I was in constant pain before I realized I was an Aspie and now I am terribly angry and resentful. I am almost 70 and didn't learn I was an Aspie until I was in my 60s. All I knew before that almost no one liked me, I didn't have a clue why I was so different, I sometimes tried to pretend to be normal, and at other times I was just angry at the world. I was helpless to MAKE the world accept me and I could fake it only for short periods. My parents constantly criticized me for "having to always be different." I frequently forgot to be phony and simply reacted and then realized I had again showed my true colors. I never seemed to care about the things my peers did and I often felt they were just plain stupid to follow the crowd and all act alike. I was an excellent student and very intellectually competitive so I felt good about myself for being a really good student. I was good in music and loved singing and playing in bands and orchestras. I was a voracious reader. I just kept trying to keep a low profile and "fit in" enough to get and hold a decent job. I was first a Music Ed teacher and then a Registered Nurse. However, I was always on the outside looking in. I was, and still am, an alien in a hostile environment. I was afraid for my job most of the time and frequently was criticized foe not being "normal."
When I finally realized I had AS I tried very hard to remember to react as others did, but I frequently reacted first and then remembered I should have tried to be more normal. There is still no way I can stop myself all the time from showing my Aspieness. I was depressed, angry, alienated, afraid and totally miserable and hated the fact that I had been born so different and that no one seemed to care that I couldn't help myself. Learning I had AS was a gut wrenching process. I am very defensive because I am handicapped in this world and no one gives a damn. They just lecture me to act "NORMAL!!!" It is exhausting to constantly try to stay on the right side of NTs and because I was able to retire at 62 I simply became a hermit. I can do OK going out in the world to shop or interact superficially with people for brief periods so I can shop and take care of myself. My kids, one in CA whom I seldom see, and the other, married and 30 minutes away and also a hermit because all he wants to do is drink as soon as he gets home from work, have been told but I don't think even they understand how much I wish I had never been born. I know many Aspies refuse to feel they are handicapped, but I definitely believe I am as handicapped as the people whose deformities or challenges are plainly visible. I wish NTs were fully aware of what it means to be on the Autism spectrum, that we can't magically morph into NTs, and we aren't bad people for acting differently from those blessed to be normal. I wish AS and Autism were as well understood and accepted and Down Syndrome and that the public understands we aren't deliberately refusing to act like NTs.