If I do have Autism, as I am unsure as I have lifelong AvPD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and OCD diagnoses, but one doctor a few years ago diagnosed a milder form of Autism, it was not because of a refrigerator Mom, as although she had mental illness, and had many anxiety and fluctuating bipolar or borderline mood issues, she also had a side where she came across as nurturing, warm, and clingy if anything. I remember all the times she would want to sit with us twins in a big reclining chair when we were very young, and how she loved cooking us full course meals and making sure we were warm when we went out to play in the winter. She often gave hugs, and often said daily , ‘Honey, do you want this”. She had a warm side. I know that.
Having said that, she did though neglect our needs when we needed comfort when her mental illness signs and symptoms flared, and when our parents fought a lot, and she had a domineering and controlling side, too. Our mother often sided with our alcoholic neglectful physically abusive father, fearing him leaving her. We as children felt alone only those times, fending for ourself, and the severe anxiety in us increased and our desires and needs to avoid others increased, for us three sons, such that we turned more and more inward and fearful of people. We still craved though relationships and friendships. Our sister turned narcissistic to cope with all that anxiety, abuse, and stress.
My wife who has ADHD has a severely cold mother who was not there for her for any emotional need when she was young. Her mother was a workaholic, and she talked in a very cold, fast, loud and serious way to her, and everyone. She did not care about my wife’s emotional needs those years she was a child, and she never wanted to spend time with her, or do things with her that she enjoyed. Her mother’s idea of showing care was paying the bills, and providing a prestigious place to live. Having mother and daughter talks were not important to my wife’s mom, nor celebrating holidays, nor finding out what my wife as a child wanted or needed. She needed attention, and someone to calm her during anxious times, and to create peaceful times, and she needed a mother who was not anxious, negative and cold about everything. I think her mother had both obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and general anxiety disorder.
Now, with regards to my wife and I as parents of two Autistic children, I am more introverted and the shyer type around groups of people, and my wife seems more extroverted, and more outwardly friendly and positive to strangers even. We each have very caring and warm sides, though I admit I have been been more nurturing to our children since early on, as I have since my self-help attempts long ago, have less problems, more tolerances, less limitations, and as I more aware of all the details needed to care for children, and have more abilities there. I am aware of the importance of a household that is peaceful and loving, and I am constantly focusing on what each child wants, needs and cannot handle.
This does not mean my wife was or is not loving towards each of our children, since infancy, as days when she has less stress and anxiety or is not hyper focused on some perceived problem, or when her mood is better she can do many things for our children, and be very positive, warm and nurturing, but under stress she can focus on her own problems and not be aware of or be able to provide our children’s specific basic and other needs, whereas I under stress can focus on someone else’s daily needs or issues, and care for and provide those, and since I love detail and analyzing a situation and providing those needs and solutions, and trying to multitask at times if need be.
Since each of our children’s birth, I daily have exhausted myself making sure each of our children’s attention and comfort needs were met, and their personal and educational needs, but allowing them space as well if they seemed wanting to do certain things independently. I even chronicled everything about our children and our parenting of them, in my last book, since each of our children’s births to about ages four and seven respectively, about three years ago. What I can say is soon after birth, both children had severe drinking issues, and it was extremely difficult for feedings. Not sure if that was an early sign of sensory issues. And one of the babies did not like being held. My wife did have severe mental health issues then, in terms of severe anxiety and hyperactivity, with preoccupations often on her own needs and anxieties, being hospitalized often. She did though attempt to hold the babies a lot and show warmth then too, but sometimes met resistance with pushing away arms. Admittedly, I have done more for our children daily, since their births and understand more what they want and need, but when she does things for them, sometimes at my asking, she is positive and warm.
Neither of our children fear people. Our oldest loves being around others and interacting with others. He is fearless there, and he even says he wants to get married one day. Socially he is maybe 1-2 years behind his age of ten, but most do not even notice his Autism. They just think he is small for his age. Our youngest, age seven, is still mostly nonverbal, but he is very clingy. He is next to and hugs or cuddles with both us parents daily. He likely does not fear people in general, but fears just new people and new situations, likely because change is scary for him, but he does not know how to interact with people. He is too hyperactive for that, and with too many sensory issues, and prefers to do his own thing. We talk to this child daily, and look for clues to tell us what he wants or needs.
So, I am not sure if I could discount 100% that neglect could not play some factor in the development of such lesser social functioning conditions. I do think genetics is involved, for Autism, but in some cases, could that genetics be partially from underdeveloped brain neurons in certain parts of the brain, when very young, from any less warmth or attention from one or both parents, because of any anxieties and needs to tend to those foremost. Not sure. I do know I was there for each child from infancy on, but I admit I was not the type to have baby talk with a baby, but to just hold and rock the babies, and let my wife know when feedings should occur, or if they needed something else. Only when they became about one age old would I start those many daily attempts at social and educational teaching interactions, and to this day I do such, and continue to do all the things for them that most mothers would.
