There's also other considerations related to autism. Birth trauma, where the brain is deprived of oxygen during extended or difficult birthing, or during the cutting of the cord. Drinking or drug use during pregnancy. There have been recent studies related to the ages of the parents, where parents who are older have a higher probability of having a child with autism.
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Refrigerator Mother
- Thread starter Aspychata
- Start date
Adora
Well-Known Member
I did come from a dysfunctional family and I went through years of verbal and psychological abuse from my alcoholic father and also it took me years to fully realise this but my mother could be abusive too.
My mother can be loving but she is very manipulative and used emotional blackmail on me and my brothers and she would call me things like I was evil and also tell me that if people got to know me they will see how evil I am.
We also didn’t have a stable home and we were moving from house to house to the point where my parents were blacklisted by the real estate and basically ended up on top of a pub or staying with my dad’s friends before we were kicked onto the street.
My second oldest brother is also on the spectrum and I didn’t know I was on the spectrum until I was 31 and I don’t believe that it was caused by the abuse I had I did on the other hand develop Complex PTSD as a result from the abuse and also other things happening outside the house.
Even if I was in a more stable household I still more likely be on the spectrum, the only difference would be that I would not have the traumatic issues or the comorbids and I can live with being on the spectrum but I definitely could live without the complex trauma.
My mother can be loving but she is very manipulative and used emotional blackmail on me and my brothers and she would call me things like I was evil and also tell me that if people got to know me they will see how evil I am.
We also didn’t have a stable home and we were moving from house to house to the point where my parents were blacklisted by the real estate and basically ended up on top of a pub or staying with my dad’s friends before we were kicked onto the street.
My second oldest brother is also on the spectrum and I didn’t know I was on the spectrum until I was 31 and I don’t believe that it was caused by the abuse I had I did on the other hand develop Complex PTSD as a result from the abuse and also other things happening outside the house.
Even if I was in a more stable household I still more likely be on the spectrum, the only difference would be that I would not have the traumatic issues or the comorbids and I can live with being on the spectrum but I definitely could live without the complex trauma.
That assertion is why Dr. Lorna Wing went into the field. She had an ASD2/3(?) daughter, Susie, and knew that she had not been cold to her.
Kanner missed the boat on that one. (And we still have some "providers" around here who subscribe to that theory...!
Maybe what you are confusing autism with are anxiety disorders (The fact that autistic people display to a Neurotypical alarming behaviour)and there was a member on here who said they had an almost perfect childhood ,that been taught from an early age how to interact.
never heard from them again can’t remember their name.
Dr. Temple Grandin said that her mother was very attentive to her.
No, l don't present with anxiety, l do very well on Autism tests, and my mother will tell you l have always been not interested in socializing most of my life. She told me she was surprised l did marry. l mask extremly well because l have supported myself since age 18 always working.
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That theory has been debunked and the fact that some countries still subscribe to a completely disproven hypothesis is appalling.
My mum is (and always has been) very warm and loving. The refrigerator mother theory ignores the influence of father on their childrens development (a sign of the times it was developed in) but my dad was also very caring in his own way. He's autistic and his demonstration of affection isn't exactly typical, but I have never been in any doubt of his love. They both gave good examples of various emotionally healthy relationships and my mum is extremely social and always encouraged me to be too. They treated my sister and I the same and she is most definitely not autistic.
My mum is (and always has been) very warm and loving. The refrigerator mother theory ignores the influence of father on their childrens development (a sign of the times it was developed in) but my dad was also very caring in his own way. He's autistic and his demonstration of affection isn't exactly typical, but I have never been in any doubt of his love. They both gave good examples of various emotionally healthy relationships and my mum is extremely social and always encouraged me to be too. They treated my sister and I the same and she is most definitely not autistic.
Yes I imagine parents develop according to how they were parented and with regard to other aspects of themselves and the social conditions they grow up in. This is pretty well understood now, and will apply to all children.
A highly relevant idea is Attachment theory originating with John Bowlby, and the attachment styles we develop in relation to parenting styles and significant others apply to NTS and NDS research has shown, plus are subject to improvement through developmental work on ourselves over our lifetime.
My father was probably ND, my mum low power narcissistic, they grew up in the 2nd world war and their parents went through the first war. They were not well off, and all the grandparents had had deficits in parenting and significant life challenges. Narcissism btw appears to be somewhat caused by problems in early parenting. Trouble is, a lot of problems in parenting are due to the way the parents early development went.
This is also well known now, Patricia Crittenden has done some great research and work on this, check out her extended version of the attachment styles, this work was mainly aimed at enabling social work to be more effective when helping parents who were abused or became very insecure in childhood to manage parenting better. Unfortunately there's too many people who need help, and systems are not sufficient or sensitive enough to utilise what we know, resources are lacking.
I grew up insecure, but have learnt a more secure style and now relate better with others after much therapy and study and practice, including partnership relationships However I am not very social or sociable, and my social skills in unstructured social interaction as opposed to ordinary work interactions, are poor.
I have few friends, usually 1 or 2 at most. I lack confidence in social settings. This is part of my neuro type I think. But might be more comfortable if social settings existed for my type of interacting.
A highly relevant idea is Attachment theory originating with John Bowlby, and the attachment styles we develop in relation to parenting styles and significant others apply to NTS and NDS research has shown, plus are subject to improvement through developmental work on ourselves over our lifetime.
My father was probably ND, my mum low power narcissistic, they grew up in the 2nd world war and their parents went through the first war. They were not well off, and all the grandparents had had deficits in parenting and significant life challenges. Narcissism btw appears to be somewhat caused by problems in early parenting. Trouble is, a lot of problems in parenting are due to the way the parents early development went.
This is also well known now, Patricia Crittenden has done some great research and work on this, check out her extended version of the attachment styles, this work was mainly aimed at enabling social work to be more effective when helping parents who were abused or became very insecure in childhood to manage parenting better. Unfortunately there's too many people who need help, and systems are not sufficient or sensitive enough to utilise what we know, resources are lacking.
I grew up insecure, but have learnt a more secure style and now relate better with others after much therapy and study and practice, including partnership relationships However I am not very social or sociable, and my social skills in unstructured social interaction as opposed to ordinary work interactions, are poor.
I have few friends, usually 1 or 2 at most. I lack confidence in social settings. This is part of my neuro type I think. But might be more comfortable if social settings existed for my type of interacting.
My grandfather was systematically mentally and physically abused all through his childhood and it made him a volatile angry person. I also suspect my grandfather had ASD. He was very prone to explosive outbursts of anger when things didn’t go as he expected or as planned. He also got very angry when people made playful digs at one another because he didn’t understand the joke part of those digs. He couldn’t see things from another person’s perspective either. He wasn’t a bad person, in my book. He was a damaged, complex, troubled soul and I know he cared a lot for his wife, his children and mostly his grandchildren. I know I was his favorite and he doted over me, but he always had trouble communicating his thoughts and even more trouble talking about his feelings. He often took me aside to tell me stories about his past and he hardly ever got angry with me. My mother and grandmother caught the full force of his anger though.
As a result, my mother did not have a happy childhood. The atmosphere at home was always tense and she recalls always walking on eggshells as a child and as an adolescent to avoid my grandfather’s wrath. She hated her birthday for years because my grandfather ruined it every year with his anger.
When I was born, my mom was adamant that my childhood should never be like hers. So she always went out of her way to make sure we spent a lot of quality time together and she always did her best to make sure that we had a good time when the family was together. Obviously, this didn’t work all the time. When it didn’t, she could also have angry outbursts, but she always apologized afterwards and try to make up for it.
I see some traits of my grandfather and mother in myself. I can get angry outbursts when my boyfriend is home late and doesn’t answer his phone, for instant. But it’s hard to say if that trait has been cultivated in me because I watched my mom and grandfather do it, or whether it’s my inflexibility due to my ASD, or a combination of both.
As a result, my mother did not have a happy childhood. The atmosphere at home was always tense and she recalls always walking on eggshells as a child and as an adolescent to avoid my grandfather’s wrath. She hated her birthday for years because my grandfather ruined it every year with his anger.
When I was born, my mom was adamant that my childhood should never be like hers. So she always went out of her way to make sure we spent a lot of quality time together and she always did her best to make sure that we had a good time when the family was together. Obviously, this didn’t work all the time. When it didn’t, she could also have angry outbursts, but she always apologized afterwards and try to make up for it.
I see some traits of my grandfather and mother in myself. I can get angry outbursts when my boyfriend is home late and doesn’t answer his phone, for instant. But it’s hard to say if that trait has been cultivated in me because I watched my mom and grandfather do it, or whether it’s my inflexibility due to my ASD, or a combination of both.
You are a true warrior, that would be difficult for anyone, l don't care how strong the person was.
GrownupGirl
Tempermental Artist
My parents have always been very loving and caring, even if they weren't always perfect. No parent is perfect, due to a lifelong condition known as being human.
This has already long been disproven, I'm the first of 3 and was not treated in a cold manner. Not to say that my family wasn't dysfunctional - history of mental illness, alcoholism, etc. - but my upbringing was relatively fine given the conditions.
Environment or genetics, or both. I'll never know for sure.
Environment or genetics, or both. I'll never know for sure.
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I had parents who seemed quite cold and made very little emotional connection with me. While I don't think that that could in any way be said to have been the cause of my having asd, I suppose nevertheless there could be some degree of correlation between parents having a rather cold relation with their offspring, and their offspring having asd? On the basis that there exists some degree of genetic correlation between parents who have asd and offspring who have asd.
I strongly suspect in my case that my father, and possibly my mother too, had asd, and that could have been a contributory factor to their rather stand-offish relationship with me. So in that sense, it seems not unreasonable to make some level of correlation between cold parents and offspring with asd? Not a hard-and-fast relation between the two, and not a causative relation, but some level of correlation nonetheless.
I strongly suspect in my case that my father, and possibly my mother too, had asd, and that could have been a contributory factor to their rather stand-offish relationship with me. So in that sense, it seems not unreasonable to make some level of correlation between cold parents and offspring with asd? Not a hard-and-fast relation between the two, and not a causative relation, but some level of correlation nonetheless.
You can't rubber stamp it as a certified connection but there is some correlation in specific cases. l agree with stringer on this.
AuBurney Tuckerson
~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~
...What...
My mother is just.. Idk normal. But I think she misunderstands me. She knows I'm autistic, but she still doesn't really understand me.
My mother is just.. Idk normal. But I think she misunderstands me. She knows I'm autistic, but she still doesn't really understand me.
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