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Relationship troubles need advice/insight

Cqualt

New Member
Long post : part1

His version :

Guy1 (35, boyfriend) has adhd and cptsd, meets girl, girl (30, autism) and guy never ever have a problem get along and very compatible lots of things in common

She has a male best friend Guy2 (38, male friend) who has been low key obsessed with her, he was 26 when she was 18 when they met and during those years has been trying to be with her sexually/romantically during that time frame and has also lived with her separate room majority of that time, Guy1 perceives that Guy2 has potentially groomed her. The advances advanced so much to the point he yelled and screamed at her when she said she sees him as a brother and to never ever say that again, walked around naked in the house with his genitals exposed numerous times, despite her saying to wear pants and please stop he continued (before dating Guy1)

When meeting she expressed that he has made advances but nothing has ever happened as she's expressed she doesn't want to, guy gave benefit of the doubt and tried to be his friend, on Guy2 birthday Guy1 gave him a present with a card and everything, Guy2 said "you don't have to be fake nice to me Aslong as u treat her good were fine" which was found insulting

Her mom shortly diagnosed cancer and passed shortly after diagnosis, Guy1 met the mom and connected strongly immediately for 2 months before pass and loved Guy1.

Guy1 helped her (and Guy2) move to her mom's place to take care of her dad (severely disabled in a wheelchair)

Guy2 appears to make inappropriate rude comments from time to time such as :

She lays head on Guy1's lap: "it looks like she's giving you a blow job"

Her back hurts : "geez I thought maybe Guy1 blew you back out by having sex with u last night"

Guy1 kills spiders and cleans up garage for them : "I can just imagine you in there waving your arms around screaming"

Guy1 buys hooks and rope to hang things in garage took girl to store to buy them (Guy1 paid for) and knew what it was for, when arriving back home Guy1 says "okay I'm gonna go get it started now" to help, her reply : "oh.. Wait... Let me just call Guy2 and just to see if that's a good idea.." despite knowing what was already happening, Guy1 raised concern that it felt like she was calling her bf to get approval for it, she expressed it could have been anyone she just needed to aks someone

Guy2 said" it doesn't take much to measure up to her exes" coming across as an insult whether it was a compliment or not.

Guy2 owes her $10,000 over 3 years has not paid a single dollar despite having a pay out, lived rent free last 4 months without any payment despite works fulltime and paid rent prior house.

Guy1 somewhat lived with her, dad and Guy2 expressed how long is he going to live here? Because it would make sense that Guy1 moves in so him and her can save money for holidays, wedding etc especially if Guy2 isn't paying his debt or taking care of her dad.

1 night playing a board game after her mom's passing, Guy1 offered to buy to buy her food because obvious reasons, Guy2 says "ull learn, ull eventually know it's either chicken strips or pizza, it's okay ull get the hang of it" found it insulting as if he knows her better she should be with him, shortly after she replies "I'm so lucky you love me Guy2" Guy2 overrides Guy1 and buys pizza. Guy1 is upset says brb need air and leaves 40mins, 40mins later come back and locked out, girl opens door and says "Guy2 said he say you go to bed" obviously wasn't true. Expressed that it was a lie and perceived it done on purpose.

Guy2 calls her everyday after work 30+ mins calls to see how her day was and what his day was like and what she wants to do for dinner etc (something a boyfriend would do) despite living together, she's expressed she doesn't like the calls but continues anyway

Guy1 and girl watching movie, Guy2 walks in and interrupts talking endlessly to the point the movie had to be paused until he was finished, then proceeded.

Whenever she has a nap on the couch after work Guy2 will endlessly talk, Guy1 asked why does he do that, she replied because he doesn't like it when I nap because he thinks it's unhealthy, I expressed that it's wrong and it shouldn't matter what he wants or thinks etc and that it's rude and inappropriate.

Whenever Guy1 came home would always say hello and how his day was to Guy2, seemed unreceptive with short answers "yeah was good, things fine, just focusing on myself" etc numerous days in a row, Guy1 finally tries to let him initiate conversation, no conversation was initiated numerous days and stayed awkwardly silent

When expressed how long is Guy2 going to live here? She said he has a 5 year plan, Guy1 said that's way too long, what about our 5 year plan? How do you expect to have a relationship like that and it's unfair because Guy1 has things to move in with Aswell and its not fair Guy1 pays rent for 5 years while Guy2 doesn't pay anything, compromised to 2 years, then shortly again by the end of the year, the stressed and anxiety is too much for Guy1 considering circumstances and expressed he cannot do this relationship unless he's told to please find a new place so we can be together like a normal couple asap, she said that Guy1 doesn't love her and that he's a liar otherwise he'd stay(if googled is gas lighting) , after Guy1 has lived everyday riddled with anxiety expressing he just can't do this numerous times, she perceived that they were threats to control and gain advantage over situation

Guy1 expressed a boundary early in relationship :
Thinks its unhealthy to air dirty laundry about your partner to close friends and that should be done to a therapist instead because it paints a false image of the partner to friends and awkward future events where a therapist would null that, would be unbiased opinions, and actually professional advice and perspectives, she expressed she doesn't do therapists.
She interrupted that Guy1 is controlling and isolating her from her friends.
Even after a counselling appointment, the counsellor also agreed that it is smart and healthier to do that.

Girl promised Guy1 she would ask Guy2 to leave in a month or 2, 2 months pass and Guy1 asks if she has, she said no and she can't give another time line *big fight* Guy1 tries to end things saying he can't do it anymore and he's sorry, he loves her but he just can't because he feels unprioritised, unimportant, sees the relationship becoming stagnant and going backwards. She says okay what do u want and when? Guy1 said I just want him gone and to please tell him to find a new place so we can live normally because he can't see the relationship lasting longer than before Guy1's birthday (in 3 weeks), she replies she'll tell him in a week, a week goes by nothing said, eventually asks her dad what do u think of Guy2 leaving? He said no he's not leaving (he's codependent on people and likes having company)

Finally feeling very upset Guy1 says we really need to talk because it feels like he's not being picked, doesn't have his back, promising him things but going back on her words and promises repeatidly, she became hostile and labelled Guy1 an abuser that he is isolating her from friends, controlling, and abusing her and keeps threatening the relationship to gains things when Guy1 expressed early he can't do the relationship and stayed to try because he loves and Cara's for her and that promises were made to make him stay to keep trying but whenever a promise was made and didn't follow through made Guy1 think to leave that it feels like he's having a relationship with 3 people instead of 2. Shouldn't have to consider a "friends" life in jeprodising ours, and if he wasn't truly romantically interested in her anymore then as a "friend" should want and understand to leave to make sense they would like to live together as a couple.

Asked Guy1 to leave the home, expressed she's not breaking up and it's not going backwards, that having space to cool down from fights, and going back to dating once a week will save us, Guy1 expresses it is going backwards the fact she said "go back to once a week" and that perceives it as breaking up

Guy2 has done numerous other things to upset Guy1 that arnt mentioned
 
Part 2 :

Her version :



Guy2 has been a good friend for 10 years and has always been there and asking him to leave feels like she's being asked to end the friendships (despite being told Guy1 still wishes for her to have her friendship with him)



That because she lost her mom several months ago she's grieving and that he's part of her support system and it would be her grieving 2 relationships in a short period, her dad sees him as a son and if he leaves her dad would also be grieving a wife Aswell as a son figure leaving too (although Guy1 expresses it removes the opportunity for him to be that son figure and that is what Guy1 is there for to help be apart of her support system too)



Girl says she doesn't see anything that Guy2 has done wrong except for simply "existing" and any of his inappropriate rude comments or actions have appear to be normal despite her not around or is around and when expressed to her Guy1 was invalidated when bringing up issues and brushed aside, girl justified his actions saying "that's just who he is"



Girl has admitted 90% of people don't like him because of his pessimistic demeanor but that Guy1 takes everything he does personally as an attack and says its because of Guy1's CPTSD perceiving threats that arnt there.



Girl expressed Guy2 isn't fighting with her and its only Guy1 fighting with her and he's done nothing wrong, although Guy1 expressed that Guy2 isn't stupid and knows by him being here and any interaction causes stress on the relationship playing innocent that he's "done nothing wrong"



Thoughts :



Guy1 expressed that girl is asking him to gamble his life waiting for 2-5 years for something that may or may not happen but girl ensures he will be gone eventually and that it's not permanent despite living together for years in separate rooms



Guy1 expressed if girls dad is gonna be sad when Guy2 leaves then when? If not now then same thing would happen in 2-5 years? What's the difference? And that her dad would be missing someone cause Guy1 would be leaving



Guy1 spends time with her dad and keeps him company, plays cribbage with him, offers him food, if there's a problem fixes them etc and does majority of the chores around the home.



Guy2 would sit in his car after work for hours because her dad would harass him to do things around the house he wants done (because he's in a wheelchair) and would avoid him for Atleast a month in his car (which to Guy1's opinion, isn't taking care of him which is part of the reason why he's living there apart from paying her back which he hasn't)



After the dynamic of Guy1 and 2 not getting along, Guy2 shifted the blame of that to Guy1 saying Guy2 stays in his car because Guy1 is in the house which doesn't make sense because Guy2 gets home before Guy1 my argument is, how do u avoid someone that isn't there? Especially when admitted prior it was because of her dad which to Guy1 is manipulative and a lie.



Eventually after moving out Guy1 confided in friends and all agree that I have tried my best and sounds like she wants her cake and eat It too, I'm there for emotional safety and he's there as a safety net Incase anything goes wrong or just to have around as insurance which isn't truly having a relationship



Guy1 expressed it will be the same problem in the future with another guy whether Guy2 acts the same or the living situation in the future.



During the counselling session, the counsellor called us out on our faults and admitted that Girl is defensive of Guy1 and any concerns raised have been dismissed and that Guy1 appears to have been very compromising for this current situation which is abnormal tolerating these dynamics despite being there for her immensely during her mother's passing, helping her move, cleaning garage, emotionally there etc



Obviously this is a messed up situation and everyone would yell "leaveeeee" but would like to know perspective on others and not just friends and family. Because after Guy1 is accused of being abusive makes him think that what if he hasn't been considerate enough? I mean... Her mom did pass.... And he has been a "friend" despite their foundation built on false intentions from him wanting more for 10 years.. It is still technically early for moving in, but the whole point of Guy1 is... How long? Her timeline said 1-2 years minimum which is a gamble on a promise.
 
I read 1/4 of the first post and it was clearly enough to vote Guy2 off the island.
Guy2 is a problem. A serious problem. He sounds wayyyyy too possessive. Borderline dangerously possessive.
In my opinion guy2 needs to be removed from the picture/conversation. The $10,000 he owes is a loss. If he genuinely cared there would be effort to repay what is owed. That $10,000 can now be considered “tuition” as in you paid for a learning experience. In the coin collecting world mistakes are considered tuition, we lose money and learn from the experience, never to repeat those same mistakes.
Guy2 has shown his true colors repeatedly. Manipulative, inconsiderate, lacking empathy and lacking quality.

Guy1 sounds like a decent fellow, Girl’s Mom approved. He sounds helpful and considerate (which is the total opposite of Guy2)

The difficult part will be cutting guy2 out of the picture. After the girl allowed him to hang on so long, it gave him false hope, for which she is partly to blame.

I say… rip the bandaid off now and cut guy2 out of the picture completely. The situation sounds unhealthy for BOTH.
 
You've described a very unhealthy dynamic here, @Cqualt.

Girl seems like she is dependent on Guy2 and needs to figure out why that is.

It does sound possible that Guy2 is codependent, but a codependent dynamic needs 2 people - the giver and the taker. The giver thinks they needs the taker just as much as the other way around. Girl might think that she is helping Guy2, but she is enabling him.

If I was Guy1, I'd be high-tailing it out of this situation. Whatever is going on between Guy2 and Girl is not healthy and it will not allow for the formation of other healthy relationships.
 
I would like to “like” your message in addition to “agree” and “winnner” @Rodafina

I wanted to add this to my post… Guy2 is not good enough for the Girl, and Guy1 sounds too good for Girl. No offense intended toward the Girl.

You've described a very unhealthy dynamic here, @Cqualt.

Girl seems like she is dependent on Guy2 and needs to figure out why that is.

It does sound possible that Guy2 is codependent, but a codependent dynamic needs 2 people - the giver and the taker. The giver thinks they needs the taker just as much as the other way around. Girl might think that she is helping Guy2, but she is enabling him.

If I was Guy1, I'd be high-tailing it out of this situation. Whatever is going on between Guy2 and Girl is not healthy and it will not allow for the formation of other healthy relationships.
 

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