't "scare men away" with my intelligence and independence. This never sat well with me, even though I saw women who had been faking their personality for years. I was able to move to a different part of the country where my true qualities were part of my attractiveness. I found potential dates in people who were confident enough to match wits and appreciative that I shared interests.

This is key to having an authentic relationship. We have to be ourselves and they have to be themselves.

When we are uncertain of our lovability we can try to fake the qualities we think are required. Or we find traits with which we are already familiar and find them attractive because they are not good qualities, but they are known qualities. Always in every tough childhood is the primitive magic thinking that if "we get a do over" the outcome will be different "this time" and then all the hurt will go away and this magic task will be "done."

Only it doesn't work that way. If we are attracted to, and attracting, people who turn out to be trouble, we are the ones who need to fix ourselves. Which is far better than fooling ourselves.

Messed up people fall in love, too. But it's almost always with other messed up people. Then they just magnify each other's troubles under the illusion that they can help.

When you, @Sabrina , demand better of your own self-image, people who are "more together" will become exciting to contemplate knowing better.

 

[Crossbreed]

It helped me when I realized this "charm" is often quite deliberate and calculated.

When I said "charming" in my previous post, I wasn't referring to the manipulative kind. I was referring to the cordial variety.

 

[Ragnahawk]

Another thing in common: they made me feel important and needed.

Signs that they had problems and that they had gotten over it: they all, sooner or later, said their mothers treated them badly or neglected them. Always, I underestimated the issue, thinking that it could be solved,or that it was solved, or that it didn’t affect our relationship.
I don’t underestimate it any more.

Also, that they are exciting, different. It’s like I can’t be attracted to a guy that it’s boring. It’s like being 16 instead of 43.

I don't know if it helps but a similiar situation my mother had a affair, left us and then divorced my dad.

I find myself being very careful about relationships. Too careful maybe? I really just want something that will last until I die and avoid divorce all together. This makes me clingy and can't take rejection very well. The last girl I dated bowed out so I cut it there not expecting for it to be a solid relationship anymore. I think it may be ASD females have a higher probability of securing a relationship then males. All mine have kind of ended in failure.

 

[WereBear]

I warned her to get away from him or else he would end up killing her. She said, "I can change him."

Because, at first, sociopaths can be a dream come true. They think nothing of wearing a mask until they get what they want...for weeks, months, years.

So they are basically addictive: they can be impossibly perfect because it is an act. They are what the victim wants. Until, they aren’t anymore.

 

[Sabrina]

Because, at first, sociopaths can be a dream come true. They think nothing of wearing a mask until they get what they want...for weeks, months, years.

So they are basically addictive: they can be impossibly perfect because it is an act. They are what the victim wants. Until, they aren’t anymore.

I was thinking about that this morning. Some people can try alcohol, and no problem, others, become alcoholics. It's as if the guy is the alcohol, and I am the alcoholic.

Just as it doesn't mean that alcohol makes everyone addicted, not everyone falls in love with this type of guy. But I'm the kind that does. Which means that next time, when I see the red flags, I won't think "he's like that, but I can stay friends with him, and that's it", just like an alcoholic says "just one drink never killed any body, nothing happens".

I knew with who I was dealing. I knew it the very next day of starting to text. I actually told him the equivalent of "I'm an alcoholic, I can't have even one drink of you", but sure enough, a few minutes later I said the equivalent of "Oh well, one drink won't hurt", and the rest is history.

Things happen for a reason, though. I hadn't felt loved for many years, and he made me feel loved. I was desperate for the emotional intimacy that I didn't have in my marriage. He gave me that.

In reality, I needed him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had the courage to end up a marriage that was terrible for me and my kids. Now we have a house where we feel safe, where there's peace. And that is the best gift of all.

"No good marriage ever finished in divorce", I recently heard. People sometimes think that divorce is terrible, and it's because they are not able to see the suffering of the wife (or the other partner), or because they are unable to see that the so called "good marriage" that everybody sees (even their own children) is just a facade that it's brewing more, and worst, horrible stories for the future. I used to be afraid of what my husband could end up doing during any of his Mr. Hyde's episodes. Now, I am not afraid anymore. I can breath in peace.

I am glad that, for this time, I didn't follow the warning signals of the person that was flirting with me. If I had, I would most probably still be living with my ex husband, and the mere thought of that, makes me shiver. There isn't a single day that goes by, that I am not glad that he is not living with us anymore.

Now, for the future. No more exciting guys that had bad mothers. Next time, I will run the other way. Why? Because I want to have a real, stable relationship. That's why. I don't need excitement anymore.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I was thinking about that this morning. Some people can try alcohol, and no problem, others, become alcoholics. It's as if the guy is the alcohol, and I am the alcoholic.

Just as it doesn't mean that alcohol makes everyone addicted, not everyone falls in love with this type of guy. But I'm the kind that does. Which means that next time, when I see the red flags, I won't think "he's like that, but I can stay friends with him, and that's it", just like an alcoholic says "just one drink never killed any body, nothing happens".

I knew with who I was dealing. I knew it the very next day of starting to text. I actually told him the equivalent of "I'm an alcoholic, I can't have even one drink of you", but sure enough, a few minutes later I said the equivalent of "Oh well, one drink won't hurt", and the rest is history.

Things happen for a reason, though. I hadn't felt loved for many years, and he made me feel loved. I was desperate for the emotional intimacy that I didn't have in my marriage. He gave me that.

In reality, I needed him. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had the courage to end up a marriage that was terrible for me and my kids. Now we have a house where we feel safe, where there's peace. And that is the best gift of all.

"No good marriage ever finished in divorce", I recently heard. People sometimes think that divorce is terrible, and it's because they are not able to see the suffering of the wife (or the other partner), or because they are unable to see that the so called "good marriage" that everybody sees (even their own children) is just a facade that it's brewing more, and worst, horrible stories for the future. I used to be afraid of what my husband could end up doing during any of his Mr. Hyde's episodes. Now, I am not afraid anymore. I can breath in peace.

I am glad that, for this time, I didn't follow the warning signals of the person that was flirting with me. If I had, I would most probably still be living with my ex husband, and the mere thought of that, makes me shiver. There isn't a single day that goes by, that I am not glad that he is not living with us anymore.

Now, for the future. No more exciting guys that had bad mothers. Next time, I will run the other way. Why? Because I would like to have a real, stable relationship. That's why. I don't need excitement anymore.

This post is a WINNER!!!!!!

 

[CWard12213]

Yes, I am the daughter of two narcissistic parents.
My therapist was the one who pointed out that, well, I was choosing from a difficult crowd. But how do I order my self to feel? How am I suppose to have some rationality on how, and towards whom, I fall in love to?
I’m being rethoric...

I might have an actual answer to your rhetorical question; date other types of men. Love at first sight is BS. You might be attracted to a certain type of guy, it doesn't mean you can only love a certain type of guy. Love is a feeling that comes gradually from comfort, trust, time, and shared experience. You will never fall in love with a "different" type of guy if you never date a "different" type of guy.

 

[Kari_Cookie]

I don't know if it helps but a similiar situation my mother had a affair, left us and then divorced my dad.

I find myself being very careful about relationships. Too careful maybe? I really just want something that will last until I die and avoid divorce all together. This makes me clingy and can't take rejection very well. The last girl I dated bowed out so I cut it there not expecting for it to be a solid relationship anymore. I think it may be ASD females have a higher probability of securing a relationship then males. All mine have kind of ended in failure.

I think no matter how careful about relationships, we still can’t predict how others would think or act. Things are changing all the time. We wouldn’t know if a relationship can last life-long until we die. And there are a lot of things can happen during such a long time. And it’s possible that she doesn’t leave you by her own mind(car accident, etc). So I think there’s really no guarentee. I think it’s more important to find inner peace: that a person is able to be peaceful and happy no matter who he with. Maybe when you try to be more relax with relationships, things would get better.

 

[Fitzo]

@Sabrina the really difficult problem with these types of guys is that even if you are aware and on guard for red flags, in the early stages of the relationship you can't be sure whether you've met a sociopath or Mr Perfect.
The qualities that they exude which may be indicators of potential problems, can be highly desirable in a 'healthy' individual. They are often (or appear to be) intelligent, attractive, exciting, charismatic, confident, successful, great lovers, generous, talented etc. etc. etc. They seem to be really interested in you and value you for your own qualities, which is all part of their MO, and before you know it you think you've met your soul mate! What woman wouldn't want all those things in a partner? And how many would turn their back on all that without being certain what they were dealing with?

By the time they show their hand, it's too late! Which is precisely why they get away with it time and time again.

Even if you decide to avoid everyone who shows those characteristics, how do you convince your heart to settle for the 'guy next door'? I could never manage it! As much as I might like the guy next door, he just didn't get my pulse racing. And then I was terrified I'd end up hurting him! I HATE hurting people! It causes me enormous distress as well.

My only advice would be........if he seems to good to be true he probably is!
I hope you find a great guy who's the real deal.

 

[Crossbreed]

They are often (or appear to be) intelligent, attractive, exciting, charismatic, confident, successful, great lovers, generous, talented etc. etc. etc. They seem to be really interested in you and value you for your own qualities, which is all part of their MO, and before you know it you think you've met your soul mate! What woman wouldn't want all those things in a partner? And how many would turn their back on all that without being certain what they were dealing with?

All that is true for the deliberate manipulator. My above test would expose a unannounced misogynist.

 

[Fitzo]

All that is true for the deliberate manipulator. My above test would expose a unannounced misogynist.

But that's the whole point, they never act like misogynists! They're far too clever for that!

Why would they? Women supply them with all their narcissistic needs. Sex, adoration, status, respectability...... and quite often even money. When they realise you're starting to wake up to them they just tell some plausible lie to keep you guessing. It's called 'gaslighting'. Most of the time you don't know it's over until they've walked out the door and moved on to the next one.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Fitzo , I agree with you about narcissists. I am describing the misogynist who is generally critical of women and sets his aversion aside in the interest of appealing to a mate. That kind will continue to be derogatory toward women other than his love interest.* And he will treat her the same way once his sexual needs are met.

In marriage, he may see his wife and her children as taking his money, rather than people he is committed to caring for.

Your narcissist maintains a long-term facade. A general misogynist does not.

*He might say something like, "I think that most women are jerks, but YOU are different."

 

[rainfall]

@Sabrina I don't believe I have anything to add but wanted to thank you for writing this insightful post. Through your words and those of others I've learned a bit more about myself.

@Crossbreed Your description is so accurate of my ex husband. That's exactly the way he is. He was my first and only relationship and I was very naive. He had a horrible relationship with his mother as I did both of my parents. (My dad is also one with his mother being the only good woman on this Earth.)

Everything was a woman's fault, even bad drivers. Funny thing is most of those turned out to be male and he still maintained his stance. (I'm not saying the majority of males are bad drivers, just illustrating my point with an example from the past.)

His contempt for me continued to grow so there was a constant push and pull dynamic until it was fairly clear he only wanted me sexually and no relationship. That was the only time he'd attempt to treat me decently and would return to loathing me immediately after. I recognized the pattern quickly and even brought it up to him. He was also unfaithful. He would have dreams of me being that way to him and was always trying to accuse me of what he was (unknowingly to me) already doing.

He wanted a woman he could control or constantly argue with, mentioning his exes in that regard and when I refused by forgiving him and continually trying to make things work, he left.