So yeah, the last few months have been interesting. Some forward progress, some backwards steps. A tad frustrating.
At the end of last year, I finally came out to the rest of the family. The extended family is enormous... like seriously I have many cousins who I've never met before... and most importantly my mom & stepfather both know. Nobody was surprised.
However, all of that hasnt really made things easier. I'm just as socially anxious as ever, and I've found myself mostly avoiding everyone outside of immediate family. It's hard to say just why. I feel that it's partly because I've become such a recluse. Dont get me wrong, I'm not 100% stuck in the house or anything. I go outside and whatnot. But at the same time, when outside, I'm mostly in my car, which is a sanctuary of sorts for me. So I'm usually either sealed up in this room, or sealed up in the car (but at least that is outside and can move).
Right now, I am here:
A bit of a mess. Right now my dog sleeps behind me, I think something spooked her upstairs. She's a wheaten terrier, they tend to be a bit paranoid. Wires everywhere, the PC is backwards so I have easy access to the various ports on the back as I very frequently switch things out. Art desk is to the left, with the battery unit under that.
Ya know, the flag is interesting. Growing up, I always found the idea of "representation" to be confusing. I dont mean pride flags. I mean anything. I would see others with like, posters on their walls of stuff like their favorite bands or whatever, things they were into, stuff that they had a connection to. I never really had anything like that, going around in a daze as I tended to throughout my school years and beyond. Now though, I think I understand. There's a validation there, a satisfaction. It helps a lot more than I could have guessed... I see why many consider it to be important, whatever form it takes. I've learned that sometimes, even just a seemingly small thing can go a long way towards helping someone. I suppose that is likely obvious to many, but I hadnt *really* understood it until recently.
My depression overall has lessened, but only somewhat. Dysphoria is a nasty beast. Combine that of course with autism related challenges, and it can all be quite harsh. I'm still struggling with the idea of presenting differently. It's not a matter of difficulty. I was told by a number of people that I dont exactly need much makeup and such to pass. And indeed, a few experiments recently and I see what they mean. It would be so easy... and yet, I've been reluctant about it. Why? I dont know. I mean, technically I've done it before. All the cosplay and whatnot that I'd done before. It was easy then too. Still though, I've held back. It's definitely frustrating... often I feel like I'm never quite in control of myself in some ways. Like, I cant quite just freaking DO it. Not just with this, but with many things. It's always been an issue, and it's bloody irritating.
There's been some progress in other areas though, somewhat. I've been more active recently, a lot more active. Doing hobbies, doing chores... ya know, I realized something. School... and later, jobs I had... had given me this sort of loathing for anything that felt like work. I struggled with a lot of things back then, and constantly being told (by teachers or employers) that I just couldnt do things right, that I just made mistake after mistake... yeah. It's hard to want to be useful when you've spent years being told you are useless. As my depression has started to finally crack though, that's been changing. Suddenly there's a desire to DO things. I recently set up a whiteboard with a list of things to do each day. I havent been perfect at following it, but I'm doing better than I thought I could. Less lethargy, more action.
That can be tough though. Depression really messed me up. I lost a ton of weight in a short time (this being before I'd fully come out), and anyone that's gone through that probably knows just how draining that is. Physically, I am quite frail at the moment. I'm getting a bit better, but that is one slow process. Annoying, really... I tend to have a LOT of energy all the time, but physically I cant keep up with that. I'm doing my best though to stay active anyway, and I've made a lot of dietary changes. I'd forgotten how much I liked broccoli. Ya put some margarine on it, heat it up, lovely. Used to get the packed up frozen meal sort, but recently my stepmother started buying the super fresh hydrated sort. Just amazing how much better that is.
Still challenged by the stupid addiction to freaking Youtube too, though I'm doing my best to finally break that habit. Particularly as the internet just keeps getting worse. It's all so corporate now. Boy do I ever miss the early days of it. When it was wild weirdness everywhere, and you never knew what you'd find. Feh.
Not sure what else to say. Mostly, that's how things have been. I did have one big win lately. I had to do a totally unexpected stay over at my mom's house for a night. The power company had sent out a message saying that the power was going to be down for at least 5 hours, and this was getting close to bedtime. The issue is that we're out in the middle of nowhere. We arent connected to the town's water supply, and that means we're on a well, which means a pump. The power goes out, it takes the water with it. There's some obvious issues with that... for me, I cant exactly wash my hands and such while that's going on. So, went over there for the night instead. I hadnt done that in months due to anxiety, but I made it through a very unexpected stay (normally, I need to schedule stuff like that in advance). It really was quite nice. They had bought this giant TV / monitor after the last time I'd been there, so I could use my game consoles and watch stuff and whatnot while there, so I used that for the first time. A good experience.
And here's some other photos just for the fun of it:
That's the other side of the room, with my art stuff on the right, and my board game area in the back. Odd thing about this room: it's the middle of summer here, very hot outside. This room is still freezing most of the time. I keep a heater thing down here, it is on currently. Other odd thing: There are no overhead lights in the back of the room there. This room was designed originally to mimic a movie theater, so there's no lights near the screen there.
That's the "stuff table". Lots of stuff indeed. Also, the theater curtain there finally got washed recently, so that's nice.
That's my whiteboard. It's got magnets I can use to mark when things are done. Notice "chess practice" there, I've been really going at that recently... I decided to dive in and really take it seriously. Lots of studying. I'm not very good, but I'm learning. I got a "smart board" recently which has been lovely.
Another bit of representation / validation, I think. I'd never gotten Christmas cards like these before, that was a first. They've been sitting out on the... er... whatever that area behind the bar is called. That's a photo I took just earlier... I have no idea why the ceramic tree is still there. It's been there, and turned on, all year. A bit of a relic, that thing. Used to belong to my grandmother on my father's side... though she passed away when I was still a kid. Really I dont know why it's there right now. But hey, I dont make the rules around here.
This is something I wanted to show real quick. This was something I got for Christmas. It's a... er... I think it's called a Zen board? There's water in the basin there, and you paint on it with that. The thing with it is that it's meant to be spontaneous, not much thought, that's the whole idea, as the picture vanishes after about 5 minutes. It's something that can help me relax a bit when I'm stressed out.
And there, that's enough rambling out of me.
At the end of last year, I finally came out to the rest of the family. The extended family is enormous... like seriously I have many cousins who I've never met before... and most importantly my mom & stepfather both know. Nobody was surprised.
However, all of that hasnt really made things easier. I'm just as socially anxious as ever, and I've found myself mostly avoiding everyone outside of immediate family. It's hard to say just why. I feel that it's partly because I've become such a recluse. Dont get me wrong, I'm not 100% stuck in the house or anything. I go outside and whatnot. But at the same time, when outside, I'm mostly in my car, which is a sanctuary of sorts for me. So I'm usually either sealed up in this room, or sealed up in the car (but at least that is outside and can move).
Right now, I am here:
A bit of a mess. Right now my dog sleeps behind me, I think something spooked her upstairs. She's a wheaten terrier, they tend to be a bit paranoid. Wires everywhere, the PC is backwards so I have easy access to the various ports on the back as I very frequently switch things out. Art desk is to the left, with the battery unit under that.
Ya know, the flag is interesting. Growing up, I always found the idea of "representation" to be confusing. I dont mean pride flags. I mean anything. I would see others with like, posters on their walls of stuff like their favorite bands or whatever, things they were into, stuff that they had a connection to. I never really had anything like that, going around in a daze as I tended to throughout my school years and beyond. Now though, I think I understand. There's a validation there, a satisfaction. It helps a lot more than I could have guessed... I see why many consider it to be important, whatever form it takes. I've learned that sometimes, even just a seemingly small thing can go a long way towards helping someone. I suppose that is likely obvious to many, but I hadnt *really* understood it until recently.
My depression overall has lessened, but only somewhat. Dysphoria is a nasty beast. Combine that of course with autism related challenges, and it can all be quite harsh. I'm still struggling with the idea of presenting differently. It's not a matter of difficulty. I was told by a number of people that I dont exactly need much makeup and such to pass. And indeed, a few experiments recently and I see what they mean. It would be so easy... and yet, I've been reluctant about it. Why? I dont know. I mean, technically I've done it before. All the cosplay and whatnot that I'd done before. It was easy then too. Still though, I've held back. It's definitely frustrating... often I feel like I'm never quite in control of myself in some ways. Like, I cant quite just freaking DO it. Not just with this, but with many things. It's always been an issue, and it's bloody irritating.
There's been some progress in other areas though, somewhat. I've been more active recently, a lot more active. Doing hobbies, doing chores... ya know, I realized something. School... and later, jobs I had... had given me this sort of loathing for anything that felt like work. I struggled with a lot of things back then, and constantly being told (by teachers or employers) that I just couldnt do things right, that I just made mistake after mistake... yeah. It's hard to want to be useful when you've spent years being told you are useless. As my depression has started to finally crack though, that's been changing. Suddenly there's a desire to DO things. I recently set up a whiteboard with a list of things to do each day. I havent been perfect at following it, but I'm doing better than I thought I could. Less lethargy, more action.
That can be tough though. Depression really messed me up. I lost a ton of weight in a short time (this being before I'd fully come out), and anyone that's gone through that probably knows just how draining that is. Physically, I am quite frail at the moment. I'm getting a bit better, but that is one slow process. Annoying, really... I tend to have a LOT of energy all the time, but physically I cant keep up with that. I'm doing my best though to stay active anyway, and I've made a lot of dietary changes. I'd forgotten how much I liked broccoli. Ya put some margarine on it, heat it up, lovely. Used to get the packed up frozen meal sort, but recently my stepmother started buying the super fresh hydrated sort. Just amazing how much better that is.
Still challenged by the stupid addiction to freaking Youtube too, though I'm doing my best to finally break that habit. Particularly as the internet just keeps getting worse. It's all so corporate now. Boy do I ever miss the early days of it. When it was wild weirdness everywhere, and you never knew what you'd find. Feh.
Not sure what else to say. Mostly, that's how things have been. I did have one big win lately. I had to do a totally unexpected stay over at my mom's house for a night. The power company had sent out a message saying that the power was going to be down for at least 5 hours, and this was getting close to bedtime. The issue is that we're out in the middle of nowhere. We arent connected to the town's water supply, and that means we're on a well, which means a pump. The power goes out, it takes the water with it. There's some obvious issues with that... for me, I cant exactly wash my hands and such while that's going on. So, went over there for the night instead. I hadnt done that in months due to anxiety, but I made it through a very unexpected stay (normally, I need to schedule stuff like that in advance). It really was quite nice. They had bought this giant TV / monitor after the last time I'd been there, so I could use my game consoles and watch stuff and whatnot while there, so I used that for the first time. A good experience.
And here's some other photos just for the fun of it:
That's the other side of the room, with my art stuff on the right, and my board game area in the back. Odd thing about this room: it's the middle of summer here, very hot outside. This room is still freezing most of the time. I keep a heater thing down here, it is on currently. Other odd thing: There are no overhead lights in the back of the room there. This room was designed originally to mimic a movie theater, so there's no lights near the screen there.
That's the "stuff table". Lots of stuff indeed. Also, the theater curtain there finally got washed recently, so that's nice.
That's my whiteboard. It's got magnets I can use to mark when things are done. Notice "chess practice" there, I've been really going at that recently... I decided to dive in and really take it seriously. Lots of studying. I'm not very good, but I'm learning. I got a "smart board" recently which has been lovely.
Another bit of representation / validation, I think. I'd never gotten Christmas cards like these before, that was a first. They've been sitting out on the... er... whatever that area behind the bar is called. That's a photo I took just earlier... I have no idea why the ceramic tree is still there. It's been there, and turned on, all year. A bit of a relic, that thing. Used to belong to my grandmother on my father's side... though she passed away when I was still a kid. Really I dont know why it's there right now. But hey, I dont make the rules around here.
This is something I wanted to show real quick. This was something I got for Christmas. It's a... er... I think it's called a Zen board? There's water in the basin there, and you paint on it with that. The thing with it is that it's meant to be spontaneous, not much thought, that's the whole idea, as the picture vanishes after about 5 minutes. It's something that can help me relax a bit when I'm stressed out.
And there, that's enough rambling out of me.
