Polite ways to avoid work socialising

[Perpetually_confused]

Looking for suggestions on how to politely avoid work socialising without causing offence or arousing suspicion.

I am a chronic people pleaser something I'm actively trying to work on. At the moment I'm working on prioritising my own needs and self-care which involves prioritising my neurodivergent needs, in particular reducing time socialising which brings on burn out so quickly for me as only my fellow autists can understand. I do enjoy being social with others but I need to be selective about it and would much prefer it in a safe environment where I don't have to mask which is not my work because I have not disclosed my autism nor do I want to.

I have been spending time going for walks on my own for my lunch break which I find very rejuvenating. I have also just started to decline any social events outside work because quite frankly I do not want to go to these things and I get absolutely nothing from socialising in big groups of people on top of the recovery time I need after the event, it's just not worth it. Sometimes I do sit with my colleagues but for a couple of my colleagues this is not enough and two of my colleagues are really trying to pressure me to attend more social events. One of my colleagues even came into my office first thing on a Monday morning to ask if was okay and why had I not been joining them for lunch and would I join them that day for lunch. As a people pleaser I immediately started to 'correct' my behaviour and am trying to appear more social by participating more in lunch etc, leading to once again feeling exhausted due to my depleted battery.

I'm starting to feel quite resentful towards these people to be honest as I wish they would stop commenting on how I spend my free time. Actually today I decided not to go into lunch and I knew I would be met with some comment when I arrived in after lunch, I was so angry I had no filter so I just said 'I didn't come to lunch because I didn't want to'...haha I know it was so blunt and rude and came out in front of colleagues I really like but it also felt liberating to be frank about it but I also feel a bit embarrassed about it as I didn't want to hurt anyone intentionally. I am just starting to get so angry at this infringement on my personal freedom.

Anyway I might be taking it too personally but I just want these people to kindly back off without it becoming a big issue for me in terms of my relationships with my colleagues and position at work.

I also want to add that I just feel so frustrated being autistic at work. I know I should be grateful to have a job but I'm just so tired of pretending all the time. I wish I could just walk about telling people that I don't socialise because I don't want to and that would be fine but in this world its just not acceptable. I live for a world where people can just behave as they want without anyone trying to control or make a judgement on anyone else.

 

[Rodafina]

I wish I could just walk about telling people that I don't socialise because I don't want to and that would be fine but in this world its just not acceptable.

What are the consequences for doing this?

It sounds like an okay thing to do to me and doesn’t sound very rude. You’re not blaming or insulting anyone by saying, “I don’t want to.”

If one of the consequences is that people want to interact less, then maybe that is a good thing.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Sometimes, neurotypicals try to pressure you into attending social events because "you'll enjoy it (when you're there)" or "it's good for you to get out of your shell", not because they are deliberately trying to make you do something that will stress you out.

And if you've usually gone for lunch with them, but have now stopped, it's not surprising that they want to know why. If they're nice people, they're probably worried that something is wrong and are trying to find out if they can help. If someone came to ask if you were OK, that probably means they're trying to be nice - not to judge or control you.

So it's important to take that into account - if they're trying to be nice (by their standards) it will be hurtful just to tell them "I don't want to". They will probably take that to mean (as they probably don't understand it's just generally socialising that's the problem) you don't want to spend time with them because you don't like them.

Remember - neurotypicals (mostly) like socialising. It's fun for them. So if you suddenly don't want to do something they think of as fun, there must be something wrong.

The way I look at this sort of thing, there are several considerations go through in your head before deciding what to do.

Firstly, do you like these people? Not necessarily in a best-friends-forever sense, just they're generally OK people and you don't want to hurt their feelings. Or, even, actually you'd quite like to socialise with them - sometimes.

Secondly, do you want to socialise with them at all, ever? There's a lot of ground between "lunch every day, then down the pub after work" and "living alone in a cave". Maybe you can't handle lunch every day (I couldn't, either), but what about once a week?

Thirdly, is it politically desirable that you socialise with them, at least sometimes? You have to work with these people. That is easier if you have a reasonably cordial relationship. Socialising (for neurotypicals) is often part of that. How much socialising do you think you need to do, to grease the wheels of day-to-day working life?

Once you've thought about those factors, then you can start to think about what you're going to do about it.

Decide how much work-socialising you can cope with (or need to do, to maintain work relationships). This might be none, or it might be lunch once a week, or whatever. Or maybe there are other ways you can grease the wheels without being trapped in a social situation.

If you have a plan for what you can cope with, then you're less likely to get overwhelmed and snap at someone, or get pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

If you want to maintain a good (even friendly) working relationship, it's probably necessary to avoid hurting feelings/antagonising anyone. People like to know reasons for things. Yes, we should all be able to say "No" and just leave it at that, but that's not how the world works.

If you can't tell people you're autistic, then maybe something like, "I'd like to, but I'm a bit of an introvert - I need my alone time to recharge my batteries for the afternoon! You know what I mean?"

That gives them an explanation that's fairly close to the truth, but it's something they can understand. And by saying "You know what I mean" you're A) Pulling them into a you-and-them team, which is flattering, and B) Assuming that they understand. Once you've paid them the compliment of assuming they understand, they'll be flattered (again) and probably also reluctant to ask you what you do mean, because that would mean admitting they don't know (embarrassing!).

If you want to give more details, you could even say, "I did one of those internet quizzes, you know? And I came out as a real introvert, and it got me thinking. And it's weird how accurate it was - thinking about it, I do think I need alone time to recharge, more than I'd realised before. So I'm trying it out to see if I don't feel so tired and snappy at the end of the day."

Again, lots of truth... kind of... but in a way that doesn't scream I AM AUTISTIC! HEAR ME AUT!

The important thing is to give them enough that they understand that it's not that you're avoiding them because you don't like them or because of something they've done; you're having alone time for your own mental health (and maybe for keeping the peace, if you indicate that a bit of alone time will make you less irritable.)

If they have a reason that's fairly close to the truth, they are also less likely to pressure you to do more social stuff, because the reason includes "social stuff drains my introvert batteries", which is a reason that isn't going to go away.

This is assuming that they are fairly decent people who actually listen to what you say. I've worked with people who are completely the opposite, and regard anyone who wants different things to them as wrong and probably morally suspect as well.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Sometimes, neurotypicals try to pressure you into attending social events because "you'll enjoy it (when you're there)" or "it's good for you to get out of your shell", not because they are deliberately trying to make you do something that will stress you out.

And if you've usually gone for lunch with them, but have now stopped, it's not surprising that they want to know why. If they're nice people, they're probably worried that something is wrong and are trying to find out if they can help. If someone came to ask if you were OK, that probably means they're trying to be nice - not to judge or control you.

So it's important to take that into account - if they're trying to be nice (by their standards) it will be hurtful just to tell them "I don't want to". They will probably take that to mean (as they probably don't understand it's just generally socialising that's the problem) you don't want to spend time with them because you don't like them.

Remember - neurotypicals (mostly) like socialising. It's fun for them. So if you suddenly don't want to do something they think of as fun, there must be something wrong.

The way I look at this sort of thing, there are several considerations go through in your head before deciding what to do.

Firstly, do you like these people? Not necessarily in a best-friends-forever sense, just they're generally OK people and you don't want to hurt their feelings. Or, even, actually you'd quite like to socialise with them - sometimes.

Secondly, do you want to socialise with them at all, ever? There's a lot of ground between "lunch every day, then down the pub after work" and "living alone in a cave". Maybe you can't handle lunch every day (I couldn't, either), but what about once a week?

Thirdly, is it politically desirable that you socialise with them, at least sometimes? You have to work with these people. That is easier if you have a reasonably cordial relationship. Socialising (for neurotypicals) is often part of that. How much socialising do you think you need to do, to grease the wheels of day-to-day working life?

Once you've thought about those factors, then you can start to think about what you're going to do about it.

Decide how much work-socialising you can cope with (or need to do, to maintain work relationships). This might be none, or it might be lunch once a week, or whatever. Or maybe there are other ways you can grease the wheels without being trapped in a social situation.

If you have a plan for what you can cope with, then you're less likely to get overwhelmed and snap at someone, or get pressured into doing something you don't want to do.

If you want to maintain a good (even friendly) working relationship, it's probably necessary to avoid hurting feelings/antagonising anyone. People like to know reasons for things. Yes, we should all be able to say "No" and just leave it at that, but that's not how the world works.

If you can't tell people you're autistic, then maybe something like, "I'd like to, but I'm a bit of an introvert - I need my alone time to recharge my batteries for the afternoon! You know what I mean?"

That gives them an explanation that's fairly close to the truth, but it's something they can understand. And by saying "You know what I mean" you're A) Pulling them into a you-and-them team, which is flattering, and B) Assuming that they understand. Once you've paid them the compliment of assuming they understand, they'll be flattered (again) and probably also reluctant to ask you what you do mean, because that would mean admitting they don't know (embarrassing!).

If you want to give more details, you could even say, "I did one of those internet quizzes, you know? And I came out as a real introvert, and it got me thinking. And it's weird how accurate it was - thinking about it, I do think I need alone time to recharge, more than I'd realised before. So I'm trying it out to see if I don't feel so tired and snappy at the end of the day."

Again, lots of truth... kind of... but in a way that doesn't scream I AM AUTISTIC! HEAR ME AUT!

The important thing is to give them enough that they understand that it's not that you're avoiding them because you don't like them or because of something they've done; you're having alone time for your own mental health (and maybe for keeping the peace, if you indicate that a bit of alone time will make you less irritable.)

If they have a reason that's fairly close to the truth, they are also less likely to pressure you to do more social stuff, because the reason includes "social stuff drains my introvert batteries", which is a reason that isn't going to go away.

This is assuming that they are fairly decent people who actually listen to what you say. I've worked with people who are completely the opposite, and regard anyone who wants different things to them as wrong and probably morally suspect as well.

Wow this is really helpful, thanks for taking the time to respond. Yeah it's hard for me to understand that my colleagues were just being concerned, it felt controlling to me but maybe you are right & I should give them the benefit of the doubt. One of them, in particular, is a bit on the controlling side, who is the one who organises all the events so it felt that she was trying to pressure me, maybe I'm overthinking it.

To be honest I find it hard to draw a balance in socialising. I often get lead by what other people want to do and find it hard to know where to draw the line. I'm not sure if this is an audhd & people pleasing thing, I think I might come across as a bit over-friendly so people get the wrong end of the stick and think I want to be closer than I actually do. I find it hard to know how to behave to show that you just want to be work colleagues and nothing more. I guess it's that kind of formal behaviour that people have with each other that doesn't feel natural to me. I like to be funny and have a joke with people but it doesn't mean I want to be their best friend. I don't really have the time at the moment to socialise more than just within work. My job is also very sociable. At the moment I'm studying on the side to try and change my job to something less sociable & more suited to my neurodivergence but it's going to take a while for me to get there.
I do like these people but I don't really want to be more than just colleagues. I might go to the odd social event and I will try to socialise for at least one lunch as you have suggested.
Thats a good idea too about being an introvert, I'm definitely going to use that going forward even though I'm actually more of an extrovert but being autistic likens my experience more to being a neurotypical introvert.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

What are the consequences for doing this?

It sounds like an okay thing to do to me and doesn’t sound very rude. You’re not blaming or insulting anyone by saying, “I don’t want to.”

If one of the consequences is that people want to interact less, then maybe that is a good thing.

I have a feeling that to neurotypicals it can come across as quite rude. I spend my life trying to come up with excuses as to why I can't do things, even with my own family because I've learned that neurotypicals just don't seem to be comfortable with the truth. Or they just can't understand/ are not aware that other people have different needs and socialising might be difficult for them. If it was outside of work with people that I didn't have to interact with and work alongside this approach might be okay but I feel that at work you have to tread quite delicately as you could cause yourself issues down the line if people feel hurt by your behaviour.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

.....maybe you are right & I should give them the benefit of the doubt. One of them, in particular, is a bit on the controlling side, who is the one who organises all the events so it felt that she was trying to pressure me, maybe I'm overthinking it.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually a good idea (until there isn't any doubt). Most people have good intentions, and if you have good intentions it's hurtful to be treated as if you don't.

Plus, people who organise social events are usually people who enjoy socialising. And they may not understand that socialising isn't fun (or at least, isn't non-stressful) for everyone.

I think we autistic people may have more self-awareness, or awareness that others may think and feel differently to us, because we have to. A lot of the time, it's not like it's not obvious! But NTs don't have that, so are more likely to assume everyone likes the same things they do. And then they try to jolly you along - not because they want to control you, but because they're convinced that you will enjoy the party, if you would just let yourself! [eyeroll]

To be honest I find it hard to draw a balance in socialising. I often get lead by what other people want to do and find it hard to know where to draw the line. I'm not sure if this is an audhd & people pleasing thing, I think I might come across as a bit over-friendly so people get the wrong end of the stick and think I want to be closer than I actually do. I find it hard to know how to behave to show that you just want to be work colleagues and nothing more. I guess it's that kind of formal behaviour that people have with each other that doesn't feel natural to me. I like to be funny and have a joke with people but it doesn't mean I want to be their best friend.

It is hard. That's why it's a good idea to sit down and have a calm think about it, and form a plan. That way, you know what you're going to do (or at least, what you plan to do!) before you are in an interaction and are bounced into having to respond to another social invite without time to think about it.

I don't really have the time at the moment to socialise more than just within work. My job is also very sociable. At the moment I'm studying on the side to try and change my job to something less sociable & more suited to my neurodivergence but it's going to take a while for me to get there.

Good luck!

I do like these people but I don't really want to be more than just colleagues...

I know what you mean. Some people are nice in small doses! And being friends means being able to be a lot more yourself, which might not be something you're comfortable with, with these people. Especially if there's the whole work angle as well, and needing to present a professional and competent front.

The people who say "You should be able to bring your whole self to work" and "Quirky is fashionable now" are clearly not autistic. We have our quirks, but frequently not the kind of quirks that people find endearing!

 

[Perpetually_confused]

I know what you mean. Some people are nice in small doses! And being friends means being able to be a lot more yourself, which might not be something you're comfortable with, with these people. Especially if there's the whole work angle as well, and needing to present a professional and competent front.

The people who say "You should be able to bring your whole self to work" and "Quirky is fashionable now" are clearly not autistic. We have our quirks, but frequently not the kind of quirks that people find endearing!

Yeah, I've basically decided that from now on I'm only going to make friends with other neurdivergent people, it's just too exhausting & confusing otherwise trying to keep up with other people's expectations.
They often laugh at my 'quirks' which I sometimes I don't mind when I can recognise that it's funny but sometimes it can feel a bit demeaning when taken too far and always makes me feel like I have to keep my guard up and I am 'less than' them or I am too silly and not serious enough.

I have a few autistic friends with whom I can literally say anything and they won't bat an eyelid and it's just so easy, relaxing & validating. With neurotypicals there is just always some level of masking involved, I'm just not sure I could be completely myself.

Good luck!

Thankyou

 

[Rodafina]

I spend my life trying to come up with excuses as to why I can't do things, even with my own family because I've learned that neurotypicals just don't seem to be comfortable with the truth.

It is not your job to make others feel comfortable. I can relate to what you describe about being a people pleaser, but it is such a crushing way to live. It has been helpful to me to learn how to be comfortable with others being uncomfortable.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

I know it's something I'm really trying to get rid of but its hard when a behaviour is so ingrained. Also just don't want to go in the extreme opposite direction which can sometimes happen

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I've made the experience that people tend to understand the introvert card way better than you'd expect. Many NTs are introverts too. Saying "I need my lunch break as a breather and I like to read or be on my own during it, it's got nothing to do with you folks" usually doesn't offend people. You might find it harder to make friends among those people, but they normally shouldn't be offended.

 

[Misty Avich]

Strange how many Aspies who don't want to attend social events actually get invited, while those of us who want to attend social events often don't get invited. I'm the type of Aspie who is thrilled whenever I'm invited to a social event with work colleagues, which doesn't happen often. I've even had colleagues organising a social event in front of me without even thinking of inviting me - even though I dropped subtle hints that I was interested, like saying "I'd love to try that someday" or something like that.

As for socialising with colleagues in the workplace, I don't find that difficult, and in every workplace I've ever been in there's always been a colleague who seemed very NT that preferred to sit in his car during breaks, and people respected that.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Strange how many Aspies who don't want to attend social events actually get invited, while those of us who want to attend social events often don't get invited. I'm the type of Aspie who is thrilled whenever I'm invited to a social event with work colleagues, which doesn't happen often. I've even had colleagues organising a social event in front of me without even thinking of inviting me - even though I dropped subtle hints that I was interested, like saying "I'd love to try that someday" or something like that.

As for socialising with colleagues in the workplace, I don't find that difficult, and in every workplace I've ever been in there's always been a colleague who seemed very NT that preferred to sit in his car during breaks, and people respected that.

Thats terrible that people organised events infront of you and didn't invite you. How rude! Would you really want to spend time with people who treat you like that? I certainly wouldn't, although I'm no preacher - I have put up with my fair share of abuse in my lifetime so far.

Yeah I'm going to be playing the introvert card going forward I can see it definitely working.

I'm very high masking, much to my own expense, so I'm not sure a lot of people can tell outwardly that I'm autistic, not that that should matter in the slightest, but they probably think I'm 'quirky' which is what I usually get.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

The truth is it has just dawned on me today that actually another reason I don't want to spend time with these people is they aren't actually very nice to me. One of them has recently started to intentionally ignore me & excluding me in group situations, I have no idea why and the other is always making fun of me, including my facial expressions, my accent, laughing at me when I talk for no apparent reason and making jokes at my expense which I have been pretending to find funny but now realise that they are actually quite hurtful and demeaning. So yeah its not just about my social battery after all, its definitely a big factor but also realised that these colleagues are not very nice and I don't really want much to do with them. So that's why I was annoyed that they were pressuring me to attend their events when they aren't even very nice to me - maybe so they can pick on me some more? Who knows, I will never understand people, I need to give up my special interest in psychology, it's not actually done me any favours other than becoming an expert at masking haha

Sometimes it takes me a while to process things, I realise something is up but can take a long time to work out what it is. I need to trust my gut more often though.

 

[paloftoon]

Since you don't want to socialize, it makes sense to take walks on your own. If other people come up to you, redirect back to a work idea immediately.
Ask them if they can help you with some work task. If not, ask them to help you find someone else.
If they keep bothering you, tell them that you only want to keep things professional. They will understand after that.
If they still pester you about their social opinion, tell them that this is not professional for you and that you want to keep your professional and social life completely separate.

 

[Judge]

Odds are that any time someone approaches you to interact with them and you say or imply you'd rather not, you are going to draw both ire and suspicion. They may choose not to show it, but they are thinking it. We (US) even have a phrase to describe it: "Being blown off". Not intended or perceived as any sort of "friendly" thing to happen.

There simply is no universal way of passively conveying, "Thanks, but no thanks". That whatever you say or do will still likely draw their initial displeasure. An aspect IMO of basic social dynamics.

That the answer you seek is that there really is no answer. You either cave into what they want, or stand your ground with what you want- or need at any given time. And most of here can relate to whatever need of solitude you might have. But most people being NT, will not likely understand and not bother to try.

A case of having to "choose your battles" even under the most benign of circumstances. A major "social reality" for we on the spectrum of autism.