Relationship troubles need advice/insight

[Cqualt]

Long post : part1

His version :

Guy1 (35, boyfriend) has adhd and cptsd, meets girl, girl (30, autism) and guy never ever have a problem get along and very compatible lots of things in common

She has a male best friend Guy2 (38, male friend) who has been low key obsessed with her, he was 26 when she was 18 when they met and during those years has been trying to be with her sexually/romantically during that time frame and has also lived with her separate room majority of that time, Guy1 perceives that Guy2 has potentially groomed her. The advances advanced so much to the point he yelled and screamed at her when she said she sees him as a brother and to never ever say that again, walked around naked in the house with his genitals exposed numerous times, despite her saying to wear pants and please stop he continued (before dating Guy1)

When meeting she expressed that he has made advances but nothing has ever happened as she's expressed she doesn't want to, guy gave benefit of the doubt and tried to be his friend, on Guy2 birthday Guy1 gave him a present with a card and everything, Guy2 said "you don't have to be fake nice to me Aslong as u treat her good were fine" which was found insulting

Her mom shortly diagnosed cancer and passed shortly after diagnosis, Guy1 met the mom and connected strongly immediately for 2 months before pass and loved Guy1.

Guy1 helped her (and Guy2) move to her mom's place to take care of her dad (severely disabled in a wheelchair)

Guy2 appears to make inappropriate rude comments from time to time such as :

She lays head on Guy1's lap: "it looks like she's giving you a blow job"

Her back hurts : "geez I thought maybe Guy1 blew you back out by having sex with u last night"

Guy1 kills spiders and cleans up garage for them : "I can just imagine you in there waving your arms around screaming"

Guy1 buys hooks and rope to hang things in garage took girl to store to buy them (Guy1 paid for) and knew what it was for, when arriving back home Guy1 says "okay I'm gonna go get it started now" to help, her reply : "oh.. Wait... Let me just call Guy2 and just to see if that's a good idea.." despite knowing what was already happening, Guy1 raised concern that it felt like she was calling her bf to get approval for it, she expressed it could have been anyone she just needed to aks someone

Guy2 said" it doesn't take much to measure up to her exes" coming across as an insult whether it was a compliment or not.

Guy2 owes her $10,000 over 3 years has not paid a single dollar despite having a pay out, lived rent free last 4 months without any payment despite works fulltime and paid rent prior house.

Guy1 somewhat lived with her, dad and Guy2 expressed how long is he going to live here? Because it would make sense that Guy1 moves in so him and her can save money for holidays, wedding etc especially if Guy2 isn't paying his debt or taking care of her dad.

1 night playing a board game after her mom's passing, Guy1 offered to buy to buy her food because obvious reasons, Guy2 says "ull learn, ull eventually know it's either chicken strips or pizza, it's okay ull get the hang of it" found it insulting as if he knows her better she should be with him, shortly after she replies "I'm so lucky you love me Guy2" Guy2 overrides Guy1 and buys pizza. Guy1 is upset says brb need air and leaves 40mins, 40mins later come back and locked out, girl opens door and says "Guy2 said he say you go to bed" obviously wasn't true. Expressed that it was a lie and perceived it done on purpose.

Guy2 calls her everyday after work 30+ mins calls to see how her day was and what his day was like and what she wants to do for dinner etc (something a boyfriend would do) despite living together, she's expressed she doesn't like the calls but continues anyway

Guy1 and girl watching movie, Guy2 walks in and interrupts talking endlessly to the point the movie had to be paused until he was finished, then proceeded.

Whenever she has a nap on the couch after work Guy2 will endlessly talk, Guy1 asked why does he do that, she replied because he doesn't like it when I nap because he thinks it's unhealthy, I expressed that it's wrong and it shouldn't matter what he wants or thinks etc and that it's rude and inappropriate.

Whenever Guy1 came home would always say hello and how his day was to Guy2, seemed unreceptive with short answers "yeah was good, things fine, just focusing on myself" etc numerous days in a row, Guy1 finally tries to let him initiate conversation, no conversation was initiated numerous days and stayed awkwardly silent

When expressed how long is Guy2 going to live here? She said he has a 5 year plan, Guy1 said that's way too long, what about our 5 year plan? How do you expect to have a relationship like that and it's unfair because Guy1 has things to move in with Aswell and its not fair Guy1 pays rent for 5 years while Guy2 doesn't pay anything, compromised to 2 years, then shortly again by the end of the year, the stressed and anxiety is too much for Guy1 considering circumstances and expressed he cannot do this relationship unless he's told to please find a new place so we can be together like a normal couple asap, she said that Guy1 doesn't love her and that he's a liar otherwise he'd stay(if googled is gas lighting) , after Guy1 has lived everyday riddled with anxiety expressing he just can't do this numerous times, she perceived that they were threats to control and gain advantage over situation

Guy1 expressed a boundary early in relationship :
Thinks its unhealthy to air dirty laundry about your partner to close friends and that should be done to a therapist instead because it paints a false image of the partner to friends and awkward future events where a therapist would null that, would be unbiased opinions, and actually professional advice and perspectives, she expressed she doesn't do therapists.
She interrupted that Guy1 is controlling and isolating her from her friends.
Even after a counselling appointment, the counsellor also agreed that it is smart and healthier to do that.

Girl promised Guy1 she would ask Guy2 to leave in a month or 2, 2 months pass and Guy1 asks if she has, she said no and she can't give another time line *big fight* Guy1 tries to end things saying he can't do it anymore and he's sorry, he loves her but he just can't because he feels unprioritised, unimportant, sees the relationship becoming stagnant and going backwards. She says okay what do u want and when? Guy1 said I just want him gone and to please tell him to find a new place so we can live normally because he can't see the relationship lasting longer than before Guy1's birthday (in 3 weeks), she replies she'll tell him in a week, a week goes by nothing said, eventually asks her dad what do u think of Guy2 leaving? He said no he's not leaving (he's codependent on people and likes having company)

Finally feeling very upset Guy1 says we really need to talk because it feels like he's not being picked, doesn't have his back, promising him things but going back on her words and promises repeatidly, she became hostile and labelled Guy1 an abuser that he is isolating her from friends, controlling, and abusing her and keeps threatening the relationship to gains things when Guy1 expressed early he can't do the relationship and stayed to try because he loves and Cara's for her and that promises were made to make him stay to keep trying but whenever a promise was made and didn't follow through made Guy1 think to leave that it feels like he's having a relationship with 3 people instead of 2. Shouldn't have to consider a "friends" life in jeprodising ours, and if he wasn't truly romantically interested in her anymore then as a "friend" should want and understand to leave to make sense they would like to live together as a couple.

Asked Guy1 to leave the home, expressed she's not breaking up and it's not going backwards, that having space to cool down from fights, and going back to dating once a week will save us, Guy1 expresses it is going backwards the fact she said "go back to once a week" and that perceives it as breaking up

Guy2 has done numerous other things to upset Guy1 that arnt mentioned

 

[Cqualt]

Part 2 :

Her version :



Guy2 has been a good friend for 10 years and has always been there and asking him to leave feels like she's being asked to end the friendships (despite being told Guy1 still wishes for her to have her friendship with him)



That because she lost her mom several months ago she's grieving and that he's part of her support system and it would be her grieving 2 relationships in a short period, her dad sees him as a son and if he leaves her dad would also be grieving a wife Aswell as a son figure leaving too (although Guy1 expresses it removes the opportunity for him to be that son figure and that is what Guy1 is there for to help be apart of her support system too)



Girl says she doesn't see anything that Guy2 has done wrong except for simply "existing" and any of his inappropriate rude comments or actions have appear to be normal despite her not around or is around and when expressed to her Guy1 was invalidated when bringing up issues and brushed aside, girl justified his actions saying "that's just who he is"



Girl has admitted 90% of people don't like him because of his pessimistic demeanor but that Guy1 takes everything he does personally as an attack and says its because of Guy1's CPTSD perceiving threats that arnt there.



Girl expressed Guy2 isn't fighting with her and its only Guy1 fighting with her and he's done nothing wrong, although Guy1 expressed that Guy2 isn't stupid and knows by him being here and any interaction causes stress on the relationship playing innocent that he's "done nothing wrong"



Thoughts :



Guy1 expressed that girl is asking him to gamble his life waiting for 2-5 years for something that may or may not happen but girl ensures he will be gone eventually and that it's not permanent despite living together for years in separate rooms



Guy1 expressed if girls dad is gonna be sad when Guy2 leaves then when? If not now then same thing would happen in 2-5 years? What's the difference? And that her dad would be missing someone cause Guy1 would be leaving



Guy1 spends time with her dad and keeps him company, plays cribbage with him, offers him food, if there's a problem fixes them etc and does majority of the chores around the home.



Guy2 would sit in his car after work for hours because her dad would harass him to do things around the house he wants done (because he's in a wheelchair) and would avoid him for Atleast a month in his car (which to Guy1's opinion, isn't taking care of him which is part of the reason why he's living there apart from paying her back which he hasn't)



After the dynamic of Guy1 and 2 not getting along, Guy2 shifted the blame of that to Guy1 saying Guy2 stays in his car because Guy1 is in the house which doesn't make sense because Guy2 gets home before Guy1 my argument is, how do u avoid someone that isn't there? Especially when admitted prior it was because of her dad which to Guy1 is manipulative and a lie.



Eventually after moving out Guy1 confided in friends and all agree that I have tried my best and sounds like she wants her cake and eat It too, I'm there for emotional safety and he's there as a safety net Incase anything goes wrong or just to have around as insurance which isn't truly having a relationship



Guy1 expressed it will be the same problem in the future with another guy whether Guy2 acts the same or the living situation in the future.



During the counselling session, the counsellor called us out on our faults and admitted that Girl is defensive of Guy1 and any concerns raised have been dismissed and that Guy1 appears to have been very compromising for this current situation which is abnormal tolerating these dynamics despite being there for her immensely during her mother's passing, helping her move, cleaning garage, emotionally there etc



Obviously this is a messed up situation and everyone would yell "leaveeeee" but would like to know perspective on others and not just friends and family. Because after Guy1 is accused of being abusive makes him think that what if he hasn't been considerate enough? I mean... Her mom did pass.... And he has been a "friend" despite their foundation built on false intentions from him wanting more for 10 years.. It is still technically early for moving in, but the whole point of Guy1 is... How long? Her timeline said 1-2 years minimum which is a gamble on a promise.

 

[Hypnalis]

What, if anything, does "Guy2" actually contribute to any of the others?
What you've described is a leech.

 

[Rocco]

I read 1/4 of the first post and it was clearly enough to vote Guy2 off the island.
Guy2 is a problem. A serious problem. He sounds wayyyyy too possessive. Borderline dangerously possessive.
In my opinion guy2 needs to be removed from the picture/conversation. The $10,000 he owes is a loss. If he genuinely cared there would be effort to repay what is owed. That $10,000 can now be considered “tuition” as in you paid for a learning experience. In the coin collecting world mistakes are considered tuition, we lose money and learn from the experience, never to repeat those same mistakes.
Guy2 has shown his true colors repeatedly. Manipulative, inconsiderate, lacking empathy and lacking quality.

Guy1 sounds like a decent fellow, Girl’s Mom approved. He sounds helpful and considerate (which is the total opposite of Guy2)

The difficult part will be cutting guy2 out of the picture. After the girl allowed him to hang on so long, it gave him false hope, for which she is partly to blame.

I say… rip the bandaid off now and cut guy2 out of the picture completely. The situation sounds unhealthy for BOTH.

 

[Rodafina]

You've described a very unhealthy dynamic here, @Cqualt.

Girl seems like she is dependent on Guy2 and needs to figure out why that is.

It does sound possible that Guy2 is codependent, but a codependent dynamic needs 2 people - the giver and the taker. The giver thinks they needs the taker just as much as the other way around. Girl might think that she is helping Guy2, but she is enabling him.

If I was Guy1, I'd be high-tailing it out of this situation. Whatever is going on between Guy2 and Girl is not healthy and it will not allow for the formation of other healthy relationships.

 

[Rocco]

I would like to “like” your message in addition to “agree” and “winnner” @Rodafina

I wanted to add this to my post… Guy2 is not good enough for the Girl, and Guy1 sounds too good for Girl. No offense intended toward the Girl.

You've described a very unhealthy dynamic here, @Cqualt.

Girl seems like she is dependent on Guy2 and needs to figure out why that is.

It does sound possible that Guy2 is codependent, but a codependent dynamic needs 2 people - the giver and the taker. The giver thinks they needs the taker just as much as the other way around. Girl might think that she is helping Guy2, but she is enabling him.

If I was Guy1, I'd be high-tailing it out of this situation. Whatever is going on between Guy2 and Girl is not healthy and it will not allow for the formation of other healthy relationships.

 

[Cqualt]

I read 1/4 of the first post and it was clearly enough to vote Guy2 off the island.
Guy2 is a problem. A serious problem. He sounds wayyyyy too possessive. Borderline dangerously possessive.
In my opinion guy2 needs to be removed from the picture/conversation. The $10,000 he owes is a loss. If he genuinely cared there would be effort to repay what is owed. That $10,000 can now be considered “tuition” as in you paid for a learning experience. In the coin collecting world mistakes are considered tuition, we lose money and learn from the experience, never to repeat those same mistakes.
Guy2 has shown his true colors repeatedly. Manipulative, inconsiderate, lacking empathy and lacking quality.

Guy1 sounds like a decent fellow, Girl’s Mom approved. He sounds helpful and considerate (which is the total opposite of Guy2)

The difficult part will be cutting guy2 out of the picture. After the girl allowed him to hang on so long, it gave him false hope, for which she is partly to blame.

I say… rip the bandaid off now and cut guy2 out of the picture completely. The situation sounds unhealthy for BOTH.

Unfortunately I had the same perspective, but her perspective is 100% opposite, he's only a friend and a brother where her parents saw him as a son, he's an emotional safety net/support system for her, she described her brain is when she's told something she takes it as is directly, so when he suddenly says he only likes her as a friend (despite hitting on her right before eachother) she believes it.

My point to her was
1. I feel 2nd
2. When will he move out so we can benefit OUR 5 year plan...
3. I feel robbed of that opportunity to be seen as a son figure instead.. Amongst more things

We fought continuously which resulting ending because that's what I saw but she believed differently
Duno how to handle it, I was made to feel controlling and abusive after contiously expressing how upset and hurt I am

 

[Aspychata]

It's a thruple situationship. So as long as these dynamics continue, so will continue this emotional relationship that seems to only frustrate you. If you can all sit down and admit this is what is happening , that will help. She is staying rather passive, and will only increase your frustration.

 

[Cqualt]

It's a thruple situationship. So as long as these dynamics continue, so will continue this emotional relationship that seems to only frustrate you. If you can all sit down and admit this is what is happening , that will help. She is staying rather passive, and will only increase your frustration.

But I believe it's her autism (she has also help describe) she blindly believes anything he has said despite things I've been told and experienced, it's like making me second guess am I wrong? Am I over thinking it? I makes me super confused, she's said that she doesnt lie because of her autism and he doesn't lie either apparently? But in my opinion everyone is always capable of lying? I know in her mind he's only a friend, but I think there will always be more from him even if he only recently said she's just a friend only since I started dating her the

 

[Aspychata]

Think perhaps sitting her down and asking for more commitment from her, or asking her if she is content to be with both you and him. It's not so much about their behavior, it's about what you are willing to put up with going forward. If you don't get what you need , then you will need to walk away? Are you prepared to do that, or do you wish to stay in this thruple? Some people do exist like this, and others breakup after awhile. Are you content to continue in this

 

[Cqualt]

Think perhaps sitting her down and asking for more commitment from her, or asking her if she is content to be with both you and him. It's not so much about their behavior, it's about what you are willing to put up with going forward. If you don't get what you need , then you will need to walk away? Are you prepared to do that, or do you wish to stay in this thruple? Some people do exist like this, and others breakup after awhile. Are you content to continue in this

That's the thing.... Shortly after her mom passed maybe a month and a half I said I'm not happy and things need to change prepared to walk away, she called me a liar and that I don't love her and if I leave her in a liar and never meant a word, then promised to tell him and change things etc so it made me stay despite my everyday struggle? I express hardly that I'm depressed, unhappy, that it's torture, until she asked her dad he said no then co pletely changed and called me an abuser

So after she recently ended it because of the fights forcing me to stay, I thought I'd ask a community experienced with autism because this has me completely second questioning myself

 

[Hypnalis]

@Cqualt

If you're Guy1, you're overthinking this.

For example none of those people can make you stay.

You're caught in a weird microsocial dynamic by your own objectives and wishes. Which is fine of course.
It seems you're not achieving exactly what you want. Also fine.

But neither of those justifies uncertainly in your plans and actions.

If your goal is to get rid of Guy2 (that would be mine if I was Guy1):

1. Accept that Girl 1 may not be able to ditch Guy 2 on her own, and may never be able to do that.
2. Decide if the weird 3-person dynamic is acceptable to you or not. That would be an immediate no for me BTW, but everyone is different.

This is enough to make a plan. You know what it is already, but it might be useful to discuss details.

A. Get used to the fact that you may need to walk away from this. If you can't, you'll stay in this loop "forever".

BTW - don't talk to anyone about that. That's playing to lose.
You have you know it. Once decided, keep it to yourself.

B. Decide how to talk to the other participants, and in what order.
Don't share this with the others. Sharing your thoughts and plans randomly will always leave you worse off.

I'm not going to say more, because most of the time the obviously correct advice is ignored anyway /lol.

If you're guy1, and you can get through 1, 2, and A, and you want to talk, reply to this post.
If you're "fishing for advice", and planning to select the combination that's most "comfortable", don't reply to this.

"Fishing" is the same as not asking for advice, but it uses other people's time and energy.

 

[Outdated]

If I was Guy1, I'd be high-tailing it out of this situation. Whatever is going on between Guy2 and Girl is not healthy and it will not allow for the formation of other healthy relationships.

I agree with this, walk away from the entire stinking scenario. Even if you somehow get rid of the other bloke not much is going to change between you and the girl, if anything it could even get worse.

Just walk away.

...she's said that she doesnt lie because of her autism...

That is an outright lie.

I'm a pretty good talker and pretty good at getting what I want from people most of the time for two reasons:
I'm good at reading other people's body language.
I've had a life time of practice controlling my own body language so people can't tell when I'm lying.

I have a brother, also autistic, who was a professional con man for a while, until eventually people started catching up with him.

There's also another very serious issue that shines out in your entire post and that is a lack of trust. Without trust there can not be a relationship and once trust is broken it can never be repaired.

 

[Rodafina]

@Cqualt

If you allow certain people to treat you like crap and disrespect you, they will continue to do that. But, you are not powerless to make this stop.

What you described sounds like you are being coercively controlled, lied to, manipulated, and totally disrespected.

It might be helpful to get some help with establishing healthy boundaries and being able to advocate for yourself. It really sounds like you could use some support from someone not involved in this dynamic.

You can’t change people, but you can control your own actions. You have the power to end the “torture” you described.

 

[Aspychata]

Fishing for advice is perfectly acceptable, because sometimes when we are so emotionally warped from staying in what might be a possibly an abusive situation, we really can see the abuse, and we can't see a plan of action. It's great you are figuring this out, because way to many of us get trapped in abusive cycles. So you need to step back and say l am caught in an abusive cycle where dynamics are playing out, should l make a plan for another living situation or look for a roommate place? This does sound abusive, and this isn't helping you if you feel depressed and frustrated. Are you working? Can you start working, or get some cash to move out and distance yourself? Good luck, sounds like you may need to emotionally distance yourself, and it will be difficult initially but eventually you will move on.

 

[Hypnalis]

Fishing for advice is perfectly acceptable, because sometimes when we are so emotionally warped from staying in what might be a possibly an abusive situation, we really can see the abuse, and we can't see a plan of action. It's great you are figuring this out, because way to many of us get trapped in abusive cycles. So you need to step back and say l am caught in an abusive cycle where dynamics are playing out, should l make a plan for another living situation or look for a roommate place? This does sound abusive, and this isn't helping you if you feel depressed and frustrated. Are you working? Can you start working, or get some cash to move out and distance yourself? Good luck, sounds like you may need to emotionally distance yourself, and it will be difficult initially but eventually you will move on.

Of course asking for help in understanding what's actually happening in a complicated situation is reasonable.
That's the insight past of the thread title.

But OP also asked for advice, which implies suggestions for what to do.
That's a different question, and only makes sense given a specific interpretation of the facts.

Cherry-picking advice without an agreed interpretation of the facts is internally inconsistent.
It's popular of course, but in terms of results it's not going to be better than rolling a die.

I explain that via the "fishing" analogy is efficient and tends not to upset the only important actor: the person asking for input.

BTW you're not wrong about the possibility of abuse. But OP hasn't provided solid evidence for that yet - just quite good indicators. It can only be tested by setting an intermediate objective of gathering information.

And even so, that would be something for "Girl 1" to use on "Guy 2"

"Guy 1" has CPTSD. He should not try to fix an abusive relationship unless he has a very good reason.
And probably not even then.

It would make sense to help Girl 1, but only after he takes out (metaphorically speaking) "Guy 2".

If "Guy 2" stays in the picture, "Guy 1" should definitely walk away, leaving the codependent couple behind.

 

[Cqualt]

@Cqualt

If you allow certain people to treat you like crap and disrespect you, they will continue to do that. But, you are not powerless to make this stop.

What you described sounds like you are being coercively controlled, lied to, manipulated, and totally disrespected.

It might be helpful to get some help with establishing healthy boundaries and being able to advocate for yourself. It really sounds like you could use some support from someone not involved in this dynamic.

You can’t change people, but you can control your own actions. You have the power to end the “torture” you described.

Thank u, sadly a mistake I've made was I kept removing myself from the situation without confronting with boundaries, but to be honest even if it I did I don't think anything would of changed anyway lol but thank you so much for Ur insight it's really appreciated

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Fishing for advice is perfectly acceptable, because sometimes when we are so emotionally warped from staying in what might be a possibly an abusive situation, we really can see the abuse, and we can't see a plan of action. It's great you are figuring this out, because way to many of us get trapped in abusive cycles. So you need to step back and say l am caught in an abusive cycle where dynamics are playing out, should l make a plan for another living situation or look for a roommate place? This does sound abusive, and this isn't helping you if you feel depressed and frustrated. Are you working? Can you start working, or get some cash to move out and distance yourself? Good luck, sounds like you may need to emotionally distance yourself, and it will be difficult initially but eventually you will move on.

So right! The relationship appears so dysfunctional that I see little evidence that the woman is capable of setting personal boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of. And, with people, unlike the stock market, past returns do predict future performance. Things will only get worse and the pain of cutting that woman loose now before he embroils himself in a sunk-cost fallacy is better than future emotional costs that outweigh the benefits of being with somebody who's internal compass is a windsock.

 

[Cqualt]

Fishing for advice is perfectly acceptable, because sometimes when we are so emotionally warped from staying in what might be a possibly an abusive situation, we really can see the abuse, and we can't see a plan of action. It's great you are figuring this out, because way to many of us get trapped in abusive cycles. So you need to step back and say l am caught in an abusive cycle where dynamics are playing out, should l make a plan for another living situation or look for a roommate place? This does sound abusive, and this isn't helping you if you feel depressed and frustrated. Are you working? Can you start working, or get some cash to move out and distance yourself? Good luck, sounds like you may need to emotionally distance yourself, and it will be difficult initially but eventually you will move on.

I work full time, I have my own place I rent, I expressed to her numerous times over the course of months before the dynamic even became real that I could foresee problems of stagnance for the relationship and going backwards etc especially when I expressed I tried getting along with Guy2 but I see, hear, experience things from him whether girl is around or not around, Aswell as manurisms, body language, facial expressions etc, I've done alot of therapy Aswell, girl would justify the behaviour as normal Nd that's just who he is, I mean.. People don't always have to agree on things such as an example " I can really see how that could have made you feel, I don't agree that what he's done to make you feel this way and I'm sorry it's happened but I don't think he's done intentionally and I'm here to support you and us etc" instead of "that doesn't sound bad, thats just who he is, that sounds like a normal interaction to me and your taking it as a personal attack and after research it's because of your hypervigilance" so not only invalidating, but felt like flipping blame that I was the problem, I tried to explain these experiences weren't made up, you break an egg, although your intention was good to make me an Omlette whether it was a good or bad intention it still happened and I true to explain that to girl, sorry I'm rambling lol

Point is I held on very strongly because of genuine care and love for this person Aswell as give benefit doubt, and empathic and being there for someone even through bad, especially if her mom died (which I was there for and helped tremendously) and just trying to be a good person/partner, when I saw things not working I was labelled a liar and if I left I didn't mean anything I said followed by promises that girl would talk with Guy2 to finding a new place to 1. Not just remove the problem of the poor experiences and fights but also 2. To allow progression for our relationship, she expressed I was forcing her and threatening the relationship to gain, I expressed it wasn't and I'm living emotional hell everyday feeling like heart attacks (anxiety) unhealthy not just for us but my physical/mental health Aswell and said love is when u never give up, to an extent yes, I expressed this is early for a problem like this and u can still love someone and walk away, basically as soon as she realised it wasn't possible to get rid of Guy2 via her dad saying no probably knew couldn't keep promises and things wouldn't change apart from she wanted to keep him there despite her saying otherwise to me resulting to villainising me, she trauma dumped on one of her close friends (who is also in love/possessive with her, female) resulting to what I expressed unhealthy as friends mean well but biased advice and opinions especially with 1 side story apposed from a counsellor, I communicated extensively for a long term my inability and ability what I can and can't do repeatidly expressing I am unhappy, spiraling into depression, self harm thoughts, health decline, expressed doesn't she want someone else that would accept this stuff and like her friend/s, that it felt like a throuple relationship, I've been sacrificing my own boundaries.
Everyone around this circle agreed I was amazing and didn't do a single thing wrong which resulted to her friends watching for my wrong move/mistake/red flags that now I was being judged for something I haven't even done via comments they had made numerous times potentially threatened by me, despite my efforts of reassuring her female friend after interrogating me my intentions with girl that it's because I love and care and have good intentions and I'm not replacing her and she's always going to be her friend etc. I guess I'm just descring all these things to give a better idea of what other things may have happened and what I tried to do before things became bad with numerous fights etc. Guy2 knew he was contributing to the problem and putting pressure on our relationship but remains covert of "he has no idea what he's done" or that he "didn't know" anything despite previous comments acknowledging I'm hurt/sad because he was around when he overstepped boundaries/space etc

 

[Cqualt]

So right! The relationship appears so dysfunctional that I see little evidence that the woman is capable of setting personal boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of. And, with people, unlike the stock market, past returns do predict future performance. Things will only get worse and the pain of cutting that woman loose now before he embroils himself in a sunk-cost fallacy is better than future emotional costs that outweigh the benefits of being with somebody who's internal compass is a windsock.

I expressed this to her that this relationship is not healthy, both acknowledged her poor boundaries because people pleading which I can understand and empathise with, and expressed that I've noticed patterns, 1 or 2 experiences given benefit of the doubt but when I noticed multiple occurances it becomes a pattern such as how u've describe past data to determine outcome (my interpretation), apart from not wanting to cut things off despite my attempt/s felt was used against me, her female friend said (in the end) "if u noticed this and u weren't happy why didn't u end it then" (in a hostile aggressive manner), I expressed I tried and was guilted to not give up and that means I never loved her etc, followed by promises to fix things hence staying, continuing to work on things because of hope and genuine love and care, I accept her for who she is as a person flawes and all, even trying to befriend Guy2 numerous times to the extent of "are you hungry? How about you and me go out to the pub just you and me we'll spend some time together eat some food and I'll pay" made up a reason that he couldn't afford it and doesn't like going out with no money despite me offering to pay before that reason was brought up when already offered, in the end I just hit my limit of trying to get along with someone who is completely unreceptive to it and just stopped trying completely with him and just didn't want to experience any negative event, comments, feelings associated with him, I could have definetely done things differently absolutely, I feel I had done the right precautions and steps before I hit my limit then once limit was reached over long period of time started to react poorly due to resentment formulating and potentially reactive abuse where someone pokes and prods you for so long you act completely out of character and when lashing out perceived as "whoa you're crazy" mentality..