Parents who baby their ASD children: How do you feel about this?

[. . .]

Something that strongly bothers me is how many parents of people on the spectrum (high and low end) baby their children to the point where their kids don't feel confident doing anything themselves. As a result, their children have much difficulty embedding themselves into society and are too inexperienced to do much of anything else for themselves. Then when they reach adulthood their parents wonder why they have so much trouble coping with life.

Isn't it obvious why?

I believe that while ASDs can't be cured, the social deficits that comes with them can be lessened to a degree.

Sadly, parents babying their children is a very common theme in the ASD community. Many people who I've spoken to have had, and still have their parents baby them; some are well into adulthood. This is a huge blow to their self-esteem and causes irreparable damage. The lack of confidence they feel is, in part, a result of being told not to do this and that and being yelled at when trying to do anything themselves. As a result, they're scared to do anything and the feelings persist throughout life. It's hard to gain confidence as an adult when you've always lacked it.

As much as I hate to admit it, lots of people with ASDs never make it in life (never gain full-time employment, never date, never marry, never acquire friends, are under-employed, etc.) and I believe that this is often a result of babying. There obviously are lots of ASD success stories, but hey - focusing on the negative can be beneficial. Acknowledging the negative can help us fix problems. If parents of people on the spectrum would learn that babying their children like this is wrong and would stop doing it, their kids would have a much higher probability of making it further in life; this I guarantee.

Whenever I see parents of children on the spectrum on autism forums, blogs and elsewhere speak about their kids I can often tell by the way they talk about their children that they do everything for them and don't let them do anything themselves. It's obvious that many parents assume their kids who're on the spectrum are incapable. When I think of the irreparable damage they're causing I cringe and feel a deep sense of despair.

ASDs don't make people incapable of doing anything for themselves. When will more parents of people on the spectrum realize this? It's almost like they don't realize that people with ASDs are sentient beings . . .

Anyway: How do you feel about this? Does it bother you how parents often treat their ASD kids like this?

Do you have first-hand experience with your parent(s) babying you? If so, do you think it's caused you harm?

 

[Kit]

I am assuming you are only talking about the high functioning. Yeah I do think there are parents out there that hold their ASD kids back, is that what you meant right by babying?

I think kids learn to use their AS as an excuse to not even try or work on their traits to function better in life because their parents have kept telling them they will never be able to do this or that or will always have this problem or that problem. So after a while they believe it and don't even try so they use it as a crutch because they were taught to.

It makes me angry when I see this or hear about it on forums. When I see someone making a post about how their parents have control over their money or their life or don't want them to work, etc. I feel sorry for them.

Mine never babied me. I used to think they held me back but they knew my limits then and knew what I could and couldn't handle. Now my mom says I can do anything. What is that supposed to mean anyway? No one can do anything or else everyone be going into outer space or be designing roller coasters or be mathematicians. But they never used my AS as an excuse or my other disabilities. Mom never treated me like a disability. She treated me like a normal child. My dad used to tell me all the time I needed to learn how to deal with things and I learn as I get older and I keep learning from experience.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I absolutely agree with you, ???. But it's not just kids with ASD's that are babied. My parents have babied my youngest sister because she has a physical handicap--and she lets them even though she is in her 40's and working a highly professional job. She is very intelligent but she comes across as acting infantile at times, and it has caused problems in her life. She of course thinks that I am bossy and pushy, but I can't help it. I get so angry when I see her put on the oh, I am so helpless, I can't solve this problem act.

Parents--when you baby your kids you are not thinking of the future--theirs or yours. Supposing something happened to you? What would your child do then? You aren't doing them any favor, believe me. Also, please don't excuse your child's public meltdowns by using the autism excuse. That kid needs to be told at that minute that this is not acceptable behavior. Smiling and putting your arm around him or her is giving the wrong impression. We have enough negative stereotypes as it is, thank you. How do you know that an autistic person might be denied a job because the person in charge of hiring hears "autism" and thinks "meltdown." Yes, I had plenty of meltdowns when I was younger, but I soon learned that they were not tolerated. Dr. Grandin has quite a bit to say on that subject as well.

 

[Droopy]

An interesting and well-written thread, ???. Just one thing though - can you define "babying"? Maybe give examples?

 

[xxjoleenxx]

I believe babying can hold anyone with an ASD back. My parents have had to bail me out quite a bit, because they never actually set examples, they still do try and control major decisions i make with my son and I. I suppose you could say I am babied. I have always been treated different because of my shy and timid nature, making me uncomfortable a lot of times. Maybe they feel obligated, or did they ever consider maybe they would rather make the problem go away instead of look at what is really going on. I feel I was way under-prepared for the what if's in life. and my lack of social skills to help me connect with unfamiliar things. I had always been taken care of, and did not have any responsibilities. Until I had to actually raise a child it made me a more responsible person. I am very hopeful with the play therapy, speech, occupational and physical therapies are going to do to help my son. I am glad I am finally getting resources to help me cope as well as raise a child with an ASD. I don't want to be resented by my child for being over protective and babying him. I catch myself doing it all the time because he is very sensitive and emotional. And then I remember thinking man if I made bad choices, and expected someone to save me or whatever. I think my parents were not encouraging or interested enough to try to be understanding. I want my child to be successful, and learn social communication & be confident, and by teaching responsibility and not giving into whatever form of babying or giving in on whatever it may be.

 

[. . .]

An interesting and well-written thread, ???. Just one thing though - can you define "babying"? Maybe give examples?

By "babying" I mean parents who do everything for their kids and don't let them do anything themselves.

 

[Droopy]

Ah, I see. Well I agree with your original post. My parents always make phone calls on my behalf and arrange appointments, maybe that would count as babying in a sense but they don't do everything for me.

 

[. . .]

Ah, I see. Well I agree with your original post. My parents always make phone calls on my behalf and arrange appointments, maybe that would count as babying in a sense but they don't do everything for me.

Well it's good that they don't do everything for you. Have you ever considered making phonecalls yourself? I personally have never had much trouble on the phone, but I detest having to leave messages on answering machines. I seem incapable of speaking to machines.

Anyway: Someone on Twitter showed me this blog post of hers a few hours ago. I agree with what she says in it.

 

[Kit]

Okay. In that case my mom does baby me when I need it. She has done things for me because I'd find it too stressful. No I was just too lazy because I found it too stressful and I always feel I need to try harder. Now I have a husband who does. But in my teens she has made me do things like order my own food.

 

[Droopy]

Well it's good that they don't do everything for you. Have you ever considered making phonecalls yourself?

I don't like speaking on the phone. I guess it's because I'm put in a position were I'm required to talk to someone that I don't know and can't see. I can talk to close friends and family via the phone but even then I prefer not too. The only time I speak on the phone is when it is absolutely required of me (I.E. when dealing with my bank). However, even at that, I only speak to confirm my details and prove my identity - my dad speaks the rest.

 

[KinksFan]

My mum used to baby me before I moved out. She used to take over cleaning my room, whenever we'd clean it together. She used to do all the laundry herself, despite my many suggestions that we each do our own laundry. She even used to fill out my bank deposit forms, when she knew damn well, that I was able to do that myself. It made me feel like a loser. I even told her that my favourite song was 'I'm a Loser', by The Beatles when I was first diagnosed with Depression.

 

[nintendogurl1990]

People say I'm spoiled or that my mom does too much for me, and in a way, I think they're right. I guess it's because I have autism and she's a single mother that she feels she has to protect me. But I feel she is OVER-protecting me. I don't get the chance to do things myself, like cook and clean around the house and I don't get to go out anywhere. She has to plan all my social outings. I feel lazy and depressed. And I just don't know what to do.

 

[WildCat]

First thing that popped in my mind when I saw this thread...eh, I'll just put the Google search here for anyone who's interested. I don't want to attract any unneeded company to this forum...

Back to the subject, I think it's degrading for those on the higher end of the spectrum who have the intelligence to realize that they're being treated like someone with a lower mental capacity - what they lack socially they more than make up for with normal intelligence to boot.
For those on the lesser end, they do need some degree of support and I won't argue with that, but at the same time it's dehumanizing to keep them locked into a shell from which they'll never at least get to experience the world around them.

I never got the easy way out ever. Every time I screwed things up I got an ass chewing out like anyone else - no, it wasn't pleasant and yes, I lost my sanity a few times to the point of "extremely dramatic" but without any of that harsh verbal discipline I wouldn't be where I'm at right now with a full time job, a driver's license, and an adequate degree of responsibility for myself.

 

[190]

Good luck to the AS kids. Prepare to be instituitionalised or to be perpetually on welfare till death, if you are lucky enough to be in a country which has welfare.

Please pardon my lack of PC, but honestly, what the Spectrum can throw up never fails to amaze me every time I come even though I was diagnosed AS myself:

- I didn't know most AS people somehow ended up unemployed at adulthood for lack of social skills
- (for my country) I didn't know they had hell coping (or rather, suffering) with conscription
- No offense to Calvert, but I didn't know some AS people could be afraid of answering phone calls.

Excuse my lack of PC (once again), but I think some fears just have to be overcome because its not practical. Just think: most kids overcome fear of the dark. If you didn't, you'd have trouble walking at night, particularly in rural areas. Same deal: not everything can be treated as "Oh, its a result of AS / autism / random psycho ********" and left as it is.

 

[. . .]

Excuse my lack of PC (once again), but I think some fears just have to be overcome because its not practical. Just think: most kids overcome fear of the dark. If you didn't, you'd have trouble walking at night, particularly in rural areas. Same deal.

I definitely don't agree with this being the "same deal". The majority of kids overcome their fear of the dark due to biological changes. Kids are more scared of things than adults because they have much more vivid imaginations than adults; they grow out of their fears (i.e. - their brains function differently as they age and their imagination becomes less vivid). This obviously doesn't mean that adults can't still have fears -- they can -- but they can't always be overcome as you can no longer grow out of your fears once you've reached adulthood. Sure - fears may not be "practical", but telling someone to "get over" their fears won't do anything to make their fears go away. Fears can sometimes be controlled though the use of drugs, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc. but they can't be cured by telling yourself to "get over them".

 

[190]

While the example that I used might not have been the best example; often overcoming fear is the result of a conscious decision backed up by the determination to do what is necessary.

Take naval diving as an example. It requires one to be able to stay calm and function under severe stress - the training and actual job has plenty of situations where they will be cold, tired, miserable and occasionally out of breath or feeling like drowning.

While not many can do it (and that is why naval diving is so tough), those that make it prove that it is possible. And there are people who could not swim or had water phobia before the course and successfully passed naval diver (or even SEAL) training.

So, if even things like the instinctive response to panic when your life is under threat can be overcome, what do irrational fears compare to it?

 

[BruceCM]

For you naval training, there's trainers & still many must fail at it, too. The problem for many of us may well be getting that bit of help to overcome fears.

 

[deathgrip]

Temple Grandin talks about this

 

[Shawn D]

I had an odd upbringing of being coddled and "enabled" by my paternal grandparents, and of being ignored and emotionally neglected by my mother.
I was never told I couldn't do anything I set my mind to, but my grandparents saw a lot of my father, their son, in me, and they were afraid I would turn out like him, as I exhibited a lot of the same behaviors, especially as a teenager.
So, they "babied" me, which is ironic, because it was their "babying" my father that contributed to him being such a dysfunctional adult.
Besides my cousin's son, no one in my family, to my knowledge, has been officially diagnosed with Aspergers, but I do know that my family is full of highly intelligent, socially dysfunctional people who exhibit many Aspie traits. From my 48-year-old cousin who is a language prodigy (he speaks 5 languages fluently, including Russian, Japanese, and an African "click" language), but is still living off his parents; to my father, who is a music prodigy, but living off disability, to another cousin, who is a computer prodigy (can build a computer from the ground up and graduated first in her class in Computer Science), but has no female friends (her son is 6 and the one with ASD--he, too is a prodigy).
Not to say that all of these people are on the spectrum with absolute certainty, but from what I know about them, it seems likely that at least a couple of them are.
Sadly, I am not a prodigy, just very intelligent; I'm good at math, learning languages, and seeing patterns (put a word search in front of me, and without even looking at the key for many of the words, I'll have that ***** banged out in minutes, [emoji39])
I, too, have been enabled my whole life. It's hard to say if I would be more capable of taking care of myself, had I not been, but I think a more influential factor was that I was never diagnosed with Aspergers. Had I been, it might have changed the way my family went about supporting me and responding to my horrible behavior as a teenager. Instead of writing me off as a crazy girl, maybe my behavior, seen through the lens of ASD, would have been more understandable (and treatable).
(I'll preface this next paragraph with a grammar disclaimer: I understand my use of the words "their", "they", and "them" is not grammatically correct, but it is less awkward to use than "he or she", "his and hers" and "him or her". Until the English language has a gender neutral pronoun in the singular, "their" is the most fluid word available.) Take an NT, have their parents divorce, move them every year to a new town, a new school (14 by the time they graduate high school); have their peers torment them, their mom ignore them, their grandparents coddle them, their mom's boyfriend molest them, and with some therapy, they may have a chance.
Try all that with an undiagnosed Aspie and see what you get [emoji12].
Insanity is a sane response to insane circumstances.
Thankfully, my cousin's son is in a stable home, has been diagnosed and his parents, and school, recognize his limitations and strengths. She does tend to baby him, but he stands a greater chance of success as an adult, because he has a good support system in place.
Looooong story short, I think babying an Aspie does them a huge disservice, but going undiagnosed has a more detrimental impact on their success at life.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aye, I think it's bad to over-shelter your kids on or off the spectrum. Protect, yes, that's your job as a parent. But don't protect them to the point you cripple them. Similar arguments with anti-bacterial hand soaps and petting dogs with surgical gloves on. If you're not exposed to enough germs, it actually weakens your immune system and you're more sickly than normal. My parents have helped me out a lot, but they've also shoved me out a good bit into stuff and would give me tips from time to time on how to handle it.