Problem with friendships...

[nintendogurl1990]

Ever since I was a child, I've been overly attached to friends I feel very close to. I get jealous when they hang out with other people. I become anxious and upset when they don't respond to my phone calls or emails. And I become crushed when they ignore my friend requests for Facebook.

Recently I found an old friend on Facebook. I sent her a friend request, but she didn't respond. She did respond to request from my other friends right away, though. After a few days, she ignored my request. I was really disappointed because I was hoping to hang out with her again (and I have a secret crush on her.) But what really set me off was when I saw a photo of three of my friends hanging out with her at a restaurant, without me. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cried that night and the next morning I even contemplated suicide (I know this seems a little dramatic, but that's how I really felt.)

I don't want to be overly attached to other people anymore. What should I do to have healthier friendships?

 

[superboyian]

This is the problem some people I actually know who goes through so much pain in friendship wise, even I'm actually weirdly attached to people and I pretty much used to react the same way whenever friends would ignore me or even get to the point of actually even blocking me.

I pretty much avoid going on facebook to prevent myself from getting worked up and at some point, I just stopped caring for people who treated me badly throughout the years of my life and I just be happy with myself and only trust myself for now.

 

[jedi]

I've pretty much adapted in the same way as you superboyan. I shut people out once they do wrong by me figuring that will prevent them wronging me further. On the other hand, when I feel connected with others I let more go than I should and get taken advantage of repeatedly. I find the toughest call in all this is in discerning friends from those who are users. I don't want to lose a friend, and I don't like reaching the conclusion that a person I've liked isn't one. Sometimes I even make my mind up about whether I like a person and want their friendship before I've come to know what they're like... it could be something like a similar expression to that I've come across from a person I no longer like or even something else which reminds me of other personalities I don't agree with. Illogical? I think not; brash, inconsiderate, rude, judgemental, yes - maybe. I could improve myself, if it weren't for my appreciation of understanding such matters taking precedence over the moralistic ideals that are thrust upon us as a society toward equality and acceptance of every personality / individual.
Everyone "clicks" with someone - not everyone will clash with you. That's why it's important to choose your friends wisely, and find others who you relate to properly. In doing that you've already eliminated half the relationship up keeping effort that is bound to be uncomfortable.

 

[eon]

Friends are people who make you feel good consistently over time. People being friendly toward you does not make them a friend.

Those 2 sentences are recent learning, I got it from this very awesome book I got from socialthinking.com, which was recommended by Dr. Tony Attwood in the references for the complete guide to AS.

I've spent my life disliking people by default and determining myself not to require friends or social links.

I have some practical queries about what you've shared.
1- how do you know they ignored you on facebook?

I guess that's the only one.

That said. I will share something about me.

I once thought I had an incredible friend online. I met them in dark age of camelot, then started chatting with them. My key mistake was probably in the beginnings of this, as at first I allowed them to believe I was female, which was simply an assumption they made. I realized what an awesome someone they were as we were first chatting, so I attempted to correct the assumption. (Let's refer to them as M). It was kind of awkward. However, it seemed to work ok. Then, I started being contacted by someone who was supposed to be their best friend (J), and I liked them too. It was someone M had told me about at length. Then, the two of them started trying to convince me to move to their state and get out of the destructive environment of my home life that I'd been enduring. And that worked on me. I had gone as far as buying a bus ticket from money I had been more or less forced to save from part time work during high school (my parental unit- father and step parent- were fanatical folks fixated on the idea I had to go on a religious mission). Then, I got zero responses or anything from either of them when I attempted to let them know I had the ticket and communicate the timeframes and everything. This is basically a pattern that continued every single time we'd set up a meetup, I'd get blamed for doing something wrong and have to apologize, one of them would disappear for a while. It's complicated as to how it kept being repaired (I had ended up moving to a new state where M was supposed to live, pre-existing so I know it couldn't have been engineered), but one day I noticed that their emails to me both sourced from the same IP address in the one state. J was supposed to be living on the end of the country. So I sort of became aware that I was being set up, or baited, again and again. Although I really feel I learned or benefitted a lot from the interactions, the stories that had been shared with me [M was a lesbian who had been persecuted at length being raised in a similar environment to mine of religious fanaticism, J was her closest friend but was supposedly straight], this also falsified a lot of feeling I thought I had about attachment to either one of them. M was like a parent, nurturing sort of force, and J was more like a mutual affection like extremely strong friend. I had this idea that we could meet and get married, I realize now that was heavily encouraged by J as part of the baiting.

During the whole time-- the majority of a whole year-- I was sort of fixated on interacting with them. It was of special interest intensity. I've tended to do that with even people I knew from school/church and thought I was friends with, and it more turns out I was just annoying them above all else, and was being perceived as inserting myself where I didn't belong. Because I'm so obtuse and always have been, this didn't begin to get me thinking "what is really going on here" about myself quite yet.

Moral of the story.... other people's behavior is often disingenuous. No one is going to tell you if you're not wanted around them, for the most part. They may harmfully lead you on. I strongly recommend the book ("Socially Curious and Curiously Social") as it presents an actual model of making a better friend.

 

[Sofi]

I have the same problem as you with friendships. I become too attached and it ends badly too and I have lost friends. I don't really have any friends now because I don't know how to do it "normally" either.

 

[jaws]

I agree with all the above posts. I ultimately decided that if you want friends or a more intimate relationship, you have to risk the possibility of the hurt. I often feel the reward is not worth the risk, so I find myself cycling through times in my life where I seek and have friends and times when I only focus on myself. I've really only had a couple of friendships that I felt really reciprocated my efforts and even those friendships ended...not sure why or how, we just sort of drifted apart. I think I may have been the contributing factor, as I probably was so focused on other things in my life, that I ended up ignoring those relationships for too long.

 

[nintendogurl1990]

I agree with all the above posts. I ultimately decided that if you want friends or a more intimate relationship, you have to risk the possibility of the hurt. I often feel the reward is not worth the risk, so I find myself cycling through times in my life where I seek and have friends and times when I only focus on myself. I've really only had a couple of friendships that I felt really reciprocated my efforts and even those friendships ended...not sure why or how, we just sort of drifted apart. I think I may have been the contributing factor, as I probably was so focused on other things in my life, that I ended up ignoring those relationships for too long.

You're right. I should be concentrating on my TRUE friends and not those who ditch me once they lose intrest in me.

 

[LlaLla]

Hey there,

I'm not quite sure whether I am an aspie or not yet (still looking into it!) but this sounds exactly like me.

I had a friend I was always with in primary school, and all through high school. Some time after high school, we drifted apart, and saw each other more and more rarely. I suspect that now she has other friends she doesn't want to talk to me any more...

I get jealous when I see her talking to other friends on facebook. Some times I try to talk to her on MSN but she doesn't reply. I didn't really have any other close friends growing up, so I suppose I became quite emotionally dependant on her. No matter how I try, I can't get over it, and its not getting any better. And its been a few years now. I haven't had any friends for a few years now, besides my boyfriend, so maybe that is why I can't move on.

I feel so ashamed for not being able to get over it. I find myself thinking about her all the time and how much fun we used to have. I do hope that one day I can get over it and make some more friends

 

[Billi]

I have one friend I have a strong attachment to, we were best friends in grade school, and even were "going steady" for about three days in middle school,I was totally fixated on her for years in school, we were not close in high school, and lost touch afterwards.. But i always wondered what she was up to. We have reconnected on facebook and are chat often, we share some common interests, and i would like to see her, but I don't want to be stalkerish. I don't have any romantic interest in her and she knows I'm gay.
But mostly what I do with potential friends is to hit it off great when I meet them, see them somewhere else and we talk again, and say we should do something, maybe even get there number, but I never follow up. They might invite me to a cook out, but I won't go, If we do become friends and do hang out it will be because they pursued the friendship. I never will think "I wonder what Joe is doing, I haven't heard from him in a while" Once someone is not around me anymore I rarely will think of them again.

 

[Sketchy]

There's so much here I agree with, particularly not doing my part to maintain healthy friendships, and also finding myself in bad ones without realizing it soon enough. I think the key for me would be picking up the phone but it just never occurs to me. I've had many people complain that they always have to call me...and even after they whine about it, I still don't pick up the phone.

 

[Billi]

I am terrible with keeping in contact with people. Once someone is not around me, I don't really think about them. I used to have a few close friends, but they all moved away, and I never heard from them again. The only people I socialize with now are people I bicycle with. This one guy is trying to be a friend, I've known him a year. He has invited me to go on rides with him several times over the past year, but it never has worked out. He always come to talk to me at events, and he takes a genuine interest in what I'm up to. He knows I'm gay, and he's never mentioned it, except to ask about my partner. It just really dawned on me this week that he is trying very hard to be a friend, and I haven't been making it easy. We are carpooling about an hour to a Century Ride (100mile) on Saturday, so we will be spending the whole day together. I'm looking forward to it, and carpooling was his idea. I'm going to TRY to talk less about my crap, and ask him about himself.

 

[Billi]

I found this while I was thinking about what I wrote and it made me laugh at the irony, since this describes me pretty well.

"Make eye contact and smile. If you have an unfriendly countenance, people are less likely to be receptive to your friendship. Be approachable by not squinting (get some glasses), looking bored, frowning or appearing blankly deadpan, folding your arms or hanging out in a corner; such habits may make you look troubled or disinterested."
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends

I once had a wise older friend who liked watching people, he would point out people, and the way the came across, or something telling about their character. I was whining onetime about not having a boyfriend. He told me I often appeared "unapproachable" I didn't understand what he meant, and he didn't elaborate. I know what that means now, but still don't understand how to change that. I met my partner simply because I got bolder at approaching the guys I was interested in meeting.

 

[Balamvucub]

I am terrible with keeping in contact with people. Once someone is not around me, I don't really think about them. I used to have a few close friends, but they all moved away, and I never heard from them again. The only people I socialize with now are people I bicycle with. This one guy is trying to be a friend, I've known him a year. He has invited me to go on rides with him several times over the past year, but it never has worked out. He always come to talk to me at events, and he takes a genuine interest in what I'm up to. He knows I'm gay, and he's never mentioned it, except to ask about my partner. It just really dawned on me this week that he is trying very hard to be a friend, and I haven't been making it easy. We are carpooling about an hour to a Century Ride (100mile) on Saturday, so we will be spending the whole day together. I'm looking forward to it, and carpooling was his idea. I'm going to TRY to talk less about my crap, and ask him about himself.

That would be on way to go, if you two have a genuine interest in common, and enjoy each others company,this can work,and if you do not have a partner,tell him,let him know your'e 'available. I hope that I am not being to forward here,if so let me know.

 

[Billi]

When I say "friend" I mean just that. And to me Balamvucub, there is no such thing as too forward, although other people have said that about me.The guy I'm taking about is straight, and I already have a partner. I think it went pretty well, mostly we just talked about bicycling, a shared interest. He asked me all about the two cyclocross races I was in a few weeks ago. I did ask him a few questions about himself, but it didn't really get any conversation going. I realized he just doesn't really seem to talk much about himself. I think doing a 100 mile bike ride together with some other people has made us better friends. I know that shared experiences are often a component of friendships. We have planned another ride, but it will be after the new year sometime.

 

[jaws]

When I say "friend" I mean just that. And to me Balamvucub, there is no such thing as too forward, although other people have said that about me.The guy I'm taking about is straight, and I already have a partner. I think it went pretty well, mostly we just talked about bicycling, a shared interest. He asked me all about the two cyclocross races I was in a few weeks ago. I did ask him a few questions about himself, but it didn't really get any conversation going. I realized he just doesn't really seem to talk much about himself. I think doing a 100 mile bike ride together with some other people has made us better friends. I know that shared experiences are often a component of friendships. We have planned another ride, but it will be after the new year sometime.

Billi (I love your Hugh avatar, BTW) - I think it sounds like you are doing fine with making a new friend. I've often found my longest lasting and best friendships were the ones I did not have to put a lot of effort into...if I have to try too hard, I eventually start to build resentment or push them away because I get too overwhelmed. Good luck!

 

[zombiegirl]

When I was a kid, and teenager I used to get overly attached to the few friends I had. i would get possessive, and jealous if they wanted to have others friends. After entering adulthood, and being hurt by countless friends, significant others, coworkers, bosses, etc...i've become someone who doesn't like people very much. I will and do cut off someone when they hurt me even once.

These days, I have only one friend, although their are many that I think consider me their friend, but I won't hang out with them because I don't trust them or I simply feel we don't have enough common interests to bother.