Outside the Herd

[Fade2black]

People just laugh at me and I get it, they suck, too. Their lives suck bad enough they want to pick on an autistic perso

Funny you mention this, because I feel the same. While my social life is non-existent, I really am ok with it. Your observation of those who pick on us, because they can, is something I don't get. It really bothered me when I was younger. But now when it happens, it puzzles me how shallow people are as adults to actually pick on another adult, especially when these people who pick on others usually have lives that are a complete mess and they couldn't balance a checkbook if they tried.

Overall, I'd say people are much more shallower and especially more fake in the sense that they are two faced in who they are vs who they want people to think they are. I think us Aspies are more acutely in tune with this phenomenon.

 

[Baeraad]

From you-all's experience, does anyone understand you?

I feel like some people do, or at least are willing to listen while I explain. But yeah, most people aren't willing to take the time. And yeah, that feels rough, and very lonely.

I wish I had access to this mythical place where women want to know what makes this aspie guy tick.

You mean like in the movies, where gorgeous women are invariably attracted to weird, idiosyncratic guys? Yeah, wouldn't it be nice if it actually worked like that?

Seriously, in my experience, there are a few women who are moved by the combination of vulnerability and an active mind that is fairly common in autistic people. But they're sort of few and far between, and most of them have boyfriends, because, as usual, All The Good Ones Are Taken.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

I admit, I tried running with the herd when I was younger. I scorned society for its vapidity, but I also spent more time than I care to think about feeling intensely alienated and lonely. I always felt this other-ness, this disconnect, that I could never rationally explain (I had no idea I was on the spectrum). This loneliness and pain, and pressure from others, sometimes made me wish I could be normal, and so I sometimes attempted normalcy. Suicidal ideation and sometimes attempts inevitably followed.

Now I'm older, and more competent, and have agency in my own life. I accept that I'm different. I've learned to fit in well enough to get what I want, and learned to form relationships that actually matter. Plenty of people think I'm weird (I am), or I'm on drugs (I'm not), or I'm crazy (I am), and that's fine. If they cause problems, I have enough agency and allies to work around it. If they get disrespectful, I've got a sharp tongue and a quick wit. If they get violent, I've got weapons and a foul temper. But it rarely comes to any of that. Adult life isn't high school, even if some people act like it.

Most people are the equivalent of NPCs in a video game--they sometimes serve valid functions but don't enrich your life. Be patient, be discerning, and the ones worth knowing will present themselves. Often, they won't be who you'd expect. This applies to dating, too. That mythical place you asked about? It's called Earth. Don't worry about finding some girl who wants to know what makes an Aspie guy tick. Worry about finding a girl who makes you happy, and who you can make happy. It's much easier said than done, but it's entirely doable.

 

[Fade2black]

Here in California, being a part of the herd means being part of the crowd where I stand out and I'm subject to judgment and scrutiny. Between 2003-2017 I lived mostly overseas where things were much different and more tolerable. At one point, I lived in Hanoi, Vietnam for seven years. This is one of the most densely populated cities in the world, with a population of about eight million people.

There were a few differences that made aspie life easier for me being part of 'that' herd. 1) There is a clear and present expectation that you 'are' different. 2) The language barrier requires additional effort to communicate and is less reliant on speech. 3) People take more time to understand you 4) With so many people, it's easy to get lost among the crowd. If I feel like talking, there was always someone friendly there to have a short conversation. If I didn't want to talk, there was never any judgment.

Now that I've been back to the US for a few years, I have the same problems that first led me overseas. I will return if I can because I felt better there.

 

[Devin S. Johnson]

Hey, @stewdog80,
The people I speak to tend to be quite kind and understanding towards me. One of my 10th grade teachers, a beautiful and brilliant blonde named Mrs. Dale, has an autistic savant as a father. She was forgiving towards me and always willing to point out positive similarities between us (she has an I.Q. around 130-150).

My honey bunny (translation: girlfriend) told me that she loved me for who I was and did not mind my autism, even telling me that "she loved nerds". Her friends also are forgiving towards my autism. She sees me autism as being similar to her depression.

Whenever I see NTs, I think of them as being like me, and I think of myself as being like them, which is why I dislike the labelling we use. It encourages differentiation between us and them, and like how you would not want to be called an "autistic", I do not believe many people would want to be called "neurotypicals". Describing them as being part of a "herd" really is making you part of a different herd yourself.

My advice is this: do not treat all people away from Asperger's as being the same. Bullies will always be in your life. Be friends with those that understand you, not everyone, and if you feel no one does get you, look further. Of course, swimming at the surface of the pond will not help you find any fish; you have to dig deeper. Be unique, but find unique people like yourself. Being special is not autism-exclusive.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

Are you very high functioning? I have always considered myself high functioning but(this is going to sound whiney) my gifts went to waste. Seems like unless you're high,high functioning you're pretty screwed.

Just curious. To you, what would it be to not go to waste? What is an example of what a person would be like if they weren't "screwed"?

 

[Wolfnox]

As a part of the rebel alliance. I agree independence is important.

 

[jeffry7]

Here in California, being a part of the herd means being part of the crowd where I stand out and I'm subject to judgment and scrutiny. Between 2003-2017 I lived mostly overseas where things were much different and more tolerable. At one point, I lived in Hanoi, Vietnam for seven years. This is one of the most densely populated cities in the world, with a population of about eight million people.

There were a few differences that made aspie life easier for me being part of 'that' herd. 1) There is a clear and present expectation that you 'are' different. 2) The language barrier requires additional effort to communicate and is less reliant on speech. 3) People take more time to understand you 4) With so many people, it's easy to get lost among the crowd. If I feel like talking, there was always someone friendly there to have a short conversation. If I didn't want to talk, there was never any judgment.

Now that I've been back to the US for a few years, I have the same problems that first led me overseas. I will return if I can because I felt better there.

I think I have had a similar experience. In my professional career I have worked in companies with a lot of immigrants to the USA. We are all weird. Many are weird because they live and work in a country they did not grow up in. So how can they tell I am a weird American? All Americans are weird to them.