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Overcoming a Lifetime of Compulsive Spending

Raggamuffin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Spending has always been an issue for me, ever since I was a kid. Money would always burn a hole in my pocket. As soon as one thing was bought, I was planning what the next big purchase would be. I spent over a decade juggling debt, overdrafts, loans and paying off numerous items bought on credit.

The irony of all this former debt; is that my credit rating is excellent - because I've been living in the pocket of creditors for most of my adult life, and of course these companies would deem that behaviour as "excellent." As opposed to the reality that it's a self destructive addiction.

With sobriety and older age, I'm finding I've started to reel in my spending, although it has taken a hell of a long time. That "all or nothing" mindset is with me in almost every area of my life. Whilst I might be sober, it feels like there's numerous other areas where I need to adjust my behaviour and work out a balance.

I know it does me no good to look back on what could've been, had I been more sensible with my money. At least I can change the here and now and plan for my future. Besides my mortgage, the only money now owed is to my parents. In the past, whenever I repaid credit or a loan I would make large and regular overpayments. Often I would have an amount repaid in under half the time the original loan/credit term was. Being in debt makes me feel uncomfortable. Whilst years of reckless spending provided a cheap thrill, it was outweighed by the prolonged periods of unhappiness and regret.

I've never had a well paid job, so I have been trying to minimise my spending as much as possible. I make and remake numerous spreadsheets and lists regarding my finances. Truth be told, I've known every bill and amount owed like the back of my hand for years. I suppose the repetition of re-doing something I know has been another comforting routine. When I was a drunk/stoner, I still knew what I could and couldn't spend. However, when I was high or drunk, I ignored my memorised finances and continued to recklessly spend; rapidly taking my bank account into a negative balance every month.

Once my folks are repaid (December 2021), I will keep 47% of my pay after outgoings each month. My mortgage is the biggest debt I have - and my plan is to have my half paid off before I'm 40. We were sensible when we bought our house, and got something at the lower end of our budget - at only £110,000. Whilst repaying a large amount in a short space of time can be stressful, I always ensure I have spare money for myself, or any potential issues that may arise. Also - I look to the end goal, which is being able to work part time when I have no mortgage to pay off. More free time and less stress.

I suppose being bad with money for so long helped me come to terms with being broke. I was always paying off loans or financed items, so I was used to living off a minimal amount each month. Now that I have money and a clear head, I feel more comfortable organising and prioritising where money actually needs to be spent; as opposed to buying frivolous items that I deem necessary, but know full well are not.

One improvement I've seen in recent months is not spending money ridiculous amounts on food. Before this change I was spending £5-10 every weekday in the shop and often more on weekends. When I was drinking and smoking weed, this daily spend on food and drink was double the aforementioned amount.

Thanks to sobriety and finally exercising restraint; I've turned a +£400 a month food budget down to £125. Having more spare money is nice - but I'm still using a large chunk of this to repay my parents and save towards mortgage repayments.

I'll admit - there's an addictive quality to shopping, and I often find myself window shopping on various sites. Thankfully, I have the restraint these days to keep this window shopping limited, and I talk myself out of whatever justifications I attempt to conjure in my head for buying things I don't need. Can't seem to break that cycle though. I spend time every day on car websites, or PC component sites. These are the main areas for spending large amounts of money. I continue to fantasise about what could be, if I had the money.

When I'm being honest with myself - the happiest and most euphoric experience is knowing I have money. That would then trigger the fantasising about spending, and the plans to work out how I could best spend the money. Then, when it was all gone - the inevitable and subsequent depression and guilt would overwhelm me. Seems strange, that the money in my account provided such happiness and security and yet, I was so eager to replace those brief moments of positivity with months of guilt and financial worries.

Still - live and learn, there's always room for improvement. I suppose one good thing about the "all or nothing" mentality is that when I know something I do is broken and unbalanced - I realise I have to stop doing it entirely. You'd think not doing something would be simple, but it never feels that way to an addict. Then again - quitting an addiction is easier and more fruitful than pretending you can moderate one.

The most rewarding outcome from all of this has been ending each month recently with a positive account balance. It seems so simple; but having money in my bank account and not spending it has been a real achievement for me.

Ed
 
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Aye, this is one of those things that's hard for alot of people to control, regardless of how much they do or do not have. May as well give some of my own thoughts on this.

I tend to think that having something that places a hard, impassible limit on monthly spending can be a good idea (with normal buying, not something like buying a house or car, that works differently, I'm sure). I'm godawful with money myself. I'm an impulsive buyer with zero patience... I dont wait. I decide on things immediately rather than sit and ponder it (once I make sure I understand what I'm buying, that is). Part of it is my living situation, part is just the way I am, but if I feel like buying something, there's no hesitation.

My father... who controls all the money stuff... knows full well that I'm like this, and knows I'm super spacey as well. Total airhead, that's me. So the solution is simple: I have a debit card (NOT a credit card, that's the key here) and a certain amount of money is allocated to it each month. I can buy whatever I want, but if it runs out for that month, that's it. I *can* ask for more, but only for things deemed actually important (such as a gas refill, for instance). I do not use cash for anything if it can be avoided. Just the card.

And you know what? I have no bloody clue what the max is. I rarely run into it. The knowledge that there IS a max that cannot really be crossed (because the card outright wont allow it!) keeps my impulses controlled at least somewhat. Not that it's perfect: I absolutely will do things like spend $60 on some game because I was bored for an hour. But only if I'm certain that I'm not at all near that max. I may not know just what the max is, but if I've already spent like $200 that month, I'll be less likelly to go and buy the $60 thing, because it might hit that point. Maxing out the card always feels like a failure on my part, so I try to avoid it. There are exceptions to all of this... for instance if I schedule a trip, that *will* break the limit... but that's handled very differently, and different rules apply. I always pick the cheapest rooms at hotels anyway, because it seems unnecessarily silly not to. Bloody stupid to pay an extra 60 per night just for a panoramic view of some stupid grass or something.

That's another aspect: I make absolutely certain that I not only get a good deal on whatever, but that the thing I'm getting is actually going to be properly worth the price. It's silly if I pay $150 for something that gets used like 2 times. With my board gaming hobby, that can happen, as they tend to be quite expensive. But I research the heck outta any that I"m interested in, to make SURE that it's something I'm going to not only like, but get alot of use out of. I may not be patient, but I can do research. And it's the same with other things. With food, I wont buy anything that seems like it has a bloody stupid price point. That box of crackers costs $1 more than I think it should? It'll bug the heck outta me if I buy it. And with video gaming, I dont buy from money-grubbing places like Gamestop anymore... I get my games on Itch and Steam, and $60 could get like 5 or 6 seperate games... it's not 60 for just one anymore. On top of that, if I've bought something and it's currently holding my attention very well, I'm likely to not buy anything else for awhile, because it's not even occurring to me to look at stores. I'm already busy stabbing cardboard pirates with dice or something, dont have mental space for shopping!


On a side note, I find the psychology behind this sort of thing interesting. It's a fact that we can get addicted to *anything*, after all. And some people get REALLY addicted. Like, buy something every day level of addicted. Or some might have the opposite issue... they have a very hard time making themselves spend ANYTHING for whatever reason, even if what they need to buy is very important.

In any case, if you've managed to get past your own problems related to this sort of thing... then congratulations, as it seems to be rare that someone manages that. I know I sure couldnt.

It might be interesting to hear what others' experiences are too, with this sort of thing.

There, I'm done rambling.
 
I must admit I'm not big on bargain hunting, except for games. Mainly because I'm so picky with games these days and have over 100 in my library that I barely even tried before letting it sit and collect dust. So I only tend to get a heavily discounted game, or one from a franchise I know I should enjoy.

Food I tend to have no issue with spending more than is necessary. Same goes for when I build PC's, or get a project car and spend obscene amounts on a car that will never recoup what I invest in it. Thankfully with regards to food, my partner is a bargain hunter and she helps stop me from spending silly amounts on unnecessary items. With cars, I'm trying to stick by my guns and keep my sensible, economical car.

Still, at this point it feels like a parent and child situation. I window shop, and see all these marvelous things I'd like to buy. A bit like a child in a shop pleading with their parents "can I have this?" and I have to keep shooting down my desire to buy nonsense - and be the sensible parent.

I got a cheque this week. When the money cleared that typical excitement hit me. But, instead of doing something silly, I spent a literal 0.44% of the total amount of the cheque on a treat for myself. I bought a new video game and used the rest to repay money owed to my folks.

Reminds me of drinking and smoking cravings - each time I don't give in, I get a little stronger and it feels a little easier to say no.

Ed
 
Wow, Ed. You've definitely learned from your life lessons which is admirable. Thanks for posting your experiences with money, debt and saving.

I thankfully came to similar realizations about debt and money and I've been fortunate enough to have self-awareness about my weaknesses I have about spending. My spending issues are actually related to my autism in a way because the weaknesses are tied to special interests. I've learned that I have to be VERY cautious and I have to show restraint when a new special interest takes hold since I have a tendency to want to pour 100% of my energy (and money) into that special interest. It can be like an addiction.

My tendency with special interests is to become obsessive about the interest; to be an expert's expert and then move on. That's a very bad pattern if said interests are costly.

I also fall into the trap of feeling like rather than start an interest (e.g. hobby of some kind) with limited tools or basic items and then work up from there, I instead desire to have a whole array of things and the best of them before feeling I'm equipped to really start and enjoy a special interest. Also a very bad pattern if said interests are costly.

I'm still learning, like you are. But it's a huge improvement for me having that awareness that I have potentially dangerous weaknesses in that area.
 
Paying off big stuff right now. l just have a simple self talk. You can't buy that, you are in debt. Not necessarily my fault, just the way it is. I do occasionally splurge on food because it is my sole enjoyment. l repair and fix all my other things.
 
Oh yeah, I'm the same with new interests. Lots of research and then I say to myself - sod buying the cheap stuff for newbies, let's buy the high end stuff with all the gizmos and gadgets (that I have no idea how to use) and then I either lose interest in said new hobby, or I'm overwhelmed with the amount of new things to learn or perfect etc. 'All the gear but no idea' springs to mind.

A good example was me recently starting to jog. Within 2 days I was looking up running shops to measure my gait, researching the best running shoes, clothing, equipment, even headphones best for sports. Thankfully I reeled in this impulsivity and bought nothing

I tend to stick to my known hobbies - cars and PC's. But I'm talking myself out of cars more and more. Because project cars are money pits, and fast cars tempt me into driving recklessly. Best to have a slow car that costs peanuts to run and won't drive me into an early grave.

As above, I keep reminding myself if I'm in debt, I ca t buy frivolous items. Strange thing is, whenever I got out of debt, I was immediately devising ways to plummet right back into debt.

Ed
 
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Ed - You're still young and have plenty to time to pay off the mortgage and save for the future. It is so important to save money for retirement, regardless whether you retire at age 45 or 70, at least in the US. It is nearly impossible for Americans to live on social security alone. It just isn't enough money to survive and have any quality of life unless you can grow your own food or do other things to reduce how much you need to spend every month.

I know exactly what you mean about that sense of security and satisfaction to have money in the bank. As Forrest Gump said - one less thing to worry about! :)
 
Retirement has been a financial focus topic too. Once the mortgage is out the way - that'll be my next primary focus. Even with all this planning and saving, there will be a small, but decent amount each month to enjoy as I see fit. As well as an amount each month that I save.

I have spreadsheets for a retirement budget as well. Of course, it's a rough draft and it's a conservative estimate of bills and outgoings and how much I need to save. I also have backup plans as well - so I've try to cater to every possible eventuality. All this planning might sound dull or like it's boxing me in. To be honest life feels a lot simpler and less stressful when I know where I'm going financially.

Thankfully this annual cheque I receive is from a gravel trust that continues to grow in value. It's what will help me pay my mortgage off early and save a large chunk towards retirement. Whilst it's morbid to think and expect it - I know my parents are well off too. Whilst circumstances are always open to change, I always plan for the worst case scenario - which tends to mean I have more money than planned. Even plans in place should I never receive an outside source of money from cheques or inheritance too. Covered all the possibilities.

Strange really - I can meticulously plan my finances down to the penny, and yet this side of me is at odds with an impulsive and reckless side that just wants to spend all the money on nonsense. Quite the internal struggle in my head most days. But again - it's the black or white, all or nothing mentality.

But this is why it feels so critical to reign in the spending now. The worst thing would be to receive a large sum of money and blow it all on idiotic things. I have to remind myself to think of these impulses to buy things is similar to cravings to drink or smoke - they're just as destructive to my wellbeing.

Ed
 
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Strange really - I can meticulously plan my finances down to the penny, and yet this side of me is at odds with an impulsive and reckless side that just wants to spend all the money on nonsense. Quite the internal struggle in my head most days. But again - it's the black or white, all or nothing mentality.
This sounds all too familiar - with me, it's music. I want to buy items for my music collection, or upgrade or add to my audio gear. I don't care about fancy food, clothes I rarely buy unless I really need them, I don't buy cosmetics, fashion items, jewelery and that kind of thing. The only thing I buy is music or audio gear. But to have top-end stuff can cost thousands, which I just don't have. So I have to make compromises, or perhaps find a deal on a second hand item in good condition. I might spend next to nothing in a month, spending a miniscule amount on food, only the bare essentials to live, and then blow 200 euros just on music.

I have a system that works for me and has keep me out of debt. I get paid by clients into PayPal. It accumulates there, and I then transfer a certain amount every month into my bank account. That amount is enough to cover living expenses, plus some more for tax bills and to tide me over the summer months when I don't have so much work. Then, with the amount I have left in the PayPal account, I can spend as I wish - except that I rarely use all of it up. I feel very guilty about spending money on myself, especially since my partner took out a loan for a joint business investment that needs to be paid off. I'm constantly conflicted - buy more music, or help pay off the loan.
 
I'm a big fan and collector of music too. I've priced up dream PC and Hi-Fi audio systems and the costs were shocking.

The other problem I think is, if it was something you spent a lot of money on - would it live up to your expectations?

Realistically you could spend £10,000 on your dream setup, but would it sound like you got your monies worth? I think if I didn't have that amount to easily spend on such an extravagance - there'd be a constant nagging sense in my head.

Buying music for me is all digital - so it tends to be cheaper. But I do see how collecting CD's and vinyls and limited editions would be appealing.

Ed
 
The other problem I think is, if it was something you spent a lot of money on - would it live up to your expectations?
If buying high-end stuff means paying a huge amount extra for a barely perceptable difference, then no. The trick is to find the sweet spot of good quality and good value for money, and there always is one, but it needs research. But the all-or-nothing mentality dictates that if you are going to have it, one should have the best possible quality no matter how much it costs, so it's basically a battle of logic over emotion.
Buying music for me is all digital - so it tends to be cheaper. But I do see how collecting CD's and vinyls and limited editions would be appealing.
I have digital too, the vast majority of my collection is digital but also collect CDs and vinyl records. Yes, limited editions are always very tempting.
 
Oh yeah, I'm the same with new interests. Lots of research and then I say to myself - sod buying the cheap stuff for newbies, let's buy the high end stuff with all the gizmos and gadgets (that I have no idea how to use) and then I either lose interest in said new hobby, or I'm overwhelmed with the amount of new things to learn or perfect etc. 'All the gear but no idea' springs to mind.

100% yes. ^ That's me to a "T". The awareness of that in me has been a tremendous benefit even though reigning in those desires isn't fun. I've also found that my pattern is to typically purchase things related to those interests at night. I find if I can refrain from making evening purchases and wait until the next day, I have more willpower during the day to decide against buying things that I really don't need.

My parents did me a favor when I was a kid. I don't recall the age, but I asked them something about their money or inheritance and they said something to the effect that they were going to give all of their money away to charity (and by doing so, there would be no inheritance). From that point on I made the assumption that I should not count on any inheritance.
 
If buying high-end stuff means paying a huge amount extra for a barely perceptable difference, then no.

Not to mention that if you are a renter, you're more likely to never get any real benefit of using a high-end audio system, unless you can afford being periodically evicted from your apartment. I've had some rather powerful audio systems for many years, but seldom use them. "All dressed up with nowhere to go".

And at lower levels of volume, yeah- you really aren't going to make the most out of any expensive or elaborate audio system. Where purchasing an expensive set of headphones might be a more prudent investment with a lesser audio system.

Though I have had a rather satisfying hobby of converting both vinyl record and cassette tapes to digital formats, and using my computer to edit and purify music that I've collected over the years. Nice to reduce or eliminate unwanted sound from any source with apps like Audacity. These days I'm more apt to play all my MP3 files in a rather nice 9-channel Bose audio system in my car. Where I can roll up the windows and crank up the sound in a way I cannot do at home. With my entire music collection on a single 16 gb flash drive. :cool:

Admittedly on occasion I will play a DVD movie in Dolby Digital multichannel sound, but so far it hasn't gotten me in trouble with the neighbors. - Yet. But then I temper the subwoofer by using Dynamic Range Compression through my receiver, which can attenuate those extremely low frequencies that can bother others. :oops:

And in this pandemic a lot more people are at home for much longer times. Making it even more precarious to use much of any audio systems.
 
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I have problem with compulsive buying as well. normally i buy expensive unnecessary things maybe 1 hour before i go to bed at like 2 in the morning. I have a seasonal job so i suffer during the slow times. I am trying to change that around by saving. i normally have no savings and i dont even like using credit cards because my spending is so terrible, so i have no credit. :VVVV how do people be adults
 
Though I have had a rather satisfying hobby of converting both vinyl record and cassette tapes to digital formats, and using my computer to edit and purify music that I've collected over the years. Nice to reduce or eliminate unwanted sound from any source with apps like Audacity. These days I'm more apt to play all my MP3 files in a rather nice 9-channel Bose audio system in my car. Where I can roll up the windows and crank up the sound in a way I cannot do at home. With my entire music collection on a single 16 gb flash drive.
That's just what I've spent the last couple of days doing. I use Audacity too, though I don't find it the easiest app to use. What method do you use to eliminate the unwanted sound? Audacity has click removal and noise reduction programs, but I'm reluctant to use them as they compromise the quality of the sound. So I've resorted to first getting the record as clean as possible, and then removing individual clicks manually. Which can take literally hours. I don't know how to do this effectively without compromising the audio.

As for the headphones, totally agree. Decent headphones are the best way to enjoy music. Another item on my list of things I want to upgrade but right now can't afford.
 
Hey Ed depends what you call 'older'! I didn't buy a house/ get a mortgage until I was 45. I was committment phobic. But also there was a sense of confusion about who I was, that now I can tie down to understanding that I have high autistic traits or Aspergers. I spent a LOT on therapy, for sure. But much of it was useful.

The good news is, I m now mortgage free. I downsized and paid off the final loan superfast too, as redundancy loomed, though in fact I got another good job in time.

No mortgage and a bit of pension plus savings allowed me to stop full time work last year, and now I'm able to enjoy my interests and projects. I am not materialistic and don't really want much, but I like to go on holidays within the UK, staying in chain hotels that are predictable and reasonably priced off season.
 
What method do you use to eliminate the unwanted sound? Audacity has click removal and noise reduction programs, but I'm reluctant to use them as they compromise the quality of the sound. So I've resorted to first getting the record as clean as possible, and then removing individual clicks manually.

I have to concur with your comment on the more mainstream effects designed to reduce or eliminate unwanted sounds with vinyl records. Such click removal filters tend to easily compromise the original music.

The one main effect I use in Audacity to successfully clean things up is the "repair" function. Where you must zoom in to the max as this feature won't work otherwise. And it's a tedious process depending on the number of audible glitches you hear and see on the waveform as you must "repair" them one at a time, carefully highlighting the area you want to subdue or eliminate.

Another thing I do is to keep every song with a two seconds of silence at the beginning, and fade out in one second at the end of a song. It's another way to mitigate any unwanted sounds at the very beginning, or towards the end of a song. On one soundtrack album I was able to fix the unwanted sounds I couldn't filter out, but simply fading in a few seconds later. Another thing on rare occasion I do, is to use the graphic equalizer function to selectively mute sounds I can't get rid of otherwise. But in all honesty it seems a real crapshoot more often than not.

As far as those really nasty pops and clicks go with severely scratched and worn vinyl records, I haven't found any other products or filters in Audacity that could really diminish or eliminate them. But then in my music collection I've only had a tiny number of sources that came from recordings of vinyl records to begin with. The vast majority of my digital music consists of high quality cassette recordings and CDs.

I still find it fascinating that the very compression process of the MP3 format seemed to help a great deal in deleting traditional tape hiss of all my cassette recordings. Though even they were previously recorded between 66 and 70db (Dolby B/C) noise reduction on high-quality tape decks.

Last year my brother sent me some of his most prized vinyl record soundtracks. However they were so old and scratched, I spent more than a week in a futile attempt to fix them all. I couldn't do anything with them. Cleaning/preening a record before playing it can help, unless of course you can visually identify scratches that are already there. Not much I've ever been able to do with those, short of literally editing them out and being able to effectively "splice sound" so such an edit isn't so obvious. (Something I had to do on the Door's song "The End".)
 

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