Please help me understand my friend

[ConfusedFriend]

I have a friend who I have known for many years, and I believe she is on the autism spectrum, high functioning. I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt every time she does something hurtful to others, using the excuse "she simply doesn't understand or know any better." I don't want to see her as a bad person, so I chalk it all up to, "it must be an Aspergers thing." I'd like your opinions about some of her behaviors: are they a result of possible Aspergers, or is there something else going on?

Here are some examples of past behavior:

At a previous job, she got into a horrible argument with a coworker because the coworker took a chocolate break. She also became obsessed with making sure that her fellow camp counselors were not having sex after work hours. She would scour the camp premises on "sex patrol" and overworked herself so much that she neglected to bathe for a week. At another job, she started tracking her coworkers periods and tried to get them fired for not going into the swimming pool as part of a water therapy program. These coworkers are of a different culture that is strict about wearing bathing suits, so they chose to sit at the edge of the pool clothed instead of going in.

At one point, she was in charge of an intern who needed to work there for a college credit. She was so horrible to this poor intern. My friend was allowed to check email during work hours, but she decided her intern was not. When the intern asked for the day off work to visit her boyfriends dying father, my friend refused, claiming "if I'm working that day, you're working that day." She accused the intern of lying about the father's medical condition. She wanted to fail the girl for the class but felt she was being generous by giving her a C.

She's done other things, like dating two cousins behind each others backs...dodging texts from one while on dates with the other. She's had a hit and run with a company vehicle but justified it by saying that she didn't have time to leave a note, and by the time she drove back to the scene of the crime the car was already gone. She'll throw parties and invite 4 ex-boyfriends and one current boyfriend, then wonder why one of her ex-boyfriends got so drunk and upset?

Every week there is some kind of drama, some kind of battle, and she is always in the right. I have been there year after year listening to her complain and being supportive of all of her behaviors even though I don't agree with them. She now tells me that I'm one of the only people she can talk to because every one else gets offended.

Help me get a reality check. Part of me knows that this behavior is not excusable even if she has Aspergers, but there's this other part that keeps saying, "She's just an innocent victim. If she only understood what she was doing was hurtful, then she would stop."

I'd appreciate any feedback on this situation, and thanks for reading if you've gotten this far!

 

[Alyca]

Are you sure she has Aspergers?
Sounds more like a psychopath to me.

I mean sometimes Aspergers can to stuff which isn't nice, but this happens because they do not understand etiquette and so on.

Your friend does deeds, where I cannot imagine her not being aware off. Promiscuity is also often found in Psychopath.
I once heard it can happen that people misjudge Aspergers for psychopath because of the missing empathy, but she really sounds more psychopathic than anything else.

Anyway I do hope I'm wrong.

 

[smith2267]

No this does not sound like AS to me. We mind our own business and tend not to deceive others. Deception is a form of manipulation, which is a social skill. We have only crude social skills

 

[ConfusedFriend]

Thanks for the replies. The more I think about it, the more I don't understand what's going on. The thing that drew me to Aspergers was her mentioning she thought her father had it. She also plays the part of innocent confused victim and is always calling to tell me about drama and ask for advice. Problem is she never takes any advice and continues to hurt people. She always says "I feel bad" when describing her newest bad behavior, but underneath she is either holding back a laugh or fishing for me to tell her she's good. An example was her laughing while saying "I feel bad, I hit a parked Mercedes and drove away because I was running late."

This girl is so two sided I don't know what to believe. She portrays herself as Mother Theresa and looks down on people who don't go to church. She volunteers and works with the disabled. She can be extremely politically correct. On the other hand she does all the things I mentioned in my first post. I should also include that she was diagnosed as learning disabled in childhood and teased a lot in school for her awkwardness. She has untreated depression and OCD because she refuses to get help. She's very stubborn and wants to do everything on her own. She claims to have cured her OCD by just not engaging in the behaviors although she still has the thoughts. She is now a workaholic but also in denial about that.

Again, thanks for the replies, she's not an easy person to understand with so many things going on.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

your friend sounds like she has issues big time but I don't think its asperger's. It kind of sounds like my dad and sister who we now think instead of aspergers are bipolar. They treat people like crap and think they can do what ever they like and then wonder why it all goes bad for them. My dad is really bad with my mum. He treats her so disgustingly I want my mum to divorce him but she won't. She's not that kind of person. Anyway another story. I come from a pretty messed up family when it comes to mental health ...

Aspies generally aren't really bitches. The situation with the ex's sounds like your friend likes drama and to be the centre of attention, not an aspie trait. That is a very bitchy move. And the girl with the collage credit ... I don't see an aspie being like that. Unless they are a really messed up aspie. That would cause an aspie too much anxiety.

I agree with Alyca ... she sounds more like a psychopath than a aspie. I would advise its probably better to get out now before she turns on you. If she does this to people she doesn't really care about then what's going to happen if she decides to turn her eye on you?

 

[Bay]

I think most people with Aspergers prefer to avoid drama, not create it. Your friend appears to have something going on, but I agree with others here, it doesn't sound like Aspergers.

 

[ConfusedFriend]

I did some reading about bipolar 2, and the symptoms are similar to what she experiences, but again there's so much else going on its hard to say. I initially started this thread because I have been trying to distance myself for months now, but keep having second thoughts about it. I really bought into the innocent, socially awkward, confused but moral Christian face she likes to wear, and didn't feel justified in "punishing" some confused innocent by distancing myself. I thought I could help her. Truth is I've been trying to help her for years now, acting as a mini therapist, but things never get better...they only get worse. It's time I disengage.

Dragon's Tooth, it's funny you should mention the risk of her turning on me. For years I operated under the assumption that I was safe because I was her friend and that she only treats her acquaintances badly. Well, about six months ago there was an incident (albeit small in comparison with her other incidents) that caused me to look at what was really in front of me. I finally removed the blinders.

Now comes the ongoing task of distancing myself, which has proven to be a lot harder than initially anticipated. This girl, who I thought of as being super self sufficient and independent has actually turned out to be quite needy. Wish me luck.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I hear what you are saying about abandoning someone in need. You could sit down with her and tell her how you feel and you think its best that you aren't friends any more (though prepare for the emotional black mail because it will be full on). At least you are telling her up front why you don't want to be friends rather than just dropping out of her life. I have had so many people just drop out of my life and not even explain it to me and it has driven me nuts because I can't change if I don't know what I did wrong.

then again it could be that this chick is one of those ones you might want to send an email to after you've moved house, changed your phone number and email address. She's using you as her emotional crutch and probably not in the way you think ... the sob story is probably a front as well to manipulate you like she does everyone else.

 

[ConfusedFriend]

I have gone back and forth with the idea of having a serious discussion with her. Based on her history of never being wrong and being completely unwilling to attempt change or introspection, this will be a last resort for me. People that disagree with her or try to tell her something she doesn't want to hear get painted as a bad guy and she will badmouth this person to all of her friends. I know...I've been one of her confidantes and she's turned on a lot of people.

I've been considering what many have suggested about her being a psychopath. I also hope this isn't the case but its an avenue I'm willing to explore.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

psycho paths aren't necessarily the stabby scary movie type people. There are plenty that get by in this world that don't kill or hurt others physically. Emotionally and mentally is another story. They say a lot of managers high up in organizations are psychopaths because they have the necessary mentality for it (someone who is emotionally sensitive for instance couldn't fire people or make decisions that upset those below them).

Its worth investigating. try this article What is a Psychopath?

 

[Donein]

No this does not sound like AS to me. We mind our own business and tend not to deceive others. Deception is a form of manipulation, which is a social skill. We have only crude social skills

Yes this above statement is true, but what if you were raised by wolves and then become a Narcissist with Aspergers?

I am married to one. He does manipulate if he can.

The case of this friend, look into histrionic personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder and there are other personality disorders she could have...,,she could have any of them along with the aspergers.

 

[ConfusedFriend]

Donein, good detective skills. Last night, after reading many articles about psychopaths, I finally stumbled upon the closest diagnosis I've encountered thus far: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The personality disorders have a lot of overlap in symptoms, but she fits every single one of the 9 criteria (you only need five for a diagnosis) for NPD. I've gone back through the list of behaviors and NPD explains all of them.

Distancing from a narcissist is going to be difficult because I feed into her self esteem and act as a captive audience member (no wonder she rambles on so much and loves the attention she gets from her stories). I will continue to read up on how to deal with a narcissist to see if I can find anything to make this process a little easier.

 

[Bay]

I have gone back and forth with the idea of having a serious discussion with her. Based on her history of never being wrong and being completely unwilling to attempt change or introspection, this will be a last resort for me. People that disagree with her or try to tell her something she doesn't want to hear get painted as a bad guy and she will badmouth this person to all of her friends. I know...I've been one of her confidantes and she's turned on a lot of people.

I've been considering what many have suggested about her being a psychopath. I also hope this isn't the case but its an avenue I'm willing to explore.

My feeling is that if someone isn't good for you or is harming you (however subtly), you should walk away.

 

[Arashi222]

@ConfusedFriend: I am in agreement with Bay. If she is bad for you and you feel like its not a good fit which it sounds like you have doubts as to her motives in being friends with you then distance and walk away I know that can be hard but it sounds like that is the best regardless of what if any disorder she has. AS can be co-morbid with many other disorders and can be exacerbated by things too so it might be that she has more than one thing. But I would recommend just moving away from her and finding other friendships.

 

[jellybean590]

Your friend doesn't sound like a Psychopath, but more like a Sociopath. A person with Sociopathic personality disorder has the same characteristics as a psychopath. They lie cheat steal manipulate ect. But sociopaths have the mental capacity to feel emotional attachment, shame, and guilt to at least some degree where as psychopaths don't feel any shame or love whatsoever. You're friend sounds like she cares about you and to some degree feels a little bad about the things she does, but not enough to make a difference. You're friend sounds like she needs help, but she also doesn't sound like someone you want to mess with either. Do you know any family members or friends of hers you could talk to about it?

 

[Soup]

@ Confused Friend: I too doubt very much that this person is an Aspie. Could be Psychopathic, could be BiPolar, sounds more like a garden variety control freak/@$$hole 2 in 1 combo type to me. Rather than expending too much effort trying to figure this person out, you might want to divert some of your energy to getting the hell away from this person & finding friends that are nothing at all like this one.

 

[ConfusedFriend]

Thanks all, for the continued advice and encouragement. Although this process is really difficult for me, trust that I will do my best to remove myself from the dysfunctional friendship.

@jellybean590: I'm not close with her other friends or family. We've drifted apart for years and I don't see her too often, but even limited contact is hard to stomach. From what she's told me, she gets in arguments with her other friends and family members frequently. She also uses them as emotional crutches.