Question about social skills

[Oz67]

How do I know if someone is lying to me or not? My core symptom of Autism Spectrum Disorder makes it hard for me to learn from my mistakes from being taken advantage of, and sometimes the police are involved.

 

[Judge]

There is no simple, certain or foolproof way of telling if someone is lying to you, particularly in real time.

Poker "tells" are all fine and well perhaps in a card game, but such things cannot be effectively used to determine the difference between nervousness and someone simply not telling the truth.

About the only time I ever witnessed someone who could effectively determine a liar was a claims investigator who had more than 20 years of law enforcement experience and advanced interrogation skills.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The first thing is consider the source. Are they putting you in a position to be manipulated? Is there an asymmetry of knowledge or risk between you and the person telling you something? Is there independent verification? Do you feel safe?

 

[PastelPetals]

I have to learn a person really to be able to tell and I also need their baseline to be truth and even then it can be tough. My advice is to have some ground rules. Odd shifts in typical behaviours or opinions in a person can signal lying so is increased or decreased detail in what they tell you. If it seems too good or too bad or too big of a deal or too small of a deal don't make snap judgements sit down and think about it. Nothing is perfect but it can help.

 

[Luca]

I often assume everyone is lying (irl mostly) which is a result of PTSD and being manipulated by people in a position of power for many years. And also being bullied.

I know this isn’t right, but when people compliment me or want to be my friend I often assume it’s facetious or insulting

I usually need to be convinced by other people who know the situation that someone is not being deceptive or malicious. So I guess my advice would be, if you think someone isn’t being honest, ask for a second opinion from someone you DO trust.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I know this isn’t right, but when people compliment me or want to be my friend I often assume it’s facetious or insulting

I didn't realize this until now but I do the same. Technically it makes a lot of sense, because it's a surefire way to never have to go through anything bad again, or to prevent a certain type of trauma from recurring.

My reframing ideology is: everyone is evil. Some may call it maladaptive, but I'm cool with that for now

OP: In my experience, NTs are at least white-lying a good amount of the time. They're expecting you to do the same, which can be really difficult to come to terms with if you (like me) have a hard time telling lies, but can also mask as an NT (for example: "Does this shirt make me look fat?").

Definitely assume they're lying just to be safe, but seek clarification and try to find some understanding to avoid becoming a bitter person like me

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I know this isn’t right, but when people compliment me or want to be my friend I often assume it’s facetious or insulting

While I am initially wary of that, in practice, having had people make me feel small and worthless in the past, I enjoy honestly complementing people to have them feel good about themselves.

 

[Nick12]

i think my social skills are very good

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

i think my social skills are very good

How do you discern those who lie to you for advantage? What the OP wrote.

 

[Au Naturel]

Use your reasoning ability. Does the statement - or anything that logically follows from it - conflict with something you know to be objectively true?

Could this person benefit if they were lying? If they could, you have to assume a lie is possible. You don't have to call their assertion a lie but you cannot blithely assume that it is true. Until you find solid evidence otherwise, act under the assumption that it might not be true.

OTOH, what incentives does the person have to state the truth? Would a lie to you that you believed result in a loss to them? In either case, self-interest is your guide.

Read the fine print of any document. If you don't understand the fine print, don't sign it or assume verbal assurances to be true. In a legal matter, only the printed words count.

And how much do you trust this person? Have they lied to you before? Past performance is predictive of future prevarication. If you get to know someone well enough you can even begin to predict in advance those situations in which truth becomes optional for them.

In all cases, CYA.

 

[grommet]

How do I know if someone is lying to me or not? My core symptom of Autism Spectrum Disorder makes it hard for me to learn from my mistakes from being taken advantage of, and sometimes the police are involved.

I have this problem too, it is very scary. So many times someone else near by will tell me the person who just spoke to me was lying. I did not know that. I cannot find a solution.

 

[Slim Jim]

Unless you're a police detecive, it's not easy to spot if somebody is lying. There are signs, but unless you hook somebody up to lie detector machine. You can only guess. But being nervous, or just having social anxiety, can appear as deception or dishonesty. So you can't just look at a person and say if they are truthful or not.

 

[Au Naturel]

I have this problem too, it is very scary. So many times someone else near by will tell me the person who just spoke to me was lying. I did not know that. I cannot find a solution.

And until you can verify, you don't know if the person who told you the other guy was lying was themself lying.

Really, the only way to get through life is to assume that there is a risk that anything someone tells you might be a lie unless and until you can independently verify it. The more they benefit from a lie, the greater chance of it. Behave so as not to be vulnerable in case they are lying.

NTs are so into the "social lies" and "white lies" they do not consider them as lies. Same thing is true for lies on resumes. They don't really count. Most people do not consider exaggerations to be lies. If they are telling you a falsehood "for your own good" they don't consider it a lie. Lies of omission are often not considered lies unless there's a legal obligation to tell the whole truth. Saying they "know" something even if they lack any evidence for it isn't usually considered a lie either.

Then again, an opinion isn't a lie (even though opinions are often stated to sound like facts) nor statements of faith and neither is simply being incorrect. A lie always contains the conscious intent to deceive.

Many lies simply do not matter. Unless it is a matter of malice or fraud, I don't worry about it. Lying in and of itself isn't even considered a sin unless there is malicious intent regarding a person. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

 

[grommet]

And until you can verify, you don't know if the person who told you the other guy was lying was themself lying.

Really, the only way to get through life is to assume that there is a risk that anything someone tells you might be a lie unless and until you can independently verify it. The more they benefit from a lie, the greater chance of it. Behave so as not to be vulnerable in case they are lying.

NTs are so into the "social lies" and "white lies" they do not consider them as lies. Same thing is true for lies on resumes. They don't really count. Most people do not consider exaggerations to be lies. If they are telling you a falsehood "for your own good" they don't consider it a lie. Lies of omission are often not considered lies unless there's a legal obligation to tell the whole truth. Saying they "know" something even if they lack any evidence for it isn't usually considered a lie either.

Then again, an opinion isn't a lie (even though opinions are often stated to sound like facts) nor statements of faith and neither is simply being incorrect. A lie always contains the conscious intent to deceive.

Many lies simply do not matter. Unless it is a matter of malice or fraud, I don't worry about it. Lying in and of itself isn't even considered a sin unless there is malicious intent regarding a person. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

I found this very interesting, especially when you said, "The more they benefit from a lie, the greater chance of it."

This taught me a lot and I will be thinking about. Thank you very much.

Something just occurred to me. If they lie so much and do not consider most of their lies as bad things, do they think we lie just as often and that is why we are so often confused and hurt when they keep asking us the same question or do not believe us?

I love it when I hear an autistic person say "Yes" or "No". I know the answer then. The real and final answer and unlike when NT's say things I know I do not have to think about it any more. It is so much easier.

Over and over though I feel deeply hurt when I answer and NT's question and they keep asking me, probing to find the "real truth". Why do they think I am lying to them? (rhetorical question though, I do not know the answer). It hurts me horribly. After it happened to me recently I was terribly upset for days.