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Parties.... I should go, but I don't want to.

Buffles

Buffles

Member
So, I've been invited to a large party that I know I should make an appearance but I am really struggling with it.... a lot of anxiety. It's a 50th birthday party for a friend I've had for 15 years. I skipped out on her last big party last time because I "forgot." She was mad. She's aware of my diagnosis, but nothing more.

Do I tell her I'm not going?

Do I make an appearance and leave?

Do you have tips to cope if I do go?
 
She may know your diagnosis, but does she know what that implies? Explaining any issues you may have with overstimulation and social anxiety will probably help. If this isn't enough for her then she is being a bit insensitive.

As an alternative I would reccomend you offer to take her out or invite her over and treat her to something. Perhaps a movie, a nice dinner, whatever it is she likes. That way you can demonstrate that she means something to you and that you like to spend time with her, just not in such an overwhelming environment.
 
What Datura suggested is a good idea, that you you take her out for dinner, or you buy her a gift and say sorry, you can't make it to the party, that because of your Aspergers you find parties difficult and overwhelming, and that you mean no personal offence.
 
I would go, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, or don't feel comfortable doing in the name of friendship. I would give myself an easy out before going, something simple like I don't know how long I can stay. Then if you find your actually having a good time you stay.
 
Explain to your friend what challenges you would face with a busy party. Help her to understand what it means to be an Autie.
If she is a genuine friend she will get it and not be mad. If she doesn't get it after you help her to understand then maybe you might need to reassess your friendship.
 
As it is a close friend and as it seems to be an important ocasion for her I would try to explain why it is so difficult to be there. I think she should be able to understand this if she is good friend. I think it's ok to show in a different way that you care about her by getting her a gift or something.

I understand your feeling. I kind of was yesterday in a similar situation, but it's not a friend. A new neighbour moved in and gave a party inviting me. It's a small house with 4 apartments only. I was in doubt how to react, fact was I did not want to go either cause it's difficult to handle. I thought about going and giving a wine and leaving, but I have the problem the moment I want to leave, I feel a bit paralyzed about making the step to leave. I asked a friend and she told me it would be ok to not join at all, so I did not.
 
My own solution, when faced with such a situation, is to go, but tell the host that I will likely not be able to stay long. If the party is large enough, you might even manage to do what I often do, the very Aspie-friendly "Irish Goodbye" - leaving without telling anyone.
 
What I do is telling everybody that I am going, but I will leave whenever I feel like it; 90% of people seem usually fine with it, the other 10% aren't really my friends.

There are some other times where I don't want to go because I'm exhausted for some reason, and I say that I'm tired or busy / doing something else and I won't go.

If you don't really want to go, don't go, nobody will force you, it's your life. If you are mildly interested, I would recommend you saying what I say always :)

Good luck!
 
My husband and I have been invited to a 40th. His friends, not mine. He has a huge group of friends who all have wives and kids now so it's a lot of people and he can chat away to them and I. ... end up hovering next to him, hoping no one will speak to me, having to laugh and smile at things I know nothing about.. and then someone talks to me. Argh and then someone else asks the same thing.. oh crumbs. So there have been gatherings I haven't attended. My anxiety gets so bad beforehand and my husband has no idea how hard that is. He knows I find it hard but I am sure people here will understand properly. It's like I actually need to lie down like I'm ill. But anyway, this next party is a tricky one. I hate to look like the wife who doesn't turn up. I know it looks rude. His friends don't know my difficulties as that would make me feel even worse turning up and them all knowing. So basically.. I know how you feel. I am still undecided about whether to go. I could say yes but breakdown in the night. :-(
 
Skye81: I'll go if you go. HA!!! Then maybe we can meet up here after we recover.

Thanks all for the replies.... It helps me to discuss with people who get me.
 
I know you have been and so, bravo to you!

I went to a gathering yesterday and although it was VERY HARD for me, I did manage to not want to break down into tears, but a couple of times, did feel that a smile was plastered onto my face!

The horrible thing is that I know everyone and they are lovely people to know and I like them, but it can take ONE person in the room, to cause me to feel out on a limb and that is how I felt yesterday. Also, worst still, I thought: I best dress casual for this and so, wore jeans for the first time in several years and felt: HORRIBLE! I am just not a trouser's woman or more to the point, jeans woman, so if I had some trousers, perhaps it would have been different.

They had karaoke and although I did not get up and sing ( sends me into a panic; cannot do that at all), I certainly enjoyed the clear sounds and wow just my kind of volume and surprised me to see two of my girl friends' putting their hands to their ears lol and here I am, having pushed some wax into my ear drums, by accident, after a shower and thus, rather unbalanced in my hearing, but I just cannot help loving music at top volume!

I was crying in my heart, because the way I am in front of many ones, is not who I am really! It also is hard keeping up with the banter, but I do believe I did fairly well!

Today, is another scary one for me, because after our meeting ( christians), we are going for a walk and then, a picnic. Usually, I would duck out of the walk, but making myself go on this one, because it is not a long walk and the walk is a very pretty one and plus, it will help my appetite for that tends to vanish, when in groups.

I won't fib and tell you that I have thoroughly enjoyed myself; in fact, I long to be on my own to breath and tuesday will be that day!

If the party had been dancing with lights out and disco lights on ( which they have), I would have been ok!

And don't go there with taking pictures! One brother (spiritual), decided to take a picture of everyone, but ones do not reckon on stubborn Suzanne and even though he called my name out to get me to turn around, I ignored him and kept my face away and he soon gave up. It is not just plain vanity; it is much deeper, but well, one can hardly explain!
 
Buffles said:
So, I went to the party.... now I'm home. It might take some time to recover. At least I made an appearance.
Click to expand...
As one of my favorite actors says, it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't. Good job :)
 
Let me see, should I go somewhere that is very crowded, noisy, smoky and full of drunk people who will ignore me? I do not think so. Even if it is a event full of nice people who do not drink or smoke, there will still be to many people and to much noise. The only parties I go to are family functions. Then I do not say much and stick close to my wife. Lucky for me, my wife feels the same way about parties.
 
I don't like parties most of the time. I prefer to lock myself in my room. If there is a party that I go to, I hang out in the back. No use socializing.
 
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