Outside the Herd

[stewdog80]

Everyone I know has decided to run with the herd and I can't say I blame them. Of course, I wish they understood or even wanted to understand but of course they don't.

I have learned a lot from these experiences.

I run every day. I eat healthy. I try to remind people that I am still partially insane from pharmaceutical drugs and to please understand, that will change with time.

I feel like our society is being degraded. People are becoming more shallow. More herd-like and mindless.

Is anyone ever going to understand me?
I know some people do, but in real life will anyone understand or care to?
From you-all's experience, does anyone understand you?

I wish I had access to this mythical place where women want to know what makes this aspie guy tick. People just laugh at me and I get it, they suck, too. Their lives suck bad enough they want to pick on an autistic person.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think NTs are more like herd animals, they dont think outside the box like we do. Of course, many of us want to fit in, and need to for various reasons, so we mask and pretend.
Being unique isnt appreciated!
No one has ever understood me, even though I'm an open book and over share too often.
When I found this forum I felt understood for the first time.

 

[clg114]

This is a good example why I do not tell anyone that I am on the spectrum unless there is a very good reason for them to know. Most people can not or will not understand. They are much more concerned with their standing in society or keeping up with the latest trends.

 

[stewdog80]

This is a good example why I do not tell anyone that I am on the spectrum unless there is a very good reason for them to know. Most people can not or will not understand. They are much more concerned with their standing in society or keeping up with the latest trends.

Are you very high functioning? I have always considered myself high functioning but(this is going to sound whiney) my gifts went to waste. Seems like unless you're high,high functioning you're pretty screwed.

 

[Running Girl]

I felt misunderstood throughout my life, though some places and people got pieces of me. For example, I have addiction, so in Narcotics Anonymous they understand me when i talk about addiction. Outside of the mtgs, people dont really understand that aspect of me, so they judge a lot. People who have mental illness will understand other people who have mental illness, especially if my type (depression) is the same as theirs. The rest if the world is likely to judge. Its really difficult to understand something that you dont experience yourself. Much easier to judge. To think, "I don't know why you struggle so much with that? Its no big deal for me." So i have fragmented myself by symptoms, deficits, diseases- and sometimes by interests and talents, too, just trying to find people who understand , and people i understand.

 

[SusanLR]

I can carry myself like a normal person but I'm just a parrot, spouting garbage with perfect diction and poise.

Very well said.
I've lived a life of acting and masking.
My parents were the only people who cared no matter what they saw out of me.
I was free to be me and not have to constantly think what to do or how to act just to be around
people.
I never felt life is something worth living.
But, I'm here, so I try to think of it as an experience, mostly bad.
And I'm afraid of dying, so I'll try to put that off as long as possible, (probably.)

 

[Progster]

I've always been a person who wants to 'do their own thing'. I find that people are a lot more concerned about their public image and keeping up appearances than I am. Many people are worried about being judged and are afraid to express themselves, afraid of standing out in a crowd and drawing attention to themselves and expressing their true personality. Belonging to a peer group is very important to them, being different means being rejected and loneliness. Social success is paramount. People on the spectrum tend to be less concerned with fitting in and public image or social success, but we have to survive and get along in the world just the same as everyone else does, which means masking, trying to be something that we are not, which takes its toll in terms of anxiety and other mental health issues.

 

[Fino]

I feel like my friends understand me! They're amazing!

 

[Rectify]

This is a rather down vibe thread (which is totally okay) but I get what many of you are saying. I do. Some of what you wrote I've experienced or felt. It's hard and I have felt really dragged down by stuff before but I guess I'm doing better at the moment on not ruminating on the negative stuff (touch wood). So yay for me right now but also...I get you. And I'm sending kind thoughts (whatever that's worth!).

@Running Girl I also feel that about the different niche groups getting certain parts of you.

 

[Autistamatic]

Small towns where everybody knows each other, families don't move and people do jobs for life are hostile environments for enquiring or independent minds. The ONLY solution is to move somewhere more cosmopolitan. I did that as a young man and it was the making of me.

In a city with a thriving academic and arts scene you'll meet far more people who appreciate your differences and will be able to hold a decent conversation about substantial subjects.

Failing that, try engaging with like minded people online. There are countless communities like this one and on social media where like minded people congregate and share ideas. Don't forget you can choose who you interact with online

Rarely do we ever find people who share all our interests as @Running Girl pointed out, so find groups that fulfill your different needs and you'll find some of the people you'll have more in common with than others.

 

[All-Rounder]

Everyone I know has decided to run with the herd and I can't say I blame them. Of course, I wish they understood or even wanted to understand but of course they don't.

I have learned a lot from these experiences.

I run every day. I eat healthy. I try to remind people that I am still partially insane from pharmaceutical drugs and to please understand, that will change with time.

I feel like our society is being degraded. People are becoming more shallow. More herd-like and mindless.

Is anyone ever going to understand me?

I know some people do, but in real life will anyone understand or care to?

From you-all's experience, does anyone understand you?

I wish I had access to this mythical place where women want to know what makes this aspie guy tick. People just laugh at me and I get it, they suck, too. Their lives suck bad enough they want to pick on an autistic person.

You seem to be living in a hateful area, people aren't tolerable or nice, even violent.

I believe this is the mythical place where women would like to know what makes an autie tick. They come here to know sometimes. I am interested in autie guys and sometimes girls to the point of obsession for 2 years+ now and I still have curiosities and things I learn. I'm dating an autie and I might be one myself.

There's much ignorance going on outside autism dedicated places and in general people treat each other ignorantly, regardless of their diversity.

 

[clg114]

Are you very high functioning? I have always considered myself high functioning but(this is going to sound whiney) my gifts went to waste. Seems like unless you're high,high functioning you're pretty screwed.

Am I high functioning? I don't know, it is more like I am really lucky. I am lucky enough to have been married most of my adult life to a NT lady who understands me and puts up with my weirdness. I am lucky enough to have a very large and wonderful family. I am lucky enough to spent my entire working career, working with my special interest and working alone. I have had so much fun working that I am still doing it at 73. I think that is pretty lucky.

 

[Tom]

You are correct about some people looking for someone to pick on. But certainly far from all. There's good people NT and ASD wherever you are or go. But do keep up the running because the Lions take the hindmost.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I've also never related to desperate conformists. They each: have 1000 fake friends, and want praise for wearing their masks. They'd prefer cohesiveness, groupthink, and the prerogative of wielding psychological warfare (against the outcasts), over true, intimate, authentic friendship.

For years, now, and henceforth, my procedure is:
1) Introspect
2) Be authentic
3) Find people compatible with my anima (not my persona)

That way, I make 5 true friends, rather than 1000 fake ones that I know poorly and am only "liked," until I cease roleplaying.

I never understood the appeal of being a chronic liar. There's too much evidence to hide.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Wanting to belong and not following the cultural code means that you do not belong. I like independent minds much more than those who only know what others have told them. I have always hated being friends with people who are part of a clique. I find them to be nothing more than a self-congratulating elitist group who compares themselves to others, and they are quick to point out what is wrong with everyone else.

I believe that independence is a strength, whether chosen or imposed by a neurological condition. We complain about not fitting in, but that is the price you pay for keeping your own dignity and freedom of thought. You can't have it both ways. Too many people who are concerned with fitting in are obsessed with protecting an image that goes along with being with the right crowd. The truth behind fitting in is much more sinister than most people ever see or admit. It is for this reason alone that I don't care to be part of the in-crowd.

What I like most about this forum is that I see expressions of perspective that come from real struggles and creative fixes. People on the spectrum might have more extremes in spectrum diversity, but with that come the special, unique qualities that the more bland, mainstream world rarely produces. We are no different from other humans as our needs and well-being are universal. How we build it, experience it, and maintain it is a series of hurdles and obstacles that must be explored before we can say we know ourselves. This may be forced on us, but it's a lesson that has residual value. We are forced to find our diamond in the rough. For this, I am grateful.

 

[SeanDIdgeridoo1996]

No one understands me at all, even the psychologists with all their allusions to being able to get me dont go any deeper than putting me on medication rather than trying to do something more substantial. I'm glad I'm not part of the herd, because I feel like being part of that hive mind where no one can look up from their phones for more than two seconds to actually SEE the world would suck the humanity out of me. I'd love to be understood and for autism to be more accepted but in a society this painfully insular I don't see it happening anytime soon. Seems like people are more concerned about adhering to society's ludicrous standards of beauty than anything else.

 

[Fino]

In a city with a thriving academic and arts scene you'll meet far more people who appreciate your differences and will be able to hold a decent conversation about substantial subjects.

I guess this explains my difference in experiences then, living in LA and all.

 

[stewdog80]

I just realized what she was saying about the narcotics anonymous thing. That's hilarious. Bravo. Rectify, no you don't understand how I feel but thank you! I've found cities to be stifling to independent people.

 

[Autistamatic]

I've found cities to be stifling to independent people.

Undoubtedly some can be. The city I grew up in was certainly stifling, but then I moved to one with, as I said earlier, a thriving academic and arts scene and suddenly met many more people I could relate to. I met artists, musicians, writers and sculptors along with physicists, sociologists, zoologists and philosophers - people who I could relate to who could talk about more than just the weather and the divorced woman who lived down the road. People with PASSIONS. Some of them were also on the spectrum, but most were far more engaging, and interested in my take on things, than the people I left behind. My wife had the same experience when she moved to London at about the same age (long before we met).

I now live in the equivalent of a "hick town" where people have jobs for life and never move away (work brought me here) but I don't care anymore. I've got over the stumbling blocks, discovered I'm not alone in my differences and found a life partner. If I hadn't made the move back in my twenties though, I'd likely still be feeling alone and isolated.

The herd is overrated. There's no satisfaction in running with them if you don't relate to them. You can either be happy in being different and eschew the need for their approval, or you can strike out and find a herd of your own that does understand you. Doing nothing keeps you in the same frame of mind and seeking the same fleeting solutions. Your future is in your hands.

 

[stewdog80]

Just to clarify: I understood everything you guys said. Thank you, all.