Realizing you're autistic, how'd you react?

[Lou Laurinen]

not directly related to your post, but....
Assuming the guy in your picture is your partner. What a nice picture of the two of you. You seem so happy together!
(Maybe you have had that picture for a while, but I only recently came back to the forums.)

Aww, thank you, that's so sweet!! Yes, that's my partner, Pekka... 11 days away from being my husband, actually

We are very happy together!

And it's nice to see you on here again. I was away for quite some time.

 

[vergil96]

The diagnosis was an very unpleasant surprise for me. I started to doubt my own judgement and unneccesarily. I don't know if it was needed at all. It helped in the way that I got to learn about where my panic attacks come from (overstimulation - crowd, light, loud sounds etc.) and how to prevent them. All the stress from overstimulation gave me depression too. And a constant feeling of being on edge. My mental health is a lot better now and I'm a calmer person. However, I think a casual observation and awareness of neurodiversity just in general and support about my sensitivity level would be better than throwing the autism label on me and stereotyping me in all kinds of ways that don't fit me at all.

There is also the hearing loss going on for me... I wonder why that was dismissed the whole time. The autism diagnosis drew my attention to disability topics, but ultimately a lot of what I'm dealing with wasn't autism. I think the way disability is handled in the medical system is cheap and ableist. Interestingly, even if you want to pay a lot of money out of your own pocket, the access to assistive devices is very poor. Because of either negative prejudiced attitudes (hearing aids make you deaf kind of thinking or a truly medieval approach - devices are evil!) or a serious and extremely harmful case of greed and laziness on the part of the professionals. It really shouldn't be taking place, imagine that someone had trouble reading, it made their life difficult and was refused a prescription for glasses over and over again for arbitrary reasons and would hear "why WoULd YoU wEar wIREs on Ya FaCE, it's uncomfortable!" from a real doctor. That's so dumb and backwards. Ugh!

 

[Ken]

I was self-diagnosed. I guess this makes a difference for many people. I never knew about autism throughout my life until 2019. I come from a community that is very backwards. I was diagnosed as mentally retarded. Unfortunately, in my school, in my family and in my community being different in any way was not tolerated. So, I was bullied a lot – almost continuously. My father and many others bullied me for recreation. My school had no accommodations for my condition, nor any empathy or compassion. Being like me was not tolerated so I was punished a lot. The harder I tried to be normal the worse it got. I felt profoundly defective. I was made to believe that I should be ashamed to be me. I have spent most of my life suicidal, desperately wanting out of this world where I do not belong. I don’t even understand how I am still here.

As mentioned, I learned about autism in 2019. It was extremely monumental for me. It was a discovery that I am not alone being like me and that there is even a word for my condition. Some say that a diagnosis is not really valid unless a licensed, trained doctor makes the diagnosis. Well, I disagree. Here is my analogy: If you suffer a terrible fall and feel an excruciating pain in your leg, then you look down and see that your leg is bent halfway between you knee and your ankle – then you do not need any doctor’s diagnosis to tell you that you have a broken leg. Well, my autism is “broken leg” level obvious.

My reaction? I was awe struck. It was a profound revelation. It was an answer. It was a relief to know that I am not alone and there are others like me and - and that being me is not shameful. And that all my life, the only issue was just the bigotry of my backwards community. I deeply envied many of the other kids in school. “Why can’t I be like them?” Well, those years are now history, but I recently looked them up. I found they all lead very unremarkable lives. I feel I did much better, career wise. I now feel much better about myself. I no longer feel defective. Instead, I feel like a perfectly normal autistic person.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I was perfectly fine with the diagnosis as it made a lot of things make so much more sense to me.

 

[SeeAnemone]

When I realized I was autistic I felt a weight of emotions. Most of them was grief, frustration and anger. I was religious at the time so I directed a lot of them towards God. I was angry that he didn't give me the impressive autism that makes you talented, intelligent or strongly motivated. I had the type that was least desirable in society. I grieved the life I could've had if I was neurotypical. I was angry that he handicapped me from birth.

Despite my outrage, I also felt relief. I felt relieved that my alienation had a name. That my uniqueness had a community and I'm glad that I've accepted this as myself.

I have become very religious before I found out, when I did find out I was angry at God for it, screaming at Him "why did you make me like this just to leave me here?"
I've come to a better place in my mind and I am grateful to have my faith now because of how unlovable autism has made me feel, I feel like an absolute burden and nobody in my life has ever loved me (aside from my children). I am grateful that I can count on one heart loving me immensely and unconditionally.

But also, in non religious terms, I feel angry and let down by everyone in my childhood for punishing me for things out of my control. I feel deeply misunderstood by people in general but especially medical professionals who misdiagnosed me and caused further issues with medications. Like you, I also feel relieved that I can finally understand myself, I don't have to make myself feel this deep guilt and shame anymore, I am free!

 

[Levelskid]

I said, "Oh. That explains a lot." And went about my day.

 

[velociraptor]

I said, "Oh. That explains a lot." And went about my day.

Pretty much. Having an official diagnosis (high-functioning Asperger's) wasn't like getting handed the Easter Egg in Ready Player One.

 

[Wolfiedog]

It was like a billion tons lifted off of me.

 

[lui]

i was enthusiastic during the whole testing, then when the diagnosis came i entered in denial lol (which wasnt very well-handled by my mom, who was insistent on hiding it) but eh i came to accept it afterwards. and luckily my mom educated herself

 

[BrianWV39]

One particularly painful aspect of my diagnosis was that I felt completely lost and alone afterwards. I had always used a knowledge of myself, my own thoughts, desires and beliefs as a way to understand others.

In short, I would take the way I perceived the world and the desires I had and give them to others. Don't get me wrong I always knew I was a little bit different. But I assumed those were just minor differences in the grand scheme of things.

Being diagnosed as autistic really was hard on me. Suddenly I can no longer use my own thought process as a way to understand others. I was never an overly social person, but my desires in life still came mostly from friends and lovers. Realizing how different I am though really made me question what kind of life I want to live and what kind of dreams I have about my future.

I still want to be in a romantic relationship. But my desire for friends is quite minimal.

 

[BrianWV39]

I was diagnosed almost three years ago. Whatever other emotions being diagnosed caused in me the most dominant emotion in me when I was diagnosed was that it completely broke my heart.

I fought so hard for so long to have friends, try and get dates, have a career, keep friends, work normal jobs, live a normal life. In hindsight it was all a waste of time, and I was fighting a battle I was always going to lose. In my early 20s I suffered from horrific stress, depression, and anxiety, all because I was trying to keep the friends I had miraculously had.

I was always going to lose those friends. I was always going to find myself alone. I was always going to be terribly lonely. It broke my heart.

 

[velociraptor]

live a normal life

I find normal boring. I aim for awesomeness.

 

[BrianWV39]

I find normal boring. I aim for awesomeness.

I would have been very happy with a normal life. I fought and tried so very hard for many years to get a normal life. A wife, one or two kids, a basic job, a simple house. I would have been so very happy. I gave it my all for so many years to achieve those things. For perhaps obvious reasons I never got close. Autism had different plans for me.

I am slightly proud of how long I fought for that life despite the odds being so stacked against me. I gave it an honest go. But I was always doomed

 

[velociraptor]

despite the odds being so stacked against me

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the odds are stacked against 99% of the population.

 

[BrianWV39]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the odds are stacked against 99% of the population.

I'm not sure what that means. At least in my experience the vast majority of people wound up with a relatively normal life. I am the oddball who is completely on his own.

 

[Shamar]

I would have been very happy with a normal life. I fought and tried so very hard for many years to get a normal life. A wife, one or two kids, a basic job, a simple house. I would have been so very happy. I gave it my all for so many years to achieve those things. For perhaps obvious reasons I never got close. Autism had different plans for me.

I am slightly proud of how long I fought for that life despite the odds being so stacked against me. I gave it an honest go. But I was always doomed

I realized at some level long before I was diagnosed that I was incapable of having friends or feeling love. I kept trying, but halfheartedly with an expectation of no results. A lifetime of fear, walls, and being constantly knocked down did me in. The diagnosis and realization merely confirmed it.

At least you kept trying and did not give up. That really is something to be proud of.

 

[BrianWV39]

I realized at some level long before I was diagnosed that I was incapable of having friends or feeling love. I kept trying, but halfheartedly with an expectation of no results. A lifetime of fear, walls, and being constantly knocked down did me in. The diagnosis and realization merely confirmed it.

At least you kept trying and did not give up. That really is something to be proud of.

Thanks. I am very capable of love and friendship

 

[Shamar]

Thanks. I am very capable of love and friendship

You are fairly new here, so perhaps a bit of context is in order. Besides autism and AD(no H)D, I suffer from social phobia (think social anxiety on steroids) and anthrophobia (fear of people, especially crowded places). In addition, things like body language, facial expression, innuendo or between the lines statements, and intonation are pretty much meaningless to me. I am also incapable of bonding or connecting to other people, even my parents. These all seem to be interrelated and connected with my autism.

I have written extensively about all this here on the forum in the past, although not all at once. Maybe I should.

 

[velociraptor]

I'm not sure what that means.

It means that most people have the odds stacked against them. Most of the families I know that look "normal", well, that's the surface veneer. Lots of defects under it.

 

[BrianWV39]

It means that most people have the odds stacked against them. Most of the families I know that look "normal", well, that's the surface veneer. Lots of defects under it.

What's the Tolstoy quote, "Every happy family is happy in the same way; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."