Spending has always been an issue for me, ever since I was a kid. Money would always burn a hole in my pocket. As soon as one thing was bought, I was planning what the next big purchase would be. I spent over a decade juggling debt, overdrafts, loans and paying off numerous items bought on credit.
The irony of all this former debt; is that my credit rating is excellent - because I've been living in the pocket of creditors for most of my adult life, and of course these companies would deem that behaviour as "excellent." As opposed to the reality that it's a self destructive addiction.
With sobriety and older age, I'm finding I've started to reel in my spending, although it has taken a hell of a long time. That "all or nothing" mindset is with me in almost every area of my life. Whilst I might be sober, it feels like there's numerous other areas where I need to adjust my behaviour and work out a balance.
I know it does me no good to look back on what could've been, had I been more sensible with my money. At least I can change the here and now and plan for my future. Besides my mortgage, the only money now owed is to my parents. In the past, whenever I repaid credit or a loan I would make large and regular overpayments. Often I would have an amount repaid in under half the time the original loan/credit term was. Being in debt makes me feel uncomfortable. Whilst years of reckless spending provided a cheap thrill, it was outweighed by the prolonged periods of unhappiness and regret.
I've never had a well paid job, so I have been trying to minimise my spending as much as possible. I make and remake numerous spreadsheets and lists regarding my finances. Truth be told, I've known every bill and amount owed like the back of my hand for years. I suppose the repetition of re-doing something I know has been another comforting routine. When I was a drunk/stoner, I still knew what I could and couldn't spend. However, when I was high or drunk, I ignored my memorised finances and continued to recklessly spend; rapidly taking my bank account into a negative balance every month.
Once my folks are repaid (December 2021), I will keep 47% of my pay after outgoings each month. My mortgage is the biggest debt I have - and my plan is to have my half paid off before I'm 40. We were sensible when we bought our house, and got something at the lower end of our budget - at only £110,000. Whilst repaying a large amount in a short space of time can be stressful, I always ensure I have spare money for myself, or any potential issues that may arise. Also - I look to the end goal, which is being able to work part time when I have no mortgage to pay off. More free time and less stress.
I suppose being bad with money for so long helped me come to terms with being broke. I was always paying off loans or financed items, so I was used to living off a minimal amount each month. Now that I have money and a clear head, I feel more comfortable organising and prioritising where money actually needs to be spent; as opposed to buying frivolous items that I deem necessary, but know full well are not.
One improvement I've seen in recent months is not spending money ridiculous amounts on food. Before this change I was spending £5-10 every weekday in the shop and often more on weekends. When I was drinking and smoking weed, this daily spend on food and drink was double the aforementioned amount.
Thanks to sobriety and finally exercising restraint; I've turned a +£400 a month food budget down to £125. Having more spare money is nice - but I'm still using a large chunk of this to repay my parents and save towards mortgage repayments.
I'll admit - there's an addictive quality to shopping, and I often find myself window shopping on various sites. Thankfully, I have the restraint these days to keep this window shopping limited, and I talk myself out of whatever justifications I attempt to conjure in my head for buying things I don't need. Can't seem to break that cycle though. I spend time every day on car websites, or PC component sites. These are the main areas for spending large amounts of money. I continue to fantasise about what could be, if I had the money.
When I'm being honest with myself - the happiest and most euphoric experience is knowing I have money. That would then trigger the fantasising about spending, and the plans to work out how I could best spend the money. Then, when it was all gone - the inevitable and subsequent depression and guilt would overwhelm me. Seems strange, that the money in my account provided such happiness and security and yet, I was so eager to replace those brief moments of positivity with months of guilt and financial worries.
Still - live and learn, there's always room for improvement. I suppose one good thing about the "all or nothing" mentality is that when I know something I do is broken and unbalanced - I realise I have to stop doing it entirely. You'd think not doing something would be simple, but it never feels that way to an addict. Then again - quitting an addiction is easier and more fruitful than pretending you can moderate one.
The most rewarding outcome from all of this has been ending each month recently with a positive account balance. It seems so simple; but having money in my bank account and not spending it has been a real achievement for me.
Ed
The irony of all this former debt; is that my credit rating is excellent - because I've been living in the pocket of creditors for most of my adult life, and of course these companies would deem that behaviour as "excellent." As opposed to the reality that it's a self destructive addiction.
With sobriety and older age, I'm finding I've started to reel in my spending, although it has taken a hell of a long time. That "all or nothing" mindset is with me in almost every area of my life. Whilst I might be sober, it feels like there's numerous other areas where I need to adjust my behaviour and work out a balance.
I know it does me no good to look back on what could've been, had I been more sensible with my money. At least I can change the here and now and plan for my future. Besides my mortgage, the only money now owed is to my parents. In the past, whenever I repaid credit or a loan I would make large and regular overpayments. Often I would have an amount repaid in under half the time the original loan/credit term was. Being in debt makes me feel uncomfortable. Whilst years of reckless spending provided a cheap thrill, it was outweighed by the prolonged periods of unhappiness and regret.
I've never had a well paid job, so I have been trying to minimise my spending as much as possible. I make and remake numerous spreadsheets and lists regarding my finances. Truth be told, I've known every bill and amount owed like the back of my hand for years. I suppose the repetition of re-doing something I know has been another comforting routine. When I was a drunk/stoner, I still knew what I could and couldn't spend. However, when I was high or drunk, I ignored my memorised finances and continued to recklessly spend; rapidly taking my bank account into a negative balance every month.
Once my folks are repaid (December 2021), I will keep 47% of my pay after outgoings each month. My mortgage is the biggest debt I have - and my plan is to have my half paid off before I'm 40. We were sensible when we bought our house, and got something at the lower end of our budget - at only £110,000. Whilst repaying a large amount in a short space of time can be stressful, I always ensure I have spare money for myself, or any potential issues that may arise. Also - I look to the end goal, which is being able to work part time when I have no mortgage to pay off. More free time and less stress.
I suppose being bad with money for so long helped me come to terms with being broke. I was always paying off loans or financed items, so I was used to living off a minimal amount each month. Now that I have money and a clear head, I feel more comfortable organising and prioritising where money actually needs to be spent; as opposed to buying frivolous items that I deem necessary, but know full well are not.
One improvement I've seen in recent months is not spending money ridiculous amounts on food. Before this change I was spending £5-10 every weekday in the shop and often more on weekends. When I was drinking and smoking weed, this daily spend on food and drink was double the aforementioned amount.
Thanks to sobriety and finally exercising restraint; I've turned a +£400 a month food budget down to £125. Having more spare money is nice - but I'm still using a large chunk of this to repay my parents and save towards mortgage repayments.
I'll admit - there's an addictive quality to shopping, and I often find myself window shopping on various sites. Thankfully, I have the restraint these days to keep this window shopping limited, and I talk myself out of whatever justifications I attempt to conjure in my head for buying things I don't need. Can't seem to break that cycle though. I spend time every day on car websites, or PC component sites. These are the main areas for spending large amounts of money. I continue to fantasise about what could be, if I had the money.
When I'm being honest with myself - the happiest and most euphoric experience is knowing I have money. That would then trigger the fantasising about spending, and the plans to work out how I could best spend the money. Then, when it was all gone - the inevitable and subsequent depression and guilt would overwhelm me. Seems strange, that the money in my account provided such happiness and security and yet, I was so eager to replace those brief moments of positivity with months of guilt and financial worries.
Still - live and learn, there's always room for improvement. I suppose one good thing about the "all or nothing" mentality is that when I know something I do is broken and unbalanced - I realise I have to stop doing it entirely. You'd think not doing something would be simple, but it never feels that way to an addict. Then again - quitting an addiction is easier and more fruitful than pretending you can moderate one.
The most rewarding outcome from all of this has been ending each month recently with a positive account balance. It seems so simple; but having money in my bank account and not spending it has been a real achievement for me.
Ed
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