The Phantom
Well-Known Member
Hey everyone,
The Phantom's back!
I know it's been a long time since I last posted. I've been very busy with school and other things. I got diagnosed with generalized Anxiety back in August, and afterwards was in a months-long episode of anxious and depressive thoughts, which gave me very little time or motivation to do anything I actually enjoyed - just to paraphrase the whole ordeal, I don't really wish to go back and dive into it, as it was probably one of the worst periods of mental illness I've had to go through. However, on the bright side it has gotten much much better in the past few months and I am continuing to get better.
Another positive was turning 16 back in January (However I was a bit sad, I came back to this site to check if I had been included on the birthday thread and I wasn't
but I guess I can't blame you due to my long absence, haha ). I actually had a birthday party - alright, it was three people, including me, but at least I had one at all! I haven't had one since turning 13.
Socially things have been getting better, although I do admit that it's likely just a continuation of the cycle of me laughing at the idea of me being on the spectrum, and then the next day exhibiting extreme aspie-like behaviours so much that my parents get concerned and remembering why I thought so in the first place. Although after going through a psych-ed evaluation and not being diagnosed with Aspergers, I created a thread about it and several users told me that I cannot be diagnosed without going through an Asperger-specific evaluation, so there's still that option. But until then, I remain undiagnosed and simply highly convinced of the possibility. And although I know that late speech is usually associated more with classic autism than Aspergers, my dad revealed to me recently that I didn't speak until I was nearly three much later than what my mom told me, she told me I didn't speak until age one/nearly two.
Anyways, onto a much more personal topic. I've delved into some extremely personal details and information in my past posts, but due to the title you may be able to guess why this is much more sensitive. For the sake of brevity, my patience, and privacy, I'll try and adhere to as little minute details as possible. However, back in December I realized that I'm a Lesbian, and had only realized/acknowledged my romantic attraction to girls the year before. Without giving too much information, I'll just say that I believed my self to be romantically attracted to men and women (bi), but sexually attracted to none (asexual). However, after some very long, deep thinking, I realized that all my previous attractions' boys were half societal conditioning and pressure, and half me mistaking platonic feelings for romantic ones, to keep it simple. And I had been virulently denying my very obvious sexual attraction towards women for a very long time, and my general attraction that in retrospect was very apparent but something that I either didn't realize of tried very hard to suppress .
I realize that for my generation, coming to this conclusion at 15/16 is considered quite late, as most other LGBT kids will discover their identity at a very young age. But while there were some extremely obvious signs earlier on, I still didn't acknowledge them.
I don't know if I've mentioned this is past posts (I likely have), but aside from my family background (Asian Indian American and Catholic, to be precise), a lot of this must have come down to my being bullied in middle school. I didn't realize it had been bullying when it happened, and didn't realize the nature of that bullying until much later, but to make a long story short I was homophobically bullied at age 11/12 and it is probably one of the biggest causes of my sexual repression. I was called a Lesbian (that, and slurs for Lesbians that I don't wish to name), a man, transgender/transsexual (please be aware I don't view any of these things insulting in itself, to me it was the intent and malice behind it). I told people I was bullied for being a 'tomboy', which I was. I had a deep voice, a muscular build, dressed in baggy clothes and was friends with almost exclusively boys. However, these are also some pretty stereotypical signs of a girl being gay (just like the inverse of these things would be the traits of stereotypical gay guy). Which is why I believe that, as well as my family background (more conservative culture + Catholicism) caused me a lot of shame and mental health issues around my sexuality (at times I found my OCD and the thoughts that came with it increasing in intensity).
I eventually told my immediate family. My brother was completely fine and supportive, as he had suspected it years before, and we talk and joke about it often. Dad couldn't care less (in the good way). Mom is... another situation. Her best friend from college is gay and she is very supportive of him, but she is still from an older generation. Before she knew anything about me, she had openly (and exaggeratedly) shown her disgust at two women kissing on screen, going so far as to pretend to gag. She has used anti-Lesbian slurs in the past (although to be fair she didn't understand why they were so offensive - but in the sense of me feeling scared or ashamed that didn't matter). If she does accept that I'm attracted to women, she will definitely hold onto the idea of me being bi, and not full out gay, for a good while. She even asked me recently what kind of guys I find good looking - I went along with it as apathetically as I could because I didn't want to stir up another one of our fights that would only ending in tears or screaming. She still won't even admit to me being a tomboy (divorced from the concept of sexuality) despite it being obvious to most people who know me. She would always deny it when I referred to my middle school self as a tomboy, to the point of outright ridiculousness. To make another long story short, I have always had a lot of pressure on my shoulders to be a typical girly girl/ be feminine from her, despite that period of her controlling my style being long gone. And if my style itself has caused her enough disappointment, imagine me turning out to be a stereotypical Lesbian.
Well, I'll be honest, I don't really know how to end this post. But that's the whole deal on what's been going on with me for a while.
So if any of my old friends from this site just want to use this thread to catch up with me/say hi, I'd love to chat. Otherwise, any of your thoughts and support would be greatly appreciated from me.
It's great to be back,
The Phantom
The Phantom's back!
I know it's been a long time since I last posted. I've been very busy with school and other things. I got diagnosed with generalized Anxiety back in August, and afterwards was in a months-long episode of anxious and depressive thoughts, which gave me very little time or motivation to do anything I actually enjoyed - just to paraphrase the whole ordeal, I don't really wish to go back and dive into it, as it was probably one of the worst periods of mental illness I've had to go through. However, on the bright side it has gotten much much better in the past few months and I am continuing to get better.
Another positive was turning 16 back in January (However I was a bit sad, I came back to this site to check if I had been included on the birthday thread and I wasn't
but I guess I can't blame you due to my long absence, haha ). I actually had a birthday party - alright, it was three people, including me, but at least I had one at all! I haven't had one since turning 13. Socially things have been getting better, although I do admit that it's likely just a continuation of the cycle of me laughing at the idea of me being on the spectrum, and then the next day exhibiting extreme aspie-like behaviours so much that my parents get concerned and remembering why I thought so in the first place. Although after going through a psych-ed evaluation and not being diagnosed with Aspergers, I created a thread about it and several users told me that I cannot be diagnosed without going through an Asperger-specific evaluation, so there's still that option. But until then, I remain undiagnosed and simply highly convinced of the possibility. And although I know that late speech is usually associated more with classic autism than Aspergers, my dad revealed to me recently that I didn't speak until I was nearly three
much later than what my mom told me, she told me I didn't speak until age one/nearly two. Anyways, onto a much more personal topic. I've delved into some extremely personal details and information in my past posts, but due to the title you may be able to guess why this is much more sensitive. For the sake of brevity, my patience, and privacy, I'll try and adhere to as little minute details as possible. However, back in December I realized that I'm a Lesbian, and had only realized/acknowledged my romantic attraction to girls the year before. Without giving too much information, I'll just say that I believed my self to be romantically attracted to men and women (bi), but sexually attracted to none (asexual). However, after some very long, deep thinking, I realized that all my previous attractions' boys were half societal conditioning and pressure, and half me mistaking platonic feelings for romantic ones, to keep it simple. And I had been virulently denying my very obvious sexual attraction towards women for a very long time, and my general attraction that in retrospect was very apparent but something that I either didn't realize of tried very hard to suppress .
I realize that for my generation, coming to this conclusion at 15/16 is considered quite late, as most other LGBT kids will discover their identity at a very young age. But while there were some extremely obvious signs earlier on, I still didn't acknowledge them.
I don't know if I've mentioned this is past posts (I likely have), but aside from my family background (Asian Indian American and Catholic, to be precise), a lot of this must have come down to my being bullied in middle school. I didn't realize it had been bullying when it happened, and didn't realize the nature of that bullying until much later, but to make a long story short I was homophobically bullied at age 11/12 and it is probably one of the biggest causes of my sexual repression. I was called a Lesbian (that, and slurs for Lesbians that I don't wish to name), a man, transgender/transsexual (please be aware I don't view any of these things insulting in itself, to me it was the intent and malice behind it). I told people I was bullied for being a 'tomboy', which I was. I had a deep voice, a muscular build, dressed in baggy clothes and was friends with almost exclusively boys. However, these are also some pretty stereotypical signs of a girl being gay (just like the inverse of these things would be the traits of stereotypical gay guy). Which is why I believe that, as well as my family background (more conservative culture + Catholicism) caused me a lot of shame and mental health issues around my sexuality (at times I found my OCD and the thoughts that came with it increasing in intensity).
I eventually told my immediate family. My brother was completely fine and supportive, as he had suspected it years before, and we talk and joke about it often. Dad couldn't care less (in the good way). Mom is... another situation. Her best friend from college is gay and she is very supportive of him, but she is still from an older generation. Before she knew anything about me, she had openly (and exaggeratedly) shown her disgust at two women kissing on screen, going so far as to pretend to gag. She has used anti-Lesbian slurs in the past (although to be fair she didn't understand why they were so offensive - but in the sense of me feeling scared or ashamed that didn't matter). If she does accept that I'm attracted to women, she will definitely hold onto the idea of me being bi, and not full out gay, for a good while. She even asked me recently what kind of guys I find good looking - I went along with it as apathetically as I could because I didn't want to stir up another one of our fights that would only ending in tears or screaming. She still won't even admit to me being a tomboy (divorced from the concept of sexuality) despite it being obvious to most people who know me. She would always deny it when I referred to my middle school self as a tomboy, to the point of outright ridiculousness. To make another long story short, I have always had a lot of pressure on my shoulders to be a typical girly girl/ be feminine from her, despite that period of her controlling my style being long gone. And if my style itself has caused her enough disappointment, imagine me turning out to be a stereotypical Lesbian.
Well, I'll be honest, I don't really know how to end this post. But that's the whole deal on what's been going on with me for a while.
So if any of my old friends from this site just want to use this thread to catch up with me/say hi, I'd love to chat. Otherwise, any of your thoughts and support would be greatly appreciated from me.
It's great to be back,
The Phantom
